My Intentions

Robot Brain

When did this start? I have been the one pushing for a therapist, before the stress of summer’s life change. I finally get one, she seems great. She says she wants me to set some “goals.” I said, okay, what about calling them priorities? but thought about it, same word, right?

That week, I realized, I felt something was wrong with me, I have lived in this town for eight years; I do not have one friend. I do, just not from this town. I’m out and about? Right. Then a couple friends from out of town tell me, yes, your town is f’ed up!

I found other places in better towns online I am approved for but I know I cannot call the owners with my motor mouth and deranged thinking. I waited to tell my therapist; I said, yes, “goals” is the correct word. My goal is not one week, it is one year or two years, I need to get out of this town! That is a great idea! She responded. The next week, I said the same to my case manager, it was the three day holiday week; understandably she put me off but I agreed, I only wanted to mention it to her. That is her job to help me with these things. Tells me she can start making calls.

Tuesday, my therapist pretended she forgot all about it. Strangely because her big idea was setting goals and Wednesday, my case manager, AGAIN???? Now I am back to a year ago where I am getting humored on what I would like to do, I imagine until they think I forgot all about it.

Fuck this shit! Either one of them asks me a question. I am answering with a question of my own! I’m going to repeat myself until they get sick of fucking avoiding the question. I used to be lackadaisical and let them defer by saying, I don’t know, I have not spoken to (the other person) This ends now, or I end it.

I know what you may be thinking; I am still drunk or drinking whatever. My big plans for tonight; just got paid; I went to Panera, they don’t serve alcohol. That was my payday celebration. Coffee and flatbread pizza, but most of all, people watching.

I was texting my mom. She is laughing, there are only 6 people in there but I tell her I stay a long time and people come and go. Right now there is a highly inappropriate public display of affection in front of me and to my left is an old married couple sharing an ice tea and ignoring each other staring into their phones. I gotta go home, I’ve been here for two hours.

On the way home I said, Actually Panera is quite enjoyable, This is the highlight of my week! Do you really think I wanted to drink 4,000 beers in two days?

Then I complained about almost getting run over by three trump truckers (Seabrook Mother Truckers) and she stopped talking to me…. I stopped at the General Store and bought an extra large coffee.

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