Ten Spot for Your Thoughts?

Big Linda was a barfly. She was a fixture at the end of the bar in The Bowery. She collected a commission for every drink some drunk dude bought her thinking he was going to take her home. As far as I know, Linda may have died a virgin but I do know one thing for sure. She never paid for one drink in her life. I’m sure you can guess where she got the name “Big Linda.” Every time we saw her we would shout, “Hey Linda, get your fucking elbows off the bar!” and she would tell us to get bent and we would laugh our asses off. Those weren’t her elbows, they were her huge fucking tits! I would guess that’s how the commissions added up. What do you want? I was 6 and my cousin was 9.

Linda is one reason I have never bought a drink for a woman at a bar unless I was already friends with her. Not because she might be collecting commissions but I have heard this same refrain a thousand times, “Asshole thinks I gotta fuck him cause he spent five bucks on a drink!”

My cousin and I were precocious and Linda was in on this con. The Bowery was on Salisbury Beach and it was a little kid’s wet dream. Amusement park rides, carnival games and arcades lined with pinball machines on one side and Skee-ball on other. When we ran out of quarters for pinball we would go into the bar and start whining to Linda. “Mom! Mom! We want to go home!” She would answer, “Okay kids, right after I finish this drink.. “, “But that’s what you said an hour ago!”, “Okay, mama’s gotta get up early for work tomorrow, go wait in the car and I’ll be right out after this drink.”, “But I gotta peeeee!”

Right around that time, whichever dumb ass sitting there thinking he was gonna get Linda drunk enough to fuck him would start to worry and come up with the brilliant idea to offer us a couple bucks to go play pinball. There’s the payoff!

Are you fucking kidding me? Two little kids up after their bedtime in a town designed to be their play land begging to go home? Right!

One night we accidentally made the big score. We went back to the till too soon and the same guy was still sitting there. He was wise to us but he didn’t let on. He pulled a tenner out of his fat wallet and started teasing us. “Which one of you is the oldest?” Obviously my cousin, he’s a foot taller than me, “I am.”, “I know you kids. If I give this ten to you, you won’t split it with your brother.”, “Yes I will!”, “No, no, no, I don’t trust you, tell you what, ” He tore the ten dollar bill down the middle and handed half to each of us, “There, now you both got five bucks.” He laughed and turned back to looking down Linda’s shirt.

Ten dollars! That’s two slices of pizza, WITH extra cheese, two Cokes, a ride on the SkyDiver AND pinball for the rest of the night! We went running out of the bar straight down to Christy’s!

I wasn’t going to write this story until I figured out where the fuck we found Scotch tape at midnight on Salisbury Beach? We had a problem. We had ten bucks but it was torn in half and nobody believed it was real. We couldn’t buy anything! I still can’t figure it out but we found it and taped that bill together and had a blast!

One thought on “Ten Spot for Your Thoughts?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s