Papillon

Robot Brain

“All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
You don’t like my point of view and I’m insane
It’s not sane
It’s not sane”

“No Rain” Blind Melon

We’ve all heard the song. Happy, right? Everyone loves the video with the little girl dancing around in the rain in a bumblebee suit. Lyrics are pretty ersatz, right? Would you like to die of “Unnatural Causes”? Click on the link and listen to this version. Blind Melon: No Rain Ripped Away Version Half tempo and probably not what the record company wanted to hear. It’s his voice. This is the pain I want to hold on to.

That is where I really lost my shit and fucked up texting my daughter for five days, thinking it was only five minutes. It was my fault. I listen to my playlist on shuffle. But I was in a mood and “My Wave” by Soundgarden popped up. I remembered I would always play that first on the jukebox a hundred years ago because it was my favorite. I thought it would be a good idea to listen to the whole album. Good idea, right?

I texted people who know and said, “Listening to SuperUnknown and crying. (Before I started drinking) Thinking everyone is surprised he killed himself… His whole career is one long suicide letter. I was googling lyrics and accidentally saw he killed himself at 52… I’m 52! I wasn’t suicidal but with all the crazy coincidences this year… Am I suicidal?

I already knew about the Chris Cornell, Chester Bennington connection. One of them killed himself and the other suicided on the other’s birthday. That’s all I know. I don’t research it. I don’t want to know more. But, bright idea number two. I think I’ll listen to all the Linkin Park albums. I just googled to make sure I spelled his name correctly. Rolling Stone article says, “People were ‘shocked!'” Shocked?

What I was really trying to avoid was Blind Melon. The two hit songs are my favorite and I have them on my playlist. (It takes a lot to get on my playlist) But why did I never look into more of their music? I do it with other bands. Of course I know why, I remember the day I asked my daughter if she had any songs she wishes she had written and she told me “Galaxie” From the album Soup. Right? She told me she likes the album because the first time she heard the album she cried so much she had to leave school and went home and listened to it all day. Short version, of course I went home and listened to it all night and cried. (no booze) She told me she was glad it made me cry. Long version, I wrote about it here, Nov. 2nd: Letters to the Future.

Since then she got me to download three of his albums and I know why I never looked into him before. I rarely add full albums to my playlist and I don’t get into music just because she likes it. For years she was into 21 Pilots, saw them live 3 times, the whole thing… I have one song, “Heavy Dirty Soul” That is what it takes to make it onto my playlist.

This isn’t new, I’ve been struck by the fact that her favorite music is my favorite music. No big deal, right? That’s the thing, kids are into the 90’s. But it is very specific and she didn’t get it from me. She didn’t know my favorites. Of course they were popular but lots of bands were popular. She hates Pearl Jam, so do I. But fucking Chris Cornell.? Some of this shit is very specific. Too much. She likes other bands I don’t bother listening.

I couldn’t handle her playlist and I switched to mine (another great idea) we like all the same music and all these people killed themselves. That is when I started texting her song lyrics. Luckily I didn’t say anything about suicide. I remember last month telling her I understood these songs when I was young but they hit a lot different now.

I think I was trying to protect her from life. I don’t ever want her to feel the way I do. But she is a kid she doesn’t know what these lyrics mean. I mean she does but she hasn’t lived them yet.

I slammed on the brakes but it takes a long time to stop when you are traveling at the speed of light. I was still doing crazy shit and if you read me you know I write some pretty crazy shit.

Everyone was pissed at me. I am pissed at me! What am I doing? I never made her cry before.

It took me too long to apologize but I was trying to think of a way to do it without using I’m crazy and drunk as an excuse. But WTF? I already scared her. I can’t tell her I was hallucinating her voice like we were having a conversation even though she wasn’t texting back? Tell her I have a song lyric for every thought? Song lyrics are my thoughts? That I wrote the songs she is listening to? I have to lie down and breathe for 12 hours a day so I don’t do stupid shit like that?

Nobody was talking to me anyway. I finally “talked” with her mom. I can’t tell her everything either. Same thing, I can’t make any excuses. She knows but, you know? I told her part of the problem is I haven’t seen anyone since thanksgiving. I can’t hear anyone’s voice or see their face. I have no idea what words on a screen mean.

I told her what I wanted to say and I wanted to tell my daughter I feel horrible but I don’t want to tell her because it’s not about how I feel. I don’t want her to feel responsible for me. She told me to just say I feel horrible but I”m still not sure if I should have.

I apologized but I still don’t know because I can’t see her.

I realize that is not when I lost my shit. I was going to write a post using my thanksgiving weekend post as a way to prove I was doing fine. Crazy is as Crazy Does. Really? The 5 days I spent with my mom and only slept 2 hours? That will show them! I hadn’t slept since thanksgiving. Except for the two times I got drunk. I know I may seem drunk all the time but I can’t drink all the time and it takes like 500 beers to put me to sleep.

I wanted to write about the fucked up shit that keeps happening but it keeps happening. The day I wrote that poem I decided to change the music I listen to and made a new playlist but while I was typing I had on a Best of 2020 EDM remix and Linkin Park remix came on? This sucks

I can’t even type fast enough. The fucking numbers. They don’t mean anything but why do they keep popping up? I’m not looking for them. But someone randomly liking the post about the day she told me about “Galaxie”? That’s why I know the date I wrote it.

Another random like on the thanksgiving post I don’t remember writing even though the only drug I had that week was caffeine? I don’t drink with my mom. I never have. Even when she was drinking.

It happens once in a while but not often and those two posts?

I don’t even want to start sounding crazy about sitting back for a second looking at my monitor and it’s 33 degrees and 3 emails? What’s with the fucking threes? There are plenty of numbers on the screen but I don’t care what the temperature is. I want to stop and go watch tv but I’m afraid to do anything. 11:11 am? Should I just go lie in bed and put a blanket over my head?

I could go on forever [Poem: Subhuman Race] This is on of my “Letters to the Future” Poems.

5 thoughts on “Papillon

  1. I often have to remind myself that artists in general are usually mentally ill but that’s why they’re so good. They draw from the depths of their tormented souls to give us their music and poetry and art. It’s also why we relate. Sometimes too much.

    Then I look and you have 311 followers. Oy and vey.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, I’m trying not to look for that lol. I’m really not. I was typing about 3’s, maybe I should just watch tv. glanced at the clock to see how long til football. 1111. Of course. I’m going to write a book here in the comments. *smile* Thank you

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I used to wake up at 4:42am all the time. Then I started to notice I’d check the clock in the afternoon and it would be 4:42. This went on for months, driving me bonkers wondering wth. Then I met my future husband and guess what kind of car he was driving lol? Ah, life. It’s SO WEIRD.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Wow! Same with the 3’s and the 1’s. This is messed up. I fell asleep for about an hour while listening to a meditation on my tablet. woke up wondering why I heard music. I went to the living room and my original iPod in it’s docking station was playing. That’s the music I want to stop listening to. The device is from 2005. It has no wifi! I imagine I could have gotten up walked in, turned it on, went back to bed without remembering. But my tablet was right there next to my head. It has all the same music. If I really needed to listen all I had to do was roll over and tap twice. No numbers anywhere. I just went back to check. Meditation was still on the screen. It had finished playing. I don’t think I am going to write about this. All I’ve had today was coffee and my prescribed meds and food.

        Like

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