“Comin’ at ya like a stiff blow, fuckin’ up ya program
Ain’t takin’ shit from you, him, or no man
Mastermind, maniac, and a menace
Ohhh, how they wanna pass a sentence”
“Hand on the Pump (Muggs’ Blunted Mix)” Cypress Hill
People tell me to just be myself but then when I act like myself they pass some serious judgement. Once I got clean cut and started looking “normal” people started calling me sir and shit. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still me. I didn’t change the way I acted; of course I have changed over the years. People who like me tell me it’s because I’m authentic, open, honest and “down to earth.” (Whatever that means) The phrase has fallen out of fashion but I used to get it all the time. “Down to earth?” I’m out of my fucking mind.
I think the times I don’t act like myself is when I have a fear of being judged. Then I will usually just clam up. I read that is common among addicts. I think there is truth there. I’m not sure if it’s a new thing but I started laughing about hearing people say and seeing this on social media a lot; “I don’t give a FUCK what anyone thinks about me!” Uhh.. Yes you do. Why else are you going around yelling, telling people what to think about you, unprompted? I give a fuck what people think about me.
I also joke about if someone says, “I’m not judgmental.” It’s probably going to drop hard and heavy, soon. I will throw some judgements around like a motherfucker. Kind of like I’ll judge you before you can judge me kinda thing. But I am really good at catching myself. It’s like an old habit. I judge people for not living up to the high standards I set for myself. I don’t even come close to living up the the standards I set for myself! Who the fuck am I to judge? Okay, now I remember where I’m going with this.
After I messed up with my daughter I thought, Jesus. H. I gotta stop! During and after Thanksgiving I stopped doing all the things I had been doing to maintain. I stopped meditating so I stopped sleeping, stopped keeping a regular schedule, stopped eating, stopped, you get the idea. Then my mental health team did something fucked up to piss me off. I would like to blame everything on them but I can’t. I think I did a pretty good job not making any excuses and accepting culpability when I apologized to everyone. I’m writing it here but there is no excuse.
I remember raging at my therapist one day and I spent six hours one night writing this long ass email. Yeah, that helped. Luckily I caught myself but it was too late. I wasn’t angry at my daughter, I was writing some crazy shit. But I was scared about the suicide connection but I was an idiot, she just likes good music.
I thought why the fuck am letting them get me all pissed off about shit that has nothing to do with anything? I just scared my daughter and made her cry and I still want to yell at these people? Chill the fuck out! But I remember a couple nights making myself lie down, telling myself to sleep, fucking breathe and sleep. Five minutes and I would jump out of bed, “Fuck this shit! I wanna be pissed!”
I wrote that poem, I had a lot of shit going on. I can’t remember, I think I gotta change the way I’m thinking. I gotta stop listening to this music, I don’t need it anymore, I don’t need to relive this shit. But this is my life… I gotta give up my life? I have to do something. I was about to off myself. [Poem: Release Me]
It was Tuesday night and I had been in bed for four days breathing and finally slept Monday, which was good because I had another therapy session Wednesday. I wrote my therapist a one line email, “Next time we talk could you please remind me the plan was to focus on my daughter.” I still wanted to yell and scream and blame them for me scaring my daughter. I sat down and wrote a script (outline) and made some food.
Something happened. My mania went away. I thought, OMG, it’s over. I read what I had written on the page and thought if I start with this I am going to snowball and end up in the hospital. Talking about suicidal and fuck no! Flipped the page and toned it down. Still too much. What am I doing? I just wanna prove I’m right and yell and sound crazy? She will be writing down notes, delusional, paranoid, persecution complex. Found a blank piece of paper and wrote, “Only talk about my daughter.” (and stick to why I asked for a therapist. Nobody died but I am grieving, I feel like I am losing my family again.)
After that I had the strangest night. I just thought I don’t want to start talking about all the coincidences. It’s 11:33. I mean right now as I’m typing. I’m telling you, I’m not looking at the clock every 30 seconds. Thursday, I woke up feeling like I slept forever and thought watch, it’s only midnight. I pushed the button on my phone. 1:11. Saturday, I was worried N==== was still mad at me, she hadn’t texted back for hours. Finally I open my phone, 2:22, of course. I wasn’t worried about that, I almost typed the first letter and N===’s message popped up. “I just woke up” We had a really good talk. None of these numbers mean anything, so what’s up? I’m just going to stop. Sunday, I tried to prove I’m just looking for these numbers. I’m like, see, there’s a 5, see, another 5, big fucking deal, everywhere you look there are numbers! See? Another fucking 5. I’m not even going to prove to you how bat shit crazy I am by telling you who texted at 5:55.
Not even trying to talk about that. I was up all night. Wondering if I just woke up from a nightmare. I was “normal”. I kept walking from room to room to see if I was in the same world. Like The Twilight Zone shit. A lot more coincidences but no numbers and very personal and I’m not typing it because I don’t want anyone messing with me. The mania came back and I didn’t sleep. But since then yes.
I stuck to the script and once I got going talking about my daughter it was easy. I did the same thing with my case manager Friday.
At some point before all this I had rewritten my priorities list, my daughter, her family, my family, what I have to do to take care of myself and added work on acceptance, forgiving myself, forgiving others, let go of pain, judgment. I remembered someone had told me about the Insight Timer meditation app. It’s really good and it’s free unless you subscribe to a course but I read it is difficult to unsubscribe. But there is no reason. It has 150,000 meditations. You can narrow it down by keywords or phrases, male or female voice, music or no music. Highest rated, most popular, most recent, etc…
It turns out all the fucking topics I chose came under acceptance. I chose the parameters obviously but I got very lucky with the first one. It was about acceptance in general but holy shit! I knew what she was doing but…. She talks to you, calms you down, tells you to stare at something directly in front of you and blink every time she says a number counting down from ten. I got to four and couldn’t open my eyes. An hour later I felt like 300 pounds of very relaxed lead. I forgot, the breathing. 10,000 meditations I’ve done tell you different ways to breathe. Now on this app they all specifically tell you to breathe the way I’ve been practicing all year since I found what worked. I’ve only listened to about 10 but I guess I am lucky.
I did a let go of pain one and I don’t know… It fucking sucked! It hurt. I could feel it in my abdomen and I was fighting it. I didn’t want to let it go. There was no breathing… It was crying, crying, crying and fuck you, fuck you, fuck you…. and I don’t know… I can’t do that one again.
I did a couple forgive myself but you know, I couldn’t grasp it. Like fuck everyone, do whatever I want as long as I forgive myself it’s fine? It was Friday, Saturday and Sunday, I got really depressed. No. I can’t forgive myself, I don’t want to forgive myself, I don’t want my daughter to forgive me. I don’t deserve it.
Last night I found a good one. He talks about exchanging the word forgiveness with acceptance and acceptance doesn’t mean you condemn or condone something and It doesn’t give you a free pass to do whatever you want. Accepting others was easy, I was already figuring that out. I had just lost focus because I was thriving on anger the past couple weeks. I remember reading the last few months post and when I went from happy manic to angry manic and I want to explain it here but I don’t because I want to let it go. That’s why I did that with my therapist and my case manager. Use my therapist as basics and I don’t understand about my case manager, I’ve known her 10 years but it’s not going to help trying to figure it out and she helps me the most of the people I see. I already figured this out last year about my brother. He hasn’t been home thinking about me. I’m just pissing myself off all the time trying to change something in the past by thinking it through over and over.
The forgiving myself was hard to grasp but I liked the not letting myself off the hook part. All week I was trying to combine the freaking psycho, psycho therapy I listened to a few months ago. The talking to myself like Gollum and be my own best friend. It ended. I liked it. I felt like I should listen to it every day but still, you know?
I slept so good. I woke up and thought, yes, this is how I felt before. I want to feel like this every day.
I was going back and forth all morning. I wanted to apologize to my daughter every day but is it too much, too little??? Fucking texting. I did one last week, it was good but I still didn’t know. I came up with a good one. Nothing about how bad I feel. I don’t want to guilt her or make her feel bad for how I feel or responsible for my feelings. I think it was good for her. I think it was good.
Of course some random asshole liked a post from last summer where I wrote about walking down the street telling myself, fuck these people living rent free in my head, focus on the people who matter and that is when I started to feel good last summer.