Snap! Back to Reality

Robot Brain

Sunday I stopped denying the depression was/had already settling in. There was no more denying. Christmas day I was ready to off myself. Strangely, the denial that day was I would not allow myself to believe my daughter had forgiven me. I didn’t want her to, I don’t want to forgive myself.

I wouldn’t believe it. Friday she invited me to Christmas dinner the next day. It was true, but her mom must still be pissed at me, right? She said it was her mom’s idea. I still wouldn’t let myself believe it. (We usually don’t do Holidays together, but that was my idea) Saturday the roads were a sheet of ice and snow was coming later, I told my daughter I didn’t want anybody driving, she said, I can pick you up. I said wait until her mom wakes up. I guess I could have had a great Christmas but I put myself in exile. (I did have a great Christmas Monday, casual hangout, laughing, That is what we usually do)

Sunday. Sunday, I’ve been looking at my priority list I had rewritten on paper. I first wrote it in June and rewrote a few weeks ago but that time I made it more specific and similar to a flow chart. I added gratitude list to the top. It’s not a new thing but it wasn’t on the list since June. I also added all the issues I have to work on and realized they all fell under the umbrella of Acceptance [Audiobook: Unconditional Self Acceptance, Cheri Huber. 5 stars]. I don’t know what people think I have been doing but all of those were the first things I put on my gratitude list months ago.

Sunday still. I thought, umm… It’s the 21st century, who the hell writes shit down on paper and why am I still doing it? All of the papers get pushed aside or buried under new papers. I’m looking at a 2 inch high stack of scribbles that has already accumulated since I cleared my desk last summer!

I wonder what that app on my tablet called “Reminders” does? I’m such a dullard. I don’t have much on the list and had it set up relatively quickly. I think that is the brightest bulb I electrified all year. It started paying off that night. 10pm I got a text. I thought, Who the hell is that. I checked my phone, it said, Meditate. I’ve been doing a lot anyway but this one is to get ready for bed. Do you know what the next text I got said? 11pm: Sleep. Do you set an alarm to remind you to go to sleep? The rest is also the basics of my self-care.

Monday, I thought there must be an app I can download for this, right? Of course. I’m not sure where I’ve heard about bullet journals, (Mental Health @ Home) Thank you, Ashley. I searched, trying to find the best without too many features but a lot of them were designed for business and sharing your daily tasks with co-workers and the personal ones were way too involved. I don’t want to spend the whole day writing about what I am supposed to do all day, instead of doing it. I tried “mood journal”… etc. I gave up and chose one that said it was free with in app purchases. I didn’t need extra and I set up my activities and wondered why they weren’t asking me to set alerts. No problem, I found it, set an alert, went to the next activity, hit set alert and the screen changed to you have to subscribe to “Premium” to set more than one alert. Da faq? I’m such a Luddite! [Welcome to the 21st Century: Oct. 2020]

The fucked up part is while spending the morning doing this I was getting irritated my phone kept going off with alerts I had set Sunday to remind me to do things. Do you see where I am going with this? I spent the whole morning searching for an app that would be simpler than the one I already set up in 10 minutes on Sunday which was working exactly as I wanted the whole time! What is wrong with my brain?

I think it is the depression thinking about how I “was” delusional at times this past year, that may be blinding me to the idea I may be a little delusional. I mean, My daughter and her mom making the effort to get me to their house to spend time with them and the twins are there and all the dogs and we had our usual Christmas. AND my daughter took an hour detour to the store for a loaf of bread, where we spent more time sampling deodorant scents and laughing and chatting and being ourselves.That’s the kind of specific memory I put in my gratitude list. I did start to call it my “good memory” list.

After being home for a couple hours I started wondering if the whole experience was another hallucination. My brain took it and ran and turned into believing the whole day was an elaborate ruse and they were really saying goodbye to me and that was the last time I was going to talk to my daughter. Everyone is abandoning me. Oh yeah… My brain was making plans to I don’t know what? Pack up and leave the country? Pull a “Leaving Las Vegas?” What the shit?

I had some kind of reality left in my mind. Like, hey, does this make sense? My daughter didn’t have to make a detour, It is less than ten minutes to drive to my house and say, “See Ya” And she made another trip back because I left my phone on the table at her house. Why am I thinking all this crap? I can’t shake it. I’m believing it about everyone in my life and interpreting everything as a signal I somehow missed. Good thing I got a reminder to go to bed! I kind of slept.

Tuesday morning is when I told myself to chill the fuck out. I had on my to-do list to text my daughter good morning, I got the alert and, wait a minute, she is 16, it’s school vacation. She doesn’t want me waking her up. I opened the app and moved good morning to Noon and next to her name I typed, “Chill Out!” I haven’t been over texting anyone all year, until that week I freaked out over all the suicide songs, which was a “me” problem. Even when I wanted to text, “I’m sorry” every five minutes I didn’t. I did twice.

I think I made a good connection last week when I told her I used to joke, I love texting because I can say, Great, thanks! How are you? While I’m crying my eyes out.

Tuesday, Okay, everything is back to normal. These meditation apps make sense in a way, talking about acceptance. The three I like all the same thing. You have no choice but to accept life the way it is if you want to be happy. What is so hard to accept? I don’t see my kid as often? She is an adult and has her own life? That is what made me happiest this year. My life didn’t turn out the way I planned? Me and 7 billion other people. Welcome to the club. I remember the guy I used to hear almost every day when I was doing zoom meetings. “It used to drive me outta my mind if every little detail in my life wasn’t perfect. Who da fuck am I ta think my life’s gotta be perfect? What am I? Special?” He was one of the few who made sense to me.

I’ve been doing these meditations for weeks but couldn’t get past, “I don’t deserve to be happy.” I’ve done a ton more, trying to find out which issues I need to work on. Living through pain from years ago. But I’ve done that before. But maybe, I tried it, some of them helped. But I’m trying to accept my situation today. I went full in Tuesday and Wednesday. Hours. I’m on board… But maybe not. I can’t let myself off the hook for last month. I never made my daughter cry before.

I remember last summer looking up, how to cope with major life change and how to deal with grief. I was already doing them all except therapy. That’s my checklist. Keep a routine, eat healthy, exercise, meditate, sleep. Monday I added Write and Read but I didn’t set alerts for them. I didn’t want to write that night. I want to see it on the list each day as an option.

This morning I still had the belief everyone want to ditch me. I didn’t do it a few days ago but I made myself do it today. I wasn’t having anxiety but I was ruminating. I did a 3 column layout, what’s the problem, what are the “cognitive distortions”? What are some logical, believable (to me) responses. It was a lot of what I typed here. For some reason pen and paper works better for that. I think I procrastinated because I don’t want to allow myself to feel good.

I checked it out. I’m vacillating between depression, I’m just going to give up, and acceptance, I’ll live with this the best I can. (Live with what, asshole? Life is going great?) On the stages of grief. It was funny, the first page I found had two paragraphs about it and yep, I got it. Nobody died, life got better, but that’s what I’ve been doing.

Reading through my gratitude, I saw on the same day I wrote about my daughter driving me around listening to her favorite music and sharing more. I also wrote how happy I was to find a voicemail from a therapist and called back and made an appointment.

I explained to her I wanted to focus on my daughter and (read my list above) I was feeling pains of grief last August. That was before Thanksgiving. “Something” happened. Finally two weeks ago I reiterated and we spent a session talking about it and she ended saying, she thinks we should spend a little more time on that. Really?

It’s funny, taking two minutes to write out what I was ruminating about worked. The part that helps the most is reminding myself all the “worst case scenarios” I develop in my mind have not even turned out to be negative experiences and sometimes I am surprised situations turn out to be great. Again, I waited so long, I don’t want to allow myself to feel good.

I have more but I am a bore. I am ho-hum depressed now. Leaning towards letting it go. After Tuesday’s, this is going to be easy! To Wednesday, Absolutely not! To right now, Probably gonna have to figure out a way to do it. I keep thinking of that poem. I say to myself, Hey asshole! You keep banging your head against the wall trying to figure out a solution to a problem. The only fucking problem you got is banging your head against the wall. Think you can figure that out? Okay, that got a little laugh. [Poem: Night Terrors, Forgive and let yourself live]

I gotta go. I have a tight schedule to keep. I have to exercise but it has been dismal outside for days. Already dropped that from the list. I can deal with the cold but it looks like Mordor outside my window. I have to get myself amped for meditation and bed at 10pm.

Being depressed now is almost a relief. I can relax. If that makes any sense?

[I don’t receive any monetary compensation for links below]

Matt’s Mishaps review of Healthy Minds meditation app

Insight Timer Website and free meditation app

Post about how I started my gratitude list in September. (Bounty of the County)

4 thoughts on “Snap! Back to Reality

  1. Anytime you write about your daughter it is very evident how much you care about her and love her. I also think that reminders on your phone are a great way to help practice self-care. Boring doesn’t mean that it isn’t ineffective. Hope you have been feeling better as of late.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s