Explicit Lyrics

Sunday

I was on the formal dating site for about an hour today for the first time since last summer. I read a few profiles and replied to three. I got one answer. She lives about ten minutes away. I told her my pictures were out of date and I haven’t shaved since Halloween. She asked me my feelings on manscaping so I went with it and said it makes a difference if someone is going to be near you. She pulled the COVID response and said she hasn’t had to shave her legs in six months! I wanted to write back bullshit, nobody is on a dating site hitting up strangers on Sunday afternoon because they want to get to know you very well online for the next twelve months. But I left it alone and came on here to write instead.

I wanted to get drunk last night. I wasn’t planning on starting small and working my way up. I already pictured buying enough alcohol so I could drink all night. It started at my daughter’s house. It happened early for me. Being there in a house full of people and knowing I will come home to my cat. It’s an old trigger for me but it usually doesn’t happen until I’m home. I haven’t had it that strong in a long time. I was at her house using the thought of drinking for relief from how bad I felt.

While I was home talking myself out of it I got saved by a text asking if I was home and did I want her to come over. I was like, Hell yeah! To myself and said yes! I don’t know why I was online today. I’ve been pretty whack all month. Maybe it’s the Novembeard. It itches like hell!

Monday

I’m diagnosed with “alcohol use disorder” but I’m not being treated for it. Nobody is going to ask me how I’m going to cope with a four day holiday sitting home alone. I could go on a four day rolling drunk and nobody would know about it but me. I could have done that at any time. All these months rarely seeing another person. WTF?

I’m glad I was only on the dating site for an hour. It was pretty funny seeing a lot of the same people still on there since the last time I was, six months ago. They are chronic chatters. They only want to talk through the dating app because they all have it on their phones. They don’t want to give their number and forget about meeting them. I’m all for meeting someone right off. You can tell if you like someone five minutes into a cup of coffee. It doesn’t matter what you said to each other online before you met. The more you talk online the bigger image you have built up of the other person and it never matches reality. Just meet for coffee and if you are still there talking to each other after the XL coffee is gone then you know you like each other.

Tuesday

If a woman from a dating site does give me her number, I usually get the hypertexters. From good morning to good night. They want to text all the time but only when they are with their kids and therefore unavailable. They get a babysitter and go out partying, I don’t hear my phone beep once.


My favorite is my therapist; she is always telling me, don’t hesitate to call if something comes up before we meet again. The only problem is that after 5 years I still only have her office phone number which always goes to voicemail. I called her once when I was freaking out and suicidal. She mentioned it a few weeks later. I can understand not giving out her personal number. I don’t expect that but maybe a generic email address might help? She emails people all the time while I’m sitting with her.

Wednesday

Heading into the 4 day weekend without my anxiety meds because someone screwed up the appointment and I didn’t realize I was out of refills. I called yesterday when I found out but I had to talk to a machine and they wanted a lot of info left in the voicemail. I couldn’t remember any of it but at least I gave my name and phone number. It said give them 24-48 hours to get to it. What are the chances it will be ready on the short day before a holiday weekend?

Kl and alcohol are the only substances that can kill you if you suddenly STOP taking them. You can have a seizure and die. They both work on the same area of the brain. That is why they give you bens when you are going through alcohol withdrawal. What is a person diagnosed with “alcohol use disorder” going to do when he runs out of bens? Who am I going to call about that one? Still no one has said a word about if I am going to drink anyway just because it is a traditional drinking holiday. Fucking cunts! They don’t give a fuck, they just want to get home to their families. It only takes a click of the mouse for my Dr. to refill me but I don’t think anyone will listen to the voicemail until Monday. Whatever.

They all got together as a team to diagnose me with “alcohol use disorder” but not one of them has mentioned it until the day my therapist let it slip to me in a casual conversation. It was the first I had heard of it. Totally ruins any chance I could have of returning to a somewhat normal life. I would even get rejected for hire at Walmart because all they have to do is turn on the computer and read that I am an alcoholic. If they did by some chance hire me, guess who would be put on the frequent “random” piss test list?

Fuckers! Maybe I’ll figure out where to buy some junk and start using that again. Would I get another diagnosis? “junk use disorder?” I never think about drinking when I am high on the junk.

It’s only Wednesday! I’m not telling my therapist anything again. I’ve been telling her I cured myself of “schizo-affective disorder” for the past month. What does that mean in the current terminology? I’m addicted to “schizos?”

Friday

Relax… I skipped yesterday because I didn’t feel like writing on holiday. I didn’t get drunk after all that talking. I did want some “nostalgia” beers. I wanted that good feeling of starting to drink without all that comes with it. I can’t do that like a normal person so I put it out of my head.

I did spend the day alone. It was relaxing. I ate some snacks during the day and later I cooked a big rib eye steak with asparagus and seasoned rice I make from a package. The rice is the best. You tear it open, put it in the microwave for 90 seconds and like magic… Boom! Tasty rice!

Saturday

I went back on the dating site yesterday. It’s POF if you must know. I’ve never used the phone app but you can do some pretty stalker-ish things if you have it on your desktop like I do. For instance, you can hide your profile and just “lurk”, which is what I did most of the day. I did send some messages to women I didn’t want to miss but it didn’t matter they went unread. At night I said fuck it and went full on act like I’m a full fledged member of the site on Friday night. Still very few answers. Which bugged me because I don’t send many messages and when I do they are one timers. I don’t have something I send out to every woman I see. It doesn’t matter; with the effort I put in to crafting a message, I probably receive as many replies as a good looking guy who says the ubiquitous “Hey…” I see so many complaints about.

I did manage to get blocked once. I sent a message to a woman that said, “Oh no, you cut your hair into bangs, I hope everything is okay!” That one got a response right away! She wanted to know what I meant. Apparently she had never heard the running joke about women cutting their bangs after a bad breakup or when they are depressed, etc… I told her I liked her hair. (I did even though I don’t normally like bangs) And told her I wasn’t trying to make fun of her. She blocked me.

Now I have 2 women expecting me to go back onto the site this morning and talk to them and one other woman texted me “Good morning” before I had a chance to wake up and have a good morning. I didn’t drink but I feel like I’ve been up all night drinking like I used to do on nights I spent on there. WTF? I don’t know if I can do the follow through. I’m not looking for a relationship and I never told anyone I was serious about looking. I don’t feel like explaining myself. Besides, I’ve already hidden my profile and signed out for hopefully another 6 months.

If you are going to use a dating site, I would use POF. It is free except to see who liked you which only means they swiped on your pic. You can also pay to see if someone has read your message. (stalker!) Everything else is free and from what I’ve been told you will see all the same people you see on paid sites. So why buy the cow? Right?

Accountability

I’m dating myself. Does anyone remember Bartles and Jaymes “wine coolers?” I think it was the first time alcohol companies started aggressively marketing to young women.

My first job back in the day was at a grocery store chain. I worked in the meat department. No, I wasn’t a 16 year old butcher. I was the kid who steam cleaned all the equipment after the butchers had gone home. A good job if you are trying to quit eating meat. I’m not going to tell you how bad the meat grinder smelled after just one day of use. They gave me that particular job because I worked well without supervision. As I go on you will realize I probably needed more supervision.

Okay, back to the sickly sweet, fruity tasting wine coolers. Not only did they come in a nice 4 pack of glass bottles, they also sold them in plastic 2 liter bottles! This is where I came in.

I had the run of the store and nobody questioned anything I did. I got a good idea. (In my 16 year old brain.) I went out onto the floor and grabbed 2 two liter bottles of 7-UP and carried them back to the small walk in refrigerator at the end of the butcher shop. Then I went to the warehouse part of the store and stealthily took 2 two liter bottles of wine coolers.

The walking fridge had a drain in the floor into which I emptied the soda bottles. I carefully transferred the wine from the 2 liter bottles into the 2 liter bottles of 7-UP. At the end of my shift I would carry it down to the front of the store and pay the cashier 99 cents for two liters of wine coolers because that was the price of the 7-UP.

Looking back, I think it was a pretty ingenious way to start my alcoholic career driving home and chugging my pilfered wine.

I only lasted about a year at that job. It’s another funny story. I got fired but not for stealing wine coolers. I knew a kid who worked alone in the dairy department and our freezers were next to each other. We spent a lot of time talking. But this kid was a real wise ass. To the point annoying as fuck. He said something to me and I impulsively wrapped his head with the strapping tape I had in my hands. He tried to get it out but it was hopelessly stuck in his long hair. As he started to freak out the store manager walked through the swinging doors and wanted to know what happened. That was the end of my butcher career but not the end of my drinking. I guess I was pretty determined there.

Flurries

Monday

No. It did not snow this weekend. Thank god! It has actually been unseasonably warm. Senator Inhofe would be hard pressed to find a snowball to make fun of global warming today.

My temperature has been going up as well. The good news is I think I’ve figured out what has caused all my morning rages the past couple months. The bad news is I can’t do anything about it. It started when my hours of sleep cut down. Why don’t I just sleep more, you ask? Good question. I think we all know the answer. When I take my night meds like a good boy, they work fine at putting me to sleep but I only stay asleep 3 hours. That means I have to wait 3 more hours for the meds to wear off. Apparently, these are not good meds to stay awake while they are in effect.

I discovered this after too many times missing my meds. I realized I felt much better on those mornings but I functioned less in the afternoon and evening. I can’t really stop taking my meds so I’m trying to change my morning routine. Believe it or not, drinking more caffeine helps. I guess it makes the meds wear off quicker. I’ve also started drinking coffee while lying in bed. (not this morning, I’m writing to you) But, if I spill even a drop on my blanket, rage ensues. I can’t figure it out any further than that. I’ll have to ask my doctor. He won’t know what to do either. I will tell him I’ve been on this combo for so long, I don’t want to change it.

Oh well, back to my medication experiments. The only reason I miss them at night is I fall asleep unexpectedly. I still only get 3 hours but no med hangover. I can’t do that too often. With the aforementioned, I just started foaming at the mouth because I clicked the wrong link with my overly sensitive new mouse. Okay, back to bed with my coffee.

Tuesday

I’ve been trying to find a book to listen to and write about but it is proving difficult. The first two had interesting titles and blurbs written about them but it was like being read to from a textbook. I couldn’t follow along. Now I am listening to The Smart Swarm by Peter Miller. It is related to the collective consciousness of ants, bees and birds; something I’ve always been interested in. Just my luck it is another book about how to be more productive in your job and make the bosses more money. But the guy is beating dead horses with example after example of the point he is making. I am not going to make it through 6 more hours of this. He is also killing me with the acronyms. He mentions it once and I am supposed remember what the acronym stands for throughout the rest of the chapter. And it’s not a paper book so I can’t go back for reference.

I am trying to write a fun post for Sunday so I can get back to at least 2 a week. But I spent a week thinking about it and I will probably spend another week writing it. My ability to concentrate is at an all time low. I’m not promising anything here on a Tuesday.

I think I was right yesterday. I slept 5 hours last night and it was enough for the side effects to wear off and no raging this morning. I’m feeling very calm!


I just saw something about moderation drinking. A man should limit himself to 4 servings of alcohol in a session. I could never do that. If I have 4 shots of whiskey I’m crawling the rest of the way into the bottle.

Thursday

I’m not as nervous about the president. He is trying his best to dismantle the country in his last 2 months but I was really afraid he would deny the election with all the party behind him. Now I remember when the guy on tv called Pennsylvania, he said anything the president does now is just “Flailing and failing.” Right now his personal “lawyer”, Ghouliani, is in court making a fool of himself and pissing off the judge. I just can’t wait until January.


Since I quit trying to quit coffee I’ve been drinking a lot more of it. Ironically, I am getting more sleep now than I was before. I think it’s because the later I stay awake the more hours I get in the morning. I went for a stretch of fading around midnight and waking up at 3 or 4 not knowing if I should go back to sleep or wake up. I’ve only gotten 2 nights of good sleep in a row so I’m not celebrating yet.


My mom quit drinking when she was 50. Now she acts like she’s never taken a sip in her life. She gets offended when I say fuck. I call bullshit! She was trashed all the time and every profanity or debased joke I know I heard from her when I was a kid.

Saturday

I don’t really have a good way to wrap this up. It’s 4am and I just woke up. I chose coffee instead of nighttime meds. I can’t risk taking it and feeling terrible while I stay awake all day.

I will probably run through two pots of coffee before it is time to go to my daughter’s house. I will be wide awake when I am with her. I never get tired. I just find myself in bed late at night and bored so I fall asleep for a couple hours. I hate waking up. My brain feels distorted.

Electability

Sunday

I texted my mom yesterday and told her nothing was going to happen. She said okay and put the television on mute and made breakfast. They immediately called the election! She is a political junkie and a die hard Democrat. She missed the whole thing; She was waiting 5 days!

I was surprised as hell. The released the smallest traunch of results they had all week and called it directly after. They had just explained why it was taking so long because they had to count so many more votes to be sure.

I’m glad and hopeful for the Senate. There are two run-offs for Senate in Georgia in January. That will decide control. Without control of the Senate, Biden is impotent and will be blamed for the recession and lose the next election. Maybe.

I’m glad my state went very blue. Good thing my friends and I all voted 1,000 time each. 😉

Monday

Uber threw in a little twist yesterday. I don’t know it it will apply to all the drivers. When I got hooked up with a ride the app gave me the driver’s info and a little blurb that said, “Gina is known for great conversation.” I told everyone I was worried I would have to talk to the driver the whole way home. We laughed and said I should cancel. About two minutes into the ride I found out “great conversation” was code for “Gina won’t shut the fuck up.” I didn’t get much talking in but I did a lot of listening. I didn’t mind, it was an entertaining ride home.


A lot of things made more sense when I looked at from the perspective of my brother studying me for years. He has me so fucked up sometimes I delete emails before I reply to them or something I need to take action. I try to be very careful when I delete. I’ve lived alone for years and I’m still afraid.

Friday

I’ve been scared all week. Scared of everything. I think a lot of it is from the president and the millions of people who believe what he says.

I read another person counting the days since their last drink. Some people count 10 years in days. It seems a bit obsessive. I count in months now and hopefully I’ll still be counting when it’s a year. It would be nice if it was like when I quit smoking. I don’t remember what year it was but it was a long time ago. I just remember it by where I lived at the time and know roughly how long it’s been.

Social Distortion

Saturday

The avatar I use for all my journal posts was done by my daughter’s half brother. He used an app called Procreate on his iPad. He just turned 12. I spent about 30 seconds describing what I wanted and he took literally 30 seconds to draw on his first attempt. The only note I had for him was to make the jaw a little more square. I didn’t go into that much detail when I asked but he drew exactly what I had pictured in my mind. Procreate is like Photoshop for your tablet. You can use a stylus or just your finger. He used his finger to draw this.

You may be wondering why I am sitting here typing on Saturday morning instead of calling an Uber to visit my daughter. So am I. She asked me if we could skip a week. She didn’t want to say why but it’s not the first time she didn’t feel up to it. Of course I started my favorite “Cognitive Distortion”, All or Nothing thinking. ‘She doesn’t love me anymore. I’m never going to see my daughter again.’ I can’t help it, my brain has always run in extremes. But it was easy to talk myself out of this one after all my time in CBT. Maybe I will take the extra time to write a post for tomorrow. I’ve been thinking about it all week but haven’t even come up with a decent title. Writing a little in this journal every day is easy but I always wait until the last minute to do a real posting. It’s a good story , I just need a good opening paragraph. I’ll come up with something. I usually need to be backed into a deadline before I can start and finish a project.

Sunday

I had an eventful Halloween night. It turned my frown upside down. A came over by herself because T got hurt when another car hit them on the highway. She was much more expressive than usual, telling me how glad she was to have me to herself, asking if I thought she was sexy and did I think about her when I was alone. I said yes, because she is hot. I was glad too because I like younger women. It was better than having them both here.

Monday

I think my mom is going to live forever. She is almost 70 and she still smokes a pack a day. She knows she can’t quit but she won’t even switch to a vape with less chemicals. She also drank a lot until she was about 60. She has already outlasted her parents by 10 years. I wonder if I will inherit her longevity. I quit smoking about 10 years ago and I think I’ve quit drinking. (At least I hope) The last time I had the flu was in high school. The worst illness I get now is a small sniffle. I got run over by a car and was pretty damaged a few years ago but I don’t think that will shorten my lifespan. I’ve always thought I was superhuman after all the near death experiences I’ve survived. Here’s to life, cheers.


Last week my case manager made a point of telling me about something important and said she would get back to me with an answer right away. Today she texted about something else and it should have at least jogged her memory because the two things were related. She does things like this all the time. I wonder if she bakes it? She likes to go camping with her boyfriend and that is what people do when they go camping. Drink beer and smoke weed. Sleeping in a tent isn’t that much fun.

Tuesday

I’m going to vote but I don’t want to watch the election coverage until after they know who wins.

I just finished a collection of Chuck Klosterman essays; “Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs”. It was almost impossible to finish. He went on forever about how “The Empire Strikes Back” defined the Gen X’ers. I’m Gen X and I never saw the stupid movie in the theaters; We couldn’t afford to see good movies. I had to wait to see the whole trilogy in the 90’s while I was tripping balls. It was excruciating. My cultural education came from seeing Brooke Shields nude in “The Blue Lagoon” when our parents stuck us 4 kids in the trunk of a Pontiac Catalina so they wouldn’t have to buy us tickets to the Drive In. That’s right kids; A drive in movie theater. I think they will make a comeback due to social distancing suggestions.

Wednesday

Went to bed stressed about the election. They were trying to predict when almost no votes were counted. They are saying whoever wins will have to heal and bring this country together. How is that going to happen when the current president calls half the country “losers?” Everything is still too close to call this morning so I shut off the television and I’m on joke Twitter for some relief.

Thursday

Ugh. I did a media blackout last night, I woke up and still nothing happened. It doesn’t really matter because it’s the senate that controls everything. They already got the corporate tax cuts and all the judges they wanted. Now they just don’t approve anything for the next 4 years. Stock market still goes up. Recession won’t hurt anyone who matters.

I just have to not think about it. I’m watching a cooking show on PBS. I haven’t really gotten caught up in watching the minute by minute election analysis. That is too much for me. None of them know what is going to happen but they repeat themselves over and over. I woke up for a couple hours last night and didn’t even check. I watched cartoons.

I woke up too early and drank a bunch of coffee. I bought it at the store because I destroyed my old coffee maker. I ordered a new one but it was shipped to my daughter’s. People steal packages from my building. The woman at the store was trying to give me a coffee card so I could get a free coffee after I bought whatever. I told her I won’t be buying anymore. I won’t get a free coffee anyway because I never bring a stupid card with me to the store. I can’t keep track of that shit.

Friday

I didn’t get caught up in too much of the election coverage for the first couple of days. I would check in every few hours to see if anything changed. After midnight I got tied up in watching minute to minute and it stressed me out. Nothing happened again. Now the whole day has gone and still nothing. Finally someone on television made sense. We had historic mail in voting and it takes longer to count those votes. So just be patient.

I really can’t believe he just came out and lied about massive fraud with all the people who take him at his word. I email a woman and we don’t talk politics but she told me she spent 8 hours at the polls. I said I didn’t know you worked the polls. She said, no, I was there volunteering to look for voter fraud. I was surprised. Especially in our tiny state with a whopping 2 electoral votes. I’m sure we have a huge conspiracy here. I couldn’t say anything to her because I know she is an ardent supporter. I vote but I don’t wave a huge flag with my candidates name on it. I’ve never “loved” a president of the United States. I don’t trust everything a politician says and take to the streets for them.

Saturday

This is going to take a lot longer than I thought. Watching the news is ridiculous. The President says something that is complete bullshit and they treat it like it’s a debate. Now you have people out protesting at counting centers who think it’s “very suspicious” votes are being counted.

At least I am going to see my daughter today. But she has just developed an interest in politics and has been watching closer than I have. I know how the vote is going but I am afraid of what he will do in his last 2 months in office.

Uberriffic!

Heart colored pencils

Ass, Gas, or Grass, Nobody Rides for Free!” To bring back a saying from last century. Having recently signed up for Uber to get my own ass around, I was reminded of my own “Magical Mystery Tour” the first time I took an Uber ride. I was using Tinder at the time and expanded my miles radius because there were not enough women in my area. Well, there were plenty of women in my area but they were all the same women from normal dating apps who didn’t understand Tinder was designed to be a hookup app. They kept the same old tired profiles and it wasn’t uncommon to see the same line over and over again. “If all you are looking for is a hookup, don’t waste my time!”

I got a match from a young woman who lived in Boston. (about 40 minutes away) I didn’t know what would come of it since I had no car and women from Boston don’t usually travel to NH. The bus service to Boston from my area stopped at 10pm. I was talking to her around 2am. I didn’t care. I tried to keep her laughing and flirting at the same time.

She decided she wanted to meet me but I told her I couldn’t travel that far. She said not to worry about it. She will send an Uber ride. I asked her if that would be too expensive. Again she said don’t worry about it. That’s when I started to get the squirrels running around in my stomach. The good kind of anxiety.

She sent me a screen shot of the travel information and I had to hotfoot it into the shower because the car was surprisingly 15 minute away from me. I made it out to the parking lot and caught the car just in time. I was styling. Headed to the big city to get laid in the middle of the night. I was excited, texting her and talking to the driver at the same time.

When I got to her I was surprised to see she lived on a good stretch of Mass Ave. A major avenue through the center of the city. Her apartment building was in prime location with a parking garage underneath and even had a 24 hour receptionist in the lobby. She told me to ignore him and act like I belonged there heading straight to the elevator.

In an unusual turn of events she looked even better than her pictures. She had me sit on the couch and found something to watch on tv. She asked me to rub her back, she wasn’t feeling well. After a few minutes she was apologizing and saying she had to go to sleep. Sorry, she will call another ride to get me home. I was surprised because it seemed like a lot of trouble to find out I didn’t live up to her expectations.

The next day I chalked it up to one of those things that only happens to me. But later that night she texted me and asked if I wanted to try again. Oh, she really was sick last night. I thought she just didn’t like me. We started the whole process over again. I took another ride down to Boston. She explained she didn’t want any of her neighbors to know what she was doing and she would have me dropped off a block away at the corner store where she would pick me up. She drove up in a Porsche SUV. I was beginning to wonder where this woman in her 20’s was making all this loot.

By this time we were well into the next day. She said she wanted to get a hotel room but we would have to wait until check in time. I was fine with whatever she wanted to do. She was the boss.

We finally got into the hotel room. She said she needed to take a shower and she did. I took one right after her. When I came out she was fully nude on the bed. She was in beautiful shape. I got into bed next to her but she seemed stiff and pensive. She said she was fine and maybe could I rub her back to relax her. It didn’t help and suddenly she said she was sorry she couldn’t go through with it. I’ve been turned down by women before but never when we were already naked and ready to go. She kept saying she was sorry for chickening out. I said, no problem, people aren’t going to match up all the time.

She called yet another ride for me so I could get back to my place. I couldn’t believe it. She must have spent about a thousand dollars with Uber and spent 48 hours looking forward to it, only to have nothing happen. I couldn’t figure it out. I hadn’t put any pressure for her to get me down there. I would never expect someone to do that.

This would have been a much more satisfying story if I told you we had crazy sex in the hotel room. I don’t care. I had 2 days of excitement. I guess that was thrilling enough for me. And I have a good story to tell.

(I told her to give all the drivers 5 stars)

Chillaxation

MONDAY: I’m not sure about the ethical considerations when it comes to using Uber. It seems like it will be the best thing for me to do this winter. It is my responsibility to get myself to see my daughter each week. I live in a semi-rural area so taxis are a rare sight. For instance ABBA Taxi, inc used to be run by two guys living in an apartment in the same complex as me. Their “taxi” was a 15 year old beat up minivan. I suspect it broke down and put them out of business. Not taking Uber would probably only cost me $10 more per week but that is $40 a month I have to remove from another part of my budget.

Since I was told, “Dude chill”, in my comments section I have been chillin’ dude. I thought back and realized I’ve been using the 2 hour settle down and prepare method forever. I almost always start things way too early. I don’t start them, I start thinking about them. Sometimes it backfires and my positive symptoms of schizophrenia can build up. (Positive does not mean good.) If that happens I have almost zero chance of leaving the house. Sometimes I can tell if I will have one of those days. I can feel it when I wake up in the morning and if I can force myself out the door as soon as possible, I can get things done.

Wednesday

I lost interest in writing yesterday. It’s too bad because I was much calmer then. That whole 2 hour rule is bullshit if I let things get out of control. Yes, I’ve got the “roid rage” again. I’m not going to describe it again. I think I’ve spent the last month writing about it on the daily. Speaking of writing daily, I have no idea what to write about and post this weekend. Getting the Uber app reminded me of the first time I rode in one on someone else’s dime. But that is another sex story.

I wish I could figure out what is going on day to day. Last night I took my meds and got plenty of sleep but I’ve been freaking out all day. Yesterday I forgot my meds and got no sleep and I had a normal day.

Thursday

I make weird salads. I make 2 at a time. I cut all the vegetables into 16 bite size pieces. For each salad that is one stalk of celery, half a cucumber and half a tomato. Plus some romaine I also cut into 16 pieces. It works out to 12 salads for two weeks based on how long it will last in the fridge. Everything works out even except for the celery. You never know what you are going to get from a bunch of it. I do like to eat the celery hearts as a treat when the rest is gone. I eat the whole celery, including the leaves. Is that weird? I do chop off the base at the root. I’m not some kind of filthy animal. I don’t use salad dressing. I use a drizzle of soy sauce, garlic powder and dried basil and oregano. Necessity is the mother of invention.

Friday

I made it through the first 2 hours of the day. (Barely) I must hate myself and my life. I woke up screaming at my prescription bottles. (I think they are designed to make me feel worse so I will take more in the hopes of feeling better.) They’ve been up twice to fix my toilet and it wouldn’t flush again this morning. (oh yeah, what a rager) They can get it to flush once and tell me it is fixed. I explain to them I can get it to flush once. (once) It doesn’t mean it’s fixed. They leave.

I’ve dodged a few bullets so far this morning. (I should consider myself lucky.) I almost burned myself pouring boiling water in the top of my broken coffee maker. It lasted a good while for $14.99 at Walmart. Almost broke the glass pot purposely in the sink because it was half full of grounds when I poured it into my cup. (lucky or I would have had broken glass everywhere) Slammed back the cup full of grounds and slammed down my mug to the floor. (Lucky again it was carpeted.) Then I found the real culprit (It was me) I screamed so loud as I beat the fuck out of my stomach with clenched fists like some oversized gorilla. It hurt but again I was lucky I have strong abdominals from years of hard work. Does my doctor have something for that? Besides anxiety pills which don’t calm me.

I think it really started when I opened my blackout shade and saw snowflakes flying. I fucking hate winter. The main reason I don’t move down south is my daughter lives here and I would like to continue seeing her. One thing I do like about winter is it kills all the insects. That’s another reason I don’t move to a warmer climate. I don’t do cockroaches. (gross!)


About 15 years ago I bought a pretty good Dell computer. I had to get rid of it when Windows dropped support for XP. But it came with a set of Harman/Kardon speakers. Left and right side 2 inch tweeters and a woofer that still thumps under my desk. I’m no Luddite but I think I’ve got it pretty good.


I like when people expect me to act like I don’t have a major mental illness.

Maybe You Should Talk To Someone

This is the second book I’ve read by Lori Gottlieb. I liked it for all the wrong reasons. Based on the first one I read, “Marry Him, The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” I thought I would be reading something completely different. “Marry Him” is about her long lasting journey on dating sites where she passes judgment on perfectly acceptable men for the most picayune of reasons. As a result she ends up a single mom in her 40’s trying to find “Mr. Good Enough”.

This book started out in that vein but quickly turned. She is a therapist, (I did not know that) who needs to find a therapist because her fiance breaks up with her because she has a young child.

You quickly get an idea of why she could be so picky about men. She worked as a consultant on the television shows Friends and ER. That is where she found her passion for helping people and decided to go to med school and eventually she becomes a famous therapist and author. Plus she has a thriving career in journalism on the side.

The chapters follow her sessions with her talking with her new therapist about “Boyfriend” and also follows clients of her own. Do not read this book if you fear your therapist is judging you. Because they are. She talks about being open and non-judgemental but she drops in some pretty harsh criticisms of her clients, I think without realizing she does it. Also she gets together with her colleagues once a week for wine and cheese where they gossip and pass judgement on their clients. It seems if therapy turns out well it is because of good work by the therapist but if it goes badly it is the client’s fault for not putting the work in. (Not always true, trust me)

She figures out it is not Boyfriend she is really fretting over and also learns some lessons that help in her own practice. The book actually made me cry unexpectedly, which is not normal for me to do while reading. It took a bad turn with no prelude.

About the author. I wonder how she got into being a therapist based on her own behavior. Mostly based on her internet stalking of people. In “Marry Him” she does it to weed out the potential dating partners and also to gather information for her book. I still think she went a little further than needed to write a book. The surprise is how in depth she got stalking her own therapist. I understand wanting to know a little about them to see if you think you would be a good mix. She goes deep down a rabbit hole. She studies his family, his extended family, cousins he knew as a child. She looks them up on LinkedIn and finds out what they do for work and how much money they make. She goes on Zillow with the addresses she finds and knows how much their homes are worth. I think she is a bit obsessive to say the least. I don’t think she would be good as my therapist. I would be afraid she was google stalking me. Although there is not much to find out.

I’m not sure how much she embellishes because of so many coincidences. For example, her practice is in Los Angeles, a very large city but she keeps running into clients in random places around the city. She wraps up the book by claiming success of her abilities of helping her clients lives be tied into neat little packages but blames the one client for being the reason therapy didn’t work.

I recommend this book even if you have never been in therapy. There is a lot to learn and it kept me reading. She is an excellent writer. I plan to read another book by her, “Stick Figure”, even though I have no idea what it is about at the moment. She is a very interesting person.

Welcome to the 21st Century

I think I am the last person to download and use the Uber app. It worked out pretty well for me. I got to my daughter’s house and back in good time Saturday. I don’t know how it will work next week. I was lucky (No, not that kind of lucky.) to catch a woman just as she was leaving her driveway. She was the only driver available on Saturday morning. More drivers were out in the evening when it was time to go home. Both ways told me it is harder to find a ride in the mornings. They make their own hours and can get more passengers later in the day and at night. I will have to see how it works for me. Hopefully I can get lucky again.

I also finally bought a wireless keyboard and mouse for my desktop computer. The old ones were dying after years of use. It says I can use them from 30 feet away. I don’t know how I would see the screen. I don’t know what I will do when my desktop is obsolete. A laptop would be nice but I think I would miss my 19 inch monitor and full size keyboard. Does anyone else work like this? I’m not completely prehistoric. I do own a tablet but I type very slowly and I don’t use it to it’s full capacity.

Tuesday

Last week someone told me to take a chill pill in the comments of one of my posts. It gave me pause. I already knew I was writing negative journal entries but it was my anger giving me impetus to write. By the time I calmed down I didn’t feel like opening this app anymore. I wasn’t getting much sleep and kept missing my meds or taking them at the wrong times.

I was reminded on one of those bad days when I had to be ready for a ride one day. I had two hours to get ready and I was raging. I knew I couldn’t be an emotional wreck when they got here. I was all over the place so I narrowed my focus down to hyper-reality. I created a mental checklist of what I needed to do to get ready. Shower, shave, etc… Then I did them all one at a time. This week I am trying to give myself two hours before I write. That is usually what I need to calm myself down. It’s a concerted effort.

When I was working I would do something similar. I was manic and going to school for web programming after work. I would work on my project until I was stymied around midnight. Then I would pop up at three every morning with the answer to the problem that stopped me. I would put on a pot of coffee and work through my solution until five when I had to leave for work. All that got me ready to deal with my responsibilities. I would go into work bumping my gums and busting balls. I didn’t hold back with anyone. I need a routine like that again but my concentration isn’t good enough anymore to take on a large project.

Wednesday

My coping skills work fine when I don’t need them. One night last week my symptoms were so bad I took to bed early. My voice was yelling at me, telling me I’m worthless, useless. That caused my anxiety to skyrocket. I knew if I got really drunk it would all go away. But it would come back worse the next day. It wasn’t a strong dose of willpower that stopped me from walking to the store for beer. I couldn’t pull myself together long enough to leave my apartment to follow through.

I’m starting to feel like that again but it’s only 11am. I’m not lying in bed. I have plenty of energy but nothing to do with it. I’m trying to write my way through it now. It’s not as bad as last week. I have to be extra careful because it is so early in the day. If I bought beer now I wouldn’t stop until the store closes at 11 tonight. Alcohol only works on my symptoms if I drink myself into a blackout. I can hear my therapist telling me to be mindful and stay in the moment. What if the moment sucks?


I loaded my self with pasta. All the food in my stomach takes blood away from my brain and calms me down. It’s still early so it looks like I will be packing on a few more pounds tonight. It’s not the best way to do it, but it’s one way to do it.

Thursday

I’ve got a couple good nights of sleep under my belt. Today seems like it will be a good one. Last night I fell asleep without taking my medication, which is unusual because I usually need them to sleep. The med that puts me to sleep is also my anti-psychotic. I can’t miss too many of those. Although it does build up in my system so missing a night or two should be okay for me.

I hear a voice but it is back inside my head today and easy to ignore. Right now I am just listening to familiar music so I can follow the vocals and redirect my attention. Another problem I have is hearing noises coming from outside my apartment. I can’t tell if it is someone being loud or if it is my imagination. A lot of times when I hear something loud I check with my cat. If his ears perk up and he looks at the door then I know the noise was real. If my cat doesn’t hear it then it is just me. My paranoia of police kicks in whether the sound is real or not. I think they are going to kick the door in and take me. I’m not doing anything illegal so I don’t know why I think that way. If I’m feeling okay I can reason my way out. I can tell myself how unlikely it would be for the cops to bust the door down. Other times noises I hear can freeze me in bed for hours.


I had to call maintenance today. I’ve been putting it off all week. Now that banging on the door could happen anytime today or even tomorrow. I just have no idea when.

Friday

I’m following my new 2 hour rule. I can outlast almost anything if I can wait 2 hours. I didn’t realize it but I was already doing it before my visits to my daughter. I get up early, more than 2 hours before I see her so I am prepared when the time comes. Lately I’ve been writing in the mornings while I was enraged. Can you imagine veins popping and screaming at inanimate objects because you made a typo or couldn’t remember how to spell a word you knew well. It wasn’t until someone told me to chill out in the comment section that I decided not to do anything for 2 hours in the morning.

Like I said, I was doing it in the mornings before work without realizing it. I didn’t make the connection that if I slept until my alarm woke me I would have an awful day at work. But If I woke up very early I had time to prepare my mind. I make a ton of typos all the time but I don’t always flip out over them. I’ve been using the backspace key all over these 2 paragraphs and I feel pretty calm.

I was already using the rule when I felt like I wanted to drink. If I can wait it out for 2 hours the idea usually goes away. Instead of getting drunk I will stuff myself with food or try to sleep. Food is making me fat but at least it’s not making me do all kinds of other stupid shit.

Granted, sometimes the 2 hours is really waiting for a med to start working. I know if I can wait that long I should be okay with whatever is bothering me. I wish I could take naps again. I haven’t taken a nap in over 5 years. A nap would give me a 1 hour head start on the problem.

I try to do passive activities when I am in trouble. Watching tv, eating, drinking coffee, listening to or reading a book. Sometimes I even get into trouble doing any of that. I get yelled at and anxious or angry. I skip from one thing to the other and get upset when I can’t do one for more than a couple minutes. Of course all this hinges on me having 2 hours of time completely alone. I can’t cancel working but I can get up at 3 am to prepare.

All Night Long

This is a day in the life from when I was 10 years old and lived with my grandparents. Every morning my grandfather would get up early to drive my grandmother to her shitty job. Then he would drive to his shitty job. After a long day at work he would pick her up on the way home. On the way back to the house they would pick up a 12 pack of 16 ounce cans of Narragansett beer for him and a bottle of Jenkins whisky for her. (bottom shelf)

My grandmother enjoyed “Hi-ball’s” which in her vernacular was three fingers of Jenkins over an ice cube. My grandfather must have chugged the beer because that was a lot of liquid and he would finish it by the end of the night. (Every night)

In the evenings my brother (7) and I were only allowed to sit on the couch in the living room or to get something from the kitchen. My grandparents would sit on the other couch and start drinking. Back then there was no cable television. There were only 3 broadcast networks on VHF (Very High Frequency), 4 if you counted PBS. Those were the channels that came in clear if the rotary antenna on the roof was adjusted correctly. We also had UHF (Ultra High Frequency), which sounds better but it’s not. The picture would be full of static. That is where my brother and I would find “Creature Double Feature” and Texas Wrestling on Saturday mornings.

My grandparents would start the night in a good mood; Watching the news first and then moving on to prime time television. After that they were drunk enough to start arguing with each other. That was a sign for my brother and I to go to bed. It didn’t help much. I think my brother fell asleep quickly most nights but I never slept as a child and I stayed up listening to them yelling loudly at each other. Even from upstairs I could hear them clearly. By this time my mom had already slipped out the downstairs window to hitchhike to the bar where her sister worked. (My mom was almost 30)

They didn’t fight over normal things like money etc… They fought about things that happened years before. I don’t know if they looked at the clock but they always seemed to finish up around midnight. Then they would fight over who got the last word. My grandmother would be going upstairs and yell, “You want the last word, you got it!” and he would yell something similar. Both of them telling the other to take the last word but they were taking the last word by saying that. My grandfather stayed downstairs. They didn’t sleep in the same room.

The next morning would be the same day all over again.