The Truth Shall Set You Free!

My doctor said, “Your medications are making you worse.” He called it, The Paradoxical Effect. He started explaining it to me but I already knew, I just didn’t know it was a thing with a name, I thought it was me getting worse. He didn’t say anything about stopping any medications. I was pissed. I yelled, “You mean my whole life had been one big, horrible side effect?” He only replied, “Do you want therapy?” Something he has been trying to get me to do again for months. I said the same thing I always say, “I don’t know, Jim, I don’t trust anyone right now.” He told me to set an appointment for two weeks. I called the office and made it a month. I needed sometime to think. That was the last time we spoke.

I don’t understand. Was that his way of telling me to stop my meds? Is he not allowed as a psychiatrist to suggest quitting? It doesn’t really matter because I was already unintentionally tapering off the Latuda. I could not tolerate the pain and uncontrollable movement caused by akathisia. I was already skipping doses when I could not force myself to intentionally swallow a pill that I knew would cause me pain from the moment I woke up the next day. I didn’t tell him that only a few days prior I had made a plan to cut down and stop as quickly as I could. I don’t know how fast is too fast; I gave myself a month but I am sure I cannot handle 30 straight days of akathisia symptoms. It is real horror show like!

No medication has ever really worked for me but I would always think, imagine how bad I would be without medication. He told me I am at the end of the line when it comes to anti-psychotics. I recently read several articles saying after decades of being on them with no real improvement, the patient usually does better without them. That also went into my decision to quit.

I had suspicions my medications were having an opposite effect in the past. I really believe it after ceasing Sapphris last December and having several strong symptoms disappear the next day. The symptoms that had me agree to double the Sapphris thinking it was supposed to helping. Maybe I do need more, I thought. I even picked up the higher dose at the pharmacy but before I returned back home I knew there was no way I could handle twice as much of that shit.

I became suspicious of all my medications and decided to next try the trazadone. I know it is not an effective anti-depressant and is usually prescribed for sleep. It wasn’t doing much for my sleep. It also made me feel awful both mentally and physically when I took it but still couldn’t sleep. It was no problem to quit. Now for the first time in forever I fall asleep easily with no aids.

I’m not telling anyone to quit their medications and I feel wrong about bashing the side effects for so long on here. Now my doctor tells me I am one of the lucky ones with the paradoxical effect. I’m not sure how it is going to work out but I have to try. All I know now is I am on the lowest amount of Latuda I have ever taken and the only thing that has changed is the akathisia has gotten worse. It doesn’t seem to be dose dependent.

I don’t suggest trying any of the above.

Family Vacation

When I was 4 years old I hitchhiked to Florida with my mom. We started at the north end of Rte. 1 and headed for the Keys to meet my aunt, cousins and brother who had driven down in a van beforehand. I don’t remember much of the trip. One thing that sticks out was we had to walk extra far in the woods to sleep in Georgia so we wouldn’t be seen by the police.

We didn’t meet up with my aunt and them because J____ turned tight and hit the curb and flipped the van on it’s side. None of the adults in my family talked about this unless we overheard pieces when they were drunk. Us kids pieced it together ourselves. When the van rolled my brother was tossed around in the back unhurt. A_____ got glass in her head from the driver’s side window. My cousin was 7; old enough to take the weed and stuff it in his pillow.

Someone got arrested down there but nobody can figure out who. I think it was my mom because I spent a year in foster homes. I remember I lived with a black family and the white kids would throw muck over the chain link fence and say it was shit. I knew it wasn’t shit. They were just standing in a swamp.

I lived with another family. I think they were rich. They had 3 kids of their own and me. They had a single level house with a good size yard. Right on the inlet. We could step outside the back door and walk in the water. We had to be careful for rays. That’s what they were always telling me. I could always see them. The water was clear. The older brothers caught a sand shark. Pulled it right up onto the lawn. Nobody knew how to process shark so they had a freezer full of chunks.

I got my wisdom teeth taken out. All four of them. I don’t remember; gas. They did a funny thing. Instead of putting the teeth under the pillow to get money from the tooth fairy. They set up a mason jar on the floor and a chair. I was to kneel on the chair and for each tooth I dropped in the mason jar I got a quarter.

They did another strange ritual. We sat around the coffee table in the living room; candles burning and had a seance. Looking back, I don’t know if they actually believed in it but at the time I believed they believed in it. I saw the devil’s face in a candle flame that night. I don’t think I slept for nights afterward.

I believe I was frightened that night because of a family I lived with for a short time before that. I don’t remember much of them. What I remember is their Southern Babtist Fire and Brimstone Church. Where I was a sinner just for the act of being born. And I had to repent or I was sure to spend an eternity in hell. Even with that, many are called but few are chosen. Even if you spend your entire life doing it all true. You may still burn in hell. It took me 20 years to get over that shit.

I know they couldn’t afford bail or a lawyer so I have no idea how everyone got home. I remember being so happy when my mom showed up after so long.

School Daze

Robot Brain

Monday, the 14th day of June: Tomorrow is the last day of school for my daughter. Next week it her 16th birthday. It goes by so fast. There were some extra people at her house yesterday. It was hot so we went on the beach. It was my first time this year. I didn’t go in the water. Too cold. We were all having a good time until the earwigs started crawling on people. I guess they made a nest in the beach chairs this spring. Gross. Now we might have to burn the chairs.

Wednesday: I am still talking about last Sunday. I knew my cousin in law would be there with her 2 kids. I like them all and I was happy to see them. I haven’t seen K____ in a couple years. I will always remember her as a toddler. I am blown away that she is in college now. How did 20 years go by so fast. She spent a lot of time at our house when she was a toddler. She was fascinated by me. Her eyes would follow me everywhere. When she got old enough to talk she would ask me to sit next to her at dinner and slide a chair next to me. Then my daughter was born and she got jealous. She would wait until she thought nobody was watching and knock my daughter to the floor. I met her mom shortly after I met my wife. We are maybe 15 years apart in age. Her son is in grade school and is very shy but he always smiles and waves when I say hi.

Thursday: I talked to my doctor yesterday on the phone. I yelled at him asking, Did you seriously tell me to take Benadryl for my leg pain? And told him what happened. He stopped me halfway through, wait a minute, wait a minute. We decided against that and you were going to raise your dose of benztropine and see if that worked. I was completely confused because after my Benadryl blackout I went online and figured out I wasn’t taking an effective dose of benztropine myself and made the change. I had no memory of the two of us talking about it! I was even more confused because why would I hang up the phone and walk to the store for Benadryl (which I hate) when I had plenty of benztropine sitting right there in my bedroom and I wasn’t against taking it?

It doesn’t matter. I took it myself and waited the 3 days for it to build up in my system and on the 4th day my legs didn’t hurt. But… I couldn’t go to the bathroom. I knew exactly what it was because I had the same reaction to a med before. I gave it a few days and still nothing. This is never a problem for me. I decided to give it a week. A couple days later my legs started hurting worse than ever. Fuck that, I’m not adding side effects to my regimen and I ceased the benztropine. The next day 6 days worth of food and drink came out of me!

He asked if I wanted him to read his notes and I said no, I believe you but I cannot understand why I did that with no memory of our conversation. I’m baffled. I am really out of options when it comes to anti-psychotics. I have been on all of them almost. I feel trapped.

Friday: Oh, don’t drink, they say. We got meds that’ll fuck you up way more than alcohol. I never took my meds consistently for long periods of time. If I didn’t like something, that was the end of it. I would fuck up sometimes and know I have to get back on them but it was up to me if I felt better. These past 2 years they been up my ass about, “Don’t miss a dose” , ” Are you taking your meds?” Every time I talk to someone. I don’t know, I was thinking, My brain is pretty fucked up, I’ll listen to tthem. So I’m going along not missing a dose. Finally I figured out the Sapphris was fucking me up and stopped taking it. The next day, all this horrible shit stopped. Sapphris started the akathisia. It was much worse then but I didn’t notice cause I was concerned with the uncontrollable rage I had every day. The drug was fucking up my brain and I couldn’t make simple connections. I knew I needed 8 hours after a dose for the roid rage and the leg thrashing to go away but couldn’t do the math, you know? The day after I stopped, I’m thinking, what the fuck? Am I stupid? But why would I call my psychiatrist because my legs hurt? Wouldn’t you call your physician?

Now my doctor talking about paradoxical reactions. Yeah, no shit! They list a ton of side effects but none of them said I would turn into the incredible hulk and want to destroy every morning. I didn’t get a chance to tell him I’m quitting it. So I did it myself. Then the Trazadone. You go in the behavioral health unit and everyone gets trazadone every night. Doesn’t matter if you been prescribed or not. You are now. They want every one in bed and quiet all night. I’m the only one not sleeping. Lying there waiting for first light. Slipping down to the nurses station at 5am. “Can I get some coffee, please?” “Okay, but don’t make any noise”, I kicked the trazadone a few months ago and I”ve been sleeping 7 hours a night. I couldn’t dream of that before. I fall asleep without any aid unless the akathisia keeps me up. Fucking paradoxical effects. I thought it went away with the Sapphris but I was just sleeping through my legs jumping. Oh, don’t miss a dose… Are you taking all your meds?

Daughter’s 16 birthday next week. I don’t know if I fucked up by ordering a flower arrangement. Getting delivered the day before in case she gets embarrassed, I don’t want anyone to be there. She has never been into “girl” things. She started picking her own clothes in kindergarten. It was all pants and sneakers. She would pitch a fit if her mom tried to put a dress on her. When she was 8 I was asking people what to get her for her birthday. They would say get her a doll. A doll? Are you kidding me? If she liked dolls I wouldn’t be asking everyone what to get.

I looked on the florist’s website and saw small set up served in a large, yellow, ceramic coffee cup, shaped and painted like a smiley face emoji. I called and told the guy what I was looking for and asked him what he thought. He picked out the same arrangement. I stressed 3 times, it can’t have any pink flowers in it. She has an issue with the color pink.

I didn’t want to give her cash for her 16 so I asked her mom. N____ said she wants cash, she is saving for a new bass guitar. That makes it easy.

Imagine if you will

Robot Brain

Tuesday, the 8th of June: I can’t comply with either of these medications. I have been taking a Latuda about once every 4 days. He wants me to take it every day but I can’t tolerate the pain in my calf muscles. I can’t go cold turkey either. That was extremely unpleasant. The off days I take the Vraylar. That shit fucks you up mentally. It’s the weirdest thing. I went on to read what other people said about it. The first 2 people said they slept exactly from 9pm to 4 am and then they were up for the day. I’m like, yeah, okay, how does it know what time zone you are in? I totally discounted their stories. Now here I am; it doesn’t matter what time of day I take it, 9pm, I’m in bed. I don’t really sleep but I”m not fully conscious. I’m aware of my mind running the whole time. Then… 4am… I open my eyes and I am up for the day. Not tired. Last night I thought I had an A-HA moment. I opened my eyes at 2am and felt like a “normal” day. I said, fuck this, I am closing my eyes and staying in bed the full 8 hours. I couldn’t close my eyes. I kept checking the time but it just didn’t feel right. Finally, I looked at my wristwatch and it was (did you guess?) 4am. The battery on my wall clock started dying in the middle of the night and was 2 hours slow! Now my ears are ringing like I have tinnitus. I really hope it’s unrelated. I didn’t take anything Saturday so I could function at my daughter’s the next day. I was fine.

Wednesday, the 9th of June, 2021: I biked to and from my daughter’s house last Sunday. That puts another 25 miles of pedaling on the calendar. I already forgot the total from the week before. We watched “Tangled” (Rapunzel) It was pretty good. I don’t have Disney channel at my place. I asked my daughter if she thought the guy was a little too old for Rapunzel who just turned 18. She said she didn’t know. I don’t think she is ever going to let me meet one of her boyfriends. She turns 16 this month. I usually give her cash because that is what she wants but I am not giving her cash for her 16th. I was thinking of having flowers sent to her house the day before her birthday. I don’t know what kind though. Would red roses be weird to get from your dad? I saw a local florist’s website. I could get a pretty good arrangement. Maybe I will call and ask for advice. The website was outdated. It still had Xmas flowers, but it was well done. I also need help writing the card. I want it to say something like, “Today is the first day of the rest of your life,” but a completely different phrase that means the same thing. I already dropped some coin on a Queens of The Stone Age, Vinyl. It was expensive because it was never re-released. She has quite the vinyl collection now.

“… you told me not to drive, but I made it home alive, so you said that only proves that I’m insane.” Billy Joel, “You May Be Right”

Thursday, the 10th day of June 2021: J___ stopped by a few weeks ago. I told her it doesn’t matter how long she is gone, I never wonder if I’m going to see her again. I know she will be back. She smiled and gave me a big hug. She called at the perfect time. When I saw her name on my phone I was like, There is no way I am not picking this up!

Yesterday I managed to get a blog written. I think I’m going to publish it Friday. So you will read that before I post this one.

[callback] Vraylar (cariprazine) 0 of 5 stars: Would not recommend.

Saturday, the 12th: All this time I have been trying to figure out what they did, I didn’t realize I wasn’t taking enough of anything. Oopsie.


Heart colored pencils

I sent her a clever message coming up on midnight on a Thursday. She came back immediately with something funnier which surprised me because I wasn’t expecting an answer at all. I used to be slow at asking for numbers but not that night. I asked, Do you want to text and she sent me the info. We stayed up most of the night flirt-texting. We got along great with no hesitation between messages.

She worked 2nd shift and had kids in school so she was only available in the mornings. That was okay, I never slept. I think I ended up inviting myself over that morning. She said, yeah, after her kids left for school. (This will date me) I looked up her address on MapQuest and printed it out. She lived about 5 miles away. A right turn and a left turn.

She told me she wanted me to come over, open the door to her apartment, find her bedroom, walk in and fake rape her. I never had any rape fantasies but the letting myself in and finding her in bed sounded exciting. Ultimately I chickened out. I believed her but I couldn’t shake the possibility she was giving me someone else’s address and I could get into a lot of trouble. I told her she would have to wait in the living room and I would knock once.

I probably had some more coffee while I waited and then I texted her a “;)” emoji. She texted back, “;)”. I went out to my car and left. I walked up the stairs and knocked once. The door opened and she smiled and let me in. We sat on the couch and got comfortable talking for a few minutes and she was the one who ended up raping me.

In the bedroom I got my first surprise. I had heard about it but never met anyone who did it. As soon as I put it in, she slammed shut and forced me back out. Then she ejaculated about a pint of liquid spraying all over me. It’s not urine. it’s slightly slippery like a guy’s prejaculate.

She was also the first woman I’ve met that asked me to call her a “bitch, slut and whore.” I’m not very verbal but hey, she told me to do it. I liked it because she got more excited every time I called her a name. I am usually pretty quiet but I am capable of talking.

After the first day, things went pretty well. Every Friday morning I would text 😉 and she would answer 😉 and I would drive to her place. We got to be good friends while I was there, we just didn’t text much. At the end of that winter her mom got cancer so she and the kids moved in with mom to take care of her. We talked for a bit after that, then one night I sent a text and it went to another woman who just got her the (new to her) phone number. But that is a different story.

Hornpoutin’ About

I read a missed connection on CL about someone paying the toll for the car behind them and they chased each other around the highway, waving. They said they wished they had followed them off their exit. I thought it was kind of stalkerish and I was bored so I answered the verification question of, what was I driving?, with, “Toyota 4Runner!” They answered back, haha, nope. It wasn’t much to go on so I said, That’s too bad… so you were going to follow her home? I got a return saying, No, I’m a girl… I paid a cute guy’s toll behind me and we raced down 16 going 90 mph, I wish I had taken his exit but my gf was with me and we went home. I told her I was a guy and was just fooling around on CL tonight and wondered if anyone else had answered her. She laughed and told me no. You know how weird that can be if a man followed a woman down the highway but how hot is it if a woman follows a man down the highway? Whatever. I told her I had posted missed connections and gotten answers from people who thought I was talking about them. I had met some of them in person and even dated a girl for two years after meeting this way. She started emailing more frequently and seemed really interested in me. She was 21 and she asked me how old I was. Well, of course I’m like 10 times 21 years old! She didn’t care and we kept joking. Then she sent me her phone number unprompted and said she was curious what I looked like! I sent her a picture and that is the end of the story. I am too ugly. Seriously. I got no response. I’ve always know I’m ugly but I could always compensate. Now it’s just one picture and you are done.

You may be right

Robot Brain

“Friday night I crashed your party, Saturday I said I’m sorry, Sunday came and trashed me out again… I was only having fun, wasn’t hurting anyone and we all enjoyed the weekend for a change” You May Be Right, Billy Joel

5/31/21: Monday: I remember the big fuss over football players disrespecting the National Anthem. My grandfather fought in World War II and he used that time before sporting events on television to go take a piss and get himself another beer.

His oldest son (my uncle) kept up the military tradition by volunteering for two tours in Vietnam. He came home alive but shortly after that he suicided with his service rifle the same year I was born. That was the end of any military aspirations for my family. None of my aunts, uncles or cousins ever signed up. Nobody owned a gun. We weren’t even allowed to play with toy guns growing up.

Prognosis: Suicide. Avg age of onset: 32

Tuesday, June 1st: I think I have Akathisia. I have almost zero control of my legs. If I do force myself to walk it is painful. Not walking is painful also. I’m going to talk to my doctor tomorrow. It is direct evidence. I take a Latuda I have pain and uncontrollable muscle movements. If I don’t take a Latuda, the next day my legs are fine. Etc… Every time.

Thursday, June 3rd: My doctor is going to put me on Vrylar but it needs to be approved by insurance. I asked him it their was anything I could do to stop the pain and spasms in my legs. He said Benadryl which I thought was strange but I was willing to try anything. I took 2 and waited a couple hours. It didn’t work. I took 2 more and still nothing. 2 more and it worked. I should mention I never take Benadryl because it messes with my brain. Instead of calling the pharmacy, for some reason, I walked there. It is a mile away. When I got there they said they had nothing for me. They told me the Vrylar was waiting on approval and the other two meds I had already picked up on Tuesday. I was very confused because I had no memory of picking them up. Even though I had everything I needed at home. I have no idea why I went to the pharmacy. I walked home and had to call my doctor’s office to make an appointment. My brain wasn’t working and the Benadryl dried out my mouth and throat so I could barely talk. I could tell I wasn’t making any sense but I kept trying to explain myself. Whoever listened to that voicemail probably thought I was drunk. I called again this morning and made the appt. and told them I need prior authorization. Looks like I am staying away from the Benadryl.

Friday, June 4th: Preacher’s kid turned us on to Metallica Ride The Lightning in the church basement… After hours. We were tripping balls. He lived down there. Sixteen, had his own entrance. You had the cool kidz but then never did anything as cool as we did. I lost my virginity on prom night on someone’s grave in the cemetery across the street from the school. I didn’t rent no limo. No tuxedo. Fuck that queer shit.

Sunday, June 6th: Like fucking 3am. I don’t usually google my meds before I take them but I was curious about this one since they had to get authorization from the insurance company. I don’t read anything anecdotal. I go to the company’s website. The most common side effect is akathisia. WTF? That is why I just quit Latuda. I’m all done with this shit. Why are they doing this to me? I remember I worked outside in the summer and they gave me a med that said, stay out of direct sunlight?

Today should be a good day. I will be biking to my daughter’s house. It is going to be 90 so I better not forget the sunscreen. My skin is still peeling from last time. My state lifted all Covid restrictions so all the tourists will be out. I will be riding through the main part of the beach checking out all the pretty girls in bikinis. Dirty old man that I am.

I Have Arrived

Robot Brain

Tuesday May 25, 2021: The sun burnt my face and neck and parts of my arms and legs. I am pale so I burn easily. It was my fault. I went for a 3 hour bike ride on the warmest day of the year and didn’t wear any sunscreen. Last weekend was the first time I took my bicycle any distance. I did 15 miles on Saturday and 30 miles on Sunday. By the time realized my face was getting scorched I was still trying to push myself to my destination. I am glad I made the eventual decision to turn around. I almost didn’t make it home, my body was so sore. Especially the knee above where I broke my leg. As soon as I got home my body was back to normal and the only soreness was my toasted skin.

I was lucky I had some vinegar to spray on myself. It sounds gross but it really helps a sunburn. I found a bottle of aloe lotion and I’ve been putting that on since.

Wednesday, May 26, 2021: I dropped down to my goal weight before my goal timeline before my birthday last month. I lost 20 pounds so quickly I have loose skin all over my belly. I use 5 pound ankle weights. They are pretty bulky. I was just thinking, I lost 4 of those things. That’s a lot of fat! I can’t believe 180 was an acceptable goal weight for me. I should be trying to lose 20 more pounds. 180 is my Latuda limit. It doesn’t matter how much I exercise and diet I can’t get below that. On Zyprexa my limit was 200 pounds. I can’t believe I was happy to get down to that weight at the time. That is 40 pounds overweight. Obese.

Thursday, May 27, 2021: I’ve been having out of body experiences while exercising. I can’t go too far. Just enough to see my entire body. My mind is still connected to my brain because I can tell it to correct my form if I am not moving the right way. I have tried to do it in bed lying down and listening to the same music but it doesn’t happen. I can’t do it while I am sitting here typing. Maybe it has to do with my brain being occupied with controlling my movements. The only other time I exercise is riding my bike and I don’t dare to close my eyes while doing that. As soon as I open my eyes my mind is back in my brain.

Friday, May 28, 2021: Man, they put a lot of noise in my head when I try to figure all this shit out.

I tried quitting Latuda but that turned out to be a bad idea. I made it 3 weeks and had to start taking it again. It is still building up in my system. After kicking the Sapphris I wanted to figure out what is real or not.

I got both of my shots. It was easy. I went to Walmart both times. With all the conspiracies you think I would be scared of the vaccine instead of the medications my doctor is giving me. I had to go to the state’s website and give my info and make an appointment. By the time I got my second shot a few weeks later Walmart was taking walk ins off the street. I could have waited and gone anytime.

We don’t have time for this shit!

Coffee Talk

I can’t get off the fucking clock. The night before I was going to see my daughter my eyes popped open and I thought it was time to wake up. I pushed the button to illuminate my watch and it was midnight. I had only slept an hour. I was wide awake but it would be trouble if I got up. I wasn’t worried. I thought I would get back to sleep easily. I didn’t turn on the tv. I forced myself to lie there. Finally I gave up and looked at the time again. 4:45am.

Close enough. I said I would prove to myself this was all my imagination. It’s the coffee making me hyper. I made some and took my first sip at 5. I also started making lentils. Cooking and eating lentils takes about an hour. It is mostly setting the timer on the stove to cook and setting it again to let them cool off. I wanted to time it so I could eat before I took my meds at 6. It all went according to schedule . I sat down and said, See, it’s the fucking coffee! I picked up my cup which was almost full and took a sip. It was cold! It was 6:20am. I should have easily had 2 cups by then. What the fuck was I doing for the past hour and a half? And why was my mind racing when I haven’t had any caffeine in at least 20 hours?

It started working about an hour before she got here. That was good. I still had to chew on my tongue for a couple hours. She is a great driver for the short time she’s been doing it. She got lucky with that car. It’s a 2005 BMW but it looks and drives like new. She really likes to drive. I will probably never see her again after she gets her license. She still hasn’t been on an interstate highway. I don’t think I want to be in the car the first time she does.

Last night I was back to thinking I don’t need all these medications. Until I was still awake at 4am. I gave up and took a trazadone for sleep. I woke up at 8am and started the lentils and took my anti manic at 9. (Still on the clock) Yesterday was not a typical day. Today is more like it. I wake up feeling fine and decompensate later.

I only remember all these exact times because I wrote everything down as I did it. I’ve been using my day planner to keep notes. I know I’m being hyper-vigilant about this but it has been a few weeks since my mind has intensified. I feel confident I will have a better day. I haven’t had a day where I was afraid I couldn’t handle this myself since a week ago Saturday.

I’m only getting granular about this because every day is different and usually by now I would be going 24/7. I figured out when I last had a panic attack. It was 8 years ago when I last told someone about it. I remember because it was when I first moved down here and they gave me a nurse practitioner. I told him I was having 6 hour panic attacks. He said, Panic attacks don’t last that long and dismissed it. What should I call it? Panic 2.0? SuperAnxiety?

This is stupid. I keep hearing a voice telling me I don’t need the medications. That makes no sense at all but I still want to listen. At least I’m not drinking or taking street drugs. That usually gets me off my medications. That would make everything a total mess. I can binge for about 4 days with no food or sleep before I fuck up somewhere.

It’s 10 am and I still feel good. I don’t know if taking the med in the morning is making a difference. This is only the second day. Like the magic 8 ball says,”Too early to tell.”

“You’re not as messed up as you think you are

Your self absorption makes you messier

Just settle down and you would feel a whole lot better

Deep down your just like everybody else”

“Reasons not to be an idiot” Frank Turner

And another thing

Robot Brain

Wednesday: It finally broke! I slowed down a little and all those negative thoughts stopped racing through my mind. I no longer have myself in hospital style lock down. I can leave my place without thinking I’m going to do something stupid. I’m still not well functioning but I’m functioning well enough.

Thursday: I may have spoken a bit too soon. This morning I woke up feeling, Wow! I can’t remember the last time I slept so well. I don’t remember when I fell asleep, trying to fall asleep, falling asleep or even how the television got turned off in the middle of the night. I felt great. I did my normal daily routine which is very healthy. The unhealthiest part of my morning is coffee but half the studies say it is good for you. I’m not looking for any health benefits from coffee. I’m just feeding an addiction. I don’t drink a lot. I just can’t cut it out completely.

I felt so good I was confident this was going to be the first day in a long time that didn’t go downhill. Then it hit me. A panic attack. Anxiety has been my regular friend but I haven’t had a panic attack in at least a few years. Long enough for me to forget how long. But, what the hell was this? I knew immediately so even though it sucked, I knew how long it would last, all I had to do was lie down and wait it out, do some deep breathing and I would be fine.

Six hours later. My deep breathing wasn’t working out so well. My ribcage and abdomen were sore from holding my breath so tightly. I wouldn’t realize until I ran out of oxygen, breathe out and try to breathe deeply again. Again and again. This was making my anxiety worse than the panic attack that started the whole thing.

The great thing about my anxiety mind is It keeps saying, Oh no, this is the worst day ever! But my rational mind quickly stepped in and said, Well, actually… Saturday was much worse than this, remember?. My anxiety mind answers, Thanks. Thanks for reminding me that I could actually get worse. My regular anxiety can get pretty intense but I know it can’t last forever. It just feels like it will.

It’s getting dark now and I feel pretty calm. As soon as it started fading I knew what to do. I went into the kitchen and whipped up a big carb coma recipe. That was a couple hours ago and it is working. I don’t know why it works. Maybe because it pulls the blood down to my stomach, away from my brain and my lungs follow naturally to feed it with oxygen. Whatever it does, I wish I could do it sooner. Eating was not an option before then.

Friday: Be sure to tune in to your next manic episode after this brief anxiety! I don’t know what the fuck is going on. Up at 2, flying by 5, ruined the whole day. One piece of good news. I think I figured out why I’ve been calming down in the evening and still sleeping at night. I recently started taking my anti manic/psychotic in the daytime so I can get the calories it needs. I always took it at bedtime because that is what the dr. told me. But he was trying everything to slow me down at the time, I wasn’t sleeping at all. Now I’m realizing after a few hours I mellow out. Just in time too because my daughter is picking me up tomorrow and I was worried who I would be when I woke up. I can’t be babbling in her ear while she is learning to drive. I also can’t be bouncing off the walls at her house. N__ would be so pissed at me. I’m going to try taking it with breakfast and I will have a few hours for it to start working. Maybe it would be good idea to take my med before I start flipping out. Do you think?

In other news. When I’m calm I’ve been arguing with my voice. It’s been telling me, See, you don’t really have a mental illness. All these symptoms are just side effects of all the meds you’ve been taking all these years. I talked back. What about when this happened? What about when that happened. It had an answer for everything and I was starting to believe him. I was scared I would stop taking everything. Finally I got him. What about the first 28 years of my life I wasn’t medicated? Explain all of that! That got it. Now it’s easier to end the conversation. At first I would take meds, feel better, think I didn’t need them, stop taking them and end up in the hospital. Start taking them, feel better, etc… Explain that. As nice as it would be to not have a mental illness, I know what happens when I stop my meds. It’s never good. I’ve done it a thousand times.