Dang it!

Tuesday

12/22/20: The dog in the picture had been dead so long she had totally forgotten about him and was surprised by the question of what breed he is. That’s how old the picture was. The woman in the picture sent me an email the day after we met to “let me down easy.” She seemed like a really nice person, we just didn’t hit it off. I just wrote back; thanks for writing most people just ghost and leave you wondering, nice meeting you, thanks again. To tell the truth it was obvious we weren’t what each other were looking for and I was planning on just ghosting her. But what was she thinking surprising me when I woke up in the morning and giving me 15 minutes to get ready. I wasn’t expecting to meet her until later that day.


When my daughter was 8 she refused to curse. I don’t know why. Both her mom and I swear like sailors. I drop F bombs like I am a B-52. Instead of swearing she would say “Dang it!” and smile because she knew she was being funny. I don’t know how she learned which words she can’t say. Do they put a list on the board at school? We never had to admonish her because she never uttered a bad word. She is 15 now and the worst she will say is something, “sucks.”


Right now I am saying “dang it!” because for once I didn’t wait to shop last minute. I knew the mail would be slow and I ordered my daughter a few things way back around thanksgiving. I am tracking them online and only one has a chance of making it on time. It is in tracking limbo. It left Pennsylvania 3 days ago and still hasn’t arrived at a facility or hasn’t been scanned yet. It does figure into the usual state of my life that the one thing I ordered for myself less than a week ago has already arrived at her house. I ship my own packages there because people in my apartment building steal packages down by the mailbox area.


My daughter is doing school remotely but her half brothers who go to school in the same town have to be present in the school for half the week. Doesn’t make sense to me either. They all live in the same house. A kid in one of her brother’s classes tested positive for COVID so just that one class has to quarantine at home. Like the kid who tested positive didn’t come into contact with anyone else in the whole school. Sorry, but that is just retarded. Sorry if I offended anyone with that word but I am old and that is how we used the word back then.


I feel bad for yelling at my therapist but it had to be done. I wasn’t angry with her for not knowing the answer to my question, I was angry because she is trying to tell me of all her network of people who work in the field… Nobody has ever even heard of someone in my situation? My case is far from unique. I’m not asking for the answer. I’m asking for direction toward who to call for the answer. It is someone who works for the state but I’m not calling every office in the state giving my info only to find I am talking to the wrong office. She works with the state regularly and has no idea who to call to ask this question? No idea?


I know what happened on my end but what was that woman expecting to see when she showed up. I am afraid to send my selfies because they look so horrible. I use the rear facing camera, I don’t use any filters, I don’t retouch the photo, I don’t even crop it, and I’m in bad fluorescent light reflected off plain white walls. If I look uglier in real life than I do in that picture, I am in trouble!

Imagine if I said fuck it and got drunk and went internet crazy this weekend? I can see it now… I wake up and I look at my phone to see I’ve been texting three different women from a dating site (I can be quite lugubrious when I am drunk) and whoa! One of them is coming over in a few hours! Shit! I’m hungover like a dog!


I have to get up in the morning. Usually I can’t get to sleep until 4 or 5 in the morning. These people can’t fathom why I don’t have a normal schedule like they do. They work in the profession. I am on disability for schizoaffective disorder. I take 5 medications for it. They can’t think of one reason why I may have trouble sleeping? What do they think is going on here when I am by myself all the time? Do they think I am partying my tits off? I’m having such a great time I just can’t wait until 3am to watch that vacuum cleaner commercial… Again? They always ask how much coffee I drink. Like, yeah, I’ve been doing this 20 years and I’m too stupid to figure out coffee might be keeping me awake. I barely drink any coffee but thanks for that excellent solution!

Wednesday

Wow! I wasn’t expecting that! I caught my therapist in a lie and called her out on it and now she is being vindictive and fucking with me 2 days before Christmas! Wow!

Hornpoutin’ 2 (Imma Sex Machine!)

Heart colored pencils

The married guys advertising use of their “sex machines” is what got me started messing with guys online last week. I didn’t know what they were talking about and they said they could “host or travel.” I had to find out about this “sex machine”. There were four separate men offering it’s use in the same night so there is quite a competition out there.

I sent out the same four messages. “How big is it? What does it look like?” It turns out there are two different kinds. All four men sent me pictures of it. Three of them sent the advertisement photo from Google and one sent a real pic of it sitting right there in the corner of the bedroom. If you have never seen one before, this is what it looks like. It is a 10″ dildo attached to a piston, driven by a large electric motor, fastened to a frame the size of a small bench. They all said they could travel with it but this thing is the size of a small piece of furniture. It’s not something you store in the drawer of your nightstand.

I responded to all four of them with the same comment, “Whoa! That looks dangerous! Does your wife know about it?” All four of the men said the same thing. It has a slow speed and it feels nice and yes, their wives know but want nothing to do with it.

Things got really interesting when I asked them if they have ever used it. I really wasn’t expecting the answers I got. That’s not entirely true. One answer I did expect was the man that lied and said, “I’ve only used it on a few women, but I haven’t had it very long.” I did not believe that for a minute. Did he mean women are lining up for a chance but he just doesn’t have time to get to them all? The other three men were surprisingly blunt. They said they have only used it on themselves. Whoa! I wasn’t expecting that! I asked them what they do after, throw it in the dishwasher? They said no, they put a condom on the attachment and disinfect it after.

What the fuck is going on in these households? They told me the machines cost hundreds of dollars. Was there a discussion with their wives? Did this money come out of the Christmas fund? Was it an early present for themselves? When do they use it? I’m sure their wives don’t want to watch, so are they sitting in the living room listening to the motor hum? Is it a Saturday morning ritual? Do they wait for their wives to take the kids out of the house to go grocery shopping? Go into the bedroom, strip down, unroll a condom over the shaft, lube it up, bend over in front of it, grab the remote and drill themselves up the ass with what is essentially a huge silicone penis attached to an oversized power tool.

What do they expect to do if a woman really was interested in them traveling with it? You can’t really fit it in your gym bag. It would take some planning to get it out to the car. Then you have to bring it into the woman’s house. What will the neighbors think?

I’m done messing with guys online for now. Until I find something else that blows my mind. This was definitely the story I’ve been dying to tell.

Easy Like Sunday Morning

Monday

12/14/20: Christmas is approaching faster than I thought. I don’t have much money so it is a good thing my daughter is the only one I have to shop for. I would love to buy her that new bass but that is out of reach. I probably want to get it for her because I think it is as cool as she thinks it is. Her group present this year is going to be a nice laptop for school and hopefully longer. I’ve been trying to think of little things I can get sent to her in the mail she can open and be surprised. She may not like them but she will be surprised! So far I got her a set of guitar picks with her nickname embossed on them. I don’t know if they are usable but whatever. I ordered Disturbed: Down with the Sickness 30th anniversary album on vinyl. I’m not sure if she will like it but we have similar taste in music. I did realize I had never listened to the whole thing before, (yes, impulse buy) so I YouTube’d it and I couldn’t get through the whole thing. I already know she likes two songs. I also found a 7″ vinyl recording from one of her bands, Royal Blood: Trouble’s Coming. I think she will like that. It has the lyrics etched on the reverse. Knowing her and the way she likes to buy stuff for herself she already has it. I didn’t ask her this weekend because I didn’t want to ruin the surprise. I did tell her to keep an eye on the mail but the way it has been slowed down this year who knows if she will get anything by Christmas. But, completely out of character for me, I didn’t wait until the last minute to shop. So we shall see.

Tuesday

My daughter got her MacBook today. Her mom says she is “amped.” I am happy for her. She should be able to use it for years. She says she wants to buy the bass for herself so I am going to give her a little cash for that. I asked her a few years ago what is better, presents or money and she said, “CASH!”

She is finally dragging me into this century as far as music is concerned. I’ve been stuck in the 90’s for 30 years. I just couldn’t find anything I would like to listen to enough to commit to downloading onto my device. She has her finger on the pulse of all the unknown or indie bands and I like most of them. Like I said, Finally my kind of music is coming back. If you like straight hard power trio style rock I have some bands for you! Zig Mentality, Royal Blood and Dead Poet Society. (That is poet without an ‘S’, not like the movie, I made that mistake) Dead Poet Society has a really good CD called “Dempsey.” You can listen to all of them online for free. I like them well enough to pay for the download and they look like they could use the money.


9pm Tuesday night and I’ve been rehearsing what I’m going to say to my therapist when I finally talk to her Friday. It’s not going well! My cat has been hiding under the couch for the past hour! I really don’t see how I don’t escalate into yelling at my therapist within seconds of answering the phone. I’m trying not to but that’s how it keeps happening when I go through it out loud here in my living room. She has been lying to me or going to extremes not to answer a specific question that has a serious impact on the rest of my life. First they tried pretending I didn’t ask and hoping I would somehow forget. This has been happening for 4 months! People lie to me and I don’t say anything so they think I believe them. And they are like, wow, I can’t believe he fell for that bullshit. Next time I can bullshit him even more. They don’t know I am just gathering ammunition and letting them fall further down the trust scale. What they lie about tells me what I need to know. I don’t need to know any more. It’s time for me to start telling the truth!

Wednesday

I know I will be dropping “F Bombs” on my therapist but what if I call her names like you fucking bitch or worse? Would she get mad and hang up? Would she try to get me to calm down and see things rationally? That’s what will piss me off more. I don’t want her gaslighting me like my doctor tried to do. Just because I’m manic doesn’t mean I’m not coherent. It doesn’t mean I haven’t thought things through.

Thursday

Snow today. The older I get the less I like it. My daughter says she won’t go outside today.

Two things have shipped, one still just says I ordered it. Nothing else.

I downloaded those songs. It sucks because I have to do it on a computer because one of my devices only downloads from usb. It is like 15 year old ipod. It still works great. It plugs into a old time radio/docking station with the metal telescoping antennae. I bought myself a present. I got a set of wireless bookshelf speakers so I can use bluetooth and listen with good bass and in stereo. I have a sub woofer attached to my computer but it won’t connect to my music. I watch YouTube a lot. Ha! It was easy to play my music in Windows 10. I never wanted to try. It has a shuffle button but it doesn’t seem to work. It’s playing most recent. Gloria Gaynor: “I Will Survive” I don’t have much of that stuff on my computer but Cake does the best cover of it and I have that in my collection. Never mind. I can’t deal without shuffle. Back to the old school. The thing cranks. I listen to the volume on 12 if I don’t want anyone to hear me. The most I’ve had it up to was 40 and that was too much. I was pissed at the people upstairs so I pointed the speakers at the ceiling in my bedroom, shut the door and listened well from my living room! The knock on the door came at 3am. It’s digital so I don’t know how high it will go. Will it stop at 100? Who knows?

Friday

I just went totally fucking psycho on my therapist! It worked. She started working on shit before I got off the phone with her. She kept telling me it was a work in progress and I told her not to say that because there has been no progress and nobody has been working on it. It sucks I have to pull a nutty on them to get a response to something I’ve been asking calmly for the last 4 months. She tried to do it to me. “You sound like you might be getting manic.” “Some of this sounds delusional”. I told her to shut up she is just pissing me off!

Scared the shit out of my cat while I was on the phone with her. He wouldn’t come near me and was running around. He is the most chill cat though. He is already back to normal. I threatened to stop taking all my meds. Later on she asked me if I would continue taking my meds. I said I can’t say no or you will call the cops on me. Fuckers!


A woman came to my place this morning. I woke up and got an email that said call me if you see this! I called and she said she was 15 minutes away is it okay if she stops by. My coffee maker hadn’t even finished yet but I said yes. I took a quick shower and chugged the cup of coffee dispensed. She got here and she looked 10 years older than her picture and she already looked pretty old in her picture! Her cheeks continued down to her neck without interruption and she had one of those stenciled on faces you see in cartoons. I understand people using out of date pics but she named the picture with a recent date! I asked her what kind of dog was in the background of the pic and she said, I don’t have a dog! The photo was framed to have her face in the foreground and the dog was in the center It’s not like he just wandered into the shot. My picture actually was taken last week. It doesn’t matter. We weren’t each other’s types and we both made the other nervous. It was an anxiety fest!

Hornpoutin’ (Infidelity)

Heart colored pencils

Hornpout is just the colloquial term for catfish that live up here in the northern climate. I haven’t heard it since I was a kid but now it is sounding pretty funny to me. I’ve said it before, people with mania should not be allowed to have an internet connection. I say it now because I went “hornpoutin” last week for a couple of nights. I didn’t bother everyone, just the people who were ridiculous and certainly asking for it. This is sad for several reasons but also funny. I think I will have to split it between a couple posts depending on how long this goes.

One of the guys I bothered was a married for married, copy and paste post they all use but something was different that made it absurd. I wish I could remember what it was. I sent him a short message with a quick description of my imaginary generic married woman. I asked him about the logistics, you know, if we both live with our spouses how are we going to meet up? He quickly responded and said he had no problem getting a motel room so it would be “safe for both of us.” How romantic. I lost interest because I didn’t really feel like fucking with this poor married guy so I didn’t answer him again and I was already messing with some funnier people. But the next day he emailed me twice asking me how I was doing, like we were old friends or something. He was really determined to cheat on his wife. I had already ignored 3 of his emails. He didn’t even know my name or what I looked like and he already had us shacking up in the “NoTell Motel.” He was asking for it so I gave it to him.

I didn’t give him much encouragement but he was all in after 3 emails. I asked him what his wife was doing right now and he said she was on the couch on the other side of the room watching television. Imagine that? She’s sitting there thinking everything is fine and he is sitting 10 feet away using his phone to try to cheat on her with another married woman? He asked me what I do for work so I made up something and he came back with a real humblebrag. He said, “I’m a mechanical engineer for the Ford Motor Company but as cool as that may sound, it’s actually fantastically boring.” Oh yes, now I definitely want to fuck him.

I still tried to let him off the hook by ignoring him but he kept emailing me. Saturday afternoon he sent me an email while he was decorating his house for Christmas. I waited a day and asked him why he was with his family decorating and thought it would be a good idea to just shoot off a quick email to me? He backpedaled and tried to say he was alone decorating, he thought it would be fun this year and besides it didn’t take that long to send me an email, he was thinking of me. (How sweet)

I wasn’t giving this guy any encouragement. My emails said, I’m really busy with work today or something. Then I said I hope it doesn’t snow tomorrow, the older I get the less I like winter. He wrote back agreeing with the weather and segued into “What are you looking for in this relationship?” I wrote back one word, “Relationship?” That must have stumped him because he didn’t write back right away. I sent another, “What are we going to be star crossed lovers meeting 2 afternoons a month in the Motel 6? We don’t even know each other’s first names.” He wrote back the standard copy and paste, I said I was looking for a friend with benefits but I really want to emphasize the friends part… (more bullshit) and he ended with “my goal is to not change your relationship or mine.” I wrote back, cheating on our spouses would certainly be a major change in both our relationships.

Wants to emphasize the friends part. In the second email he had us meeting up and fucking in a motel somewhere when he didn’t know my name or what I looked like or more importantly, I’m a man! That’s why I tried ignoring him because he was so predictable.

Anyway. Think about that next time you are sitting on the couch watching CSI:Miami on Thursday night and your husband is on the other side of the room using his phone. There are lots of guys doing the exact same thing.

I keep ignoring him and he keeps asking me how my day was. He also starts at least one sentence in each email with the word “honestly.” I wonder if he “honestly” talks to his wife that way?

Tinder Box! (Three Little Words)

Heart colored pencils

12/9/2020:

We both joined Tinder on the same day and we were the first two people to match up with each other. We knew immediately we would hook up eventually but we had to go through the game of getting each other interested. My family is from Scotland and her family was from Ireland. I quickly started typing in a fake Gaelic accent. I don’t know much about the Gaelic language but I know enough to keep someone LOL’ing. And that is all you have to do most of the time while texting a potential mate; you have to keep them LOL’ing. It’s not as easy as you might think. You can be the funniest person in the world but a simple LOL reply doesn’t give you much inspiration for the next joke. I once saw on Twitter; “People who reply LOL in a text; What do you want from us?” I think about that a lot.

We were both brand new to Tinder. She was trying it out because she was recently divorced and I was trying it out because I am salacious, lecherous and depraved. We hit it off immediately. My opening line was a Gaelic slang because I guessed correctly that it was the Irish countryside in the background of one of her pictures. She was impressed and went along with it.

We talked on the app for a couple hours, mostly to get her comfortable with meeting a stranger for the first time. I could tell she was excited but I didn’t ask for her number right away. When I did it was already 2 in the morning. She said she wanted to call so she could hear my voice. She must have liked it because after a short talk we ended up having phone sex. Then I started trying to get her to come to my place. She lives about 20 minutes away. She said she had to work in a couple hours so it was out of the question but she kept waffling and I couldn’t tell if she was going to make the drive or what. She put me off until the next day, which was Friday. She told me to call her again after she got home from work.

I called her later that night. Neither one of us had gotten much sleep and I think that contributed to more than the usual amount of laughter. I knew she wanted to meet and I kept inviting her to my place but she wouldn’t say yes. I couldn’t figure it out and finally she said she needed to hear those three little words. I thought this bitch must be crazy. She wants me to say, “I love you” before she will fuck me for the first time? Thankfully I was wrong. The three little words were, “I want you!” I said them and she was at my house in less than an hour. I was impressed. She looked exactly like her pictures and was very well dressed in a dress. A dress! I don’t know how she knew but nothing turns me on more than a woman in a dress or skirt.

The dress didn’t stay on long and that is when I found she was quite different than most women I have met. She started having orgasms as soon as I started kissing her on the neck and touching her with my hands. This continued after we made it to the bed. She had orgasm after orgasm. At one point she stopped me and pushed me off her because she said she couldn’t take it anymore. She was exhausted. But after a few minutes of breathing we started again and she started again. I have to admit I felt like big daddy bootknocker but I know I am no super stallion in bed. I wasn’t doing anything special with her. She was just overly sensitive. I know from experience some women don’t orgasm, some women have a few and others have more than a few. She just took it to the extreme. I have never seen anyone like that before or since.

We went on like that for about 6 months. Once a week I would text her on a random night, chat for a bit and she would tell me to say it. Say what I would ask; playing dumb. You know, she would tell me. “I want you”, I would say and boom! She was at my door! She never stopped surprising me with a new dress each time. I don’t know how she had such a collection but I never saw the same one twice. It was exciting.

Like all good affairs of the heart, it had to come to an end eventually. It did. It was a version I have seen before. She started catching feelings and I thought she wanted me to replace her husband. She even invited me to spend the weekend at her house with her and her kids. I don’t know what she was thinking but Tinder is not a meet your friends and family app. It is a hook up app. I told her it was a fantastic time but I think we had to end it.

A few months later I got a text from her around Christmas. I knew she wasn’t just trying to wish me Happy Holidays. Against my better judgement I said it again… “I want you.” She came right over and we picked up where we left off. I gave her time to get home and texted her. I told her we couldn’t go back to where we were. She asked why and I said it was because I would have to tell my new girlfriend what happened and see what she thought about it. I wasn’t lying. I did have a new friend and she was a girl and I did tell her. She didn’t care but I need an excuse to avoid my weakness. She texted back my name and said, —-, it’s okay to say goodbye. I asked her what she meant. She said it again. “It’s okay to say goodbye.” I texted goodbye and that was the last I heard from her. I’m sure neither of us regrets any of it.

She was the first and only woman I met on Tinder. I had deleted the app because it is owned by Facebook and I don’t see why Zuckerberg needs to know who I am fucking. I also completely deleted my Facebook account later so I can’t sign up for Tinder again. It is just as well. It seemed that every time I tried to talk to a woman the app showed was 5 miles away she was actually just driving by and lived 80 miles away. I would talk to them but it wasn’t a feasible relationship.

This was fun to write. I hope it was fun to read. If you made it this far. I think I will schedule it for Sunday.

Seasoned Greetings

Monday

I had to text my daughter this morning and say, “Hey, I can’t buy you that bass for Xmas. I don’t want you to think that’s why I’m asking so many questions.” She said, she knows and it is something she thinks she should do for herself. That sounds like something she would say, but where did she learn it? She wants a Rickenbacker which is a pretty cool guitar. They are expensive though. She wants the one her favorite bass player has but we couldn’t figure out if he has a new one or an old one from watching the videos. I did some investigating and the new ones are better quality and more technologically advanced. For some reason you can get a new one a thousand dollars cheaper. I know the reason. It’s because the old ones are “vintage.” I am trying to tell her the new one is a better guitar. I talked to a person online who has owned both and he told me what he thinks. Plus, they don’t make a new one until someone orders it. I was the same way when I was a kid. I had to have the “vintage” Fender but later in life I bought a cheap knock off that I liked better than the “cool” one. I think she will go with a new one because it is her money she will be spending when she has enough. She said she doesn’t have to get the exact one, she just wants one like his. Anyway, her Christmas present will be a laptop she can use for school. (Don’t tell her I told you!)


I was right to yell at my doctor maniacally last week. He told me to make a phone appointment for Thursday and he would have an answer. Today my case manager suddenly texted me saying she is working on getting a clear answer. That is funny because it is a question she has been pretending I didn’t ask once a month for the past four months. It is the only thing I have asked them for and I asked it directly each time.


Reader Warning!: This may be my longest journal post yet. It is already verbose and I know I am manic. I thought I was but I don’t see many people due to the Covid isolation. When I do see or talk or type to another person I am rambling at a fast pace. You’ll get the idea. It’s only Monday and I am already down to here!

Tuesday

December 8th 2020: Oh no! My daughter’s favorite bass player is in the band Zig Mentality. Their album is called, “THE SESH.” I asked her is she knows what a sesh (Or session) is all about. She said no but her mom says yes. If you don’t know then watch the video called, “SESH ON.” It will show you all you need to know. They are a really good band if you like old fashioned Rock/Punk played by some youngsters.


My grandfather just called me said he got a call from someone saying it was me in jail and wanted him to send money for bail. He’s in his 90’s but still pretty sharp and asked the guy some questions to find out it wasn’t me. He was calling me just to warn me and to be sure. I have never heard of that scam before but he said they also tried it with another of his grandkids. I’ve gotten scam texts from “women” saying if I go to Walmart and buy them a gift card they will come visit me and do whatever I want sexually. I pretend I believe them and waste their time by asking a lot of stupid questions they can’t answer. Then when I get bored I tell them to fuck off!


Talk about synchronicity. I haven’t had to skip a song on my iPod in two days. (About 6 hours) Every song is good. My iPod is very old. If I skip a song like Alice in Chains because the song is too depressing for the day, it will think, maybe he wants to hear every song on this album in the next two hours.

Wednesday

December 9th 2020: My brother just got mad at my poor mother for spending an extra dollar on Clorox bleach instead of the cheaper bleach. She uses it to clean his shit caked tighty whities! Believe me, I’m not talking about a little racing stripe. He looks like he did a 7 day no wipe challenge! I saw them last Christmas when I was there. Right in the doorway to his room. Like, good morning! Merry Christmas! Look at my feces covered underwear turned inside out on my bedroom floor! I don’t know what he was saving them for? I would be hiding those things in a garbage bag and throwing them outside in the barrel. I would be embarrassed. Apparently they think it is some kind of joke. It made me want to choke! Thinking about it now makes me gag a little.

My brother can’t control my life now that I don’t live with him anymore. With me he did it through investigating my computer and phone and taking actions based on what he saw. With my mom it is financial control. Even when it comes to her own money. She does the shopping and he wants her to go to two different stores to make sure she doesn’t spend extra on any one item. She told me if she buys something for herself she hides the receipts and has to conceal the item in the trunk of her car until he is out of the house! She doesn’t buy things for herself. She buys little gifts for my daughter, her brothers, etc… I’m talking about a small handful of dollars and it’s her money! WTF?

Now that I am gone he can’t investigate me so he is terrorizing my mom. He is quite frugal but that is not the reason for this abuse. It is the control issue. He gets off on having control. He masturbates to it before he goes to sleep. And I’m the crazy one in the family!? It is no small wonder I don’t want to go there for the holidays. This year I have the Covid excuse. I don’t have to visit.

To finish, he is so extreme in his cheapness, he has not even bought a Christmas or birthday card for my daughter in her life. I’m not expecting him to buy her expensive gifts, but wtf? It is his only niece and I won’t have any more children. He won’t have any kids because he is afraid of women. Not once when I still lived with him or since I left has he asked how she is doing. It’s like she doesn’t exist. He is a total piece of shit. That is the end of my rant. I could go on and in fact I did in an earlier blog post. I just don’t want to go back and read it again. This is what I think of when I think of my family during the holiday season. My mom gets upset when I refuse an invitation to thanksgiving but fuck it. I’m not spending four days with that asshole. He is completely spurious! In all definitions. Bastard!


I am definitely picking up the pace. I just wrote a blog post for later this morning (Wed.) and another I scheduled for Sunday. (Probably tomorrow. Stay tuned, it is a good one.)

Thursday

When I went on POF after Thanksgiving weekend I sent out a few messages and only got a couple returned. One was a woman who lives in the next state over. It was 3am Sunday so I asked her, “what are you doing up so late on a school night?”. We texted for a little and then she asked if she could call me because she wanted to hear my voice. That is very unusual for someone 35 and under so I said yes. She called me and she liked my voice. We talked for a while and she told me to text her when I woke up and we would set something up. I texted her the next day and got a text back from her saying she is in the middle of a family emergency and couldn’t talk. I really thought it was strange someone in the middle of a family emergency would take the time to text that to some stranger she met online the night before. I figured she was blowing me off so I didn’t save her to my contacts. The next Sunday I got a text from 207 area code and all it said was, “My mom died.” I thought someone was pulling a scam on me cause I couldn’t remember who had a 207 area code. I said, “I’m sorry to hear that.” And she kept texting me and luckily it clicked in my slow brain who she was. She lives like an hour north. We talked about her mom and how we both had people in our families who were married for 40 years and died almost exactly a year apart. Then she changed the subject to sex and asked if I still wanted to hook up, she needed a “distraction.” Then she asked me where I live and I told her and never heard from her again. I guess I live to far away. I deleted her number from my text list but I will always remember where 207 is from. She has Monday’s off so I am waiting to see what happens this Sunday. I’m still not going on that dating site probably for another 6 months when I forget how terrible it is.

Friday

The two guys I used to drive down to the job with loved Howard Stern. It was horrible. His microphone was louder than the other people in the studio so they would crank the radio to hear them all. I would be lying in the back seat of the crew cab with the speaker pounding right next to my fucking head! Nothing they said was funny.

Book Review?

When I started this blog thing I was excited because I was able to concentrate long enough to read and write again. That is why I started doing a book review every week or two. I haven’t done one in a long time because I am back to only being able to concentrate on reading or listening to a couple paragraphs at a time. It frustrates me because my whole life I was able to read books from cover to cover in no time. Now I get angry at the narrator for using too many examples to prove a point or if reading I keep going back to read again because I am so spaced out and my mind is flying.

I don’t know why I wanted to do it. I don’t think I have convinced anyone to read a book with my layman’s interpretation. I like boiling down the plot and sharing the points I find most interesting. I was also getting lucky with the books I picked. My method is almost random. I scan through titles until something catches my eye and then I will read the blurb on the inside cover if it is a real book or the description of a digital one. Admittedly it is not the best way to commit to reading for 8 hours. Who would have thought a book called, “Think Like A Freak” would actually be a self help book designed to make you more productive at work? I had no idea. I don’t pay much attention to “Bestseller Lists” because I know it is usually the publishing company buying all the first copies which make it a bestseller.

I have gotten pretty lucky picking books at random but recently I hit a lot of self help make you more productive at work books. Why would you want to learn how to make your boss more money? That may be why I have been losing interest so quickly. I also found newer books by some of my favorite (obviously still living) authors. I have a hard time because I am now interested in non-fiction books but that is where the self-help books are gathered. I also don’t like straight up biographies of long dead people. I do like auto biographies of people I know. My favorite still is David Sedaris books which are just edited versions of his daily journals and I find him very interesting.

I put my digital library books on hold for 7 days to give me a break and maybe I will be able to concentrate enough to remember what to write about. I miss reading all the time like I used to do. I spent most of my life reading fiction. Sci-fi, fantasy, horror, then suddenly I lost interest and started reading non-fiction, mostly sciences. Subjects I have always been interested in but never sought out.

That’s the end of this fantastic book review. My recommendation is to read whatever you like. You obviously like to read if you are following blogs on here.

Infidelity

Heart colored pencils

First off, I’ve never messed with a married woman. I was cheated on badly by someone I thought we were both in true love. I have talked to married women to see what they were thinking but that’s it. Last night a married woman contacted me even though I gave no hint I was looking for a married woman. The second reason I won’t fool around with a married woman is they want way more from a man than a single woman wants. She didn’t tell me she was married until a few text messages in. I think that is something you would make clear right away. But sure enough, she started telling me what she was looking for. “I want butterflies, I want to feel weak in the knees, a real connection, I want, can’t wait to hear from him, etc…” Verbatim from other married women I’ve talked to online. They are looking to relive the time when they first met their husband 25 years ago.

I told her I didn’t think I was the man she was looking for but she must have ignored it. We only texted for a couple hours last night but she already sounded like she was getting attached to me. She’s telling me what a nice guy I am for not wanting to get involved in someone’s marriage and then she is trying to talk me into getting involved in her marriage.

Last night she told me to sleep on it and if I like the idea text her today. That sounded easy. I woke up this morning and didn’t text her. Game over, right? Oh no… She texted me in the afternoon just to ask if I was having a nice day. Then again to ask if I thought about it. I waited a couple hours because I thought if I didn’t text her first that meant I wasn’t interested. She texted me again so I decided to start fucking with her. I made up a half fact/half fiction backstory with a fake job and fake schedule and went with it. She is ready to start cheating on her husband after just a couple hours of texting. She has no idea who I am. She’s got it all planned out; when we will meet, where we will meet, how often we would meet. If I was a scumbag I would have it made in the shade.

From what I’ve seen online, married people want to cheat with other married people. Because of what I call mutually assured destruction. The implication that if you ruin my marriage I will ruin yours, so watch out!

I was wondering when I would tell her I chickened out but I guess I don’t have to do that now. She asked me if I live in Manchester and I said no, on the Seacoast. She didn’t text back. Maybe she had me confused with some other guy because I wasn’t hiding where I live. She said she contacted more than just me.

That’s funny. After we “discovered” our schedules lined up and it would be workable, she said, “… maybe it was meant to be, lol” Maybe it wasn’t meant to be, lol!

I wouldn’t have fucked with her but I told her I wasn’t the guy directly after she told me she was married and what she wanted. She was ready to fuck up her marriage and family life over a few text messages with a guy who could manage not sounding like a pig for 2 hours. No wonder all these horny married men prey on lonely housewives. I can see why Ashley Madison is such big business!

Update: She texted back she lives 2 hours away but said that would not be too far to travel for the right man! She sent me pictures. She doesn’t look like she would have any trouble finding a man who lives closer to her. Is she trying to catfish me? Why wouldn’t she catfish another “lonely” married man? I’m single. I don’t care. I’m done talking to her.

Thankful

Monday

I spent yesterday with my daughter. She thrashes on the bass guitar more than ever! Ever since she was able to think for herself she always had a definite idea of how things should work. It is no different now. She says the bass should drive the song because it “makes the most NOISE!” Times are crazy. After all the advancements in technology she is now going down to the comic book store in Boston to buy vinyl records. WTF? I used to do that when I was her age. I don’t care. Whatever makes her happy. She is already dreaming of a multi thousand dollar guitar collection. She’s going to have to start saving her Christmas money!

Tuesday

Sometimes I wish I could just snap in front of people. Just start screaming how I really feel! People get snapshots of me. I can hold a conversation for half an hour so I must be fine. They don’t know what I do to get through the other twenty three and a half hours of the day. It’s fucking outrageous! I’m screaming like a fucking Silverback Gorilla while I sit here trying to type this bullshit! But no; I was trained to be stoic outside the house. To think before I speak out; To never let my feelings leak out. I found some synonyms for stoic. agreeable, amenable, compliant, conformist, docile, law-abiding, obedient, placable, subordinate, willing. Those all fit when I am face to face with an authority figure. Then I hate myself for it when I am alone! I am the opposite of all those when I am alone. Because of this people try to walk all over me. They think I am stupid for not calling them on their bullshit. Most times it is inconsequential. If I can I will sever the relationship. But now my doctor, case manager and therapist have been pushing me off by lying to me for the past few months. They are so obvious they must think I’m obtuse. The problem is they are bad liars and I had time on my side. I had time to gather information. Now time is running out for them. I’m starting with my doctor on Thursday. He is the most senior and “honest.” I only talk to him on the phone for two minutes every three months but this will be perfect timing. He is going to spend more than two minutes listening to me go off!

I caught them through my case manager. She won’t lie to me. She can only edit the truth. I backed her into a corner with questions and the best she can come up with now is a lame, I’ll check my notes. But she never remembers to do it.

Wednesday

I know by the title of this post that it’s supposed to be about why I am thankful. I got angry and sidetracked yesterday. I’m happy about my circumstances. I’ve got a place to live. I wasn’t living outside in the freezing rain we had all week. I’ve got enough to eat. I’m in perfect health. (Physically) I would give it all up for my daughter. She is a miracle. She has always been the best kid. Starting when she was a baby sleeping through the night. Seriously. She slept so good we had to ask the doctor what to do. They said we should wake her up to feed her. At a very young age she had definitive ideas about right and wrong. We tried to instill it in her but she always had a strong moral compass she developed on her own. We couldn’t have asked for a better kid. Her mom says the same thing. She doesn’t say it about the twin half brothers. They were terrors as toddlers. They have settled down now and they are good kids too. I have a deep sadness I can’t be a part of her everyday family life but I am happy I get to see her each week and have a good relationship with her.

When I was still in the hospital after almost dying some old nurse broad who found AA tried to tell me different. She was preying on my weakness while I lay in the hospital bed. She said I have to find something in life more important than my daughter because something could happen to her. I don’t know what they taught this bitch in AA but if something happened to my daughter I really wouldn’t care about myself. I know the nurse was trying to get me into the “higher power” But she was talking about god. I know they say your higher power can be anything you want it to be. Some idiot even told me my higher power could be the chair I was sitting in. If that is true then why can’t my higher power be my daughter? Why was this woman trying to scare me with the idea of my daughter dying before I do? Would she rather see my girl die instead of me drinking? What color is the sky in her world?

Friday

I yelled at my doctor for about a half hour last night. He says I’m manic and wants to call again in a week. WTF? I suppose I could have been calmer. I didn’t want to be calm. I wanted him to listen to everything I had to say. He said he will try to find an answer to my question by next week. I’m not sure if I wanted him to do that but it may help.

My Uber driver accepted and then cancelled my ride last week when I was at my daughter’s house. They gave me a ride home so I wasn’t stuck there. I’m just wary about being stranded somewhere because there are no drivers in my area. The app sent all the driver’s info to my phone and said he would be there in 10 minutes. He wasn’t going to have to go far out of his way. My drive is short so maybe he thought he wouldn’t make much money but I give the highest tip.

We are getting snow tomorrow so I think I am going to try to see my daughter on Sunday. I really hope the drivers don’t move out of the area for the winter. I found out I have a 5 star rating so that can’t be the reason my driver cancelled. I don’t live in a bad part of town. It’s a mystery.

Saturday

It’s a cold, rainy Saturday. I am thankful I’m just getting rain here on the coast. My mom is getting snow an hour north. Ooooo… I hate snow! I am thankful I am sitting in here nice and toasty warm. I am happy I will see my daughter tomorrow and she still loves me. Her twin half brothers love me. My ex and her new husband tolerate me (No, they like me ;)) And don’t forget the animals. Four dogs and two cats. Willa, Kipper, Roxanne, Bradley, Mabel and Slim Shady. Those are the animals, not the kids. It gets pretty crazy over there! A lot more exciting than staying home with my cat.

Explicit Lyrics

Sunday

I was on the formal dating site for about an hour today for the first time since last summer. I read a few profiles and replied to three. I got one answer. She lives about ten minutes away. I told her my pictures were out of date and I haven’t shaved since Halloween. She asked me my feelings on manscaping so I went with it and said it makes a difference if someone is going to be near you. She pulled the COVID response and said she hasn’t had to shave her legs in six months! I wanted to write back bullshit, nobody is on a dating site hitting up strangers on Sunday afternoon because they want to get to know you very well online for the next twelve months. But I left it alone and came on here to write instead.

I wanted to get drunk last night. I wasn’t planning on starting small and working my way up. I already pictured buying enough alcohol so I could drink all night. It started at my daughter’s house. It happened early for me. Being there in a house full of people and knowing I will come home to my cat. It’s an old trigger for me but it usually doesn’t happen until I’m home. I haven’t had it that strong in a long time. I was at her house using the thought of drinking for relief from how bad I felt.

While I was home talking myself out of it I got saved by a text asking if I was home and did I want her to come over. I was like, Hell yeah! To myself and said yes! I don’t know why I was online today. I’ve been pretty whack all month. Maybe it’s the Novembeard. It itches like hell!

Monday

I’m diagnosed with “alcohol use disorder” but I’m not being treated for it. Nobody is going to ask me how I’m going to cope with a four day holiday sitting home alone. I could go on a four day rolling drunk and nobody would know about it but me. I could have done that at any time. All these months rarely seeing another person. WTF?

I’m glad I was only on the dating site for an hour. It was pretty funny seeing a lot of the same people still on there since the last time I was, six months ago. They are chronic chatters. They only want to talk through the dating app because they all have it on their phones. They don’t want to give their number and forget about meeting them. I’m all for meeting someone right off. You can tell if you like someone five minutes into a cup of coffee. It doesn’t matter what you said to each other online before you met. The more you talk online the bigger image you have built up of the other person and it never matches reality. Just meet for coffee and if you are still there talking to each other after the XL coffee is gone then you know you like each other.

Tuesday

If a woman from a dating site does give me her number, I usually get the hypertexters. From good morning to good night. They want to text all the time but only when they are with their kids and therefore unavailable. They get a babysitter and go out partying, I don’t hear my phone beep once.


My favorite is my therapist; she is always telling me, don’t hesitate to call if something comes up before we meet again. The only problem is that after 5 years I still only have her office phone number which always goes to voicemail. I called her once when I was freaking out and suicidal. She mentioned it a few weeks later. I can understand not giving out her personal number. I don’t expect that but maybe a generic email address might help? She emails people all the time while I’m sitting with her.

Wednesday

Heading into the 4 day weekend without my anxiety meds because someone screwed up the appointment and I didn’t realize I was out of refills. I called yesterday when I found out but I had to talk to a machine and they wanted a lot of info left in the voicemail. I couldn’t remember any of it but at least I gave my name and phone number. It said give them 24-48 hours to get to it. What are the chances it will be ready on the short day before a holiday weekend?

Kl and alcohol are the only substances that can kill you if you suddenly STOP taking them. You can have a seizure and die. They both work on the same area of the brain. That is why they give you bens when you are going through alcohol withdrawal. What is a person diagnosed with “alcohol use disorder” going to do when he runs out of bens? Who am I going to call about that one? Still no one has said a word about if I am going to drink anyway just because it is a traditional drinking holiday. Fucking cunts! They don’t give a fuck, they just want to get home to their families. It only takes a click of the mouse for my Dr. to refill me but I don’t think anyone will listen to the voicemail until Monday. Whatever.

They all got together as a team to diagnose me with “alcohol use disorder” but not one of them has mentioned it until the day my therapist let it slip to me in a casual conversation. It was the first I had heard of it. Totally ruins any chance I could have of returning to a somewhat normal life. I would even get rejected for hire at Walmart because all they have to do is turn on the computer and read that I am an alcoholic. If they did by some chance hire me, guess who would be put on the frequent “random” piss test list?

Fuckers! Maybe I’ll figure out where to buy some junk and start using that again. Would I get another diagnosis? “junk use disorder?” I never think about drinking when I am high on the junk.

It’s only Wednesday! I’m not telling my therapist anything again. I’ve been telling her I cured myself of “schizo-affective disorder” for the past month. What does that mean in the current terminology? I’m addicted to “schizos?”

Friday

Relax… I skipped yesterday because I didn’t feel like writing on holiday. I didn’t get drunk after all that talking. I did want some “nostalgia” beers. I wanted that good feeling of starting to drink without all that comes with it. I can’t do that like a normal person so I put it out of my head.

I did spend the day alone. It was relaxing. I ate some snacks during the day and later I cooked a big rib eye steak with asparagus and seasoned rice I make from a package. The rice is the best. You tear it open, put it in the microwave for 90 seconds and like magic… Boom! Tasty rice!

Saturday

I went back on the dating site yesterday. It’s POF if you must know. I’ve never used the phone app but you can do some pretty stalker-ish things if you have it on your desktop like I do. For instance, you can hide your profile and just “lurk”, which is what I did most of the day. I did send some messages to women I didn’t want to miss but it didn’t matter they went unread. At night I said fuck it and went full on act like I’m a full fledged member of the site on Friday night. Still very few answers. Which bugged me because I don’t send many messages and when I do they are one timers. I don’t have something I send out to every woman I see. It doesn’t matter; with the effort I put in to crafting a message, I probably receive as many replies as a good looking guy who says the ubiquitous “Hey…” I see so many complaints about.

I did manage to get blocked once. I sent a message to a woman that said, “Oh no, you cut your hair into bangs, I hope everything is okay!” That one got a response right away! She wanted to know what I meant. Apparently she had never heard the running joke about women cutting their bangs after a bad breakup or when they are depressed, etc… I told her I liked her hair. (I did even though I don’t normally like bangs) And told her I wasn’t trying to make fun of her. She blocked me.

Now I have 2 women expecting me to go back onto the site this morning and talk to them and one other woman texted me “Good morning” before I had a chance to wake up and have a good morning. I didn’t drink but I feel like I’ve been up all night drinking like I used to do on nights I spent on there. WTF? I don’t know if I can do the follow through. I’m not looking for a relationship and I never told anyone I was serious about looking. I don’t feel like explaining myself. Besides, I’ve already hidden my profile and signed out for hopefully another 6 months.

If you are going to use a dating site, I would use POF. It is free except to see who liked you which only means they swiped on your pic. You can also pay to see if someone has read your message. (stalker!) Everything else is free and from what I’ve been told you will see all the same people you see on paid sites. So why buy the cow? Right?