Eugenics

Tuesday

The first thing they do when they diagnose you with any strain of psychosis is prescribe you with drugs that make you fat, bald and impotent. They are trying to wipe out your bloodline. I told my doctor I wouldn’t go for it and he tricked me into it. Now he is trying to get me to increase the dosage on the drug. It just clicked yesterday. Since last year I haven’t been able to lose a single pound. I thought of it because of the food I was eating. So I cut out this food, and that food and that food. I’m still fucking gaining weight! It’s the fucking meds! What an asshole. If I went back to a nutritionist they would not be able to explain it. I am basically strict vegan except I eat chicken once a week and I’m still gaining weight. Now my fucking doctor wants to increase the dosage? I don’t think so. That is the end of that. He got me with the teaser… “One of my patients says this really helps with sleep.” That’s great if I want to sleep my fucking life away!

I can’t believe none of them mentioned it may be the cause of my weight loss troubles. I’ve been telling them about it and nobody said a thing. They are supposed to be helping me? It took my ex wife casually asking how it is with weight gain. Then it clicked. Fuck that shit. Last time this happened I was banging my head against the wall. I was going to the gym 3 hours a day, training hard and eating like a dirt farmer. Still gaining weight. Then I stopped taking the med and boom! I lost 30 pounds the first month. I fucking hate these people!

Wednesday

Yeah, I got about an hour of some kind of sleep type thing last night. I don’t care. I’ll go without sleep if I have to for a few days. That’s how he got me. That magic pill to put me to sleep in ten minutes and stay asleep with no disturbing dreams. I didn’t realize I would wake up a year later and be fucking huge.

I’m not doing it any more. I’m so sick of these people saying they are trying to help me. I want to stop all my meds and fuck right off!

Thursday

Oh. You don’t wanna kick this shit. I can’t think. Second day with no sleep. I was in bed and semi conscious but I wouldn’t describe it as sleep. I gave up and made some coffee. I can’t thinks of the words to say how I feel right now but it’s not pleasant.

Friday

I can’t believe he gave me another fucking diabetes pill. I’m eating like I’m training for the Olympics and my belly looks like I’m pounding a case of beer every day. And stupid me, I’m thinking, maybe eating chicken twice a week is too much. Should I stop buying apples? I eat a lot of apples. Maybe that is why I’m still gaining weight. He got me because for years I refused to change any of my meds.Specifically because I had my side effects under control. Ugh… I’m so stupid. Why was he so determined to get me on another med? I told him no every time I saw him. WTF?

I’m still withdrawing. Last night I slept twice for about 2 hours each. Both times I woke up in confusion with high anxiety. It took me a few minutes to figure out how I got there. Even though I’ve been spending all my free time in bed trying to fall asleep. I wake up and don’t know where I am. I still don’t feel “right.” I don’t remember anything about it but when I opened my eyes it didn’t feel like a real sleep. I was tired this morning for the first time in forever.

Don’t worry. I’m not quitting my only anti psychotic med. I’ve been on another for years and I’m still taking it now. I never had to detox from one like this before. I knew it would be trouble because of how I felt on the nights I missed a dose. That is another reason I wanted to quit. But what would you trade for a guaranteed 4-6 hours of uninterrupted, dreamless sleep every night?

It’s Friday night and I’m coming down hard. How can they prescribe this shit to someone? What was the endgame? Stay on it for the rest of my life which would be short and horrible from the diabetes it causes? There can’t be a plan to come off or it. There are no smaller doses to taper. I was fine this morning but now I just want to die. I thought I was on the last day.

Saturday

I had the same kind of 2 hour naps again last night. I feel like it’s over but that’s what I thought yesterday morning. My voracious appetite went away on the first day. That is a good thing. I used to want to stuff my face every waking moment. Now I am wondering if all the food I bought yesterday is just going to rot in my fridge. Something unexpected happened. On the first day my jaw unclenched. I had been grinding my teeth for months and didn’t know why. It was so bad that when I did body scans I would just skip over the part where they tell you to relax your jaw. My jimmy legs went away. They were so tight I was always involuntarily bouncing them up and down. I stopped making weird faces I couldn’t control. These are all things I was so used to I didn’t notice until it suddenly stopped. Oh yeah, I stopped freaking out and screaming at shit for the first 4 hours of every morning. I thought that would be the opposite. I was so angry every day. Raging mad.

It is a powerful drug. I can feel how it changed my brain. That is what first had me wanting to quit a few weeks ago. I was addicted to the sleep. I was also addicted to the drug. It is the only medication I have ever taken where I couldn’t miss one dose. Falling asleep without it was a nightmare. I would wake up an hour later and run for the pill. I still can’t sleep.

Afternoon: For some reason I feel better in the mornings. Now my anxiety is sky high. My chest muscles are so constricted it is hard to get air into my lungs. My jaw is still relaxed though. I caught myself breathing through my mouth without trying. The emotional downturns have started. They get worse as the day goes on. I’m supposed to see my daughter tomorrow. I have a feeling I’m not going to suddenly be all better by then.

Sunday

My cat knows when I am hurting bad. He plasters himself next to me and purrs very loudly. It helps but it is very unusual for him. He doesn’t like to cuddle and he never purrs. For the longest time I thought I owned the only cat that didn’t purr. He normally stays exactly an arms length from me. He likes me to reach out and pet him with one hand but none of that picking him up and hugging him shit. He hates that. But when I am lying in bed freaking out he is stuck right to me. Only when I am at my worst though. He won’t waste it on a simple anxiety attack.

Still no sleep. I hope I don’t melt down at my daughter’s today. I am pretty good at holding it together in front of other people. As long as it is only a day or so. I knew this would be rough. That is why I started at the beginning of the week. I thought I would be back to normal in three days at the most. I had no idea I would still be a total mess today, when I am going to see my daughter.

Should I call my doctor and ask him how long the withdrawal lasts on this fucked up medication he was pushing on me? Every time I saw him for years, I made it clear I didn’t want to change my meds. I finally had a combo that helped somewhat with minimal side effects. He finally got me with the promise of sleep. At first all it did was make me sleep and I didn’t notice any other changes. No, the fucked up side effects didn’t start until months later. That’s why I never made the connection between the new med and all the new problems. He’s lucky I didn’t stop all my medications. That is what I used to do. Then it turns into a total shit show!

Junk Food Monkeys

Being Human: Life Lessons from The Frontiers of Science.By Robert Sopolsky.

I found this book on Great Courses Audio series on my library reader. It was an easy listen, each lecture was 30 minutes. Great Courses Series can be found for free on the Hoopla website or app with a library card.

Lecture 1: What makes us so special? You can take a neurotransmitter out of a rodent brain and put it in a human brain to get the same effect.

Lecture 2: Junk Food Monkeys. Apes will quickly adapt to a Western diet and sedentary lifestyle if given the opportunity.

Lecture 3: The burden of being burden free. What is stressing you out? Some people seemingly stress free have high amounts of stress hormones in their bodies.

Lecture 4: The herpes virus can detect stress hormones in the body which leads to a suppressed immune system and that is when it can break out. There are stranger things in this lesson. Some viruses can change the behavior of the host in order to get transmitted. For example when a dog is rabid it is more aggressive and more likely to bite something or someone.

Lecture 5: Poverty’s Remains. Poor people’s bodies were more likely to end up in a medical school being dissected and the consequences through the years.

Lecture 6: Why are Dreams Dreamlike? Fruit flies and earthworms need to sleep. Predators sleep more than prey animals. Birds sleep with half their brains while flying. Oh yeah, lots on the mechanics of what happens in your brain while sleeping.

Lecture 7: The Pleasures and Pains of “Maybe”. Baboons and unrequited love. Dopamine isn’t the response to the reward, it’s about the anticipation of the reward. That fuels addiction.

Lecture 8: How the Other Half Heals. Want healthier outcomes? Try not being born poor. Get more comfort and love.

Lecture 9: Why We Want the Bodies Back. Why do we want to see the bodies after they die? 9/11 and other disasters. Why will we risk our lives for it? Weddings for dead people.

Lecture 10: Anatomy of a Bad Mood. What happens when there is a bear in the room with you? Fake it till you make it!

Lecture 11: This is Your Brain on Metaphors. It’s a Chutes and Ladders type life. The garden of children. (Kindergarten) The end of human exceptionalism. Empathy explained.

Lecture 12: Sushi and Middle Age. Familiarity breeds familiarity. Closing windows on novelty.

It Takes One to Know One

Monday: I never believed in manifestation or the law of attraction or any of that other bullshit. There have been a lot of times in my life where I thought the universe was aligned with me and giving me everything I needed. It hasn’t been working that way for quite a while. A couple months ago I gave up looking for a new partner. I didn’t want to do it any of the ways I had before but I was stuck wondering how to do it. I just hit pause. But I was still thinking about it. I have sex with a girl I am perfectly happy with except I barely see her.

I accidentally watched the beginning of one of those manifestation videos. It wasn’t clearly labeled. The same night a woman from forever ago texted me in the middle of the night. The coincidence added to the excitement. I wasn’t thinking valentine was coming up. I don’t think of it as a holiday. I’ve had people I barely know look me up before Thanksgiving or Christmas. Then I remembered why we hadn’t talked in years. We didn’t click.

I only actually met with one person who did that one year.
Don’t fucking look up to me! You got ten minutes to live: what are you gonna do next?

Thursday

I can’t write about shit. I’ve been trying to listen to a series of lectures. They are very interesting but I can’t follow along. My sensory system has been overloaded all week. Coincidentally that is what the lectures touch on.

Friday

I wanted to listen and write about those lectures on audio but I still can’t even listen to them. I like they are only 30 minutes long but that is too much for me right now. I am pretty sure this will be the only thing I post this week. I have a YouTube video to publish also. It should be easy. I finished it 2 weeks ago before I lost my mind. My first one got 1 view, which is pretty good considering I didn’t tell anyone how to find it. I’m trying to do a series of meditations for people who don’t like meditating but want to meditate. (like me) I got the idea from watching other YouTube meditation videos while desperately trying to relax. Few of them worked. I listened to a lot of them. Most of them are the same and useless. I did write down what worked for me and I will use that as a starting point.

I was supposed to go see my daughter Wednesday but I screwed up the night before. I fell asleep for about an hour and when I woke up I was completely confused as to where and when I was. Once I realized what was going on (or so I thought) I got up to make morning coffee. It was morning alright! 2 in the morning! I didn’t know until I had finished a cup of coffee. Obviously I had to take my night meds and go back to bed, right? (Wrong!) I couldn’t decide if it was too early to drink coffee or too late to take my meds. I tried drinking coffee all night and I was a mess by the time I should have seen my daughter. I had to cancel. (Still no sleep that day) I feel bad because I rarely cancel on her. She has been canceling on me a lot lately. Maybe she wanted to again and I just made it easier for her. I haven’t seen her in about a month. At first I was taking it personally but she is 15 and doesn’t need her old man of a dad hanging around all the time. It’s difficult. 16 years went by so fast. I know that sounds cliche but it really does feel like last week she was a little peanut who fit in the palm of my hand!

I think this is the most I’ve written all week. Nobody says I have to post every week. I say that. I started out 3 times a week and soon when to twice a week. I would like to keep it at least twice a week. I still have a host of ideas on my Windows Sticky Notes on my desktop but it is so daunting to look at right now. I still have 1 planned for Sunday but I have to make myself sit down and write. If I can get started it will be easy. 20 minutes tops. It is another true story so it should roll off my fingers.

(Oh yeah) I finally shaved that nasty beard I have been growing since last Halloween. I bought my first selfie stick to get an honest assessment on how it looked. OMG! I can’t believe I was walking around like that. I didn’t know. (people were telling me I looked good) I think I looked like I was 70 years old. I took a before picture and immediately shaved my face. Then I took an after picture and sent it to my daughter and her mom. My daughter didn’t notice I shaved and asked me why I owned a selfie stick? I don’t know why but I look better in my bathroom mirror somehow. Once I saw the picture on my camera I was horrified. That is the longest length of time I have gone with facial hair and it was only 4 months.

I’m doing pretty well this morning. It is taking a concerted effort to keep myself calm and write all of this. I am going to see my daughter tomorrow whether she likes it or not. It has been too long for me. I will just show up at her house and hang with the dogs if I have to do that.

Miscreant

I accidentally posted the story that goes with this yesterday. (Friday)

Monday: I bought two bottles of Merlot Saturday night. Not to be classy; because it has more alcohol than white wine. It didn’t have anything to do with Valentine’s Day. I knew it would stop the voices in my head telling me to kill myself. A little background on Saturday. I woke up very early so I would have time to get in shape to see my daughter. When I finally texted her I was coming over soon she texted back asking if we could skip this week. Her not wanting to see me turned my head upside down but it’s not why I was suicidal. In a few weeks is the anniversary of when my mother in law died. That story is a whole different traumatic blog post if I choose to write about it. The crux of the story is it was gruesome and we both found her body and I still blame myself for her death. Every once in a while I start reliving the day over and over and I can’t stop crying and I hear command voices. I also feel like I deserve to die because I feel responsible. It started in the afternoon. I started thinking about it and picturing everything we saw that day and putting together what happened to her. I can’t stop myself from going over and over it in my mind.

The funny thing was, I gave myself until 9pm for it to stop and if it didn’t then I was going to get drunk. That would stop it temporarily but I knew it would come back worse Sunday morning with a hangover on top of it. I didn’t care, I just wanted a break from it. It is horrible. I only made it until 8pm before I bundled up (12 degrees) and trudged to the store next door. By the time I got there the inside of my mask was filled with crying snot. I couldn’t stop. I pulled the mask up right under my eyes to hide it and bought the bottles of wine as quickly as I could. I must have looked a mess. That was the funny part. I was planning on killing myself but I was still trying to avoid drinking. Like my almost 1 year streak of being sober was important if I was dead. It didn’t help that my doctor had changed my dosages and the pharmacy filled both of them anyway. So I have 12 months worth of deadly pills I have no use for except to suicide.

I was right. The next day was worse but all I could do was lie in bed crying and thinking about it. I wasn’t hearing anymore voices though. I waited a couple hours for the alcohol to get out of my system and took my night meds and slept through the afternoon. When I woke up again I was able to feed myself and I felt a little better (relatively) It’s been 16 years since she died and I still have this guilt. I can’t let it go.

My cat knows when I am feeling bad. Saturday night and Sunday he was right up next to me in the meatloaf position. He wouldn’t leave my side. He followed me from room to room and stayed as close as possible. I rewarded him by over petting him until he started purring. He rarely purrs. I gave him some treats. Today he knows I am doing better so he has been ignoring me as usual. I do feel better today. I still have the sadness and there is a pain in my chest.

I wanted to tell N__ about it but she isn’t responsible for me anymore. I also didn’t want to ruin her day. She still has it like I do but worse. It is her mom.

It’s later at night now. I feel like Saturday again. I can’t get drunk again. It would just be an endless cycle. I have to do this until it runs it’s course. My torso is hurting. It is tight I can’t draw a breath. G just texted, how am I doing? I can’t answer. We have never had a serious conversation since I’ve known her. I don’t think I want to start by telling her I want to die. It’s the first time I’ve heard from her since Friday. Today I have been thinking I have nobody to contact and now the last person I want to contact, contacts me. Do I ghost her completely? I can’t do a fake convo tonight with anyone. It’s taking all my effort to write this. I sit and think and write and sit and think and write. I made a green tea with ginger because it is such a shock to the system. So hot and astringent. Takes my mind off things for a second with each sip.Then I will chew the ginger. My cat is getting payback. He crawled under my arm for an hour and still didn’t move when I got up. He is still in the same position when I go in there.

Wednesday

I think I’m going to write about it but probably not today. Probably Thursday. (tomorrow)

Friday

I couldn’t write about my mother in law yesterday. I wrote and published the story today. It doesn’t matter if anyone sees it. It was for me to sort things out in my head.

Saturday

I am going to see my daughter tomorrow. I will have to wake up very early so I can get my head right before I deal with an Uber driver and so I don’t act like a freak at her house. I don’t mind getting up early. I don’t need much sleep. I function very well after 4 hours. I try to go to bed earlier to get more sleep before I see my daughter. I have a lot of anger I need to get out of my system before I can deal. I mostly do it by growl/screaming. I don’t go around punching holes in the walls but sometimes I want to do that. I need to get my adrenaline up to a high level and then crash and it usually calms me down.

I’m excited about seeing her. It has been a few weeks. She has her first real boyfriend and I need to step back and let her enjoy it. I remember I didn’t want my mom around with my girlfriends when I was my daughter’s age.

I uploaded my first video ever to YouTube. It is just a one minute meditation with my cat. I used a free video maker app from the windows store and another app to make the music. I did a voice over but I don’t like the sound of my voice so I got quiet in the second half. I’m not cross posting here but you could probably find it with one search phrase.

What a week it has been. I am feeling better today. I am not reliving the whole horrific scene anymore. I just have flashes. They go away quickly. I had such a hard time because it hasn’t happened for a long while and I wasn’t expecting it. I did answer my friend’s text. I didn’t tell her I was having a bad time because she is basically a stranger. I repeated, Hey, how are you. She said she had been very busy since Saturday. I said, Oh yeah and I haven’t heard from her since. I don’t think it was a good idea to hook up close to Valentine’s Day with someone who just broke up with her boyfriend but I didn’t realize the day was so close.

I follow a lot of journal style posts so I hope to read that everyone’s week was better than mine!

Double Vision

Or, How I killed my mother in law. Okay, I didn’t really kill her. All I did was take a nap. I have two versions of how I remember the day. The first is from my point of view. What I know actually happened. It was Sunday morning and N__ had gone shopping. Her mom was upstairs sleeping and I was bored and a little tired so I went up to take my own nap on the other half of the house. About an hour later I heard N__ scream for me from her mom’s room. I ran down the stairs, across the house and up the other stairs. Her mom was sitting on the floor leaning against the bed, covered in vomit. She was not moving. I flew down the stairs and hit the life alert button. A woman spoke and I yelled to send an ambulance and added, I think she’s already dead! I went back up and N__ had laid her on her back and was giving CPR. I saw her chest lower and for a second I thought she was alive! But it was only N__’s breath leaving her mom’s body. I heard pounding on the outside door and the dogs were freaking out. It was the fire department. It only took them minutes to get there but it was too late. The firemen and the cops said they couldn’t come inside until the dogs were secured. I wrangled them up into our bedroom and let the people in. N__ and I sat downstairs on the couch until they brought her mom down on a gurney covered in a white sheet. We had her cremated so the last thing I remember was her on her back and me thinking she was alive.

That was bad enough but the other version I remember is from my mother in law’s point of view. I deduced it from the little I saw while I was in the room and what the paramedics said.

She was sleeping on her back and threw up. She aspirated. She couldn’t breathe. She pulled herself towards the edge of the bed and fell heavy on the floor. (Which I would have heard if I had been awake.) The coroner tried to make us feel better by telling us she was dead when she hit the floor. I knew better. The brain can live for 4 minutes without oxygen. She sat there for 4 minutes struggling to breathe. Conscious of choking to death. I also saw one thing that crushes me every time it goes through my mind. There was a hand print in vomit a knee level on the wall separating our two bedrooms. That is where she used the last of her energy banging on the wall to get my attention. (Which I also would have heard if I were awake.) Both versions of what I remember haunt me here 16 year later but it is the second version that makes me want to die. I am so full of guilt and dread.

Please don’t tell me it wasn’t my fault, “all you did was take a nap.” People have been telling me that for years. It doesn’t help. I know it’s true. But I know CPR. If I had gotten up there in time I would have saved her life. She was only 54.

Last Saturday it hit me and the movie version of it kept playing through my head. I could see it all again over and over. I was hearing voices telling me to kill myself; I deserve to die. I drank to stop it, but it didn’t work. I couldn’t stop crying. I was wailing. I was embarrassed the neighbors were hearing me but it didn’t stop for 3 days. I’ve calmed down but I still see flashes and my sadness is deep. I have nobody to tell about this. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t help. Everyone says the same thing, “All you did was take a nap.”

Monogamous for the Moment

Heart colored pencils

I met G___ on POF a long time ago when it was still a fun app to use for dating. I was manic and never slept so I was pretty much talking to anyone who would type back. She typed back the most but didn’t seem interested in meeting me. I didn’t care. She was funny. We spent most of the time making fun of all the other people we met through the app. I was messing around with a few women and told her about it. It wasn’t until I was single, single that she wanted to meet me. I knew she wouldn’t just come to hang and bang so I made a bet with her that was designed for me to lose. Don’t get dirty now, the bet was loser pays for lunch. It was just my way of getting her to drive up here and meet me for lunch. I’ve been wracking my brain trying to remember what the bet was because it was hilarious. But I lost and invited her to lunch the next day. We went to a nice place a couple towns over but they had reasonable priced lunches. And it was good food. I remember we talked in person as easily as we typed and texted so that went well. She wanted Starbucks after and we went for a ride. We came back to my apartments and I used the only canned line I use when I think someone is going to say yes. “Want to come up and see how the other half lives? Anyway, it makes me laugh. I knew she was going to say yes. I knew she was promiscuous (no pejorative) but she also wanted monogamy. It didn’t matter if I only broke up with my girlfriend an hour ago, as long as I didn’t have a girlfriend. We hooked up that day and I think one more time. I don’t remember much more than that. Neither of us drank at the time so that is not why I can’t remember. Whatever. She met another guy and had to be monogamous again so we lost touch.

I wouldn’t be writing this at all if she had not texted me last Saturday around midnight asking me what’s up. It had been so long I had taken her out of my contacts so I was lucky she told me her name in the first text. I remembered the whole first paragraph I just wrote when I saw her name so that was good. We chatted for a bit and she asked me if I had a girlfriend. I said I didn’t and then she steered the conversation towards sexting. She doesn’t drink so it’s not like she just got home from the bar and was drunk and horny. And we had never texted sexually before but whatever. I’ve been a raging alcoholic my whole life but I attract women who don’t drink or drink very little. (go figure?) We did all that and then I said I wanted to follow through on what we talked about.

It was my fault. It was exciting getting looked up by someone I barely remembered. She had Friday off so we planned on her coming up to see me and I thought about it all week. Then she got in here and my memory had filled in a lot of holes faultily. She wasn’t the person I thought I knew. I wanted to back out but we had talked it up for 5 days. I don’t know what to do. I wasn’t sure what she wanted from me because she told me she just broke up with her boyfriend. The one from earlier in the story. So it was a serious relationship she had going on. I mean I know what she wanted from me. It was just strange to look me up after so long. It was several years longer than I thought. I just felt weird about the whole thing. I wrote about it in my journal post yesterday. I don’t think I’m going to contact her back.

GOAT

Sunday the 7th

I have to admit I am a Patriots fan and I wanted Brady to win tonight. I can’t help it. They sucked for the first half of my life so you can watch them win for the second half. Ha. Really though, my first memories were of watching football and going outside at halftime to pretend we were the players in the snow. Don’t get too far ahead of yourself. I’ve never played “fantasy football.”

Slightly off topic. I got a text from a woman I haven’t heard from in 5 years last night after midnight. She ended up wanting to sext! (go figure) We hooked up a couple of times before we lost touch; because she got serious with another guy. I haven’t talked to her since before my accident. It was a good thing she told me her name in the first text because I didn’t have her in my contacts anymore. I asked her what she would have done if she had the wrong number and another guy pretended to be me? She wants to come over this Friday. Looks like I will have to clean up this dump.

Tuesday

I’m making a concerted effort to clean this place. In my bedroom I found clothes I was wearing in the hospital back in 2017! I took out a large bag of other clothes that didn’t fit me. Some of them never fit me. I don’t know why I was hanging onto them. I even took the blanket of the couch I was using to protect it from the cat. He was trying to tear up the cloth when I bought it. I don’t understand how I can put something somewhere and it will stay there for years. But if I was looking for it, I would never be able to find it. I’ve got some laundry to do. I don’t think that is going to happen. Right now the cat is on the couch cleaning himself and will leave hair all over it. Great!

Wednesday

I’ve made a couple videos in the Windows 10 Video Editor. They are less than 5 minutes long. One is my cat stalking his water dish in slow motion with some music and the other is me walking around my building in a snowstorm, talking. I added background music to that also. I made my own music from loops available in Bandlab. It was the only application I could find that allowed me to create copyright free music. I still have to figure out if I can add a narration track to one video or if I have to choose between music and voice. I don’t have a microphone yet so it will have to wait.

It is all new to me and caused me a great deal of anxiety. Figuring out the easiest way to download video and music. It was all new to me. I am sure I made some mistakes.

Thursday

All of the apartments in my building are getting new toilets. They are in there doing mine right now. It sounds like they are using a reciprocating saw to cut the bolts. Then they tried to pick it up without disconnecting the water supply. That could have been a disaster but the helper saw it just in time. I could do the work myself but it’s not my responsibility. I hate plumbing anyway. It’s so gross. I would rather sit here and write about it. I don’t think they have replaced them since this place was built 50 years ago! Now it sounds like they are having trouble getting it to sit flat because some of the 1 inch tiles broke. All they need is a plastic shim and it would be fine. I’m not going to say anything. People in construction don’t like to be told what to do.

Friday

Today was one of those times where expectation didn’t live up to reality. It was exciting hearing from someone from 5 years ago who wants to hook up but the texting was better than the meeting. Maybe that’s why we hadn’t talked in 5 years. Maybe longer. My memory held a different idea. I liked talking to her. Having sex was a different story. I was trying to be passionate and I was at first but I quit halfway through. I didn’t just stop. I kept going through with it because we did all that talking last Saturday. I just disconnected. I didn’t want to be there any longer but it was my bed. I had nowhere to go. So I faked an orgasm. A guy can do it. It’s easy. Especially if you are wearing a condom. Nobody knows what is going on down there.

Ironically, now I have a head ache.

Saturday

I just remembered tomorrow is Valentine’s day. I mean I knew about it, but it was abstract. It was sometime in the near future. This year I wanted to do something for my daughter. It’s never been a holiday for us anyway.I remember looking at the date yesterday, the 12th but it didn’t make me think the 14th was 2 days away. I was hoping she would get that vinyl single I ordered for Christmas. They didn’t have any shipping options and sent it snail mail from England with a Covid warning. I gave it a lot of time until I sent them an email saying, yo, I didn’t get my shit. They got back to me but told me to call my local post office and blah…I know it got lost so I just bought it again. But it’s still going to be shipped snail mail with no tracking info. I know the site is legit because it’s the Royal Blood page. It’s not like nobody has ever heard of the band.

I woke up very early this morning. Deliberately. I went to bed early and even set my alarm for 8. (wishful thinking) I was freaking from the moment I got up. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I drank my usual coffee and that was a mistake. I am so agitated. I thought I would try a relax meditation video on YouTube. That didn’t work at all. I tried a several and the first few seconds of each was horror. I stopped and freaked out some more. I’ve been watching meditation videos for the past week. The thing about them is they only work if I am already relaxed. A few times I could catch myself at night time at the right time and I could zone in for an hour. I could make myself super relaxed for a couple hours. Other times, like today I can’t handle more than a couple seconds but I tried it because that is the time I need to do it. Right? It doesn’t work.

I finally went back after trying other ways to distract myself. I accidentally found a yoga video. I’ve never been into yoga but it was the one video in the list that wasn’t one of the stock meditation companies. They put out the same video but change the title each time so they will show up in every keyword search. They always have millions of views. I like watching the people who have 382 views over 3 years. Anyway, this yoga chick has like 8 million views so I guess I am the only person who doesn’t know who she is. I watched the video because there was a big dog sleeping on the floor behind her. I watched the dog through the whole video. He didn’t open his eyes once for 10 minutes. He moved his leg a couple times so I knew he was alive.

Watching that video calmed me down enough to write this.. Calm is a relative term. I am still jacked up. I will be chill enough to go see my daughter this morning. I still have time to get my shit together. There are 4 dogs at her house so that helps. They get over excited when I first walk in and then they just want to hang out and do dog things. Yeah, I gotta start thinking about that. I did do something right. I got up hours earlier than I needed to because I knew I was going to wake up feeling this way. I knew I would need time to calm myself down. Now I have been up for hours but it is actually still early in the morning. I just need to put this on and find one more thing to distract me for a few minutes.

After Hours

Heart colored pencils

She got to my place just after midnight. The first thing she did was ask if she could smoke. There was no smoking allowed in my building but I said yes because I didn’t want her to leave. I slid open the window for her and made an ashtray out of aluminum foil. She stood there nervously flicking the ash in the tray and blowing clouds out the window. All the time asking me questions about myself. We got along well enough that she calmed down and asked me if I minded if she took a shower. I said yes and found her a towel. I made myself at home on the couch. In a few minutes I heard, “Do you mind if I take a bath?” I thought it was a weird request but again I said yes. I was just going with the flow. I turned to go back to the couch and she yelled out to ask if I had any cleaning supplies so she could clean the tub first. I told her where to look, talking through the closed door. Now things were getting strange. I can understand wanting to be in a clean tub but this was hardly the time or the place. Besides, I had only been living there for a month and the whole bathroom had been professionally cleaned before I moved in. I went back to the living room and flipped on the tv, wondering what was up with this chick.

After a half hour I could still hear the tub running and her making noises. I went to the bathroom door and asked if she was okay. She said she was fine, she is just a neat freak. I’m pretty easy going so I went back to the television and the couch.

Now she had been in there for over an hour and I was wondering what the fuck she could be doing in there. I walked down the hall and asked if she was alright in there. I tried the knob but the door was locked. I could still hear the water running and she said she was fine, just taking a bath. Are you sure?, Yes, Okay, Back to the couch.

I waited another half hour and still the same, and then again. Each time she said she was fine she just needed 15 more minutes. I’m wondering who the fuck this person is I met online who came over to lock herself in my bathroom. Now I was getting nervous. What if she never came out?

I waited, wondering what to do next. I kept going back and she had been in there for hours. Finally I told her she had to let me in, I had to use the bathroom myself. She asked for another 15 minutes and this time she let me in. She was fully dressed and the bathroom had been completely scoured from floor to ceiling!

She said, “I did something naughty in there.” and laughed. I said, “What? Used all my bleach?” She said, “No, I was sniffing Addies.” I’m thinking, great, she seemed normal talking online and for the first half hour she was here. But she grabbed me by the hand and pulled me towards the bedroom. We had sex, good sex, while the sun rose. It was the middle of summer so I did the math. She had spent 3 hours cleaning my bathroom. What did she do? Scrub the tile with my toothbrush?

She said she had to leave early because her son was at her mom’s house and she had to pick him up and bring him to school. I wish I could say that was the last time I saw her but in my book that counts as a pretty good night!

A New Resolve

1/31/21: I’m up very early today. I’ve been looking down a lot lately and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m fat. Not everywhere; just in my belly. My arms and legs are skinny and that just makes my middle look bigger. And it’s pretty big. I gained 20 pounds since the lock down last March. That is a big difference for me. I’m 200 now. I’m making a belated New Year’s Resolution. Or maybe I will put it as a challenge to myself like the woman in that book. I am going to lose 20 pounds by my birthday in April! I can do it. I’ve done it quicker before. I lost 10 pounds in a month when I went to ova-lacto vegetarian and I lost faster when I went strict vegan. I am not going to do that this time. I am hooked on 1 roasted chicken from the grocery store each week. I can’t pass it up because it is only 5 bucks and delicious and I get 2 meals from it. I will try it with the chicken the first month and see what happens. I want to get down to 180 lbs. Most of my gain came from eating quick fix calzones from the convenience store. Also bags of corn chips, a lot of peanuts and chocolate. Yum!

I also started exercising a little but I didn’t put much thought into it: I did it more on a whim. My arms were hurting in the mornings when I woke up so I started stretching them. I noticed how atrophied they had gotten. My legs are strong from riding my bicycle all summer but it did nothing for my arms. They just sit there. I saw my old ankle weights on the floor. I got them to do rehab on the leg I broke a few years ago. They weigh five pounds each. I used them to do triceps curls from the back of my neck to far above my head. Then I bent at the waist and hung my arms down. Twisting up to the right and the left to work my obliques. I do each exercise for just a few minutes but can feel it work the muscles. It’s not much weight but I don’t want to bulk up. I just want to be tone.

Monday

Correction: Yesterday I said I weigh 200 lbs. I don’t have a scale and weighed myself at my daughter’s house yesterday. It said 195. Congrats to me but I don’t believe the scale. I look to myself like I weigh more than 200.

I know it sounded like I am going to make a drastic change to my eating habits but it’s not really. I already eat a ton of vegetables and have added some fruits. I only need to cut out the junk I added during the quarantine period. I woke up very early again today so I’ve already had breakfast; 1 cup of cooked lentils, 1 pear and 1 apple. That is normal for me. The fruits have a lot of sugar in them so I think I am going to switch 1 of them to grapefruit next time I shop. It depends on the price. Grapefruit has very little sugar. I am out of tomatoes so I can’t have one for lunch. I will probably eat a head of romaine with soy sauce, sriracha and spices. Dinner will be a plate of wheat pasta and broccoli which I buy frozen. That is a cheap 4 meals. $1 for a pound of pasta and $1.50 for a 1 pound bag of broccoli. For snacks I have baby carrots and radishes. I know, yummo, right? But I like all that stuff. I will probably add another apple in there also. I still see roasted chickens in my future, they are just too delicious.

I know what caused this change in behavior and lifestyle. The voices I hear are no longer negative and telling me I am useless and to hurt myself. That is a relief. Now it is less frequent and encouraging. A few years ago I had a voice I called the “Drill Sergeant”. He was slightly taller than me and followed me everywhere about 4 feet behind. All the while yelling at me to do things. But they were things I had to get done anyway. He was actually helpful. I wish I could get that back again because it came with a hypo-manic/manic episode that lasted about a year.

Anyway, although this is going to start as a crash diet for the first 2 months to see how much weight I can lose, it is not a fad for me. I was eating as a casual vegan for a few years before the pandemic came. Meaning when I was at home I was strict vegan but when I went to a restaurant or someone’s house I ate anything. I’m not morally opposed to meat although I am disgusted by the whole meat industry in the U.S.

I still have to steam a basket of green beans today before they go bad. Do you see? I still eat a ton of vegetables. I can’t buy organic, it would be way too expensive. One thing I can’t make a decision on is the peanuts I eat as a snack. I’ve been eating 2 pounds a week. I can’t help it. I like them as a mindless snack and they are cheap. I will cut to 1 can a week and see how that goes. They have a lot of fat and come on… A serving size is 1 quarter cup? That is just one small handful. I can sit there and eat 10 handfuls. We may have to part ways. I could never control the quantities of foods I eat. That is why I stuff myself with vegetables all day.

Tuesday

I wrote another love story and scheduled it for Sunday.

Wednesday

I cleaned my kitchen. I had to split it up over 2 days. The stove was the worst. It took 2 days but it was only about a half hour of work.

Thursday

Not much going on here today. Yesterday I went to the grocery store and came back with all the same stuff minus the junk food.

Friday

I got off to a great start today! I burned my lentils and set off the fire alarm for the whole building! Somehow it shut off before the firemen got here. There are so many apartments in my building that it happens to someone at least once a month. This time it was me!

I think I’m going to start a YouTube channel for short meditation videos. I already made a clip of my cat circling his water bowl in slow motion and then drinking for a bit. I downloaded the Bandlab music creator because I wanted original music. I got those two put together and now I need to make a voice over track. In the Windows 10 video editor I have to record the track separately. I’m looking at another video editor (Davinci Resolve) where I can record and edit the voice over in the same program. All of these apps are free! Davinci looks a little too complicated for the kind of simple editing I want to do. But I will see how much trouble it is to add a voice over track in Windows. I’ve never made a video for YouTube. My daughter had a channel years ago. She uploaded screen capture of her video game with her talking over it. I need to learn something new.

I’m not going to see my daughter this weekend. Her brother is home from school in quarantine because another kid in his class tested positive. (Her brother tested negative) This is the second time a kid tested positive in 2 months.

The More You Want, The Less You Need

I listened to a book on Minimalism by Cait Flanders called, The Year of Less. I did it because it was short and lightweight. Before I started I thought, here is another rich person getting rid of more stuff than I’ve ever owned. I was correct. Okay, she wasn’t exactly rich but there was something about her expenses that didn’t add up. During her 2 year “No shopping challenge” she was able to live on less than 50% of her income some months. If I lived on 50% of my income I would be homeless. Before she did the no shopping challenge, she challenged herself to pay off her credit card debt. She managed to pay of 30K in 2 years. That is 15K of cash she just had lying around each year. I don’t know how she managed to get into debt in the first place. She also did a weight loss challenge but she is vague about how that worked out.

I did like the book because instead of setting goals for herself she defined them as challenges. It may be semantics but I think it is a good way to keep yourself more motivated if you are competitive. She set specific lengths of time to accomplish each feat. Her first challenge was to quit drinking which she managed with no problem. I think her second challenge was to pay off her debt in 2 years but the main theme of the book was her no shopping for 1 year challenge. During which time she could only purchase items to replace other items that had broken or worn out, such as an old pair of shoes, etc…

She began the challenge Marie Kondo style by getting rid of everything she owned but didn’t need. This is where my assumption was partially correct. She said she got rid of 70% of things she owned. When she went through the list it turned out to be a lot more things than I even own and I need almost everything in my apartment to live a somewhat normal life.

I did like that she learned to spend her money on experiences rather than things. That is what I have done with any extra money I’ve had throughout my life. I’ve never owned anything extravagant. It brings me back to my first question. How could she afford all that travel and still manage to save 30 -50% of her income each month.

Some of you being bloggers may have heard of her before because she dedicated a blog to paying off her debt and the no shopping challenge. I visited her blog but all there was only a page saying she is not blogging anymore. Maybe if I had read her blog before she wrote the book I would understand what her expenses were.

Part of what bothered me about the book was I can’t do the same thing. Any money I have goes to replace clothes I can’t wear anymore. Another thing that irked me was her saying the worst thing to happen in her life was her parents divorce. She was 28 years old when they got divorced for fuck’s sake! I mean, they did more than only stay together for the sake of the kids. The kids were grown ass people. By her age didn’t she realize that most couples do get divorced. I don’t see how it could be as traumatic as she said it was.

I don’t know if I would recommend this book. It’s not like anyone who wants to can’t figure out how to spend less money. You just buy less shit. I guess it could inspire you if you wanted to pose a similar challenge to yourself.

I googled her and found her blog and also she is really pushing her second book so I guess she doesn’t need to worry about spending money now.