My friend from Alaska

Her dating profile said she was from a small town way up north in Alaska. That seemed unlikely but I sent her a message saying, next time I go that way I will look her up. She thought is was funny and we talked for a while. At the end of the night she gave me her email. Not her number but her email. It was no big deal, there was nothing going on between us except for a few jokes. I was manic so I would write long messages to anyone.

I sent her an email but didn’t hear anything back for a month. I wasn’t worried, I was talking to other women. Her responses were long but they barely contained any information about herself. I didn’t think she had much interest but I wrote back to everyone who emails me. I was “just the facts” in the emails I wrote. This went on for over a year. She usually wrote me once a month or even less. Again I would give her basic updates on my life. Even when I was homeless and using the computers at the public library, I told her about it. Just as a matter of fact, not in a “I want to move in with someone” way. Our emails went on like that for over a year but I felt no connection

Everything changed when I got my own place. She started sending longer emails and divulging more personal information. It turns out, she was being so secretive because I lived with my brother previously and she had a young child she was afraid to have strange men meet.

I could understand that but I was surprised she invited herself to my place. I was fine with that because I hadn’t made any new friends since I moved in. She kept stressing she did not want to have sex. I thought it was weird because in all the emails we shared we had never mentioned sex. But she kept saying she didn’t want to have sex leading up to us meeting. She even asked me if I could handle spending the night with a woman without having sex. I told her, I am over 40 I think I can restrain myself.

When she knocked on my door, I knew by her smile that the no sex thing had gone out the window. I invited her in and she bounced in the chair for a few minutes with a huge grin on her face. I thought, cool, I’m getting laid tonight. After only being here for 5 minutes she got up and walked to my bedroom door and asked, is this your bedroom, and disappeared inside. I got up to follow her and 5 minutes later we were having sex.

After it was over I had to tell her this can only be about sex since we just hopped into bed hardly knowing each other. She asked if she could think about it and I told her to take as much time as wanted. She faced the wall for a bit and then turned back to me and said she didn’t think it would be a problem. Little did I know.

She lived fairly close to me before I moved but then she traveled an hour to see me for 3 Saturdays in a row where I live now. After the first time meeting her emails became more expansive and we also started talking on the phone. She told me about her daughter’s ex boyfriend whom she had a restraining order out on. She also told me about her family and how she doesn’t like them because they were all “crazy.”

The 3rd time she came over something changed and creeped me out. You know how you can tell someone is looking at you even before you see them? I woke up in the morning I could feel her staring at me even though I hadn’t opened my eyes. I opened them and looked over to her. She was propped up on one elbow and had googly eyes and a big goofy smile. As soon as I turned in her direction she said, I love it when you look at me, it makes me feel all gushy inside. Oh no, it had happened.

A few days I called her to end it. I said I think one of us cares about the other more than the other way around. She said she was fine with it and then went on with the conversation, even changing the subject to ask me, How my day went. We talked on the phone that night for about a half hour.

I thought she was fine with it, but I was wrong. She had a night to think about it. The next day she sent me the longest rambling, almost incoherent email. At the end of it she said, Don’t tell all your friends I fell in love with you , because I didn’t. I sent back an email saying if she wanted to talk call me on the phone. I wanted her to call me because she was rational on the phone.

She ignored-my suggestion of talking on the phone. Instead, she sent me more bizarre emails every day for a week. At first I read the emails laughing. I was also reading them to see if she was going show up at my place holding a gun.

I talked to my friend and she said to just block her. I had never blocked anyone from my email so I had to google how to do it. That solved my problem for a couple of weeks. Then she figured it out and started sending from different email address with a different name. She called herself Sonja but in newest emails, she was using different names but always the same initials. I’m not sure if I ever knew her real name. One of the emails came from her office computer.Which she had told me before she could never use for personal business. She told me before she couldn’t use her office computer /to email anyone But she did use it to email me After I didn’t’ from her and I thought she was done. Little did I know.

She relented for about a month but then it was Christmas time. She sent me my astrology chart. I didn’t want it but there it was on my computer. I was a little astonished how she knew my astrology chart. I didn’t know how she knew my birthday . Creepy.

When I asked her to stop sending-me crazy emails. She acted like nothing had happened. She blamed her daughter’s boyfriend who she said broke into her house and hacked into her email account. that made no sense to me.

About 4 months later I got the strangest email of them all. It was like it was written by a stranger in the 3rd person telling me about the story of us. And most bizarre was apparently during the time I hadn’t heard from her we were having a “beautiful relationship” through Craigslist personals. I don’t know who she was having a relationship with there but it wasn’t me because I had never talked to anyone through Craigslist.

I don’t know if the whole time was her idea of being in a relationship. It didn’t make any sense to me. All of our emails were so perfunctory. She was sending me emails that didn’t reveal anything about herself and I was just replying to her. There was nothing romantic about any of our writings. I just thought she was bored and looking for a pen pal.

I don’t know how she got so attached through such infrequent, banal emails. It was mostly her not answering any of my questions, instead asking me what I had been doing and me answering with some things I had done. My life wasn’t very exciting at the time.

A Brief Stint

Saturday

I did something bad my one night back on a dating site. Something I never do. I lied about what I do for work. Not to everyone. Just 3 women in particular. Some background. I don’t send messages to just anyone. I have to pick my spots. I have to guess who might be receptive. Knowing most of the time I’m just going to be ignored. Part of that is because in no way do I indicate I’m taking the dating app seriously. When I do send a message I don’t send the same cheesy line to everyone. I usually try to think of a funny question that can’t be answered with a simple yes or no.

I lied on impulse because of something that has happened to me countless times. After I took some time to to write something that would elicit a reply, 3 women answered in the exact same way. “What do you do for a living?” (How much money do you have?) Not “Hi”, Not “haha”, Not even a simple, “lol.” No niceties. Just an immediate, “What do you do for a living?” Excuse me, that is so fucking rude. At least I put in a modicum of effort. I would rather be ignored. I thought, if that is all they care about I am going to see what happens. Instead of saying I’m on disability, I said I do tech support from home. Usually telling a woman I’m on disability is a conversation killer. I can understand but they don’t have to be so fucking rude about it. A long time ago I had a woman tell me I was wasting everyone’s time. Not just her time, everyone’s time. Just for existing.

I’d like to say I was surprised, but what a reception I got after I lied and they thought I made good money. Never before had any of the “What do you do for a living?” people ever shown so much interest in me. Suddenly they wanted to know everything about me. I don’t blame them if I said I was looking for a serious relationship and wanted to wine and dine them and meet their family and all that bullshit. I’m just looking for someone I can spend a little time with, I don’t want to meet their kids and be their step-dad. And I don’t want anyone meeting my daughter.

Those 3 were the longest conversations I had that night. But then I ghosted them. What was I going to do? I wasn’t going to catfish them and meet under false pretenses. It reminded me of everything I hate about dating sites and why I spend so little time on them. The second day I didn’t even sign in. The third day I logged in only to delete my account and that was it. Done.


Sunday

I almost started a fight yesterday, which is very uncharacteristic for me. I was already in a mood as I had to force myself to leave the house to walk to the grocery store. It was a perfect day for a walk but I couldn’t stop cursing out loud to myself as I went down the street.

I was crossing the road and a car came up behind me and hit the horn because he couldn’t wait 2 seconds to get into the cigarette/beer store. I don’t know where he learned to drive but I was going straight and he was turning so I had the right of way. That was no excuse for what happened next, again, I never do this kind of thing.

I spun around and gave him the finger and shouted, “Fuck you!”. He stopped the car, rolled down the window and started to say something. I yelled back, “I will fucking destroy you!” Again he was about to shout back and I went off again, “Step out of the car if you feel like fucking dying today!” He rolled up the window and drove away.

I walked the rest of the way reliving the moment and still swearing to myself. It was a good thing I was wearing a mask at the store because nobody could see me cursing them. People walking the wrong way down clearly marked aisles; wandering in my way. Others who couldn’t figure out the correct way to wear a mask. Either their nose or their mouth was exposed or sometimes both. Idiots!

As I was almost home I was still in a rage and I had decided to drink it away; turn all that anger inward and hate myself the whole next day. Because that is something I do. I get angry and drink to punish other people.

After I got home and put my food away, I felt safer and I started laughing at myself. What was I doing? I wanted to seriously hurt someone only because they beeped their horn at me. I was ready to ruin my entire weekend by getting drunk and deathly hungover or worse spend the night in jail with charges pending.

How silly was I to snap like that? I have a wicked temper but it is usually reserved for people who try to hurt me purposefully. I was ready to kill over a minor transgression I normally would let slide without thinking about. It was just the perfect storm.

Monday

It was my therapist’s idea to lie on the dating site. She didn’t specifically say that but whenever I told her I was having trouble, she told me not to say I was on disability. But when I asked her what I should say she never had a good answer.


I’m sick of people asking me if I’m drinking when something happens. Drinking is the cure not the cause.

Tuesday

I reached out to my case manager yesterday. I told her about not sleeping, not being able to sit still for 2 seconds and threatening to kill some strangers. Her response was, “Are you taking your meds? Have you been drinking?” I told her yes on the meds and no on the drinking. The next thing she said was don’t hesitate to get in touch if I need it. I thought that was what I was doing. I don’t blame her, she’s not a medical professional. She did offer to contact my doctor to see if I needed any changes. I said no, I’m already taking 50 meds, I don’t want any more. I don’t really take 50 meds, but I do take a lot. Every time someone suggests changing my meds I say no. It has taken me years to find the right combo to help me with my symptoms without any major side effects.

Thursday

I woke myself up crying this morning. Made some coffee, it didn’t help. I forced myself to pull it together and go to the store next door. I got a 10am meatball calzone to stuff in my fat face. The carbs and the fat didn’t help. I fell into bed and sounded like the cowardly lion. Then I started hyperventilating. I had to get up and made 2 more cups of coffee. I didn’t really want food and caffeine. I want something real to take away the pain.

I think I skipped my night meds too many times in the past couple weeks. I couldn’t help it, I kept falling asleep at unexpected times. I think it’s why I’ve been doing things on impulse I don’t usually do. Going on the dating site was more embarrassing than getting in a fight. I have so many strikes on a dating site, I’ve been thrown out of the game. Especially at my age where you are expected to be completely serious. I have nothing to bring to a relationship. That is why I’m not trying to get into one.

I put on a YouTube meditation for anxiety. I didn’t really do what they told me. I couldn’t breath deeply when they said. But listening in the background is good. The first one was an hour and now I am in hour 2 of the 2nd one. This one is a 3 hour meditation. I won’t listen that long. It’s a 6 part one but the first one is for deep sleep. How are you supposed to listen to the next 5 if you just put yourself to sleep? It only took me until 1:30 to calm down.

Saturday

I’ve been going since 6am today/yesterday. I hate waking up before I can do anything. I”m trying to get my schedule back but I keep losing it. I can’t figure out why I’m tired one night and wide awake the next.

I biked to see my daughter today. She is doing fine. I get all worried about nothing.

Her mom and her friends were there this afternoon. I can’t understand how they can drink 2 glasses of wine and then just stop. If it was me the bottle would be finished and on to the next one. I wasn’t really bothered. I”m just curious what makes the difference.

I should have tired myself out with all the exercise I got but it’s 2am and I’m wide awake. My brain won’t slow down.

Calypso

“Calypso” by David Sedaris is the latest book I’ve read in text format. I’ve just recently been able to concentrate on reading again so I am lucky it came in at under 300 pages. Sedaris is one of my favorite authors because he is funny and I have kind of grown up with him, reading his books over the last 20 years. He is the only writer I remember who has made me laugh so much I had to put the book down to recover.

When he was just a young gay man with severe symptoms of OCD he was considered extremely odd. Now that he is a successful writer he is just seen as “eccentric”. What makes him such a good writer is he is very observant and is an incessant journal writer. He writes what he knows, which is his own life experiences and spending time with his large family who are also a group of very funny people.

I have a trigger warning. He goes into detail about the circumstances of his sister’s suicide, so if you think you would be bothered by that I would stay away from this book. The funny thing about this sister is the family doesn’t get along with her because she is bipolar and not very nice to them but she doesn’t like her family because she thinks they are all “crazy.” In all his previous books he only wrote one chapter about her and it is one of the funniest.

If you think he sounds interesting I would recommend reading his books in the order they were written as it is just one long journal of his life. You can skip the Squirrel seeks Chipmunk one, it is out of character for him and I didn’t think it made much sense.

I only have one more book to read by him but I have to wait for it to become available for free. I found “Calypso” on Libby, by Overdrive. This is a completely free app that works with your library card.

Dark as Knight

Wispy smoke

I’m traveling through time right now. I wrote this a month ago and scheduled it to post now. (It really is 3am though) I recently started blogging and I haven’t posted much. I’m not sure which direction my blog is going to go. I wanted a chance to let this sit on my brain before I decided if I was going to let you see it or not. Maybe I will be as surprised as you in a month’s time. Two things before I start. Being schizophrenic, I attract other schizophrenics. I’m not sure why. I don’t believe in fate but I am attracted to the idea of synchronicity. Second, if it seems like I have a lot of girlfriends in a short period of time it’s because I’m not always monogamous. But I am upfront about it.

Shortly after I moved down here I became email friends with “Jen.” We didn’t exchange basic information like ages and what we did for work or where we lived. We were both using anonymous email accounts so we didn’t even know each other’s names. I just sent her one of my typical long ass meandering manic emails and to my surprise she replied just as expansively. We told each other deeply intense stories of our lives and found we had a lot in common. A lot.

I thought I had extricated myself from a situation with another woman but she continued to stalk me digitally. I told Jen about it and she assured me she wasn’t the stalking type. We emailed each other probably more than once a day for at least a month. Finally late one night my curiosity got the best of me and I had to find out who I she was. I asked her if she would meet me and by some shocking coincidence we lived only 20 minutes apart.

When she got here I texted her to wait for me to come down and let her in. The door was unlocked so we happened to meet as she was coming out of the elevator on my floor. To my surprise, she was black as the ace of spades. Her skin was so dark her collection of tattoos barely showed up on the background. I say, “to my surprise”, because my state is pretty homogeneous. In fact I would say it is about 99% white. So to meet a black person at random who lived just up the street was quite a feat. It didn’t matter to me. I opened my arms and threw a big hug on her. Months later she told me that was how she knew she would be coming back again.

Jen had told me her boyfriend was emotionally abusive and made her feel she was only good for sex. I told her I would show her she was good for something more than sex. That first night we spent lying in my bed very close together, talking, but I kept my word and didn’t try any moves on her. The next night she came over again and I told her my promise was only good for the first night. She said she didn’t mind and would have let me if I had tried. That night we had Electric Sex.

Sex with Jen was always Electric. It was with her that I first experienced what I call a “brain-gasm”. It was during a long, heated session. I eventually had an orgasm but I didn’t ejaculate. I had to stop and flipped over on my back. I had an extreme buzzing feeling that started in my brain and emanated throughout my entire body. It was impossible to move for at least 15 minutes. Jen had the same experience. I haven’t read much about it but I think it is what they are talking about on the subject of Tantric Sex.

Our 2 year relationship was based mostly on sex. Jen had some very specific rules on that. One of them was she would never spend the night. She felt that was something you only did with your significant other. She did fall asleep almost immediately after sex and I would joke that I must have done it right because I knocked her out. But she always woke up and went home before morning.

She also had specific rules on the men she would date. They had to be white and over 35. Lucky me. She thought younger, black men were assholes. She said it was because she grew up in a very bad neighborhood in New Jersey, which is where her family is from. Speaking of her family, I should mention I was one year older than her dad. It felt a little weird but we had so much in common it was natural.

Jen’s life plan was to be married by the time she was 25 and have kids by the time she was 30. She was 25 when I met her so life wasn’t going according to plan. I told her immediately I had been married once and was never going to do it again and also I had one child that was enough for me. I don’t believe in playing on people’s feelings.

Jen was good for more than just sex. She had written 2 books and designed and made her own clothes. She was also a deep thinker. I liked that about her. Did I mention she was schizo like me? Unlike me, she refused treatment. Well, I guess she was like me as I refused treatment when I was her age.

She had a great job as an executive assistant at Planet Fitness. Not just one gym but working directly for the owners of the whole company. She had trouble there because she would have meltdowns at work and would have to run to the bathroom to cry for extended periods of time. She texted me during one of those times and I asked her if she was starting her period. She said she was surprised and how did I know. I told her it was because after knowing her for so long I noticed a pattern of her meltdowns coming monthly. She had gone to a doctor who wanted to put her on birth control to moderate her periods and make them shorter. She refused that too.

Jen eventually lost her job at Planet Fitness related to the above. They noticed her having problems too and it was interfering with her job. They finally gave her an ultimatum. She either had to go to counseling or she would lose her job. She chose to lose her job. I tried to talk her into going to counseling by telling her she didn’t have to say anything she didn’t feel comfortable with but she would have none of it.

Most of my casual relationships end for no other reason than drifting apart or someone moving too far away to continue. With Jen it was different. We would use Facebook to chat while she was at work almost daily in the mornings. When I cancelled my Facebook account for personal reasons, I didn’t tell anyone I cancelled it. A few days later Jen texted me and asked me if I blocked her and I said I blocked everyone. Even though I was still texting her she really did think I blocked her on Facebook. After that she didn’t want to talk to me and I never saw her again. I guess she took it very personal. She always was very sensitive.

Jen was sensitive. She thought all of her friends secretly hated her. She thought she was evil, even though she would do anything for a friend and was always nice and polite unless she lost her temper. We never got in any fights but she would tell me about it when she did. I found it hard to reconcile her feelings of nobody liking her. I would see pictures on her Facebook page of her out having a good time with her friends but the next day she would tell me nobody wants her around. I think she spent too much time on Facebook seeking validation. That is why she stopped talking to me when she thought I blocked her. I promised I didn’t do that to her but I guess she didn’t believe me.

I met Jen a couple of years after my “Summer of Fun.”

Hello, is there anybody out there?

I recently listened to the audio book, “The Copernicus Complex: Our Cosmic Significance in a Universe of Planets and Probabilities” by Caleb Scharf. If you find yourself interested in this book I would go for the audio version as it is a heavy lift with a 10 hour reading time. The book was written in 2014 which is light years in physics but I am a science nerd and I still heard a lot of facts that were new to me.

Scharf is an astro-physicist and professor of astro-biology at Columbia University. The book is about the possibility of life on other planets. Not UFO’s or little green men. Right now the probability is low because we only know of life occurring on one planet; Earth.

He explains complex concepts in an easily digestible form without dumbing it down. It starts with a brief history of scientific discovery but quickly gets to explaining the title of the book. He is well versed in both the macro and micro universe and uses both to illustrate his points. He describes his ideas in a way that you can easily picture what he is talking about.

In this book he carries you through some mind blowing thought experiments both scientific and philosophical. It is always interesting and I felt focused on the topics all the way through unlike the first audio book I listened to which almost turned me off completely.

One concept he kept returning to was we don’t have to look for the “Goldilocks zone” on other planets to find the perfect circumstances for life to develop. This comes from the various forms of life that have developed in extreme conditions right here on Earth. From complex ecosystems based on sulphur compounds released by hydrothermal vents in the deepest parts of our oceans to organisms living beneath thousands of feet of glacial ice.

I’m also fascinated by the way we can deduce the workings of the distant universe with the scant evidence available to us.

If you have enjoyed books by Hawkings and Tyson then I am sure you will like this one. He does tend to keep you entertained by his ideas rather than his sense of humor though.

Scharf has books that are more recent which I want to read but I am limited to books I can find on the Hoopla, Digital app that works for free with my library card. If you can afford it I would recommend buying other books by him in the same vein.

Further Indiscretions

Saturday

My two girlfriends came over and helped me relieve some stress. I’ve been seeing them about once a month for a year now. I talked them into coming over twice this month because I needed to calm down. I met the older one on a dating site and she brought her younger friend with her. It’s very businesslike. They come over during the day, we talk a little, have sex and they leave. For the longest time I wasn’t sure if they were faking it to make me feel like the man. Today they were talking to each other and said, it doesn’t compare, they can’t do that for themselves at home. Sex is the only safe drug I have and it is better than any other. My brain is buzzing now and my whole mind and body are calm.

The situation with them is fine but I need something else too. Somewhere along the spectrum of today and a real relationship. I know I can’t handle a real relationship. I need to find someone I can hang out with for a night once in a while.

Monday

My case manager texts me on Mondays and calls me on Wednesdays. If I don’t respond then she calls the cops for a “Wellness Check.” That is where they cuff me and stuff me and bring me to the psych ward. They don’t care if all the neighbors in my large apartment complex see me handcuffed, searched and stuck in he back of the wagon. Even better they just drop me off at the psych ward and leave me to find my own ride home if the hospital decides I don’t need to be admitted. It’s fun to be treated like a criminal just because I have a mental illness.

Before my therapist went on maternity leave, I had her calling on Fridays to do the same thing. Ostensibly it was a therapy session but she was trying to get me off the phone as soon as she started talking to me. “How are you feeling? Are you taking your meds? Okay, talk to you same time next week.” I don’t blame her; I was her last call on a Friday afternoon and she just wanted to get on with her weekend.

A couple months ago I missed one of these calls. I never put my phone on mute but for some reason I had on that day. I was in the other room and I heard the vibrating noise but didn’t know what it was. It clicked and I rushed to my phone but I was too late. Before I could finish listening to my therapist’s voicemail, my case manager was calling. Then she texted me. I had to hang up the phone and text back I was okay. If I didn’t hear my phone I would have had a cop, “cop knocking” at my door. You know how they do it. Banging really loud and announcing to the whole neighborhood they are the police and why they are there. I”m tired of this shit.

Tuesday

I have a little time before I go to see my daughter. I hope she still likes me. I’m sure she does. My mind just blows things out of proportion. I’m always worrying about something. I was talking to my friend who has three daughters. As soon as I told her what was going on with my daughter she said, It’s puberty and it sucks for the child and the parent. That is what I knew anyway but I always make things worse for myself. I will feel better after I bicycle there.

I started an epic story for my Wednesday post but I don’t think I will get it done in time. The more I wrote the more I thought of to write. It’s not like I have to post on Wednesday, it’s just that I have every week since I started this blog. I think my first post was on that day.


I biked to my daughter’s house today. I got a pretty good sun/wind burn on my face. It doesn’t take much and it was the first time I sat out on the beach this year. It was almost 90 degrees outside. I’m using the AC for one of the few times.

My daughter is fine. I just get it tied up in my head one way and can’t get it out. I spend too much time alone.

Wednesday

6am. I just reversed my sleep schedule by falling asleep before midnight. I must be tired from riding my bike yesterday.

A few nights ago when I wasn’t sleeping I signed up for a dating site again to maybe meet someone. It was the same as I remember. I can click around and it tells you who is online at the moment. I send a bunch of messages and don’t get any responses from the women I think are compatible. Everyone is way too serious on there. I send humorous messages so people know I’m not taking it seriously or trying to get married or something. If I’m not serious enough that is the end of the conversation. People are so rude, they just stop talking to you if you don’t say the perfect thing.

I did see someone from my town who seemed normal so I was talking to her for a couple nights. I was making her laugh but she didn’t really like me. She likes to go out for drinks and I just can’t do that. I tried to get her number to text but she didn’t want to and I realized I can’t go out on real dates anyway. It’s only been 3 nights and I am done with it I think. I don’t know who really meets up on the site. All the men want sex and all the women don’t want sex. Some women I see say they are looking to get married and they are in their 40’s. You can’t find your husband on a free dating app. Good thing it is free and I didn’t waste any money on it. It just made me realize I’m not prepared to date anyone. I just want to hang out and talk and do some low key activities. I don’t want to go out party every night or even on the weekends. I don’t need something spectacular going on all the time.


I finished my Wednesday post. I didn’t proofread it. I just finished typing and hit publish. I feel like I left out some important points but it was also getting too long for anyone to read. The title doesn’t make any sense unless you know the name of the town Telluride is a contraction of the phrase, “T’ ‘ell ‘U’ ride.” It is what they would tell the gold miners back in the 1800’s because it was such a long trail with no supply stations and it led to the middle of nowhere.

Thursday

Just like that, I ditched the online dating. I’m in no condition to meet someone new. I am doing the bare minimum keeping up with my place. There is cat hair all over the floor and already this morning I said, fuck vacuuming.

Before my therapist went on maternity leave, one of the quality of life questions she would always ask me is if I was doing my laundry. I would always lie and say yes. On the last day we talked I decided to tell her, no, I’m not doing my laundry. She asked me how it was getting done. Like I have a maid service or something. She works with mentally ill people every day and she couldn’t fathom a person wouldn’t wash their clothes. I”m glad she took a few months off. She can be dense sometimes.

Friday

I have never hit the “pink cloud” phase people at AA talk about. It doesn’t matter how long I go without drinking, I never get that feeling my life has magically transformed. Maybe it’s my drinking style. I never drank every day. Instead I would get get really drunk on the weekends without thinking about booze on the days in between. I didn’t know until it was too late that is another form of alcoholism called binge drinking. I always thought you had to drink every day to become dependent on alcohol.

Binge drinking is defined as having 5 or more drinks for the average size man and 4 drinks for an average size woman in one sitting. If you are doing that on an typical night out you could be looking at some trouble later in life. Your blood alcohol content has nothing to do with how much you actually weigh. It is determined by how much you “should” weigh based on your height. That is because it doesn’t matter how much weight you gain, your body never makes a larger quantity of blood to make up for it. The idea that a larger man can handle more alcohol is a myth. The only reason they can handle more is because they have a tolerance. Having a tolerance is another major red flag for alcoholism.

I am sitting here in my 3rd or 4th month without drinking and I am still waiting for that pink fuzzy cloud to surround my brain. I’ve read stories of other alcoholics feeling it as soon as one month sober. I’m not sure if that can be true. A lifetime of problems aren’t just going away because you stopped drinking for 30 days.

My depression has lifted but not because I stopped drinking. It was the opposite. My depression dissipated first and that is how I was able to put the brakes on my drinking. I’ve had longer periods without drinking but I’ve never experienced the “miracle” they tell you to sit back and wait to arrive.


It is only 10am and I’ve already written on here and also did two book reviews. I’m usually just waking up at this time so I don’t know what made me so productive. Just a couple days ago I was struggling to write anything. I only had my usual 2 cups of coffee. Any more and my mind is ruined for the whole day. I learned that the hard way. Now I’ve bought myself some time to write about more interesting topics. If I can think of something.


Wow. Right after I wrote that I got incredibly depressed. Like I have to go to bed depresssed. But there was no sleeping. My schedule is upside down. I have to pull a 24 hour day to make it to 5am and fix it. After I came out of it I had bad anxiety and paced around until 5pm. That’s when I feel safer. I am always afraid they are going to break the door down between 9 and 5.


To Hell You Ride

In June of ’93 my girlfriend and I hitchhiked from Phoenix, Arizona. to Telluride, Colorado. It is almost 500 miles by car and we made it in one day. We had already hooked a ride in a friend’s U-haul because she was moving to Phoenix. Our original destination was the Grand Canyon and we didn’t have a plan after that. We just wanted to see the country. Hitchhiking with a girl is much easier than going solo as a man. We hit the highway and immediately got picked up by a couple in an old recreational vehicle built in the ’70’s. We tossed our oversized backpacks inside and happily answered their questions as they chugged us up the hill towards Flagstaff, AZ. We left the extreme heat and hit the snow at the top of the mountain in just a couple hours.

We were too young and naive to be scared. We welcomed the opportunity to meet new people. The couple in the RV dropped us off somewhere in Colorado and we set out in search of our next ride. Again, it didn’t take long to get picked up. This time it was two women from Mexico who were also going to see the Grand Canyon. They didn’t speak much English and we didn’t speak much Spanish but we got the general idea. The ride was fortuitous but the snowstorm was following us north. We would stop at a pull-off and get out to enjoy the spectacular view until the storm caught us in a white out. We would all pile into the car and race to the next stop and do it again, alternating between sunshine and snow. Finally the two women said they were going back home and dropped us off to fend for ourselves.

We didn’t know what to do. A blizzard on June 1st? We stuck out our thumbs and hoped for the best. Providence arrived in an old AMC Pacer. He was a single man and it looked like he had all of his belongings packed into the hatchback. I took the front seat and Joie sat in the back of the tiny car crowded in with our two packs. The man told us he was going to Telluride and wanted us to go with him. I pulled out my folded paper map (No GPS back then) and was discouraged to see the town was miles away in a box canyon where the highway just ended in the mountains. It would take us forever to hike out in the morning. We didn’t want to get out and look for another ride because the snow had turned to a heavy freezing rain. It was getting dark as I scoured the map for an alternate route.

The storm made the decision for us and we stuck with the man who assured us we would enjoy Telluride and would find good places to camp. As we crested the small hill entering the town the rain and snow stopped. We were surprised to see crowds of people spilling out of the bars into the street, partying at midnight. A banner strung over the road welcomed us to the annual film festival. Our saviour drove us to the end of the small canyon and told us we could set up our tent at a place he vaguely gestured over to our right. And that is what we did. We didn’t know we would be staying the whole summer.

In the morning someone was tapping on our tent. I opened the flap to find a man in a park ranger’s uniform. He told us we couldn’t camp in the middle of the baseball field but it was free to stay in the National Forest just a couple hundred yards away. Embarrassed we packed up and walked to the woods.

Every spot was claimed by someone but we met a small group of people and they invited us to pick a spot with them. Everyone was so nice. We were surprised to meet a couple in a small school bus with their three dogs. They were from Maine which neighbored our home state. There was a woman named Sparrow living n her old Volvo wagon and we met Victor, the crazy self proclaimed Mayor of Telluride.

Over the course of a few weeks we had some unusual experiences. There was a hot air balloon weekend and it started early in the morning. Joie and I were sleeping and heard loud noises in the sky. We hurried out of the tent and saw the brightly colored balloons just over our head. They were hitting the gas hard to fight the down draft of air coming off the mountains and they were losing. We saw the Allmann Brother’s Band perform in the baseball field we camped in the first night. We didn’t have to pay for a ticket, we just sat up on the mountainside.

Two men started camping with our group and they had brought some mushroom tea with them from Louisiana. It was moldy and they kept boiling it down to make a reduction. One day about ten of us drank a cup and ran up the mountain without stopping. These mountains were tall. At the top we saw a great field with small alpine flowers blooming through the snow. We all thought we were having the same hallucination and had to agree that it was real. Then we ran back down the mountain. I think we scared some other more leisurely hikers.

In the National Forest you can only camp in the same spot for two weeks and then you are supposed to move. We drove down to a bigger spot about a mile outside of town. By that time we had at least twenty people in our group. We had a table set up with a gas fired wok. There was a couple there with their baby living in a converted full size school bus. It had a full size stove and oven. We cooked some good meals for a lot of people. Each day we would all go to the store and bring back a piece of the meal and take turns cooking. About twenty more people would show up with their own bowls and spoons at mealtime. They would talk big about peace and love and sharing but they never brought anything to share. They wouldn’t even help clean up after. They just chewed and screwed.

I was the explorer of the group. I would scramble up the mountainside to see what I could find. Once I used someone’s binoculars and spotted a cave high up. I climbed up the broken rock. It took me half the day and when I got up there I saw someone had stocked it with a full size mattress and candles. They were living in it so I left it alone. Another time I found a great cabin abandoned in the middle of the forest. It was well built and I have no idea how anyone got the materials out there. It looked like someone used it part of the year so I left them alone too.

It was funny. When we first started making friend’s, everyone thought I was police because I had a shaved head and I wasn’t smoking weed with them. They tried to hide it from me but they weren’t very good at it. They didn’t know I had done more drugs than all of them. Victor even bought me a tie dye t shirt that said, “Drug Free and Happy to be” on the back. They all loosened up when they knew I drank the tea. I don’t blame them. I looked the part. I had a short hair cut and clean shaven face. Everyone else looked like hippies from the sixties. I never had anyone think I was police before.

I’m not much of a believer in all the mystical shit everyone was into. There was a couple in our group with their daughter. They had left Nashville Tennessee in their van and just started living on the road. The husband carved totems on walking sticks and sold them for extra cash. His wife read Rune stones. She did mine one day and it was weird. I drew three stones from the Crown Royal bag. One each for past, present and future. I did it three times and each time I drew the arrow rune for the present. The arrow rune stands for the flow and when it comes up for the present time it means you are in exactly in the right spot for the exact moment in your life. That is how I felt that summer in the mountains. If we hadn’t been hit by that snowstorm on the first day we never would have ended up in Telluride and making all our new friends.

Our plan was to travel the country but we were having such a good time we stayed in town for three months. Winter came and we hooked a ride with the couple in the big school bus. They brought us all the way to Pennsylvania. There we couldn’t get a ride and we spent half the day under a bridge to stay out of the rain. Finally a man in a nice new car picked us up and drove us all the way to his home in Boston, Massachusetts. His wife made a great dinner for us and he sparked us up. That time I did smoke. Maybe it was the relief of getting back home. He was very nice and drove us forty miles from his house to my mom’s doorstep in the middle of the night.

I think about going back to Telluride but I see online it has changed a lot. It has become a more popular tourist attraction with all the annual festivals they have. I don’t know if they just let you camp out for free anymore. I think you need a lot of money to stay there now. Plus it is a popular ski area. I’m too old to spend the summer in a tent again and I don’t think I’ll find another girlfriend who wants to pick up and hitchhike around the country.

I am tempted to get back into the “flow”. I have never felt like I was so much in the right place at the right time a when I was traveling the country.

Year of the Monkey

This book is a dream steeped in real life. “Year of the Monkey” by Patti Smith. Yes, that Patti Smith. I was surprised to see her name on my library reader app. I didn’t know she was such a prolific author. I was also surprised she is still alive and still touring at 70 years old. This is her latest book and I plan on reading more. She writes in an easy to read, effortless style. I recognized her name but I didn’t know much about this musical icon. I did some YouTube’ing and discovered I like her writing more than her music. I prefer a different type of punk rock.

The book starts with her staying in what she calls the “Dream Motel.” It is actually named the “Dream Inn” and you would think she had dreamed it up if she didn’t have a Polaroid picture of the sign to prove it. The whole book is punctuated by Polaroid pictures to prove her points. I liked it because I remember those cameras from my childhood, where you just snapped and waited for the film to “instantly” develop before your eyes. She describes a collection that outdid my mom’s and that is no mean feat.

It takes place in the Chinese year of the monkey, starting in Santa Cruz, CA and jumps across the country and other parts of the world. She spends a lot of time in NYC where she still goes to seedy cafes and drinks coffee, talks about books and writes in her journal. From what I gather her life hasn’t changed much in the 50 years since she became famous. And why not? Her life is pretty good. Sometimes it is hard to tell when she is dreaming but when she is with her friends whom she is outliving you know it is real.

She seems to live in the past but she doesn’t have much future left. She surrounds herself with old friends, books, paintings and memories. I thought she would have partied more but she didn’t really. That is probably how she found time to read and write all those books. She ties in passages from the classics and references to old plays. I am always jealous when people can do that. I am awful with names and dates and History class was the only subject I struggled with in school.

It is a memoir that mixes her real friends with her dream friends and sometimes I didn’t know which was which. The story is easy and fun to follow. She has a poetry in her prose which I liked. It would be a good beach read at 166 pages and I am interested in reading at least a couple more of the many books she had written. She has an interesting and storied life and has many famous friends to tell about. I would recommend this book to anyone who likes to read. Not just fans of her music.

Noodling

Sunday

I wake up in the grip of fear. I have to become an automaton to make it to my automatic coffee maker. Then I put together a cup of lentils on the stove top. I have to push all other thoughts out of my head or I can’t get started. Then it is off to the bathroom and take my pills, I need a bens in the morning as soon as I feel the anxiety start. Otherwise if I wait an hour it is too late. After that my coffee is ready and I switch on the computer. I used to scroll Twitter but now since I’ve started this blog it gives me something else to do. I read most of the blogs I follow who posted before I woke up. If I do all this I am usually set to face the day.

Monday

Yesterday was pretty uneventful. I pulled myself together before noon and walked to the pharmacy and Goodwill store. I need some clean T shirts for summer but they were almost sold out. I bought one but it was too small when I got it home. I also got a good jacket to wear in the rain in warm months. I only had winter coats before and they weren’t waterproof.

I read a sample of a book by Patti Smith, “Year of the Monkey” and it was pretty good so I borrowed it while I wait for another book. The app is weird. You need a library card to use it and they have limited copies of some books so you have to put some on hold sometimes. My question is if the books are digital, how can there be a limited number of copies? It doesn’t make sense to me. I’ve never had a book reader before so I don’t know how it works on other apps. I can’t read like I did when I was younger so I can afford to wait.


Yesterday and today have been going fine. Except for my usual morning problems I’ve been feeling like a normal human. I rack my brain to figure out what makes the difference between a good day and a bad day. Sometimes my mood is completely disconnected from what is going on in my life. I go to bed and wake up at the same time, take my meds at the same time, eat the same. I can’t understand why some days I cannot function at all. Today was pretty good and it’s almost midnight so it can only get better.

Tuesday

Sometimes I can fall asleep without taking my meds. It’s fitful and I wake myself every half hour rolling over and back to sleep again. This happened last night around midnight until I finally took my meds at 5. I watched tv for 15 minutes then I was out till 9. I’m not tired.


I just finished my first book since my accident 3 years ago. “Year of the Monkey” by Patti Smith. Up until recently I couldn’t concentrate through more than a couple long paragraphs. I’m so happy. I used to read forever. Actually my first book was an audio but this one was text (digital) and it forced me to concentrate on the page. I like it better than audio. I will probably write a post about it later.

Wednesday

I am only able to do meditations when I don’t really need them. I did 2, 30 minute guided sleep meditations last night. I was so relaxed I fell asleep for about 10 minutes then woke up with more anxiety than ever.


I’ve been very productive today and that usually helps to lift my mood and keep me from going down the rabbit hole. I walked to the grocery and stocked up. I wrote a blog post about the book I read and I started another audio book. I listened to an hour yesterday and I am going to try to listen to another hour today. It is a 9 hour listen so I am glad it is audio rather than a text version.

Thursday

My daughter asked me if I could wait until next week to go see her. She has been sad this week. Her mom said she is crying because she thinks she is hurting my feelings. My feelings aren’t hurt. I’m just wondering if it is normal 15 year old things or something else. I’m worried because mental illness runs in both her mom’s and my families. I don’t want her going through depression or worse in her life. I know it sucks.


It’s funny. My first instinct was to get drunk over it. Get completely obliterated until I can’t feel my feelings anymore. But there is not enough alcohol in the world for that. It doesn’t work that way for me. Alcohol amplifies my feelings and I drink more and more until I finally black out and there is nothing there. Until I wake up the next day. Then it comes back worse than ever. I also tend to skip my meds when I’m drinking and that is not a good idea. Skipping my meds means I can stay awake for days and drink more than anything. A few months ago before my depression lifted, I would have done just that.


Alcohol is fucked up. It changes your brain. Even though I know I can’t drink, I still want to get shit faced. There is a small but powerful part of my brain that actually wants bad things to happen to give me an excuse to get drunk. Even a death in my family would be acceptable to that part of my mind as long as it meant my reptile brain could get what it wants. This is the perfect time too. The weekend is here and I could get wasted for 4 days and keep it to myself. Nobody would know I’m an idiot. Nobody would know I can’t deal with my feelings.


It’s only 10am. If I started now I could drink a case of beer today before the store closed tonight. Who knows what would happen tomorrow. A few months ago I would already have the beer. That buzzing in my ear telling me everything is going to be better. I don’t count the days since my last drink. That seems obsessive. I don’t like to brag about how long it’s been since I drank. I know it could end today and I would be right back where I started.


I really hope my daughter is going through normal teenage angst. I worry about her every day. I don’t want her medicated before she is 18. I want it to be her choice. If she thinks she needs it. I don’t want her to need medication at all and doctors are so quick to diagnose and prescribe to young children. I didn’t know what to say to her. I just said it’s okay to feel bad and I will always love her. I told her it wouldn’t be normal to feel good every day. It’s hard; I can only do it through text. She doesn’t phone or FaceTime with anyone. She never like it. I wish I could just go there and tell her it’s fine.

I could easily worst case scenario this and ruin myself. I don’t know how I’m being so calm about it. I usually blow stuff up and catastrophize. I guess writing helps. That’s why I opened this blog. I used to write long emails to people but I don’t have any good email friends anymore. I just sit here alone and ruminate. At least this lets it go somewhere. This is part of why my blog is anonymous.

Friday

The depression hit me this morning. Along with that friendly voice telling me I’m worthless and should kill myself. Of course I can’t listen but I know how to stop it. At least temporarily. But it will only come back tenfold. I didn’t use anything yesterday and don’t plan on it today. Funny, the 4th of July was harder. Maybe because I had a defined plan to get drunk. I was only hours away from following through but somehow stopped myself. Today all I can do is turn up the music to drown out my voice. Meditation would be impossible. My therapist is always telling me to try it. But it only works when I don’t need it.


Alcohol isn’t my drug of choice. It’s just so cheap and accessible. There are 2 state run liquor stores in my small town. Dedicated to selling only hard stuff. I stay away from that but I can go into any other store in town and buy beer or wine. I’m so old I don’t even get carded. All I need is a form of payment and boom.

I’m surprisingly chilled out today after a rocky start. I ate something and now I’m having a couple cups of weak coffee. I can’t make it too strong because I don’t sleep anyway. It helps me focus my mind into one stream.

It’s been really quiet in my apartment complex for the last few weeks. I think the drunk woman upstairs moved out because she was very loud. And you can hear everything in the hallways. Every day I was getting paranoid and thinking those noises were someone coming for me to take me away. That is a welcome change. I think it is a large part of me attempting to read books again.

Saturday

It’s 2am and I just got catfished. People like to do that when they are bored. I should have known by the way she avoided some of my questions. It was good until I tried to trade numbers to meet up then she disappeared. Figures

Goodnight

90 Dates in 90 Days

Heart colored pencils

During my “Summer of Fun”, I spent the rent on women. I was manic and had just discovered the world of online dating. The reason I went on so many dates is because I didn’t spend enough time getting to know the person before we met. I would make them laugh in the morning and meet them that night. Then I didn’t pass the interview process. I didn’t get many second dates. The other reason is I wasn’t looking for anything serious so I had some casual hookups.

I had two problems working against me that put a damper on my fun in the sun. One problem was I lived with my Nazi brother who made it abundantly clear there were no women allowed at his house. It’s not like I was going to fuck on his musty old couch. The other problem was the women I met on dating sites. Typically they would be in their 40’s, recently divorced with two young children who lived at home. These women tended to be looking for a man they like but also made enough money to move into their house and split the bills. I had no inclination to do that and they quickly found out during the dinner interview process that my disability benefits weren’t going to pay the rent.

I met some women who were quite rude. Once a woman asked me what I do for work and when I told her my situation she rolled her eyes and didn’t talk to me for the rest of dinner. ( The dinner I was paying for) That made for a long awkward silence because we had just ordered appetizers and meals and just had to sit there and wait for it to be over. I should have gotten up and left her to pay the bill. But I’m old fashioned and think if I ask someone out then I should pay. Eventually I switched to quick coffee dates and saved myself some money. You can tell if you are going to hit it off with someone in the first five minutes.

I recently read a post by a woman complaining about being ghosted. She said guys should, “Man up and communicate.” If she only knew the number of times I’ve been ghosted. Even after women have told me unprompted to call or text them the next day. Here is an extreme example but some others aren’t too far off. I met a woman at a restaurant for a meal. We didn’t have any drinks. We hit it off so well that we stayed after we paid the bill and only left because the place was closing. We went out to the parking lot and talked some more. She said she had to get home because she had a babysitter. I leaned in to give her a quick hug and she turned her head and started kissing me. I was surprised but went with it. Afterward she told me I better call her the next day and then took my picture with her phone to put my face in her contacts. She said she wanted to know it was me when I called. I went home happy and the next day decided to give her a call. I did and got no answer. No big deal, I just left a quick voicemail. I didn’t get a call back so I sent her a short text the next day and that was it. I never heard from her again.

I think I found out why I got ghosted with no explanation so many times. I met a woman online and we texted for a few days. When we met in person it was obvious her online picture was from 20 years ago. I didn’t say anything and decided to make the best of it. She was embarrassed or something and wouldn’t make eye contact or even talk throughout the meal. I was careful to ask her questions without a simple yes or no answer but I could not get a conversation started. Which was strange because she had a ton to say over texting almost non-stop. We got outside and I told her I had a good time (lied) and said I don’t think we were a good match and drove home.

By the time I got back to my place I already had 2 texts from her. She wanted to know why I didn’t like her. She wanted to know exactly what was wrong with her. I texted back I was tired and would talk tomorrow. Well, tomorrow came and she had all night to think about it. I was woken up early in the morning by my phone buzzing. It was her sending text after text. She didn’t even give me a chance to answer before she sent me a text and then another and another, etc… She wanted answers but I couldn’t give them. She went on blowing up my phone for 2 days. I couldn’t take it but my phone didn’t have an option to block callers. I finally had to contact my service provider to block her number. Maybe that is why so many women ghosted me the next day after saying they had a great time. Maybe they had guys do the same to them. I don’t know.

Two more good reasons to ghost me were my alcohol consumption and my manic mouth. Neither of which I had any compunction of showing off. I didn’t always do it. It depended on the person I was with or where we met for the date. In the time it took to have apps and dinner (about an hour?) I could tip back 3 24 ounce glasses of Sam Adams ale. (gulping drinks and tolerance are 2 red flags for alcoholism) It only served to fuel my long rambling storytelling. I’m not a bore but that is the direction I would go if I couldn’t get a good conversation started.

Maybe I am a bad dater, but you can’t lay all the blame on me. Isn’t the point of dating to have fun? So many women are busy looking for “the one”, they forget to have fun. I’ve been on so many “all business dates.” Isn’t finding the one for they young? I’m just happy to find someone who is compatible.

It wasn’t as bad as I’m making it out to be. That is why I call it my “Summer of Fun.” I did have a lot of good times. I’ll save some of them for future posts. I got started on this one because I was reminded of being ghosted and how it was funny a woman was complaining about it. I didn’t think women had that problem.