Perpetual Motion

My daughter bought a new Big Muff pedal for her bass guitar. It was the first thing she said when I texted her this morning and she sent a picture of it. Her mom said she has been dying to tell me. She is up in her room rocking the house. I guess I lost her now. Her mom says she can hear it downstairs in the kitchen. I remember what it was like to get all excited about the guitar. She texted me an audio and I recognized the song immediately as one of the bands she got me listening to. She sounded just like it.

She also turned 15 and a half which means she can drive a car as long as she is with someone over 21 years old. I can’t believe it happened so fast. They bought her a black BMW last summer. It is a 2005 but it is in good condition. They bought it for only $800 because the owner thought the head gasket was blown. They drove it home and it turned out to be something much easier to fix than a head gasket. I am jealous! Her step dad works on motors for a living so he is quite handy. He fixes all the cars. She is going to be the coolest kid next summer! Last summer she was afraid and said she didn’t want to get her license. But now after seeing the car in the driveway and having been out driving in parking lots she is excited about it. She says she won’t be able to drive it in the snow because it is rear wheel drive. I told her about the huge rear wheel drive cars I had to drive when I was a kid. I couldn’t wait for it to snow so I could go out and do donuts. So much fun!

Tuesday

I yelled at my doctor yesterday. I asked him, what the fuck do you think I am doing over here? Having a 24 hour party? Kicking back in the sun? It’s me and my cat in the middle of fucking winter and I don’t own a car! (I hate winter!) I’m spending half the day scared to death for no good reason and the other half I’m reading the computer and watching tv at the same time to distract from the voices. I told him I fired my therapist (he already knew) and said I can’t fire him. What am I going to do? Get a new doctor who can send me to the hospital by fucking with my medications?


I don’t really have a New Year’s resolution to post less on here. I’m just having trouble functioning well enough to sit down and write. One thing I did think of as resolutionish is to try to be more positive. I know I have a lot of angry posts but a lot of the time it is my anger that inspires me to write. I have been trying to wait until I calm down before I open up the editor. For instance; the rant about my doctor could have taken up a few long paragraphs if I had written it directly after the conversation which happened yesterday.


I am getting excited about my daughter driving. She is going to be the baddest bitch (It’s a joke, we taught her not to let anyone call her a bitch) at her school next summer. Driving a sleek, black BMW with her bass guitar in the back. The car is 15 years old but still in good condition. It’s an automatic so she can’t take after me. When I was married we had a 10 year old BMW with a stick shift. I would take it out at night down the curvy, coast road and bounce the tachometer between 3 and 6,000 as I raced through the gears. It was my favorite way to blow off steam!

Wednesday

She drove herself to school today! Well, she needs an adult with her but she drove. It’s her first day back at school so I have mixed feelings with the virus happening. I can’t believe she is driving already! Like yesterday she was a tiny little Peanut strapped into the back seat. I’m so excited for her! She is going to be killing it when she gets her license this summer. She already has her own car. Nobody needs to know it cost $800. Seriously, though, where are you going to get an $800 BMW in good shape. They got lucky. It must have come from some guy with a lot of money who couldn’t be bothered to fix it. He probably just wanted it out of his yard. It didn’t even need a new engine. She will be stylin’!


I can’t believe the shit that is happening now! He gave a speech where the main theme was “we will never stop fighting” to a bunch of people he has been lying about a fraudulent election and they walked directly to the capitol building, to “not stop fighting,” and killed people and they are debating if he had anything to do with it. I’m scared because I’m not on the side that owns all the guns. Did you all see the congresswoman on television with her speech being broadcast around the world while she wore a mask that said “censored?” That is the line they are feeding the public. They are making it a freedom of speech issue. Telling them they are being silenced. Breaking into buildings and killing people is not free speech.

Thursday

The sobriety blog I follow finally posted this month after advertising last month they would be doing a “Dry January.” They did a “Dry July” and posted twice a day and inexplicably disappeared near the end of the month. They took a couple months off and only posted sporadically. I think it is funny because the blog is professional and they have links to join their “community.” I clicked the link today and it brought me to a page with a picture of a cell phone. I assume they have a sobriety app. Maybe they are too busy with the app to work on the blog. I don’t know. I’ve never contacted them. I don’t like the idea of having an app on my phone that tracks me and says I’m an alcoholic.

Friday

My fucking therapist called today like it was an ordinary missed appointment and left a voicemail to reschedule! Is she drunk? It was only last week I told her to fuck off, don’t call me back and hung up the phone twice. The second time I hung up was her calling back to ask if I wanted her to call me back today??? I told her, what did I just say? It was only a week ago. I was emphatic telling her not to call me back; twice!

Saturday

Good news! I’m going to visit my daughter Monday. They made her go back to school in person and they made some messed up schedule. They split them into two groups and they go to school two days every two days. She goes in Tuesday and Wednesday and the other group goes Thursday and Friday etc… I don’t see how jumping days around is going to fool the virus.

You Did What?!?!

It’s been a long time since I’ve been checked into the psych ward. My doctor and therapist thought it was a sign I am doing so much better. Even though I told them the next time I go into the hospital it will be feet first or in hand cuffs. The last time I went was in handcuffs but I knew all the right answers and lied. They put me in an unlocked room for “observation.” I texted someone and escaped through the side door of the hospital. I would have just walked home but it was the middle of winter and all I had was a thin shirt.

I won’t go to the psych ward again because of the way I was treated last time I was there. I checked myself in and at the time I was drunk. I told them the truth and said the only reason I was drinking was I stopped taking my meds and was trying to self medicate. All of the doctors and nurses would ask me who my doctor was on the outside. I would tell them, Dr. Kates. They would all have the same reaction, “Oh Jim! I know him, he works here on weekends” I would say I know he’s been my doctor for 20 years.

I saw a doctor the first day and explained I just needed a safe place to get back on my medications because I was suicidal. He nodded and said he would prescribe me and he left. At night I went to the nurse window and they gave me flintstone hangover vitamins. No psychoactive meds I usually take. I stayed awake that night. The next day there was another doctor and her team of like 5 people taking notes. I told her I didn’t get my meds. She said I would get them tonight. Again at night I went to the nurse window. Flinstone vitamins, no meds. I saw a different doctor the next day he told me I would get my meds immediately. I went to the nurse. She said he prescribed me a shitload of valium. I didn’t understand, I had never taken valium in my life. I said I didn’t want it. It was a lot too. So much valium the two nurses thought it was a mistake and called the Dr. to make sure. Then they still refused to give that to me. Even though I didn’t want it.

It was the 4th day and all of a sudden I find I am one of those people arguing with the nurses about my meds. I know nurses can’t prescribe. They just hand out the pills the doctor tells them to. I saw the doctor again. The one with all the assistants around the table. She looked me straight in the eye and asked me if I was buying my meds off the street! I said, No, I get them at the pharmacy like everyone else. She looked surprised. I said, I suddenly feel a lot better, do you think I can go home now? (5 of them around the table and not one had the job to verify with 1 phone call?)

After that it was a different story. The nurses were chasing me down the halls trying to throw pills in my mouth. Everyone had a big smile and was friendly to me. I was fuming. I was in the hospital after being unmedicated at home for a week and they kept me unmedicated for 4 more days and nobody had called my doctor on the outside to find out what meds I take?!?! I was pissed. They were treating me like one of the drunks that checks in for 3 hots and a cot. (3 hot meals a day and a place to sleep for free) They thought I checked myself into the hospital to score drugs. They just automatically thought I was lying and I couldn’t figure out why.

Part two:

Five years later ( November 2020) my therapists drops the phrase “alcohol use disorder” on me like we talk about it all the time. I thought about it and it all started to make sense. Not only the hospital but how I was treated differently in all official situations. She diagnosed me with alcohol disorder. That was the only difference between my last hospital stay and all the previous ones. Were they just taking my word for it when I told them the meds I took all those visits? WTF kind of process is that? Then I come in and they see on the computer “Alcohol Use Disorder” Red flag! He is a liar! Don’t believe anything he says! I finally figured out why they were treating me with vitamins for alcohol withdrawal. Even though I told them I only drank one day and I could never in my life drink every day so I was in no danger of having a seizure and dying. I told them the truth on every question they asked me. I am done telling the truth to anyone in an official capacity.

Cunt! My therapist. When I figured it out in December I yelled at her on the phone and she lied to me again. All the times I complained and swore I would never go back to the hospital again and all she would say is, ” I can’t understand why they would treat you that way?” Bullshit! She knew exactly why! That is how they treat alcoholics in the hospital! I just couldn’t figure it out because I had never been treated that way in all my many visits over my lifetime. I had seen it a thousand times. I just thought the drunks were trying to con their way into drugs. I didn’t know they were being lied to by the doctors like I was.

I cancelled my therapist appointment the day before Christmas. I have no idea why she thought I would want to ruin my holiday by getting pissed at her all over again. She had no clue and rescheduled for January. Well, I’m glad she had a good holiday because mine sucked. She called yesterday (Friday) and tried to continue the lie. I told her to get fucked don’t call me again! She waited 5 minutes and called back. She asked if I wanted her to call me next week. I said bitch, what did I just say? What is going to change next week? What is going to get resolved? You have been lying to someone who trusted you for 5 years. She tried to say she can get me another therapist. What is that going to do? I’m not going to trust the new therapist and the new therapist is going to treat me like an alcoholic and won’t believe anything I say. Fuck all of them. They all work together and I know my doctor knows because he works at the hospital. He has treated alcohol use disorder patients the exact same way over the years. He has been lying to me the whole time too. I am about ready to stop taking all my meds again. They can all get fucked! Who am I supposed to trust. Do they think I am an idiot?

Quite Contrite

Thursday, January 7th 2021:

A penitent president backed down from his fiery rhetoric today. It seems the only thing he fears more than losing power is losing his social media accounts! What a loser!

I spent today texting relatives that there were really only about 500 protesters at the capitol building yesterday. Not 10,000 like the media was trying to say. They kept using close up view of the crowd to make it look like a lot of people were there but when they showed the camera from across the street you could tell it was mostly empty space. It was just a number of hardcore members and the rest just wandered over from the president’s rally. Once they were there they didn’t seem to know what to do next.

Friday

I just pulled a nutty on my therapist again. She said, “You sound frustrated.” I sound frustrated? Yes. Being lied to by my doctor and my therapist over five years just frustrates the heck out of me. I am so darn frustrated. Fuck you! I’m pissed! “It sounds like you aren’t coming from a place of trust.” Do you think? My doctor is next on Monday.

Saturday

I’ve lost my daughter. Now I’m just some weird guy who shows up on weekends. I’ve been replaced by her step father who does all the things with her that I should be doing but I can’t. She is almost 16. She has lived with him for 13 years. I was only there for 3. I can’t compete. He is there 24/7 and I am there on 1 day a week. I used to be proud of myself. My dad was a loser who abandoned me and the best thing he did for my family was die and leave a pittance. I was proud of myself for showing up every week. I spent 6 years driving an hour and a half each way. It wasn’t easy but I was there. Now I live closer and she doesn’t want me there every week. When I was married my grandfather in law would joke, You know, you can be replaced…. and laugh. But that is exactly what happened. I was replaced. The good part of it is her step dad is a good person. He does everything for the family. I don’t know what I would do if he was an asshole. Maybe I am just too emotional. I cried all night last night. I’m starting to cry right now. It’s not like I just took off on her. It wasn’t my fault I couldn’t work and support a family. I can’t drive. I can’t go places with her. I’m mental. I’m an embarrassment.

Tuesday 1/5/21 I think

I slept a couple hours in the afternoon and when I woke up the clock said 6 and it was completely dark out. I felt like I had just slept 12 hours. I got out of bed, made some coffee, wondering why the hell I was awake so early in the morning. All my clocks just said 6:00 and my watch is analog. My computer is the only clock in the house that tells AM/PM. So it certainly was 6pm Tuesday and not 6am Wednesday! Should I drink the coffee? Just kidding. I’m on my second cup! It’s been over an hour and I keep thinking it’s Morning. I’m confused! I rarely take naps and if I do it will be less than hour. I never sleep 2 hours and wake up feeling like I slept all night. It’s still stuck on me. I want to open the blinds to let the sunshine in but it is absolutely dark outside.

Wednesday

Wow! They are trying to get inside the Capitol building…

Now they are in! Nothing like this has happened before. No police in riot gear, no rubber bullets, no tear gas?

I can’t tell. It seems like they are trying to make it look like a lot more people than are actually there. Tight camera shots on the crowd but empty space behind them. Most of them look like they are hanging around.

They are sensationalizing it on the news. I’ve been watching for more than an hour and the crowd is not any bigger. At the bottom of the steps it thins out to stragglers.

They are trying to make it seem bigger than it is so you will keep watching. I see hundreds of people. Not 10,000 like they are reporting. Half of them are leaving now and the media is still hyping it up.

I told my mom to put it on C-SPAN and calm down. They are reporting the protesters are leaving. They are showing it on camera. All the protesters on the steps are facing the cameras and not trying to get into the building. They are even using the crosswalks to cross the street legally.

Earlier I saw the views from inside where some of the protesters were “breaching” the capitol. Most of them taking videos with their cell phones. Maybe 20 people.

It’s going to be over soon. As soon as these people find out there is no place to use the bathroom.

What a joke he was!

A Literary View

Normal Heading Here

I’d like to say I am the most normal here. But it sometimes takes me so long to type, I forget what I am typing about. I take a drink of water and try to forget but it never comes to me. Not really. I wish I had it all together. I’m f’ing tripping my balls off since before Thanksgiving! But it’s not like I’m taking drugs, I mean I’m figuring shit out I never imagined before!!! WTF am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to sound, sound when I have been invalidated? What defense do I have when I am not to be believed?

What else would a well behaved man do on the 4th of the year? I don’t know? What if a lot of people you trusted turned out to be lying to you and it had a large affect over your life?


I can’t believe it’s after midnight and I have to prove myself.

I don’t know who knows where I am from but have you ever been judged, solely on you’re accent? I have a deep NH no matter how I try to disguise it.


I don’t know what to do? I feel like I’m failing all the time. I’m freaking most of the time people think I am being normal! I got to such extremes! The littleness shit can make me freak out for days And these people ask me questions on the phone and determine my fate from my answers? WTF? Again? You know they are calling many people per day. But, But, But, they don’t have to treat you like a piece of shit when you do talk live?


You don’t know what these meds do to you! I took my night to get up early to see my daughter. For some strange reason I woke up a few hours later and it was dark and I thought I didn’t take my dark meds and took them again but it was too late; I was completely awake!


You don’t know when it will happen. You don’t know who will say what? But sometimes a small phrase will be the ultimate!!! No, I’m not eating anything special. Anyone can do it when they piece the puzzle together. I am demonstrably ignorant of what they pulled on me but I can’t see it any other way now!


I still don’t know what day it is. Now I know because I looked! It’s wicked early Mundee if you haven’t guessed my accent. I bought radishes but they are pretty spicy.


Of course I’m not imagining the pearly gates. lol I could barely spell it! It’s just what am I in line for? 43 best schizophrenic in the world? Wouldn’t that be weird if I did push that shit on you? The DSM? Do you feel like being diagnosed? There is definitely a medication for it! They tell you, you are better for it!

One Lump or Two?

Heart colored pencils

I met this chick on OkStupid back when it was a free, fully functional dating site. Back then there was no paying for extra features. What the hell? I had been divorced a number of years. It was back when I used to fall into the text trap. She got my number and it was texting from the moment she woke up until the minute she went to sleep. I just can’t do that and I’ve found out it is a major red flag. Whatever… We got along talking fine and I only had to wait several days to meet her in person. The weird thing I remember about her was her saying we were very similar. I was on disability for a mental illness and she had a young son with autism. No. You should be paying attention to your son instead of texting me all day and night.


I lived up north with my brother and she lived down south with her parents but she was very interested in meeting me. There was not much to do where I lived so I said I would drive down to meet her in the “big city.” This story is so old it is pre GPS! I had to print out MapQuest directions to find the bar where we were supposed to meet. It was no problem. I come from the age of huge folding paper maps. She knew the place and we both liked to play pool. And have a couple drinks. I taught the bartender how to make Cousin’ B’s Lemonade. My namesake.

We started with our drinks and a couple games of pool. She was horrible. So I made her a bet. I said I could beat her 10 games in a row and she could choose what I win. Two drinks later she was 10 games in the hole and deep in debt. I asked her how she would like to pay.

Well. She totally fucking surprised me! She had me pay the bill and took me out to her mini-van. She grew up in the city and I had only visited the outskirts a few times. She parked down by the river that ran through the middle of town. We got out and she wanted to kiss but I was feeling stupid because we were like two kids outside in the middle of the night. She said wait a minute, I want to take you somewhere.

We piled into the mini-van and went roving. She drove me out of the city and showed me her parent’s house for some reason. She didn’t show it to me, we drove by and she pointed it out. Then next thing I know we are on the outskirts of town and she takes a turn down a wooded dirt road. We talked and it seemed like she drove on forever. I quickly figured out where we were. We were on the back road to her old high school’s baseball fields. She parked and told me she wanted to “pay up.” It turns out my billiards proficiency had earned me a nice blowjob in the mini-van! Then she drove me back to the bar and my car where I left for home.

I lived 40 miles north of her when we met and I was in the process of moving 40 miles east of her after the bet. I don’t know, it all happened within a week or so. I was in my new apartment with a television on the floor but happy as hell to be away from my brother’s house. It was pretty poor house over here. I had lawn furniture in my living room my mom had given me. I technically lived here but I hadn’t yet “moved in.”

I was sitting here one night after not hearing from her in a bit and I got a random text message from her. It said,” Does your new apartment have one bedroom or two?” If we were having a conversation I wouldn’t have thought anything of it. I answered back,” one” but I was thinking JC this woman wants to move in with me and her 4 year old kid based on a bj in the back of a mini-van! That just wasn’t happening! I don’t care how good a bj is?

She stopped talking to me after I said I only had one bedroom.

Initializing

My resolution was to stop writing here! It looks like I could only make it two days. I actually only wanted to keep everyone in suspense. All my writing about saying, fuck it and getting drunk on the holiday must have had some wondering. The main thing that stopped me was the thought of a hangover. The older I get the more hungover I get and I didn’t want that. I would have to be very committed.

I would have had an uneventful night except for seeing the Time Square celebration in NY. There was no crowd! The few people there had masks and were 6 feet apart sitting in little cubicles. Imagine going there and they make you sit there dressed in their Planet Fitness attire a mile away from the action? And then they have you outnumbered by matching, inflatable crazy arm waving Planet Fitness people. It was so funny I had to text everyone about it. Texting jokes about what was on television made up the majority of my New Year night.

I never thought Times Square would be a fun place to be on NYE anyway but this time it looked worse. I always thought I would hate being crammed in with the crowds. Now I think I would hate being outnumbered by performers and cameras and still not being able to see any of the action. I hope those spectators were paid instead of paying!

The mask rules seemed arbitrary like they do everywhere else on television events. If you were in the band you had to wear a mask. Unless you were a singer, then no mask as you forcefully aspirated over the microphone? We got a good laugh at Seacrest’s lack of hair and makeup. It must be by choice because everyone else looked pretty good. And what was with the interviews? He had to wear a mask? He didn’t have to wear a mask? Some other guy had a huge microphone covered in fur on a 6 foot stick shoved in the interveiwee’s face. Like, where are you from? Ima fmufflemmufflemuffel! Oh! Fantastic!

I did want to get drunk, purely out of spite. I was so pissed off heading into the holiday. Professionals I trusted and I was completely open and honest with have been lying to me and playing dumb for the past 5 years! They don’t care about helping me. Their main concern is I keep taking their meds for the rest of my life. My new resolution is to keep pushing the “I’m cured” theory and ask them to debunk it. Why am I taking these medications for years if they aren’t making me better?

Okay, I broke another promise. I did write Wednesday and schedule for tomorrow. But, technically that was written last year and you have no idea when I wrote this. I may have scheduled a full year of posts and keep my promise not to write on here at all! What do you think?

The Witching Hour

Monday

12/28/20: I just rage walked to the pharmacy. I was forced to go and it was a close call I might get rained on. The reason I had to walk on this particular day is because you can only pick up controlled meds one day in advance. Even though mine won’t kill me. While I was there though, they gave me 3 more months worth of another med that can kill me. Do you think they warned me not to take too much?

I say rage walked because that is usually what I do while I am walking down the street. I scream at everyone who has wronged me. It doesn’t matter; Nobody can hear me, they have their windows rolled up. For all they know I am probably singing along with my iTunes. It’s cathartic. It takes about an hour to walk to and from the pharmacy. By then I have yelled at everyone I know. I feel calmer now than most days at 2pm. It was satisfying to only feel 2 raindrops on my face as I stuck my key in the door.


I used to have a friend who lived 2 miles away over the border where it is recreational but sitting in her car in my state for the same thing could land her in jail.


Dude! For like ten minutes I was totally going to get wasted! I wanted to get two big bottles of red wine. I don’t even drink wine. I do sometimes but it would be rare. I do like red though. Higher alcohol content! Then it just went away…

Wednesday 12/30/2020:

I am spending the holidays alone so I took a quick look at the hook up site on Christmas and just this morning. JFC! These guys don’t change a thing. They just keep trying with the same shit they post everyday. They don’t even acknowledge it is Christmas or New Year’s Eve coming up. What cracks me is the married guys. That’s right. After a year of searching, Christmas day is the day you are going to find another married woman to help you cheat on your wife! (Did your husband take his phone into the bathroom Christmas morning?) NYE is tomorrow and I haven’t seen one mention of it. Just copy and paste ads from the same men who have no luck every day…


I’ve really been thinking of tying one on tomorrow night and starting off the New Year hungover! If the store I can walk to sells champagne I think I will. It popped (no pun intended) into my head last week but I wasn’t really serious about it. But now I think, what am I going to do? Sit here and watch awful music on television and see the ball drop? I will if I can get my girlfriends to come over but they were just here last night and one of them has kids so they will probably stay home.


Yeah, my girlfriends are staying home so I probably won’t get drunk. It’s just stuck in my head. It’s my second favorite holiday next to the 4th of July. Even though I don’t think the change to a new year is something special.

Lol. I just saw the sobriety blog I follow gearing up to get people to try “Dry January.” I guess it’s okay if I stop drinking before midnight tomorrow? Let’s hope it goes better than “Dry July”, where the people who run the blog apparently relapsed the last week of the month and stopped posting tips and stories about being sober! I stayed sober in July. I’m relentless!


I’ve done some cat fishing but do you want to know who answers me most often when I am obviously looking to meet a woman? I’ll tell you right now. Your husband! This is a typical reply I will get: “50’s MWM, 6’2″ 250lbs want to be your submissive little cocksucking slut!” First of all; What? I’m 5’10” 200, how is that even supposed to work? A lot of the time they send me an unsolicited picture of themselves wearing their wive’s underwear. It is usually too small as their hairy chest is too broad to snap the bra. Being married is the first thing they mention. I’ve teased them and it is because married men can’t be out sucking everyone off. But how can that be true if they are offering to suck off any random stranger on the internet?

The last guy who answered me had a copy and paste form letter he sent out to all the straight guys. (All the gay guys aren’t looking for each other because it’s STD dangerous, I guess) He said he was 50, bottom, submissive, likes to wear panties and masculine. (I guess?) What did he think would turn me on about that description? (he went on about what a nice guy and fun he was) The total opposite of what I was looking for. I don’t care what you do but what are you trying to do? Turn me? I sent back a message saying I thought you were BORN gay? Now it’s a CHOICE? I went off on him but not too much. He came back with a picture of his dick and all caps saying he had that up my mother’s ass last night! (So much for nice, fun guy) But WTF? Just because a big hairy guy is wearing lace doesn’t make him attractive to me. Are straight women answering gay guy’s ads trying to turn them?

I’m just going off because that was my last interaction on a dating site. I don’t know what these guys are thinking they can get laid during the holiday season. Everyone is home with their wife and kids. Nobody is going to get a babysitter and go out and fuck you Christmas or New Year’s.

Lol, I just got laid last night. I don’t even know what I’m talking about? It worked out great! The night before I made my sex playlist on my iPad. Which is basically all the songs I never got out of my chair to hit skip on my ancient iPod Classic. I have excellent taste in music. Last time I was in a bar they had an internet connected juke box and I played the shit out of that mother fucker! People used to listening to Irish jigs were like, “Wow! Who played this song? I love it!” Every time it was me because I was the only one putting any money into the machine. I can rock a place old or new, usually both at the same time! Ah good times… That was the last time I was manic and publicly drunk.

Sabbath Bloody Sabbath!

Saturday

12/26/20: I follow a Qanon guy who pretends he discovered all of the conspiracies himself. He says he does his “research.” He’s always putting 2 and 2 together and expecting people to come up with 5. Before he got on a plane to fly to Texas and back he said, “The media can’t stop Christmas!” I wasn’t aware the media was trying to stop Christmas. Everything I saw on television since Thanksgiving was advertisements to buy gifts or some Christmas themed show. The president ruined my Christmas by slowing down the post office in a failed attempt to sway the election. I was a good little consumer and ordered presents for my daughter a month early. None of them arrived yet. I have always been a big fan of the USPS. For 50 cents I could send important paperwork 3,000 miles across the country and it would arrive in 2 days. So why is it taking months now? What changed?

“Media stopping Christmas guy” also blogged about how masks are MORE likely to make you sick. Thanks. I don’t get to see any other living humans, especially family for the holidays. Last spring I did everything asked of me. I stayed home when I could. I wore a mask everywhere I went. For 3 months! So why is it worse now?


One of the companies I ordered from used a private shipping firm. The package got stuck in Pennsylvania (a battleground election state) for a week before I got notice it was sent out last Saturday. It was sent out but it’s been 7 days and it hasn’t been seen since. Pennsylvania is only one day drive in a truck.

It doesn’t matter where you are on the planet, the USPS already knows how to deliver to you. No other company wants to do that, no other company can do that. So why was the post office kneecapped?


Last year I got a text on Christmas, said, it’s Lisa, how are you? I’m like, ??? Lisa? That was a very popular name 35- 45 years ago??? Good thanks. How have you been? She said, Horrible. Who text someone you don’t know on Christmas to say life sucks? I figured out which Lisa it was. She told me talking to another person while you are in a relationship is like emotional cheating. I remember I asked her if you weren’t supposed to talk to friends you had before you got into the relationship? Christmas last year, her boyfriend half dumped her. He said he didn’t want to be a couple but he still wanted to do “what couples do”. She went with it. I guess I came in as the guy she wanted to do the “dating” part of being a couple and go home and have sex with him? The person she is/isn’t in a relationship with? Is that emotional cheating? I remember her as one of the Lisas in my contacts. But I took her out. How long do you leave a name in there if you barely even texted before?


Maybe that broad bailed when she saw my apartment looked like a schizophrenic lives here? I can put something down and it won’t ever move again! I don’t mean I’m a hoarder but there is a lot of shit just sitting around. Wow! I should send out pictures of my apartment! Now that I look around that does seem plausible.

Sunday

It’s Sunday morning and I have almost made it through another holiday weekend. Congratulations, me! Congratulations to my beard too. I was going to get rid of it but it’s growing on me. lol My beard, it’s growing on me.

I tried to get a selfie of my cat sleeping with me this morning. But only my big fat head or his big fat catness would fit in the camera lens. I chose his big fat cat ass to send out to my mom and daughter.

My daughter’s half brother tested negative for Covid! They got the results yesterday so that was a nice gift. I will probably get to visit later this week. Her boyfriend is going to be there tomorrow. I was surprised she told me herself. It is the first time she has acknowledged his existence to me in the past 6 or more months. I met him once back when they were both in middle school. We were all riding together to a talent show at the high school. They were just friends back then. The only thing I remember about him was thinking that he seemed like a genuinely good person. Not that I had a clue he would be hanging out with my daughter in high school but if I did know I would have approved. I already knew she had a good judge of character. I wonder if that is genetic? Both her mom and I are that way.

It’s only Sunday morning and I’m not sure how I feel. My first sip of coffee tasted good without mishaps. I did have a screaming match with my keyboard over a typo. I think I won but maybe not. I just had a typo typing the word typo. (say that 5 times fast)

Bottoms Up!

I didn’t think about it until last night. I wasn’t worried about drinking on Christmas but then New Year’s Eve popped into my head. It is the only time I would drink champagne but I love champagne! That’s going to be a huge trigger! The holiday falls on Friday night of a three day weekend and it’s a traditional celebration (party) for me. If I drank wine it would be bad news. It goes down so sweet and fast. I would quickly be more drunk than intended. It’s like those people who only have 2 glasses. They chug them so they get that quick hit of high blood alcohol concentration. Then it goes away in an hour but they like it because in addition they get that leftover feel good that comes after good laughing.


All I wanted to do is leave a message for my therapist telling her to call me back AFTER Christmas to reschedule tomorrow’s appointment. She called me anyway. I don’t know why because she is not available until January. I don’t know why she thought anything had changed since last Friday when I was yelling at her the whole time. I definitely don’t want to talk to her and get pissed off right before Christmas when I’m not able to visit my daughter. Did she think I wanted to calmly discuss it after nothing had been resolved? I was even more angry after talking to her. Excuse me, I wasn’t angry. I was livid.

Thursday

I follow a sobriety blog because they did a “Dry July” and posted twice a day articles from people who are sober. But they didn’t finish the month because (I think) the person organizing it relapsed at the end of the month. They didn’t post again until the 2nd week of August. They are a blog trying to get you to join their alcohol free “community.” I don’t do that but I read them once in a while when they post. Today they posted something about 15 years in the title. I was thinking, finally someone with some time under their belt. But the first line said, “I can count on one hand the number of sober Christmas’ I’ve had in the past fifteen years… Two.” That wasn’t very encouraging. My aunt quit forty years ago with no outside help. I was hoping to read about how someone stayed sober for years. Why would I join their community if I have been sober longer than they have?


I saw my daughter today! Well, part of her. She was wearing a mask. They gave me a ride to the grocery store and saved my Christmas! I mortgaged my future and bought steak for tonight and tomorrow on my credit card. That’s not all I got but it made me feel better. They brought my new speakers so I got the bass line bumpin’! I had to go with no sleep but it was worth seeing people today.

I had to walk to get my hair cut. It’s about a mile each way. They didn’t plow the sidewalks for some reason. The town has a driving snowthrower designed for it and we had about a foot of snow last week. I had to walk on the edge of the road and hear people hammer on the gas as they came up behind me. This town isn’t very pedestrian friendly. It was worth it though. My hair was out of control because this was the first warm walking weather we’ve had in a long time. I wanted to look good for Christmas even though I am going to be alone. It gives me a boost. I don’t know why. It will probably be too long again the next time I see an actual person.

Angry, lonely, bored and holiday season. I have all the ingredients for a big drinking session. I really don’t think I will succumb but wish me luck.


Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays or hopefully you have some vacation days. Whatever you celebrate. Have fun!