Would have thought?

I have anxiety from thinking of a million different reasons why my anxiety suddenly got worse. The simplest explanation is my anxiety did not suddenly get worse. It’s always been horrible so could I please shut the fuck up about it?

They all tell you it’s the anxiety that makes you drink. I can handle the anxiety. It’s the pain. Oh my god, the fucking pain. I almost forgot. I really wasn’t expecting that today.

The first time I got a good therapist, she was certain I had PTSD from my childhood. I didn’t even tell her half the shit! I haven’t talked about it since. I don’t think she was right. I didn’t know. I thought everything was normal. I thought everyone grew up like that.

Lately I’ve been putting myself on a tight schedule. I don’t have to do everything at the same time every day. But in the morning I line the day up. I set start times for everything. I don’t have a set limit for finishing but starting is exact. I usually pick the beginning of an hour. Not 5 minutes before. Not 2 minutes after. I’m usually pretty good at it and if I miss I’ll usually slide down to the next round number on the clock.

Coffee and breakfast is routine when I wake up. I keep times for that. Today was lunch at noon, exercise at 1 and check the mail at 2:30. That would be after the mailman came and I could get the whole week at once because I’ve been fucking up and not setting a time for mail.

I hit lunch fine and 1 was looking pretty good. I was waiting and N___ texted me and said she would help get me to the vax if I signed up. I told her I’ve been thinking of it but I can’t figure out where to start. She told me and it was very easy. I have an appt. for my first shot on April 20. It should have been easy but by the time I was done I was slipping. It was after 1 and I could just change my time to exercise but it wasn’t looking good. That’s okay, I’ve been pretty rigid with that. Even if I’m not wanting to do it, if can get it started on the hour I can finish. It makes me feel better because I breathe as slowly and deeply as possible and hold my form and match my movement to my breath.

2:30 mail call was a joke. Perhaps I was being a bit optimistic. By that time I had myself restrained in my bedroom, totally losing my shit. That’s usually reserved for 3pm. Leaving my apartment was not a good idea. It is 7 now and I am feeling better. Comparatively. Not go downstairs and check the mail better. Now I know and that will be a first thing tomorrow objective. (Hopefully I’ve already done it today because I am scheduling this for tomorrow; Sunday)

My last therapist was always telling me to “stay in the moment.” What if the moment sucks so bad you will do anything to get out of the moment? Stay in the moment… What is that supposed to mean? She’s too young to be a hippie. Mindfulness bullshit. Even when I do a guided mindful exercise, I’m doing it to concentrate on anything but the moment. I’m doing it right now. Writing helps me focus my thoughts. Even when I’m writing about my horrible day, I’m really thinking about the writing. Back when I was “in the moment,” This would have been impossible.

Invictus

Robot Brain

Monday: I am so fucking manic! My brain is flying. I’ve been running my mouth non stop for a month. I had a revelation last night. Since I quit that medication I’ve been rehearsing talking to my doctor over and over. I’m getting myself all worked up. I want to express to him how angry I am fro prescribing that to me. Last night I realized getting all hyped up and yelling about how much better I feel since stopping the med probably wouldn’t sound very convincing. I’m still talking out loud to him but now I am catching myself whenever I get upset and starting the conversation over. I need to stick to the basics. Tell him what side effects made me quit the med. Tell him about the side effects I didn’t realize were side effects until I quit the med and they disappeared. How much better I feel now that all the side effects are gone. Done. I’ve been practicing all morning and stopping myself when I start getting faster or louder or sounding a little bit angry. I need to be as calm as possible. I guarantee he is going to say, I really wish you didn’t do that, you can’t just stop medications like that. Then he is going to try to get me to start a new medication. I will politely refuse. That’s how I hope it will go. We’ll see.

Wednesday: I got the fear yesterday. I’m afraid to tell him I stopped. He can’t force me to take it can he? I mean, if I tell him I feel a lot better since I stopped taking it will he still try to get me to take it. I don’t know what to do. I can’t just pick it up at the pharmacy and throw it in the trash. Now I have 3 hours to figure it out.


I feel much better after talking to my doctor. All month long I was thinking about how I was going to tell him everything but I stuck to the one strangest thing. Every morning I was raging out for 4 hours and couldn’t figure it out. Then I quit the med and haven’t even come close to losing my temper since. It disappeared the day after I stopped the med. I thought he was going to be against it but he said he is glad I figured it out because it was the best I’ve sounded in months. My anxiety dropped a few notches because now I can stop having the conversation out loud over and over. I’m so glad I caught myself a few days ago and didn’t yell at him. I just told him about the one thing I was surprised and happy about. I didn’t try to tell him about any other side effects. I wouldn’t have had time anyway. I only get to talk to him for 5 minutes he has so many patients.

Thursday: He said I sound much better but he didn’t know I spent the previous 3 hours preparing for a 5 minute phone call. Stopping myself every time my voice got faster or louder, every time I strayed from the main topic. By the time he called me I had it honed and ready. The call lasted about 10 minutes because he also talked. I hadn’t planned for that. Of course he was going to ask questions and have responses. The first couple times I caught myself talking over him because my pressure to speak is so intense. I’m doing it right now and I’m just sitting here alone. It goes all day. It was an exercise in restraint to just let him talk. For a couple days my paranoia was so bad I was wavering on even telling him I stopped the medication. I knew all my fears were irrational but that didn’t stop them. It came down to the moment the phone rang to decide if I was going to follow through or blow up the whole thing.

Friday: This isn’t the good kind of mania where life seems fantastic no matter how objectively shitty it may be. My life is going pretty well. I would be the main problem right now. I’m agitated, nothing moves fast enough for me. I’m trying to get everything done at the same time. It’s impossible but I’m going to try. Meanwhile I forget important things I should be doing. And my brain. Just stop with the brain already! It’s early in the day but I have to put the brakes on again. Just stop everything before I spin out of control. I’ve had myself on lockdown for the past few weeks. See my daughter if I can, get food for the week, then nothing but meds, meals and sleep. I’m still getting sleep. That’s my barometer.

Saturday: Occam’s razor

Did you feel that?

Heart colored pencils

I met this broad on one of the dating sites during a time I was very active. We emailed for a bit but she didn’t want to trade numbers so I had a hard time gauging her interest. That didn’t matter to me. I didn’t have to meet everyone. Everyone was interesting to me at the time and if they were still talking to me I was still answering. She only emailed periodically. I figured it was only when she got bored. We would go back and forth for a bit and she would disappear again. We never got personal or shared many details. Well, she didn’t. All of my emails to anyone were very expansive. I couldn’t shut up. She knew a lot more about me than I knew about her. She did tell me she was also on disability for a mental illness. I attract people with mental illness. I don’t know why. It’s not like I am advertising for it. I didn’t keep my illness a secret but I didn’t come out with it until it came up in conversation. I do talk to a much higher percentage of people with mental illness than I think is statistically average.

We emailed for a good amount of time but I was sure that was as far as we were going. Then one night she surprised me. She asked me what I was doing and when I said I was talking to her. She told me to meet her at Appleby’s later that night. It’s a crappy chain restaurant but it sounded better than sitting at home.

I took a shower, got dressed and drove to the restaurant in the bordering town. When I walked in there was only one person there; the bartender. Oh well, at least I would be easy to find when she got there. I sat down, ordered a drink and talked to the bartender. I finished my drink and she still hadn’t showed. I told the bartender I thought I just got stood up and said fuck it I might as well eat something. I think I ordered a quesadilla. It was pretty good.

I drove home wondering why she would do that. When I got home I had an email from her asking why I never showed up. I thought she was joking and I told her what I had been doing for the past hour. She said no, I’m sitting here waiting for you in Concord. That was a key piece of information she could have shared the first time. I thought it was weird. I knew where she lived. She had to drive fifteen minutes to go through my town, coming within a mile of my house. Then she had to continue down the same road I had just driven twice; get on the highway a mile before she reached the restaurant I was sitting in and drive another twenty miles to Concord. How was I supposed to guess that.

I said whatever and drove down to Concord to meet her. This restaurant was crowded but we got a booth. She seemed nice enough and we had easy conversation but nothing was really going on. I still didn’t know much more about her by the time the check arrived. I was ready to call it a night but she slid down to the other end of the booth and told me to do the same. She cleared the table between us and put her hands palms up. She told me to put my hands on hers. She didn’t say anything and just sat there staring me directly in the eye. I was thinking, what the hell is this broad doing. Finally she broke the silence and asked, “Did you feel that?” I was completely confused. What was I supposed feel? I felt her hands under mine. I said, “What?” She smiled and said, “Sparks”

FRANKIE SAYS RELAX

Robot Brain

Tuesday: My daughter picked me up and drove me home in her car. She was so excited! In the morning her mother was in the car and they both stress each other out. I was getting nervous. Her mom would jump on her for making a mistake and it would make my daughter so nervous she couldn’t think straight and start doing the opposite of what she should do, which made her mom get more upset. It was a vicious circle. On the way home it was just her step father and I and we just let her drive and she did everything perfectly. She is going to be fine.

I lost another 5 pounds. That makes 15 since I stopped that horror show medication. That is the only change I made and I just started dropping weight. I wasn’t even exercising for 3 weeks because of the withdrawals.

Wednesday: I have 3 weeks left to lose 5 more pounds and meet my challenge. I think it will happen. I’ve been dropping weight fairly quickly since leaving that med behind.

Thursday: I completely missed a day this week. I didn’t change anything. I didn’t blackout. I remember everything I did this week. It just took me until today to realize I’ve been a day behind all week. It’s not like I would think it’s the wrong day for a second and catch myself. All week I thought I knew what day it was and I was wrong. Yesterday (Wednesday) someone told me they were picking me up tomorrow (Thursday) at noon. I went straight to my calendar to write down she was picking me up Wednesday at noon. It took until this morning to look at my calendar and wonder why she didn’t pick me up Wednesday at noon. It’s not like her to not show up and not tell me. I finally sat at my computer still trying to figure it out and Boom! It’s Thursday. I hope I don’t fuck up tomorrow, I have to pay my bills.

Best April Fool joke I know: One of the possible side effects of my anti anxiety medication is anxiety. (Not a joke)

Friday: All month long I’ve been catching myself talking angrily out loud at my doctor. I won’t actually talk to him until next week. I go through all the things I want to say because I am pissed about that medication fucking me up but I stop myself because I am only going to talk to him for 2 minutes on the phone and he isn’t going to give a shit. I have to stop wasting time and energy on this shit.

Saturday: I’ve been practicing yelling at my doctor all morning. I’m trying to give it a rest. I can’t help it. I want to ask him how many times I told him, no, I don’t want to change any of my medications. Because I know how many times. Every time I went into his fucking office. I remember because I made a point of saying it every time. It didn’t matter how messed up I was, no, I don’t want to change any of my medications. Because for the first time since they started putting me on meds I had no side effects. I wasn’t even fat anymore. I wasn’t doing great but I was doing well enough and I had no side effects. I still can’t figure out how the fuck he talked me into starting a new drug.

Stupified

Heart colored pencils

I haven’t tried to hook up with anyone online since November. I wasn’t even trying to hook up in February when someone from forever ago looked me up. I wasn’t going to last night because it was late night at the end of the weekend and the chance of meeting someone was zero.

A___ came over Saturday and it was good but she wanted me to finish before I was ready because she had to go home. Usually after I see her I don’t think about sex for a week but I was all charged up. It didn’t matter, there was nothing I could do about it. That part of my brain that causes a sex binge clicked on.

I still wasn’t going to do anything, like I said, Sunday night. But I had the impulse and decided to go online. If I hadn’t followed that impulse at that exact moment none of this would have happened. Within 10 minutes I was talking to a woman and got her number and texted until about 2 in the morning. Not only did I talk to someone when the chances were nil, she lives about 20 minutes away but she spends 2 hours every afternoon in my little town with nothing to do. We made plans to meet today.

Today came and we texted in the morning while we waited for the afternoon. She came across great in writing and I came across great in writing but when she showed up, boom! We are both schizophrenics! She didn’t tell me she was diagnosed, that is just my personal blanket diagnosis when I meet someone who acts and does exactly like me. JFC… How do I meet people like this so many times? Was she wondering the same thing. It does happen all the time to me. I bet I have been friends with more schizophrenics than anyone and I never joined a support group or anything.

Needless to say we made each other both nervous. From downstairs, up the elevator, down the hall and into my living room she was on her phone. Texting, showing me pictures from her home security cam, showing me pictures of her deer hunting cams. This little tiny girl not even 5 feet tall likes killing deer so much she sets out cameras in the woods to track them. She was on her phone telling me three things at once and one of them was this person keeps texting but as long as she texts back it is fine. So she texted back.

We were in my room and she was acting really nervous but she took off her clothes and got into my bed first so I did the same. I thought it was time but she turned away from me and went to her phone. That was weird but she turned open towards me again. Okay. Then back to her phone. I felt weird and my brain kicked into overdrive. Does she even want to be here? Is she only going to text? Am I making her do something she doesn’t want to do? I don’t want to do that. If she doesn’t want to do anything why is she lying open in front of me in a position to start doing something? My brain won’t stop asking stupid questions. Of course she wants to do something. At this point it would be weird if I didn’t reach out and touch her. She was either going to pull away or not and she didn’t so it started to go well.

Then she turned completely away to her phone again and I’m like, are we done? What just happened. And she pushed her back against me and we started again but my mind still won’t stop with all the questions from before. Does she want to leave? But also, Of course she doesn’t want to leave. We are really going at it and both having a great time. It’s not like in the movies. There is a certain noise and she is making that noise, making that noise and making more of that noise. Suddenly she’s not making any noise because she can’t breath for a few seconds. She made the ugly face too. The face you can only make if you have ugly face orgasms. All the signs of someone really enjoying themselves so why do I keep wondering if she is enjoying herself?

I’m calling myself stupid because I can’t get all these thoughts out of my head. But I’m also really enjoying myself. Like, we were having great sex but I couldn’t realize it. Then I couldn’t support myself anymore and was sweating from doing all the work so I backed off for a second. I think she thought I was done. She went to the edge of the bed and grabbed her phone again. She said she had to keep texting but I didn’t know she meant constantly. She stopped and started telling me stories about people I had no idea who they are. She didn’t have any of the nervousness from before. I guess she was done because she thought I was done but I wasn’t done but it was too late because we were in wrap up time. I thought it was too soon to be done.

She was definitely manic sitting on the edge of the bed putting on her clothes, telling me stories, texting, showing me the deer camera, is that a coyote? It’s too big to be a fox. All at the same time. I’m confused, My mind is still stuck on earlier time even though she is relaxed now. We are definitely done. I don’t want to be done but it is tough when one of you is fully dressed. I got dressed and brought her down to her truck. My building is huge and people get lost. Everything looks the same.

We were talking pleasantly for a few in the parking lot and she said, so, I guess I’ll message you. I didn’t get a good feeling about that and she left. I still had the question of did she enjoy herself. Yes, she did part of the time but was the whole experience enjoyable overall? I waited a while and couldn’t help myself, I texted, thanks for coming by, I liked you. She said she had a good time and I said me too. Then I deleted her number from my phone and deleted the emails where she gave me her number. I don’t want to be tempted to be stupid one night and bother her if she doesn’t want to be bothered by me. I have a feeling she will contact me again. I don’t go very long without having another schizophrenic in my life.

Oh, I’m not like that, he he.

Heart colored pencils

When I first had to start dating again it was the beginning of the texting revolution. I had never talked to anyone that way before. But I buckled down and joined the 21st century, buying a phone with a full keyboard. I had no idea what I was in for.

At first I thought it was great. I had phone numbers from multiple women and it was fun texting all the time. But texting all the time was the problem because these women wanted to text, ALL the fucking time! First thing in the morning, all day, until they went to bed, again the next day and the next day.

I couldn’t figure out what was going on. Someone would text for hours and I would ask, “What are you doing?” and they would tell me they are at work. What was their job? Texting me? Yes. They were getting paid to text me all day. Not just a text here and there when they got a break. They could text me faster than I could text them back. That was my problem because when I was new to texting I felt compelled to answer someone as soon as I heard my phone beep. Another thing I found was women who only texted me when they weren’t available. Text, text, text. Me, “What are you doing?” “Oh, I’m at work.” “Oh, I’m at home with my kids.” I’m thinking for chrissakes, what are you doing? Spend some fucking time with your kids. I found that to be the worst. It was endless texting and I never got to meet anyone.

Another disturbing thing that happened a lot, like, a lot, was the fear of abandonment. I’d be text, text, text, get hungry, make myself some food, maybe take a shower, drive down to the corner store and buy some energy drinks. Anything. Just everyday things. I would come back 20 minutes later and my phone was blown up! “Where are you?” “What’s wrong?” “Was it something I said?” “Are you mad at me?” Different women, same four questions. That was too much for me and would be the end of the texting relationship. Not only is it, JC could you be a little more needy please? It’s also a form of controlling behavior. They want all your attention, all the time. I had enough. I developing PTSD from the sound of my phone beeping.

It got so bad I would be emailing chicks and they would ask if I wanted to text and I would say, no, I don’t text and tell them why. They would say, “Oh, I’m not like that, he he… ” Oh, a few days later they were most definitely like that. I probably missed out on a lot of good dates because I wouldn’t text. I don’t know. I would say I have no problem calling and talking on the phone at night if you want. Most people did not want to do that. I didn’t get it because way back when I started “dating” that is what people did. Now you have to text back and forth for four hours to say what you could say in a half hour phone call.

It was the novelty of it that first got me to fall into the “text trap”. Now I am more rational about it. I don’t feel compelled to answer right away if it’s not important. I bail when I realize a woman is only texting me when she is at work or with her kids. Then she gets a free night and I don’t hear from her? See you later.

Now my favorite text to get is, “I just got out of the shower see you in 45 minutes.”

Road to Redemption

Sunday March 21/21: I can’t believe it! I got 8 hours of sleep last night! I hope that is the end of the 3 weeks of withdrawal from that stupid medication.

Tuesday: Gawd! Yesterday I couldn’t function. It comes and goes, but so do my regular symptoms so I don’t know which way is up! Today I am up way early but I unexpectedly fell asleep at 8pm and woke up around midnight to take the rest of my meds. 8pm is unheard of for me. I usually go to bed around 2am at the earliest if I am bored and it is always planned. We are having a string of spring temperatures and I opened the window as soon as I woke up. My cat has no idea what is going on. I haven’t slept 10 hours in 1 night since I got him 8 years ago!

I haven’t mentioned the name of the anti-psychotic I stopped taking that has given me so much trouble. That is because I know some side effects are different for each individual and I don’t want to scare anyone into stopping theirs suddenly. That is never a good idea! I did it because I have so much of it left and it starts acting in 1 day. If I had more severe symptoms I hope I would have had the wherewithal to start taking it again. The withdrawal was bad enough I would think about taking 1 just to get a 1 day break. I resisted so I wouldn’t have to start quitting from day 1 again. If anyone really wants to know what medication it is you can email me.

Last week I had a good day and put together a slide show to use for my next YouTube video. Now I have to narrate it and that is where it gets difficult for me. On my first short video I just did it on the fly but it was only 90 seconds long. On this next one I will have to talk for 5 minutes and I want to sound coherent without any uh’s and um’s. I’m not sure how to do it. I thought of typing something out but how would I know how much typing equals 5 minutes of speaking? Another problem is I don’t have much confidence in my voice. It doesn’t help I have a heavy Boston accent. I’ve been told many times I have a great voice on the phone but I’m not sure if that is a nice way of saying I’m ugly.

Wednesday: Quixotic. I’m suicidal but I treat my body like I want to live forever.

Thursday: I had a yeah! wake up this morning. I wanted to do everything even before I had my first cup of coffee. It was pouring rain and I couldn’t go outside but that didn’t bother me. Well, I could go outside but… I want to ride my bike. We had 2 nice Spring days but I didn’t feel like getting it ready. Then I really wanted to go but the weather turned.

Friday: I finally did something right! I bought my daughter “Villians” by Queens of the Stone Age on vinyl. It was funny because I just texted her yesterday saying the next thing she gets in the mail with my name on it is for her and it would probably come tomorrow. (Today) An hour later her mom texted me a picture of her holding it up looking happy. Her mom said she was pumped. I like to surprise her so I was happy.

A funnier story is I ordered her a single from Royal Blood way back at Thanksgiving. February came and she never said she got it. I emailed the company and they said they would send another copy. I waited a couple weeks and didn’t hear anything so I was like, Fuck it, I’ll just buy it again. The last time I was at her house she said something about buying the Royal Blood single and she didn’t know why she kept getting copies. In one week she received the original one I ordered back in November, the one she bought, the one the company replaced for me and the second one I bought because I was sick of waiting for her to get it! Four copies! She had so many she gave one to her boyfriend. I don’t know, I thought it was funny.

Saturday: I give my daughter shit about being a hipster for liking vinyl records. But I get it. I used to buy a new vinyl every week when I got paid at my little kid job. It’s a whole experience. It’s much more fun than listening to songs by pushing a button on your phone. It’s physical. You can pick it up and look at it. You have the artwork on the outside; more exclusive artwork on the inside if it is a double album. Maybe the lyrics are printed. Maybe there is a little booklet with pictures of your favorite band. The record player is a pretty cool piece of technology from ancient times. I never imagined vinyl would make such a comeback. I’m glad she likes it. She gets so excited when she gets an new album. She is really into it. Some bands she won’t even listen to their new songs until she gets it on vinyl. Weirdo.

Lisa, Lisa, Lisa!

Heart colored pencils

Three days after Christmas I got a text, “How was your Xmas? ~Lisa” I checked my contacts. I had three Lisa’s. Each one only had a last initial, that was no help. It wasn’t the Lisa I remembered texting for a long time but never met. Besides, I hadn’t heard from her in at least two years. That narrowed it down to two Lisa’s but I still had no clue who it could be. To tell the truth, it must have been the most popular name around the time I was born because at least half the women I had ever texted in my life were named Lisa. I took a shot in the dark, “Good, you?” “Horrible, my boyfriend broke up with me.” Great. Who is texting me a casual, “How was your Xmas?” Only to immediately dump bad news on me? It didn’t help either because I don’t mess with women who have boyfriends so I had no idea who would be getting dumped on the holidays.

I should have said, “I have no idea who this is” but I didn’t want to insult someone because I have a bad memory. Also I am always curious. I said, “I’m sorry to hear that.” We went back and forth a few times and it clicked. We had texted for a very short time the previous summer. The only thing I remembered about her was when I told her I had a woman as a pen pal she said if I was in a relationship that would be “emotional cheating” if I continued. I said if you had a manfreind for years and you got into a relationship would you have to stop talking to that manfriend or would you be “emotional cheating?” She said I guess you’re right. Shortly after that she disappeared. No big deal, happens all the time. We had nothing invested in each other.

During the same conversation she asked me if I wanted to meet after the New Year. I said I would. I was still curious but I think I figured out what was going on. She stopped talking to me because she found a boyfriend and didn’t want to cheat emotionally but he dumped her so it was okay to talk to me again. Whatever. I still didn’t know anything about her.

We set up a time to meet for lunch and met in person. This time she really surprised me when she told me what was going on. I didn’t have a good first impression of her but she was exuberant, talking like we had been best friends for years. Then she dropped it on me. Her boyfriend told her he didn’t want to be a couple anymore but he still wanted to do some things couples did. (Have sex) That was okay with her and that was where I came into the picture. She wanted me to be the part of the couple she went out on fun dates with and then go back to her house where her ex? Boyfriend was waiting to have sex with her.

That really spun my head around! If having a pen pal was emotional cheating, what exactly was she describing? Which one of us would be getting cheated on? I wanted to tell her if anyone was going to be having sex in that situation it would be me but I let her go on. She described the dates we could have. Going to the city for dinners, comedy clubs, museums, etc… I don’t know. It didn’t sound like I could afford to be her asexual boyfriend. I was non-committal and we parted ways after lunch. I thought that would be it.

I got home and thought, that was a new one. Isn’t that why women get a gay best friend? I thought that would be the end of it but in the middle of the next week she texted me again. She asked if I wanted to go out tonight? I told her, “I don’t know, Wednesday is usually the night I do homemade porn and I didn’t have a partner so it was going to be pretty hard.” She didn’t answer me. I didn’t care. I was confused by the whole thing. Why was she holding me in her back pocket for months as a potential back up “boyfriend?” I didn’t know why she thought I would enjoy going on dates with her when the guy she was dating put a stop to it. And she was having sex with him. All she knew about me was my name in her phone.

Live and Let Die

Monday, March 5, 2021: I am so excited! Yesterday afternoon I got my first hour of real sleep since I quit my medication 2 weeks ago. Before then I was only “sleeping” at night. I was lying in bed. My eyes were closed but my brain was doing things it had never done before and I was fully aware.
Again, it was only an hour but I felt great when I woke up! I was hoping it would continue last night but I spent about 4 hours in that indescribable state. I think it is fading though. I was afraid I would be doing that for the rest of my life.

Tuesday: I did so much yesterday! I finally wrote a new blog piece. I was reminded of it a few weeks ago but I was having a lot of trouble thinking. Yesterday I fired it off in 1 shot with just a couple edits. (It probably shows.) I scheduled it for Sunday and then I started writing this post. I also imported some pictures from my phone and started editing a video. I was having trouble doing much on the computer besides read a few blogs and scroll Twitter for jokes. I was having trouble reading some blogs. I follow a lot of people with mental illness who do journal style posts like this one. I noticed I was skipping over many that were too negative. Then I also realized I have been pretty negative for a long time. People probably do the same thing to me. My first 2 sentences usually aren’t very good click bait. That is the main reason I posted a short positive piece last Saturday.

Today I am not so enthused. I got another hour of good sleep last night. I woke up feeling good but the rest of the night was fitful. My brain felt like it was inside one of those vibrating gravel sorting machines. My cat woke me up by licking my forehead for some reason. Thanks Oliver.

Wednesday: Oh yeah. I lost 10 pounds the first week. The only thing that changed was stopping the med. My appetite went back to normal and I was eating less but you can’t tell me I was eating 10 pounds more of vegetables each week before.

Friday: I’ve been afraid to close my eyes since Tuesday night. They just roll back around in my brain. I did get another hour and a half of sleep last night but then I slipped into whatever it is I still can’t think of a word for it. I’m completely aware of my thoughts but I’m not fully conscious. Now I am afraid this is going to last forever. But Monday and Tuesday during the day I was fine. It just feels permanent while it’s happening. To help things out I had, “Can’t Get You Outta My Head” stuck in my head all night. Not the whole song, just that lyric. Thanks Kylie!

Saturday: I got something more like sleep for a few hours. This is about how well I can function. Let’s see if I can make this work.

What are you worried about?

My daughter drove me home last week. She is still practicing to get her license. She did great. It is only 10 miles but it is the busiest road in the area. She has gained a ton of confidence since the last time I rode with her. She had to swerve around a car that was in both lanes and she had to go around a car that was parked half in the street. Both times she was cautious but not nervous at all. Most importantly, I wasn’t nervous at all. She always had complete control over her mom’s 10 ton SUV. She has her mom’s lead foot but she is cute enough to get out of speeding tickets.