“I am just a worthless liar
I am just an imbecile
I will only complicate you
Trust in me and fall as well
I will find a center in you
I will chew it up and leave
I will work to elevate you
Just enough to bring you down”
I wrote my last post in a total blackout. Everything I wrote was true. I was sober when I went online. I was sober when she was here. I guess what happened after she left wasn’t integral to the story. It is integral to this story.
All through the afternoon while she was here my maniac brain was feasting upon it’s reward. I was so fucking spun. I remember all of that happening. She wanted to go to the beach and get pizza but I didn’t want to be in public looking all daffed out. I don’t know why, I do it every day. I felt bad but I couldn’t think straight. I walked her down to her car and while she was sitting in there with the door open finding it on gps, it felt like a great idea. I also felt like a loser for saying I didn’t want to go before. I told her, I’ll be your gps, I really want to go now. I don’t think she believed me, saying, that’s okay. I said it again, same thing. I really wanted to go but didn’t push it. Two no’s don’t make a yes.
There were no coping skills to use. I don’t remember making the decision to go buy beer. Obviously it was my decision. I have no recollection. How could I black out being totally straight? She drove off… [something, something] I woke up the next morning, walked to the living room, (why do I feel hungover?) Shook the mouse to activate the screen, Fuck! What did I write? Too much detail. Not too bad; I held back. Can’t delete it, everyone has read it. Oh, I’m going to have some horrible comments. People like it? Did they read it? I guess it’s forever enshrined on the internet now.
What else did I do? From the looks of the tabs I had open I was trying to hook up with the entire world…. Didn’t sign up for anything, okay good. huhhhhhg… my texts? Nothing. Thank Jesus! Why do I need more sex? I just had memory bank sex. She is probably coming back next week. What the fuck?
Maybe I should log on to a meeting. “Friends and Family?” whatever. I got something out of it. Not the place to speak up.
Somehow I’m at Panera again; mind still racing; still thinking sex. How did this happen. Why am I sitting here smiling. I am chugging these iced teas. Dehydrated. This broad walking toward me, she’s hot, she’s smiling, she’s smiling at me…. Why? Oh, I’m smiling but not at her. Maybe she is just nice. I raise my eyebrows a bit. Something happened but she is gone behind me. Whatever. Mindfully eating pizza. Look up. Here she comes again; walking towards me, smiling me dead in the eyes. Smile back idiot. Say something idiot! How are you? Great, thanks, how are you. She is gone. I don’t fucking know. The first time I was already looking in her direction but the next time she was already smiling and staring at me before I looked up. If she’s alone I’m going over to say something. I’m not turning all the way around to look. I do need a refill, get up, coming back. Fuck, she is with the other broad that gave me a dirty look earlier. Oh well… What was I expecting to happen? That’s what I said last night and look what happened. No.. go home.
What the fuck is it? Wednesday? Five o’clock? My phone blings… Different sound. I check it. A notification from Tinder? When the fuck did I download Tinder? And I paid for it? I paid for a free app? I know it’s a scam. I got off it 5 years ago when they changed it. Okay, cancel the recurring subscription and delete it. Delete it? I don’t know? Who is on here? Of course, 3,000 scantily clad super models live in my town and just can’t seem to find a date. And I got a message that says “Hola?” She’s the only one that looks real without a professional photography studio quality pic.
“Hola, como esta?” “Muy bien y’tu?” Gotta be some kind of bot. Weird, I ask a question that can’t be answered by a bot and it’s not a bot. Why does she think I speak Spanish? I use up my conversational skills and say “no habla”, She says, “Si” and asks me another question in Spanish. Okay, I pull up Google translate and start translating. Later she tells me she is learning English but says it in Spanish. I reply in Spanish you know I don’t speak? “Si” I guess I am learning Spanish. She isn’t trying to scam me, I’m just curious. She went to bed I did a meeting about urges but I just want to give in, I’m trying but I really just want to give in. I’m getting really depressed. I give in and by a 6 pack. Walking to the store. Fuck it!Fuck it!Fuck it!
What’s is today? Thursday? I don’t think I slept. Now I’m up again. Mind racing! Moving from place to place doing nothing. Pick up my tablet. Meeting? What time is it 9am? It’s almost over. Fuck it I’ll do the next one. Pick up the tablet, log in. They are talking about the issues I have had all summer. Coincidence but not monumental. That’s why everyone is there. Then they are doing Cost/benefit of your addiction. Someone says euphoria, then another says funnier I don’t know, I’m just listening, then a guy says easier to talk to women, hit it on the head. Exactly what happened Monday but different. Not me. I gotta say something, I’m gonna go crazy all day.
I said I had the opposite happen Monday. Not really having urges, did a couple meetings anyway cause I learn something. 10pm I find myself trying to hook up on a dating site. I’m not worried, I don’t need to be drunk to talk to women but it used to be a drinking activity and I (tried to explain my whole summer in 2 minutes without sounding like a raving lunatic but I sound like a raving lunatic)I meet the woman, have sex, then get drunk… I did the rest of the meeting. I’m getting worked up telling asking them but I already know, I’m not asking them I’m telling them.
My maniac mind got it’s reward and then it wanted more. I know alcohol is a depressant but it fuels my mania. I am lucky the stores were closed when I ran out of beer cause I can go on for days and nights until my mind and body collapse.
They ended the meeting but held it open for me and this the woman is doing a screen capture how to click someone’s name on tthe message board and some dude I’ve seen as a long time member keeps telling me to look in the chat and write down his screen name and his personal email he really wants to help me with this.
I’m depressed now and got another six pack tonight but it was actually quite frantic. I was trying to control myself because it was morning and there are only 15 people in the meeting and they are talking about going to church and I’m dropping F bombs and talking about getting laid online and trying to shut up.
I got a screenshot, they were stressing that I email this guy. I’m thinking yes I should. I did and I remember the message board but his name wasn’t there. I send another email to say that. No answer. Okay, people have lives but he was saying I had to do it right away. Not really worried I feel better until I log into a meeting and see his name in the chat like wtf? I don’t know. I sent him a dm saying I emailed you under this name. No response. waiting, meeting sucks, waiting, meeting sucks, Another six pack. Are these people fucking with me cause I said I’m schizo? They said I was in the right place, they acted like they were trying to help me. then nothing? I’m pissed. I don’t know what is going on. I told them I am trying to cut this off short but I’m drinking a beer right now. WTF? Another group I don’t belong.