Heart colored pencils

Ass, Gas, or Grass, Nobody Rides for Free!” To bring back a saying from last century. Having recently signed up for Uber to get my own ass around, I was reminded of my own “Magical Mystery Tour” the first time I took an Uber ride. I was using Tinder at the time and expanded my miles radius because there were not enough women in my area. Well, there were plenty of women in my area but they were all the same women from normal dating apps who didn’t understand Tinder was designed to be a hookup app. They kept the same old tired profiles and it wasn’t uncommon to see the same line over and over again. “If all you are looking for is a hookup, don’t waste my time!”

I got a match from a young woman who lived in Boston. (about 40 minutes away) I didn’t know what would come of it since I had no car and women from Boston don’t usually travel to NH. The bus service to Boston from my area stopped at 10pm. I was talking to her around 2am. I didn’t care. I tried to keep her laughing and flirting at the same time.

She decided she wanted to meet me but I told her I couldn’t travel that far. She said not to worry about it. She will send an Uber ride. I asked her if that would be too expensive. Again she said don’t worry about it. That’s when I started to get the squirrels running around in my stomach. The good kind of anxiety.

She sent me a screen shot of the travel information and I had to hotfoot it into the shower because the car was surprisingly 15 minute away from me. I made it out to the parking lot and caught the car just in time. I was styling. Headed to the big city to get laid in the middle of the night. I was excited, texting her and talking to the driver at the same time.

When I got to her I was surprised to see she lived on a good stretch of Mass Ave. A major avenue through the center of the city. Her apartment building was in prime location with a parking garage underneath and even had a 24 hour receptionist in the lobby. She told me to ignore him and act like I belonged there heading straight to the elevator.

In an unusual turn of events she looked even better than her pictures. She had me sit on the couch and found something to watch on tv. She asked me to rub her back, she wasn’t feeling well. After a few minutes she was apologizing and saying she had to go to sleep. Sorry, she will call another ride to get me home. I was surprised because it seemed like a lot of trouble to find out I didn’t live up to her expectations.

The next day I chalked it up to one of those things that only happens to me. But later that night she texted me and asked if I wanted to try again. Oh, she really was sick last night. I thought she just didn’t like me. We started the whole process over again. I took another ride down to Boston. She explained she didn’t want any of her neighbors to know what she was doing and she would have me dropped off a block away at the corner store where she would pick me up. She drove up in a Porsche SUV. I was beginning to wonder where this woman in her 20’s was making all this loot.

By this time we were well into the next day. She said she wanted to get a hotel room but we would have to wait until check in time. I was fine with whatever she wanted to do. She was the boss.

We finally got into the hotel room. She said she needed to take a shower and she did. I took one right after her. When I came out she was fully nude on the bed. She was in beautiful shape. I got into bed next to her but she seemed stiff and pensive. She said she was fine and maybe could I rub her back to relax her. It didn’t help and suddenly she said she was sorry she couldn’t go through with it. I’ve been turned down by women before but never when we were already naked and ready to go. She kept saying she was sorry for chickening out. I said, no problem, people aren’t going to match up all the time.

She called yet another ride for me so I could get back to my place. I couldn’t believe it. She must have spent about a thousand dollars with Uber and spent 48 hours looking forward to it, only to have nothing happen. I couldn’t figure it out. I hadn’t put any pressure for her to get me down there. I would never expect someone to do that.

This would have been a much more satisfying story if I told you we had crazy sex in the hotel room. I don’t care. I had 2 days of excitement. I guess that was thrilling enough for me. And I have a good story to tell.

(I told her to give all the drivers 5 stars)

Don’t Touch Me There!

Heart colored pencils

It was her idea to meet at Barnes and Noble, which is a large chain bookstore with a Starbucks inside. It started out well as we both drove into the crowded parking lot at the same time. I’m not sure what she wanted to do there at night. Drink coffee and talk about books? I’m capable but it’s not my idea of a fun date.

We got our coffees at the counter and turned to walk to a table. On the way I turned and said to her, this isn’t really my style, do you want to go next door to the 99 and have a couple drinks. She said, Yeah, so we tossed our full and still hot coffees into the trash and walked out.

The 99 is another chain store. It has a restaurant and bar inside. We went in and had a few drinks and laughed a lot. This was more my style. I think the low light sets a better mood than a brightly lit bookstore.

She had driven us over to the 99 parking lot which was right next to the bookstore. (I wonder if they planned it that way) She drove us back and parked next to my car. We stayed in her car for a bit.

While we were there she told me a story of going on a date with another man and he had put his hand on her thigh and she was horrified by it. She kept telling me the story as we sat in her car. She repeated the story of him grabbing her thigh at least 4 times. I got the point, I wasn’t going to grab her thigh. There didn’t seem to be any danger because we were both just sitting there talking.

Then she asked if I like to kiss. Of course I like to kiss. So we started kissing; a lot. After a while I got to the point where I would usually bring my hands into the action. Probably reaching for her thigh. But I was confused. Why did she tell me that story several times? Did she really not want me to take it further? Was it just that one particular guy she didn’t want touching her. I decided to play it safe and not let my hands roam.

Her phone buzzed after about an hour of this. She picked it up and read the text. She said it was her roommate and her dog was sick and had to go to the animal hospital. But she said it with no inflection or concern in her voice. I realized later it was her bail out text from a friend giving her an excuse to end the date. It didn’t seem right because we were enjoying herself. Maybe I should have went for her thigh.

The next day I texted her and she told me she was sorry but she has a boyfriend. That didn’t make sense to me at all. Was it even true? Was she taking me on a test drive to see if I was better than this boyfriend. I was confused again. I never saw her after that.

What do you think? Should I have made a move while kissing her?

The Case of the Missing Earring

Heart colored pencils

After I found it on the bedroom floor I sent her a joking text. I know you left your earring here just so you would have an excuse to come back. She lol’d and said, No, idc, it’s not worth anything anyway. It was only supposed to be a hookup. We emailed, it was fine, texted, fine, phone calls, fine, had sex, fine, the next day, not so fine. I was minding my own business and she called at night ranting about everyone she talked to that day.

I suppose I should shorten the story by telling you what it took me a couple weeks to find out. She was taking a day’s worth of Adderal all at once to get through her night shift job. Then when it kicked in she would call me and bitch about her day while she drove to work. She had a problem with everyone she met. It reminded me of the old saying, “If you meet 3 assholes in 1 day, chances are you are the 4th.”

The night we hooked up was funny. I knew she was busy with 2 kids and working. I knew she had the night off finally so I texted her to see what she was doing. She told me she had been driving around looking at Christmas lights. She was only 10 minutes from my place. I said, duh, shouldn’t you be at my house? She told me to give her an hour and she showed up around 3am.

The next day she texted me a few and it was normal until the phone call. There was no conversation. It was just her on a rant. This went on for a couple of weeks without me being able to see her in person again. In that time I found out about the Adderal and also she had a restraining order and court case coming up because she bit her ex boyfriend during a fight the previous month. My libido was starting to cool off. Every night between 6:30 and 7 I was on the phone listening to her bitch. I didn’t know what to do.

Finally she broke me one day. She did it by texting me out of nowhere. She was saying how she felt like such a bad mom because her son told her he was depressed and she didn’t know what to do about it. I asked her where her son was and said maybe she should talk to him about it. She told me he was sitting right next to her on the couch. I couldn’t believe it. I had plenty of women text me before while the were spending time with their kids which bothers me a bit but never in the middle of a major problem. I told her to put the phone down and talk to her son.

It was after this text and another week of pre-work phone calls, I could do it anymore. I said, Listen, I didn’t sign up for this. We were only supposed to be hooking up, I am in no condition to be someone’s sole emotional support system. I was surprised. She took it well for someone with such a bad temper.

It wasn’t until a few days later she got back to me. She sent an email. Now she wanted the earring back. Let me tell you. When she said it wasn’t worth anything, she was right. It looked like something you would get out of a gumball machine for 25 cents. She wanted me to mail it to her. I had no problem with that. For the price of a stamp I would be free.

The next day I had it ready to drop in the letterbox. She sent me another email laying out instructions on how I was supposed to send it. She told me to wrap it up in something soft so it wouldn’t break and to make sure I had the right address, etc… I wish she had put as much care into her kids as she did worrying about this little bauble.

That was it. After a month of letting her run roughshod over me, I was finally angry about it. Something so stupid set me off. Before her detailed instructions I had already prepared the earring for the mail in exactly the manner she said. It didn’t take a genius to figure it out. I did what any sensible person would do. I picked up the envelope with the correct address written on it and walked out the door, down the stairs, across the parking lot and tossed the whole lot into the dumpster. Way over the top and into the bottom where it would never be found.

[Postscript] I have never met a person who took Adderal and did not abuse it. And I have met plenty. Think about that before you let a doctor prescribe it to your kid. It is pure amphetamine. (That’s speed)

My friend from Alaska

Her dating profile said she was from a small town way up north in Alaska. That seemed unlikely but I sent her a message saying, next time I go that way I will look her up. She thought is was funny and we talked for a while. At the end of the night she gave me her email. Not her number but her email. It was no big deal, there was nothing going on between us except for a few jokes. I was manic so I would write long messages to anyone.

I sent her an email but didn’t hear anything back for a month. I wasn’t worried, I was talking to other women. Her responses were long but they barely contained any information about herself. I didn’t think she had much interest but I wrote back to everyone who emails me. I was “just the facts” in the emails I wrote. This went on for over a year. She usually wrote me once a month or even less. Again I would give her basic updates on my life. Even when I was homeless and using the computers at the public library, I told her about it. Just as a matter of fact, not in a “I want to move in with someone” way. Our emails went on like that for over a year but I felt no connection

Everything changed when I got my own place. She started sending longer emails and divulging more personal information. It turns out, she was being so secretive because I lived with my brother previously and she had a young child she was afraid to have strange men meet.

I could understand that but I was surprised she invited herself to my place. I was fine with that because I hadn’t made any new friends since I moved in. She kept stressing she did not want to have sex. I thought it was weird because in all the emails we shared we had never mentioned sex. But she kept saying she didn’t want to have sex leading up to us meeting. She even asked me if I could handle spending the night with a woman without having sex. I told her, I am over 40 I think I can restrain myself.

When she knocked on my door, I knew by her smile that the no sex thing had gone out the window. I invited her in and she bounced in the chair for a few minutes with a huge grin on her face. I thought, cool, I’m getting laid tonight. After only being here for 5 minutes she got up and walked to my bedroom door and asked, is this your bedroom, and disappeared inside. I got up to follow her and 5 minutes later we were having sex.

After it was over I had to tell her this can only be about sex since we just hopped into bed hardly knowing each other. She asked if she could think about it and I told her to take as much time as wanted. She faced the wall for a bit and then turned back to me and said she didn’t think it would be a problem. Little did I know.

She lived fairly close to me before I moved but then she traveled an hour to see me for 3 Saturdays in a row where I live now. After the first time meeting her emails became more expansive and we also started talking on the phone. She told me about her daughter’s ex boyfriend whom she had a restraining order out on. She also told me about her family and how she doesn’t like them because they were all “crazy.”

The 3rd time she came over something changed and creeped me out. You know how you can tell someone is looking at you even before you see them? I woke up in the morning I could feel her staring at me even though I hadn’t opened my eyes. I opened them and looked over to her. She was propped up on one elbow and had googly eyes and a big goofy smile. As soon as I turned in her direction she said, I love it when you look at me, it makes me feel all gushy inside. Oh no, it had happened.

A few days I called her to end it. I said I think one of us cares about the other more than the other way around. She said she was fine with it and then went on with the conversation, even changing the subject to ask me, How my day went. We talked on the phone that night for about a half hour.

I thought she was fine with it, but I was wrong. She had a night to think about it. The next day she sent me the longest rambling, almost incoherent email. At the end of it she said, Don’t tell all your friends I fell in love with you , because I didn’t. I sent back an email saying if she wanted to talk call me on the phone. I wanted her to call me because she was rational on the phone.

She ignored-my suggestion of talking on the phone. Instead, she sent me more bizarre emails every day for a week. At first I read the emails laughing. I was also reading them to see if she was going show up at my place holding a gun.

I talked to my friend and she said to just block her. I had never blocked anyone from my email so I had to google how to do it. That solved my problem for a couple of weeks. Then she figured it out and started sending from different email address with a different name. She called herself Sonja but in newest emails, she was using different names but always the same initials. I’m not sure if I ever knew her real name. One of the emails came from her office computer.Which she had told me before she could never use for personal business. She told me before she couldn’t use her office computer /to email anyone But she did use it to email me After I didn’t’ from her and I thought she was done. Little did I know.

She relented for about a month but then it was Christmas time. She sent me my astrology chart. I didn’t want it but there it was on my computer. I was a little astonished how she knew my astrology chart. I didn’t know how she knew my birthday . Creepy.

When I asked her to stop sending-me crazy emails. She acted like nothing had happened. She blamed her daughter’s boyfriend who she said broke into her house and hacked into her email account. that made no sense to me.

About 4 months later I got the strangest email of them all. It was like it was written by a stranger in the 3rd person telling me about the story of us. And most bizarre was apparently during the time I hadn’t heard from her we were having a “beautiful relationship” through Craigslist personals. I don’t know who she was having a relationship with there but it wasn’t me because I had never talked to anyone through Craigslist.

I don’t know if the whole time was her idea of being in a relationship. It didn’t make any sense to me. All of our emails were so perfunctory. She was sending me emails that didn’t reveal anything about herself and I was just replying to her. There was nothing romantic about any of our writings. I just thought she was bored and looking for a pen pal.

I don’t know how she got so attached through such infrequent, banal emails. It was mostly her not answering any of my questions, instead asking me what I had been doing and me answering with some things I had done. My life wasn’t very exciting at the time.

Dark as Knight

Wispy smoke

I’m traveling through time right now. I wrote this a month ago and scheduled it to post now. (It really is 3am though) I recently started blogging and I haven’t posted much. I’m not sure which direction my blog is going to go. I wanted a chance to let this sit on my brain before I decided if I was going to let you see it or not. Maybe I will be as surprised as you in a month’s time. Two things before I start. Being schizophrenic, I attract other schizophrenics. I’m not sure why. I don’t believe in fate but I am attracted to the idea of synchronicity. Second, if it seems like I have a lot of girlfriends in a short period of time it’s because I’m not always monogamous. But I am upfront about it.

Shortly after I moved down here I became email friends with “Jen.” We didn’t exchange basic information like ages and what we did for work or where we lived. We were both using anonymous email accounts so we didn’t even know each other’s names. I just sent her one of my typical long ass meandering manic emails and to my surprise she replied just as expansively. We told each other deeply intense stories of our lives and found we had a lot in common. A lot.

I thought I had extricated myself from a situation with another woman but she continued to stalk me digitally. I told Jen about it and she assured me she wasn’t the stalking type. We emailed each other probably more than once a day for at least a month. Finally late one night my curiosity got the best of me and I had to find out who I she was. I asked her if she would meet me and by some shocking coincidence we lived only 20 minutes apart.

When she got here I texted her to wait for me to come down and let her in. The door was unlocked so we happened to meet as she was coming out of the elevator on my floor. To my surprise, she was black as the ace of spades. Her skin was so dark her collection of tattoos barely showed up on the background. I say, “to my surprise”, because my state is pretty homogeneous. In fact I would say it is about 99% white. So to meet a black person at random who lived just up the street was quite a feat. It didn’t matter to me. I opened my arms and threw a big hug on her. Months later she told me that was how she knew she would be coming back again.

Jen had told me her boyfriend was emotionally abusive and made her feel she was only good for sex. I told her I would show her she was good for something more than sex. That first night we spent lying in my bed very close together, talking, but I kept my word and didn’t try any moves on her. The next night she came over again and I told her my promise was only good for the first night. She said she didn’t mind and would have let me if I had tried. That night we had Electric Sex.

Sex with Jen was always Electric. It was with her that I first experienced what I call a “brain-gasm”. It was during a long, heated session. I eventually had an orgasm but I didn’t ejaculate. I had to stop and flipped over on my back. I had an extreme buzzing feeling that started in my brain and emanated throughout my entire body. It was impossible to move for at least 15 minutes. Jen had the same experience. I haven’t read much about it but I think it is what they are talking about on the subject of Tantric Sex.

Our 2 year relationship was based mostly on sex. Jen had some very specific rules on that. One of them was she would never spend the night. She felt that was something you only did with your significant other. She did fall asleep almost immediately after sex and I would joke that I must have done it right because I knocked her out. But she always woke up and went home before morning.

She also had specific rules on the men she would date. They had to be white and over 35. Lucky me. She thought younger, black men were assholes. She said it was because she grew up in a very bad neighborhood in New Jersey, which is where her family is from. Speaking of her family, I should mention I was one year older than her dad. It felt a little weird but we had so much in common it was natural.

Jen’s life plan was to be married by the time she was 25 and have kids by the time she was 30. She was 25 when I met her so life wasn’t going according to plan. I told her immediately I had been married once and was never going to do it again and also I had one child that was enough for me. I don’t believe in playing on people’s feelings.

Jen was good for more than just sex. She had written 2 books and designed and made her own clothes. She was also a deep thinker. I liked that about her. Did I mention she was schizo like me? Unlike me, she refused treatment. Well, I guess she was like me as I refused treatment when I was her age.

She had a great job as an executive assistant at Planet Fitness. Not just one gym but working directly for the owners of the whole company. She had trouble there because she would have meltdowns at work and would have to run to the bathroom to cry for extended periods of time. She texted me during one of those times and I asked her if she was starting her period. She said she was surprised and how did I know. I told her it was because after knowing her for so long I noticed a pattern of her meltdowns coming monthly. She had gone to a doctor who wanted to put her on birth control to moderate her periods and make them shorter. She refused that too.

Jen eventually lost her job at Planet Fitness related to the above. They noticed her having problems too and it was interfering with her job. They finally gave her an ultimatum. She either had to go to counseling or she would lose her job. She chose to lose her job. I tried to talk her into going to counseling by telling her she didn’t have to say anything she didn’t feel comfortable with but she would have none of it.

Most of my casual relationships end for no other reason than drifting apart or someone moving too far away to continue. With Jen it was different. We would use Facebook to chat while she was at work almost daily in the mornings. When I cancelled my Facebook account for personal reasons, I didn’t tell anyone I cancelled it. A few days later Jen texted me and asked me if I blocked her and I said I blocked everyone. Even though I was still texting her she really did think I blocked her on Facebook. After that she didn’t want to talk to me and I never saw her again. I guess she took it very personal. She always was very sensitive.

Jen was sensitive. She thought all of her friends secretly hated her. She thought she was evil, even though she would do anything for a friend and was always nice and polite unless she lost her temper. We never got in any fights but she would tell me about it when she did. I found it hard to reconcile her feelings of nobody liking her. I would see pictures on her Facebook page of her out having a good time with her friends but the next day she would tell me nobody wants her around. I think she spent too much time on Facebook seeking validation. That is why she stopped talking to me when she thought I blocked her. I promised I didn’t do that to her but I guess she didn’t believe me.

I met Jen a couple of years after my “Summer of Fun.”