Heart colored pencils

I haven’t tried to hook up with anyone online since November. I wasn’t even trying to hook up in February when someone from forever ago looked me up. I wasn’t going to last night because it was late night at the end of the weekend and the chance of meeting someone was zero.

A___ came over Saturday and it was good but she wanted me to finish before I was ready because she had to go home. Usually after I see her I don’t think about sex for a week but I was all charged up. It didn’t matter, there was nothing I could do about it. That part of my brain that causes a sex binge clicked on.

I still wasn’t going to do anything, like I said, Sunday night. But I had the impulse and decided to go online. If I hadn’t followed that impulse at that exact moment none of this would have happened. Within 10 minutes I was talking to a woman and got her number and texted until about 2 in the morning. Not only did I talk to someone when the chances were nil, she lives about 20 minutes away but she spends 2 hours every afternoon in my little town with nothing to do. We made plans to meet today.

Today came and we texted in the morning while we waited for the afternoon. She came across great in writing and I came across great in writing but when she showed up, boom! We are both schizophrenics! She didn’t tell me she was diagnosed, that is just my personal blanket diagnosis when I meet someone who acts and does exactly like me. JFC… How do I meet people like this so many times? Was she wondering the same thing. It does happen all the time to me. I bet I have been friends with more schizophrenics than anyone and I never joined a support group or anything.

Needless to say we made each other both nervous. From downstairs, up the elevator, down the hall and into my living room she was on her phone. Texting, showing me pictures from her home security cam, showing me pictures of her deer hunting cams. This little tiny girl not even 5 feet tall likes killing deer so much she sets out cameras in the woods to track them. She was on her phone telling me three things at once and one of them was this person keeps texting but as long as she texts back it is fine. So she texted back.

We were in my room and she was acting really nervous but she took off her clothes and got into my bed first so I did the same. I thought it was time but she turned away from me and went to her phone. That was weird but she turned open towards me again. Okay. Then back to her phone. I felt weird and my brain kicked into overdrive. Does she even want to be here? Is she only going to text? Am I making her do something she doesn’t want to do? I don’t want to do that. If she doesn’t want to do anything why is she lying open in front of me in a position to start doing something? My brain won’t stop asking stupid questions. Of course she wants to do something. At this point it would be weird if I didn’t reach out and touch her. She was either going to pull away or not and she didn’t so it started to go well.

Then she turned completely away to her phone again and I’m like, are we done? What just happened. And she pushed her back against me and we started again but my mind still won’t stop with all the questions from before. Does she want to leave? But also, Of course she doesn’t want to leave. We are really going at it and both having a great time. It’s not like in the movies. There is a certain noise and she is making that noise, making that noise and making more of that noise. Suddenly she’s not making any noise because she can’t breath for a few seconds. She made the ugly face too. The face you can only make if you have ugly face orgasms. All the signs of someone really enjoying themselves so why do I keep wondering if she is enjoying herself?

I’m calling myself stupid because I can’t get all these thoughts out of my head. But I’m also really enjoying myself. Like, we were having great sex but I couldn’t realize it. Then I couldn’t support myself anymore and was sweating from doing all the work so I backed off for a second. I think she thought I was done. She went to the edge of the bed and grabbed her phone again. She said she had to keep texting but I didn’t know she meant constantly. She stopped and started telling me stories about people I had no idea who they are. She didn’t have any of the nervousness from before. I guess she was done because she thought I was done but I wasn’t done but it was too late because we were in wrap up time. I thought it was too soon to be done.

She was definitely manic sitting on the edge of the bed putting on her clothes, telling me stories, texting, showing me the deer camera, is that a coyote? It’s too big to be a fox. All at the same time. I’m confused, My mind is still stuck on earlier time even though she is relaxed now. We are definitely done. I don’t want to be done but it is tough when one of you is fully dressed. I got dressed and brought her down to her truck. My building is huge and people get lost. Everything looks the same.

We were talking pleasantly for a few in the parking lot and she said, so, I guess I’ll message you. I didn’t get a good feeling about that and she left. I still had the question of did she enjoy herself. Yes, she did part of the time but was the whole experience enjoyable overall? I waited a while and couldn’t help myself, I texted, thanks for coming by, I liked you. She said she had a good time and I said me too. Then I deleted her number from my phone and deleted the emails where she gave me her number. I don’t want to be tempted to be stupid one night and bother her if she doesn’t want to be bothered by me. I have a feeling she will contact me again. I don’t go very long without having another schizophrenic in my life.

Oh, I’m not like that, he he.

Heart colored pencils

When I first had to start dating again it was the beginning of the texting revolution. I had never talked to anyone that way before. But I buckled down and joined the 21st century, buying a phone with a full keyboard. I had no idea what I was in for.

At first I thought it was great. I had phone numbers from multiple women and it was fun texting all the time. But texting all the time was the problem because these women wanted to text, ALL the fucking time! First thing in the morning, all day, until they went to bed, again the next day and the next day.

I couldn’t figure out what was going on. Someone would text for hours and I would ask, “What are you doing?” and they would tell me they are at work. What was their job? Texting me? Yes. They were getting paid to text me all day. Not just a text here and there when they got a break. They could text me faster than I could text them back. That was my problem because when I was new to texting I felt compelled to answer someone as soon as I heard my phone beep. Another thing I found was women who only texted me when they weren’t available. Text, text, text. Me, “What are you doing?” “Oh, I’m at work.” “Oh, I’m at home with my kids.” I’m thinking for chrissakes, what are you doing? Spend some fucking time with your kids. I found that to be the worst. It was endless texting and I never got to meet anyone.

Another disturbing thing that happened a lot, like, a lot, was the fear of abandonment. I’d be text, text, text, get hungry, make myself some food, maybe take a shower, drive down to the corner store and buy some energy drinks. Anything. Just everyday things. I would come back 20 minutes later and my phone was blown up! “Where are you?” “What’s wrong?” “Was it something I said?” “Are you mad at me?” Different women, same four questions. That was too much for me and would be the end of the texting relationship. Not only is it, JC could you be a little more needy please? It’s also a form of controlling behavior. They want all your attention, all the time. I had enough. I developing PTSD from the sound of my phone beeping.

It got so bad I would be emailing chicks and they would ask if I wanted to text and I would say, no, I don’t text and tell them why. They would say, “Oh, I’m not like that, he he… ” Oh, a few days later they were most definitely like that. I probably missed out on a lot of good dates because I wouldn’t text. I don’t know. I would say I have no problem calling and talking on the phone at night if you want. Most people did not want to do that. I didn’t get it because way back when I started “dating” that is what people did. Now you have to text back and forth for four hours to say what you could say in a half hour phone call.

It was the novelty of it that first got me to fall into the “text trap”. Now I am more rational about it. I don’t feel compelled to answer right away if it’s not important. I bail when I realize a woman is only texting me when she is at work or with her kids. Then she gets a free night and I don’t hear from her? See you later.

Now my favorite text to get is, “I just got out of the shower see you in 45 minutes.”

Lisa, Lisa, Lisa!

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Three days after Christmas I got a text, “How was your Xmas? ~Lisa” I checked my contacts. I had three Lisa’s. Each one only had a last initial, that was no help. It wasn’t the Lisa I remembered texting for a long time but never met. Besides, I hadn’t heard from her in at least two years. That narrowed it down to two Lisa’s but I still had no clue who it could be. To tell the truth, it must have been the most popular name around the time I was born because at least half the women I had ever texted in my life were named Lisa. I took a shot in the dark, “Good, you?” “Horrible, my boyfriend broke up with me.” Great. Who is texting me a casual, “How was your Xmas?” Only to immediately dump bad news on me? It didn’t help either because I don’t mess with women who have boyfriends so I had no idea who would be getting dumped on the holidays.

I should have said, “I have no idea who this is” but I didn’t want to insult someone because I have a bad memory. Also I am always curious. I said, “I’m sorry to hear that.” We went back and forth a few times and it clicked. We had texted for a very short time the previous summer. The only thing I remembered about her was when I told her I had a woman as a pen pal she said if I was in a relationship that would be “emotional cheating” if I continued. I said if you had a manfreind for years and you got into a relationship would you have to stop talking to that manfriend or would you be “emotional cheating?” She said I guess you’re right. Shortly after that she disappeared. No big deal, happens all the time. We had nothing invested in each other.

During the same conversation she asked me if I wanted to meet after the New Year. I said I would. I was still curious but I think I figured out what was going on. She stopped talking to me because she found a boyfriend and didn’t want to cheat emotionally but he dumped her so it was okay to talk to me again. Whatever. I still didn’t know anything about her.

We set up a time to meet for lunch and met in person. This time she really surprised me when she told me what was going on. I didn’t have a good first impression of her but she was exuberant, talking like we had been best friends for years. Then she dropped it on me. Her boyfriend told her he didn’t want to be a couple anymore but he still wanted to do some things couples did. (Have sex) That was okay with her and that was where I came into the picture. She wanted me to be the part of the couple she went out on fun dates with and then go back to her house where her ex? Boyfriend was waiting to have sex with her.

That really spun my head around! If having a pen pal was emotional cheating, what exactly was she describing? Which one of us would be getting cheated on? I wanted to tell her if anyone was going to be having sex in that situation it would be me but I let her go on. She described the dates we could have. Going to the city for dinners, comedy clubs, museums, etc… I don’t know. It didn’t sound like I could afford to be her asexual boyfriend. I was non-committal and we parted ways after lunch. I thought that would be it.

I got home and thought, that was a new one. Isn’t that why women get a gay best friend? I thought that would be the end of it but in the middle of the next week she texted me again. She asked if I wanted to go out tonight? I told her, “I don’t know, Wednesday is usually the night I do homemade porn and I didn’t have a partner so it was going to be pretty hard.” She didn’t answer me. I didn’t care. I was confused by the whole thing. Why was she holding me in her back pocket for months as a potential back up “boyfriend?” I didn’t know why she thought I would enjoy going on dates with her when the guy she was dating put a stop to it. And she was having sex with him. All she knew about me was my name in her phone.

Monogamous for the Moment

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I met G___ on POF a long time ago when it was still a fun app to use for dating. I was manic and never slept so I was pretty much talking to anyone who would type back. She typed back the most but didn’t seem interested in meeting me. I didn’t care. She was funny. We spent most of the time making fun of all the other people we met through the app. I was messing around with a few women and told her about it. It wasn’t until I was single, single that she wanted to meet me. I knew she wouldn’t just come to hang and bang so I made a bet with her that was designed for me to lose. Don’t get dirty now, the bet was loser pays for lunch. It was just my way of getting her to drive up here and meet me for lunch. I’ve been wracking my brain trying to remember what the bet was because it was hilarious. But I lost and invited her to lunch the next day. We went to a nice place a couple towns over but they had reasonable priced lunches. And it was good food. I remember we talked in person as easily as we typed and texted so that went well. She wanted Starbucks after and we went for a ride. We came back to my apartments and I used the only canned line I use when I think someone is going to say yes. “Want to come up and see how the other half lives? Anyway, it makes me laugh. I knew she was going to say yes. I knew she was promiscuous (no pejorative) but she also wanted monogamy. It didn’t matter if I only broke up with my girlfriend an hour ago, as long as I didn’t have a girlfriend. We hooked up that day and I think one more time. I don’t remember much more than that. Neither of us drank at the time so that is not why I can’t remember. Whatever. She met another guy and had to be monogamous again so we lost touch.

I wouldn’t be writing this at all if she had not texted me last Saturday around midnight asking me what’s up. It had been so long I had taken her out of my contacts so I was lucky she told me her name in the first text. I remembered the whole first paragraph I just wrote when I saw her name so that was good. We chatted for a bit and she asked me if I had a girlfriend. I said I didn’t and then she steered the conversation towards sexting. She doesn’t drink so it’s not like she just got home from the bar and was drunk and horny. And we had never texted sexually before but whatever. I’ve been a raging alcoholic my whole life but I attract women who don’t drink or drink very little. (go figure?) We did all that and then I said I wanted to follow through on what we talked about.

It was my fault. It was exciting getting looked up by someone I barely remembered. She had Friday off so we planned on her coming up to see me and I thought about it all week. Then she got in here and my memory had filled in a lot of holes faultily. She wasn’t the person I thought I knew. I wanted to back out but we had talked it up for 5 days. I don’t know what to do. I wasn’t sure what she wanted from me because she told me she just broke up with her boyfriend. The one from earlier in the story. So it was a serious relationship she had going on. I mean I know what she wanted from me. It was just strange to look me up after so long. It was several years longer than I thought. I just felt weird about the whole thing. I wrote about it in my journal post yesterday. I don’t think I’m going to contact her back.

After Hours

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She got to my place just after midnight. The first thing she did was ask if she could smoke. There was no smoking allowed in my building but I said yes because I didn’t want her to leave. I slid open the window for her and made an ashtray out of aluminum foil. She stood there nervously flicking the ash in the tray and blowing clouds out the window. All the time asking me questions about myself. We got along well enough that she calmed down and asked me if I minded if she took a shower. I said yes and found her a towel. I made myself at home on the couch. In a few minutes I heard, “Do you mind if I take a bath?” I thought it was a weird request but again I said yes. I was just going with the flow. I turned to go back to the couch and she yelled out to ask if I had any cleaning supplies so she could clean the tub first. I told her where to look, talking through the closed door. Now things were getting strange. I can understand wanting to be in a clean tub but this was hardly the time or the place. Besides, I had only been living there for a month and the whole bathroom had been professionally cleaned before I moved in. I went back to the living room and flipped on the tv, wondering what was up with this chick.

After a half hour I could still hear the tub running and her making noises. I went to the bathroom door and asked if she was okay. She said she was fine, she is just a neat freak. I’m pretty easy going so I went back to the television and the couch.

Now she had been in there for over an hour and I was wondering what the fuck she could be doing in there. I walked down the hall and asked if she was alright in there. I tried the knob but the door was locked. I could still hear the water running and she said she was fine, just taking a bath. Are you sure?, Yes, Okay, Back to the couch.

I waited another half hour and still the same, and then again. Each time she said she was fine she just needed 15 more minutes. I’m wondering who the fuck this person is I met online who came over to lock herself in my bathroom. Now I was getting nervous. What if she never came out?

I waited, wondering what to do next. I kept going back and she had been in there for hours. Finally I told her she had to let me in, I had to use the bathroom myself. She asked for another 15 minutes and this time she let me in. She was fully dressed and the bathroom had been completely scoured from floor to ceiling!

She said, “I did something naughty in there.” and laughed. I said, “What? Used all my bleach?” She said, “No, I was sniffing Addies.” I’m thinking, great, she seemed normal talking online and for the first half hour she was here. But she grabbed me by the hand and pulled me towards the bedroom. We had sex, good sex, while the sun rose. It was the middle of summer so I did the math. She had spent 3 hours cleaning my bathroom. What did she do? Scrub the tile with my toothbrush?

She said she had to leave early because her son was at her mom’s house and she had to pick him up and bring him to school. I wish I could say that was the last time I saw her but in my book that counts as a pretty good night!

One Lump or Two?

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I met this chick on OkStupid back when it was a free, fully functional dating site. Back then there was no paying for extra features. What the hell? I had been divorced a number of years. It was back when I used to fall into the text trap. She got my number and it was texting from the moment she woke up until the minute she went to sleep. I just can’t do that and I’ve found out it is a major red flag. Whatever… We got along talking fine and I only had to wait several days to meet her in person. The weird thing I remember about her was her saying we were very similar. I was on disability for a mental illness and she had a young son with autism. No. You should be paying attention to your son instead of texting me all day and night.

I lived up north with my brother and she lived down south with her parents but she was very interested in meeting me. There was not much to do where I lived so I said I would drive down to meet her in the “big city.” This story is so old it is pre GPS! I had to print out MapQuest directions to find the bar where we were supposed to meet. It was no problem. I come from the age of huge folding paper maps. She knew the place and we both liked to play pool. And have a couple drinks. I taught the bartender how to make Cousin’ B’s Lemonade. My namesake.

We started with our drinks and a couple games of pool. She was horrible. So I made her a bet. I said I could beat her 10 games in a row and she could choose what I win. Two drinks later she was 10 games in the hole and deep in debt. I asked her how she would like to pay.

Well. She totally fucking surprised me! She had me pay the bill and took me out to her mini-van. She grew up in the city and I had only visited the outskirts a few times. She parked down by the river that ran through the middle of town. We got out and she wanted to kiss but I was feeling stupid because we were like two kids outside in the middle of the night. She said wait a minute, I want to take you somewhere.

We piled into the mini-van and went roving. She drove me out of the city and showed me her parent’s house for some reason. She didn’t show it to me, we drove by and she pointed it out. Then next thing I know we are on the outskirts of town and she takes a turn down a wooded dirt road. We talked and it seemed like she drove on forever. I quickly figured out where we were. We were on the back road to her old high school’s baseball fields. She parked and told me she wanted to “pay up.” It turns out my billiards proficiency had earned me a nice blowjob in the mini-van! Then she drove me back to the bar and my car where I left for home.

I lived 40 miles north of her when we met and I was in the process of moving 40 miles east of her after the bet. I don’t know, it all happened within a week or so. I was in my new apartment with a television on the floor but happy as hell to be away from my brother’s house. It was pretty poor house over here. I had lawn furniture in my living room my mom had given me. I technically lived here but I hadn’t yet “moved in.”

I was sitting here one night after not hearing from her in a bit and I got a random text message from her. It said,” Does your new apartment have one bedroom or two?” If we were having a conversation I wouldn’t have thought anything of it. I answered back,” one” but I was thinking JC this woman wants to move in with me and her 4 year old kid based on a bj in the back of a mini-van! That just wasn’t happening! I don’t care how good a bj is?

She stopped talking to me after I said I only had one bedroom.

Hornpoutin’ 2 (Imma Sex Machine!)

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The married guys advertising use of their “sex machines” is what got me started messing with guys online last week. I didn’t know what they were talking about and they said they could “host or travel.” I had to find out about this “sex machine”. There were four separate men offering it’s use in the same night so there is quite a competition out there.

I sent out the same four messages. “How big is it? What does it look like?” It turns out there are two different kinds. All four men sent me pictures of it. Three of them sent the advertisement photo from Google and one sent a real pic of it sitting right there in the corner of the bedroom. If you have never seen one before, this is what it looks like. It is a 10″ dildo attached to a piston, driven by a large electric motor, fastened to a frame the size of a small bench. They all said they could travel with it but this thing is the size of a small piece of furniture. It’s not something you store in the drawer of your nightstand.

I responded to all four of them with the same comment, “Whoa! That looks dangerous! Does your wife know about it?” All four of the men said the same thing. It has a slow speed and it feels nice and yes, their wives know but want nothing to do with it.

Things got really interesting when I asked them if they have ever used it. I really wasn’t expecting the answers I got. That’s not entirely true. One answer I did expect was the man that lied and said, “I’ve only used it on a few women, but I haven’t had it very long.” I did not believe that for a minute. Did he mean women are lining up for a chance but he just doesn’t have time to get to them all? The other three men were surprisingly blunt. They said they have only used it on themselves. Whoa! I wasn’t expecting that! I asked them what they do after, throw it in the dishwasher? They said no, they put a condom on the attachment and disinfect it after.

What the fuck is going on in these households? They told me the machines cost hundreds of dollars. Was there a discussion with their wives? Did this money come out of the Christmas fund? Was it an early present for themselves? When do they use it? I’m sure their wives don’t want to watch, so are they sitting in the living room listening to the motor hum? Is it a Saturday morning ritual? Do they wait for their wives to take the kids out of the house to go grocery shopping? Go into the bedroom, strip down, unroll a condom over the shaft, lube it up, bend over in front of it, grab the remote and drill themselves up the ass with what is essentially a huge silicone penis attached to an oversized power tool.

What do they expect to do if a woman really was interested in them traveling with it? You can’t really fit it in your gym bag. It would take some planning to get it out to the car. Then you have to bring it into the woman’s house. What will the neighbors think?

I’m done messing with guys online for now. Until I find something else that blows my mind. This was definitely the story I’ve been dying to tell.

Hornpoutin’ (Infidelity)

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Hornpout is just the colloquial term for catfish that live up here in the northern climate. I haven’t heard it since I was a kid but now it is sounding pretty funny to me. I’ve said it before, people with mania should not be allowed to have an internet connection. I say it now because I went “hornpoutin” last week for a couple of nights. I didn’t bother everyone, just the people who were ridiculous and certainly asking for it. This is sad for several reasons but also funny. I think I will have to split it between a couple posts depending on how long this goes.

One of the guys I bothered was a married for married, copy and paste post they all use but something was different that made it absurd. I wish I could remember what it was. I sent him a short message with a quick description of my imaginary generic married woman. I asked him about the logistics, you know, if we both live with our spouses how are we going to meet up? He quickly responded and said he had no problem getting a motel room so it would be “safe for both of us.” How romantic. I lost interest because I didn’t really feel like fucking with this poor married guy so I didn’t answer him again and I was already messing with some funnier people. But the next day he emailed me twice asking me how I was doing, like we were old friends or something. He was really determined to cheat on his wife. I had already ignored 3 of his emails. He didn’t even know my name or what I looked like and he already had us shacking up in the “NoTell Motel.” He was asking for it so I gave it to him.

I didn’t give him much encouragement but he was all in after 3 emails. I asked him what his wife was doing right now and he said she was on the couch on the other side of the room watching television. Imagine that? She’s sitting there thinking everything is fine and he is sitting 10 feet away using his phone to try to cheat on her with another married woman? He asked me what I do for work so I made up something and he came back with a real humblebrag. He said, “I’m a mechanical engineer for the Ford Motor Company but as cool as that may sound, it’s actually fantastically boring.” Oh yes, now I definitely want to fuck him.

I still tried to let him off the hook by ignoring him but he kept emailing me. Saturday afternoon he sent me an email while he was decorating his house for Christmas. I waited a day and asked him why he was with his family decorating and thought it would be a good idea to just shoot off a quick email to me? He backpedaled and tried to say he was alone decorating, he thought it would be fun this year and besides it didn’t take that long to send me an email, he was thinking of me. (How sweet)

I wasn’t giving this guy any encouragement. My emails said, I’m really busy with work today or something. Then I said I hope it doesn’t snow tomorrow, the older I get the less I like winter. He wrote back agreeing with the weather and segued into “What are you looking for in this relationship?” I wrote back one word, “Relationship?” That must have stumped him because he didn’t write back right away. I sent another, “What are we going to be star crossed lovers meeting 2 afternoons a month in the Motel 6? We don’t even know each other’s first names.” He wrote back the standard copy and paste, I said I was looking for a friend with benefits but I really want to emphasize the friends part… (more bullshit) and he ended with “my goal is to not change your relationship or mine.” I wrote back, cheating on our spouses would certainly be a major change in both our relationships.

Wants to emphasize the friends part. In the second email he had us meeting up and fucking in a motel somewhere when he didn’t know my name or what I looked like or more importantly, I’m a man! That’s why I tried ignoring him because he was so predictable.

Anyway. Think about that next time you are sitting on the couch watching CSI:Miami on Thursday night and your husband is on the other side of the room using his phone. There are lots of guys doing the exact same thing.

I keep ignoring him and he keeps asking me how my day was. He also starts at least one sentence in each email with the word “honestly.” I wonder if he “honestly” talks to his wife that way?

Tinder Box! (Three Little Words)

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We both joined Tinder on the same day and we were the first two people to match up with each other. We knew immediately we would hook up eventually but we had to go through the game of getting each other interested. My family is from Scotland and her family was from Ireland. I quickly started typing in a fake Gaelic accent. I don’t know much about the Gaelic language but I know enough to keep someone LOL’ing. And that is all you have to do most of the time while texting a potential mate; you have to keep them LOL’ing. It’s not as easy as you might think. You can be the funniest person in the world but a simple LOL reply doesn’t give you much inspiration for the next joke. I once saw on Twitter; “People who reply LOL in a text; What do you want from us?” I think about that a lot.

We were both brand new to Tinder. She was trying it out because she was recently divorced and I was trying it out because I am salacious, lecherous and depraved. We hit it off immediately. My opening line was a Gaelic slang because I guessed correctly that it was the Irish countryside in the background of one of her pictures. She was impressed and went along with it.

We talked on the app for a couple hours, mostly to get her comfortable with meeting a stranger for the first time. I could tell she was excited but I didn’t ask for her number right away. When I did it was already 2 in the morning. She said she wanted to call so she could hear my voice. She must have liked it because after a short talk we ended up having phone sex. Then I started trying to get her to come to my place. She lives about 20 minutes away. She said she had to work in a couple hours so it was out of the question but she kept waffling and I couldn’t tell if she was going to make the drive or what. She put me off until the next day, which was Friday. She told me to call her again after she got home from work.

I called her later that night. Neither one of us had gotten much sleep and I think that contributed to more than the usual amount of laughter. I knew she wanted to meet and I kept inviting her to my place but she wouldn’t say yes. I couldn’t figure it out and finally she said she needed to hear those three little words. I thought this bitch must be crazy. She wants me to say, “I love you” before she will fuck me for the first time? Thankfully I was wrong. The three little words were, “I want you!” I said them and she was at my house in less than an hour. I was impressed. She looked exactly like her pictures and was very well dressed in a dress. A dress! I don’t know how she knew but nothing turns me on more than a woman in a dress or skirt.

The dress didn’t stay on long and that is when I found she was quite different than most women I have met. She started having orgasms as soon as I started kissing her on the neck and touching her with my hands. This continued after we made it to the bed. She had orgasm after orgasm. At one point she stopped me and pushed me off her because she said she couldn’t take it anymore. She was exhausted. But after a few minutes of breathing we started again and she started again. I have to admit I felt like big daddy bootknocker but I know I am no super stallion in bed. I wasn’t doing anything special with her. She was just overly sensitive. I know from experience some women don’t orgasm, some women have a few and others have more than a few. She just took it to the extreme. I have never seen anyone like that before or since.

We went on like that for about 6 months. Once a week I would text her on a random night, chat for a bit and she would tell me to say it. Say what I would ask; playing dumb. You know, she would tell me. “I want you”, I would say and boom! She was at my door! She never stopped surprising me with a new dress each time. I don’t know how she had such a collection but I never saw the same one twice. It was exciting.

Like all good affairs of the heart, it had to come to an end eventually. It did. It was a version I have seen before. She started catching feelings and I thought she wanted me to replace her husband. She even invited me to spend the weekend at her house with her and her kids. I don’t know what she was thinking but Tinder is not a meet your friends and family app. It is a hook up app. I told her it was a fantastic time but I think we had to end it.

A few months later I got a text from her around Christmas. I knew she wasn’t just trying to wish me Happy Holidays. Against my better judgement I said it again… “I want you.” She came right over and we picked up where we left off. I gave her time to get home and texted her. I told her we couldn’t go back to where we were. She asked why and I said it was because I would have to tell my new girlfriend what happened and see what she thought about it. I wasn’t lying. I did have a new friend and she was a girl and I did tell her. She didn’t care but I need an excuse to avoid my weakness. She texted back my name and said, —-, it’s okay to say goodbye. I asked her what she meant. She said it again. “It’s okay to say goodbye.” I texted goodbye and that was the last I heard from her. I’m sure neither of us regrets any of it.

She was the first and only woman I met on Tinder. I had deleted the app because it is owned by Facebook and I don’t see why Zuckerberg needs to know who I am fucking. I also completely deleted my Facebook account later so I can’t sign up for Tinder again. It is just as well. It seemed that every time I tried to talk to a woman the app showed was 5 miles away she was actually just driving by and lived 80 miles away. I would talk to them but it wasn’t a feasible relationship.

This was fun to write. I hope it was fun to read. If you made it this far. I think I will schedule it for Sunday.


Heart colored pencils

First off, I’ve never messed with a married woman. I was cheated on badly by someone I thought we were both in true love. I have talked to married women to see what they were thinking but that’s it. Last night a married woman contacted me even though I gave no hint I was looking for a married woman. The second reason I won’t fool around with a married woman is they want way more from a man than a single woman wants. She didn’t tell me she was married until a few text messages in. I think that is something you would make clear right away. But sure enough, she started telling me what she was looking for. “I want butterflies, I want to feel weak in the knees, a real connection, I want, can’t wait to hear from him, etc…” Verbatim from other married women I’ve talked to online. They are looking to relive the time when they first met their husband 25 years ago.

I told her I didn’t think I was the man she was looking for but she must have ignored it. We only texted for a couple hours last night but she already sounded like she was getting attached to me. She’s telling me what a nice guy I am for not wanting to get involved in someone’s marriage and then she is trying to talk me into getting involved in her marriage.

Last night she told me to sleep on it and if I like the idea text her today. That sounded easy. I woke up this morning and didn’t text her. Game over, right? Oh no… She texted me in the afternoon just to ask if I was having a nice day. Then again to ask if I thought about it. I waited a couple hours because I thought if I didn’t text her first that meant I wasn’t interested. She texted me again so I decided to start fucking with her. I made up a half fact/half fiction backstory with a fake job and fake schedule and went with it. She is ready to start cheating on her husband after just a couple hours of texting. She has no idea who I am. She’s got it all planned out; when we will meet, where we will meet, how often we would meet. If I was a scumbag I would have it made in the shade.

From what I’ve seen online, married people want to cheat with other married people. Because of what I call mutually assured destruction. The implication that if you ruin my marriage I will ruin yours, so watch out!

I was wondering when I would tell her I chickened out but I guess I don’t have to do that now. She asked me if I live in Manchester and I said no, on the Seacoast. She didn’t text back. Maybe she had me confused with some other guy because I wasn’t hiding where I live. She said she contacted more than just me.

That’s funny. After we “discovered” our schedules lined up and it would be workable, she said, “… maybe it was meant to be, lol” Maybe it wasn’t meant to be, lol!

I wouldn’t have fucked with her but I told her I wasn’t the guy directly after she told me she was married and what she wanted. She was ready to fuck up her marriage and family life over a few text messages with a guy who could manage not sounding like a pig for 2 hours. No wonder all these horny married men prey on lonely housewives. I can see why Ashley Madison is such big business!

Update: She texted back she lives 2 hours away but said that would not be too far to travel for the right man! She sent me pictures. She doesn’t look like she would have any trouble finding a man who lives closer to her. Is she trying to catfish me? Why wouldn’t she catfish another “lonely” married man? I’m single. I don’t care. I’m done talking to her.