Perpetual Motion

My daughter bought a new Big Muff pedal for her bass guitar. It was the first thing she said when I texted her this morning and she sent a picture of it. Her mom said she has been dying to tell me. She is up in her room rocking the house. I guess I lost her now. Her mom says she can hear it downstairs in the kitchen. I remember what it was like to get all excited about the guitar. She texted me an audio and I recognized the song immediately as one of the bands she got me listening to. She sounded just like it.

She also turned 15 and a half which means she can drive a car as long as she is with someone over 21 years old. I can’t believe it happened so fast. They bought her a black BMW last summer. It is a 2005 but it is in good condition. They bought it for only $800 because the owner thought the head gasket was blown. They drove it home and it turned out to be something much easier to fix than a head gasket. I am jealous! Her step dad works on motors for a living so he is quite handy. He fixes all the cars. She is going to be the coolest kid next summer! Last summer she was afraid and said she didn’t want to get her license. But now after seeing the car in the driveway and having been out driving in parking lots she is excited about it. She says she won’t be able to drive it in the snow because it is rear wheel drive. I told her about the huge rear wheel drive cars I had to drive when I was a kid. I couldn’t wait for it to snow so I could go out and do donuts. So much fun!

Tuesday

I yelled at my doctor yesterday. I asked him, what the fuck do you think I am doing over here? Having a 24 hour party? Kicking back in the sun? It’s me and my cat in the middle of fucking winter and I don’t own a car! (I hate winter!) I’m spending half the day scared to death for no good reason and the other half I’m reading the computer and watching tv at the same time to distract from the voices. I told him I fired my therapist (he already knew) and said I can’t fire him. What am I going to do? Get a new doctor who can send me to the hospital by fucking with my medications?


I don’t really have a New Year’s resolution to post less on here. I’m just having trouble functioning well enough to sit down and write. One thing I did think of as resolutionish is to try to be more positive. I know I have a lot of angry posts but a lot of the time it is my anger that inspires me to write. I have been trying to wait until I calm down before I open up the editor. For instance; the rant about my doctor could have taken up a few long paragraphs if I had written it directly after the conversation which happened yesterday.


I am getting excited about my daughter driving. She is going to be the baddest bitch (It’s a joke, we taught her not to let anyone call her a bitch) at her school next summer. Driving a sleek, black BMW with her bass guitar in the back. The car is 15 years old but still in good condition. It’s an automatic so she can’t take after me. When I was married we had a 10 year old BMW with a stick shift. I would take it out at night down the curvy, coast road and bounce the tachometer between 3 and 6,000 as I raced through the gears. It was my favorite way to blow off steam!

Wednesday

She drove herself to school today! Well, she needs an adult with her but she drove. It’s her first day back at school so I have mixed feelings with the virus happening. I can’t believe she is driving already! Like yesterday she was a tiny little Peanut strapped into the back seat. I’m so excited for her! She is going to be killing it when she gets her license this summer. She already has her own car. Nobody needs to know it cost $800. Seriously, though, where are you going to get an $800 BMW in good shape. They got lucky. It must have come from some guy with a lot of money who couldn’t be bothered to fix it. He probably just wanted it out of his yard. It didn’t even need a new engine. She will be stylin’!


I can’t believe the shit that is happening now! He gave a speech where the main theme was “we will never stop fighting” to a bunch of people he has been lying about a fraudulent election and they walked directly to the capitol building, to “not stop fighting,” and killed people and they are debating if he had anything to do with it. I’m scared because I’m not on the side that owns all the guns. Did you all see the congresswoman on television with her speech being broadcast around the world while she wore a mask that said “censored?” That is the line they are feeding the public. They are making it a freedom of speech issue. Telling them they are being silenced. Breaking into buildings and killing people is not free speech.

Thursday

The sobriety blog I follow finally posted this month after advertising last month they would be doing a “Dry January.” They did a “Dry July” and posted twice a day and inexplicably disappeared near the end of the month. They took a couple months off and only posted sporadically. I think it is funny because the blog is professional and they have links to join their “community.” I clicked the link today and it brought me to a page with a picture of a cell phone. I assume they have a sobriety app. Maybe they are too busy with the app to work on the blog. I don’t know. I’ve never contacted them. I don’t like the idea of having an app on my phone that tracks me and says I’m an alcoholic.

Friday

My fucking therapist called today like it was an ordinary missed appointment and left a voicemail to reschedule! Is she drunk? It was only last week I told her to fuck off, don’t call me back and hung up the phone twice. The second time I hung up was her calling back to ask if I wanted her to call me back today??? I told her, what did I just say? It was only a week ago. I was emphatic telling her not to call me back; twice!

Saturday

Good news! I’m going to visit my daughter Monday. They made her go back to school in person and they made some messed up schedule. They split them into two groups and they go to school two days every two days. She goes in Tuesday and Wednesday and the other group goes Thursday and Friday etc… I don’t see how jumping days around is going to fool the virus.

Quite Contrite

Thursday, January 7th 2021:

A penitent president backed down from his fiery rhetoric today. It seems the only thing he fears more than losing power is losing his social media accounts! What a loser!

I spent today texting relatives that there were really only about 500 protesters at the capitol building yesterday. Not 10,000 like the media was trying to say. They kept using close up view of the crowd to make it look like a lot of people were there but when they showed the camera from across the street you could tell it was mostly empty space. It was just a number of hardcore members and the rest just wandered over from the president’s rally. Once they were there they didn’t seem to know what to do next.

Friday

I just pulled a nutty on my therapist again. She said, “You sound frustrated.” I sound frustrated? Yes. Being lied to by my doctor and my therapist over five years just frustrates the heck out of me. I am so darn frustrated. Fuck you! I’m pissed! “It sounds like you aren’t coming from a place of trust.” Do you think? My doctor is next on Monday.

Saturday

I’ve lost my daughter. Now I’m just some weird guy who shows up on weekends. I’ve been replaced by her step father who does all the things with her that I should be doing but I can’t. She is almost 16. She has lived with him for 13 years. I was only there for 3. I can’t compete. He is there 24/7 and I am there on 1 day a week. I used to be proud of myself. My dad was a loser who abandoned me and the best thing he did for my family was die and leave a pittance. I was proud of myself for showing up every week. I spent 6 years driving an hour and a half each way. It wasn’t easy but I was there. Now I live closer and she doesn’t want me there every week. When I was married my grandfather in law would joke, You know, you can be replaced…. and laugh. But that is exactly what happened. I was replaced. The good part of it is her step dad is a good person. He does everything for the family. I don’t know what I would do if he was an asshole. Maybe I am just too emotional. I cried all night last night. I’m starting to cry right now. It’s not like I just took off on her. It wasn’t my fault I couldn’t work and support a family. I can’t drive. I can’t go places with her. I’m mental. I’m an embarrassment.

Tuesday 1/5/21 I think

I slept a couple hours in the afternoon and when I woke up the clock said 6 and it was completely dark out. I felt like I had just slept 12 hours. I got out of bed, made some coffee, wondering why the hell I was awake so early in the morning. All my clocks just said 6:00 and my watch is analog. My computer is the only clock in the house that tells AM/PM. So it certainly was 6pm Tuesday and not 6am Wednesday! Should I drink the coffee? Just kidding. I’m on my second cup! It’s been over an hour and I keep thinking it’s Morning. I’m confused! I rarely take naps and if I do it will be less than hour. I never sleep 2 hours and wake up feeling like I slept all night. It’s still stuck on me. I want to open the blinds to let the sunshine in but it is absolutely dark outside.

Wednesday

Wow! They are trying to get inside the Capitol building…

Now they are in! Nothing like this has happened before. No police in riot gear, no rubber bullets, no tear gas?

I can’t tell. It seems like they are trying to make it look like a lot more people than are actually there. Tight camera shots on the crowd but empty space behind them. Most of them look like they are hanging around.

They are sensationalizing it on the news. I’ve been watching for more than an hour and the crowd is not any bigger. At the bottom of the steps it thins out to stragglers.

They are trying to make it seem bigger than it is so you will keep watching. I see hundreds of people. Not 10,000 like they are reporting. Half of them are leaving now and the media is still hyping it up.

I told my mom to put it on C-SPAN and calm down. They are reporting the protesters are leaving. They are showing it on camera. All the protesters on the steps are facing the cameras and not trying to get into the building. They are even using the crosswalks to cross the street legally.

Earlier I saw the views from inside where some of the protesters were “breaching” the capitol. Most of them taking videos with their cell phones. Maybe 20 people.

It’s going to be over soon. As soon as these people find out there is no place to use the bathroom.

What a joke he was!

A Literary View

Normal Heading Here

I’d like to say I am the most normal here. But it sometimes takes me so long to type, I forget what I am typing about. I take a drink of water and try to forget but it never comes to me. Not really. I wish I had it all together. I’m f’ing tripping my balls off since before Thanksgiving! But it’s not like I’m taking drugs, I mean I’m figuring shit out I never imagined before!!! WTF am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to sound, sound when I have been invalidated? What defense do I have when I am not to be believed?

What else would a well behaved man do on the 4th of the year? I don’t know? What if a lot of people you trusted turned out to be lying to you and it had a large affect over your life?


I can’t believe it’s after midnight and I have to prove myself.

I don’t know who knows where I am from but have you ever been judged, solely on you’re accent? I have a deep NH no matter how I try to disguise it.


I don’t know what to do? I feel like I’m failing all the time. I’m freaking most of the time people think I am being normal! I got to such extremes! The littleness shit can make me freak out for days And these people ask me questions on the phone and determine my fate from my answers? WTF? Again? You know they are calling many people per day. But, But, But, they don’t have to treat you like a piece of shit when you do talk live?


You don’t know what these meds do to you! I took my night to get up early to see my daughter. For some strange reason I woke up a few hours later and it was dark and I thought I didn’t take my dark meds and took them again but it was too late; I was completely awake!


You don’t know when it will happen. You don’t know who will say what? But sometimes a small phrase will be the ultimate!!! No, I’m not eating anything special. Anyone can do it when they piece the puzzle together. I am demonstrably ignorant of what they pulled on me but I can’t see it any other way now!


I still don’t know what day it is. Now I know because I looked! It’s wicked early Mundee if you haven’t guessed my accent. I bought radishes but they are pretty spicy.


Of course I’m not imagining the pearly gates. lol I could barely spell it! It’s just what am I in line for? 43 best schizophrenic in the world? Wouldn’t that be weird if I did push that shit on you? The DSM? Do you feel like being diagnosed? There is definitely a medication for it! They tell you, you are better for it!

Initializing

My resolution was to stop writing here! It looks like I could only make it two days. I actually only wanted to keep everyone in suspense. All my writing about saying, fuck it and getting drunk on the holiday must have had some wondering. The main thing that stopped me was the thought of a hangover. The older I get the more hungover I get and I didn’t want that. I would have to be very committed.

I would have had an uneventful night except for seeing the Time Square celebration in NY. There was no crowd! The few people there had masks and were 6 feet apart sitting in little cubicles. Imagine going there and they make you sit there dressed in their Planet Fitness attire a mile away from the action? And then they have you outnumbered by matching, inflatable crazy arm waving Planet Fitness people. It was so funny I had to text everyone about it. Texting jokes about what was on television made up the majority of my New Year night.

I never thought Times Square would be a fun place to be on NYE anyway but this time it looked worse. I always thought I would hate being crammed in with the crowds. Now I think I would hate being outnumbered by performers and cameras and still not being able to see any of the action. I hope those spectators were paid instead of paying!

The mask rules seemed arbitrary like they do everywhere else on television events. If you were in the band you had to wear a mask. Unless you were a singer, then no mask as you forcefully aspirated over the microphone? We got a good laugh at Seacrest’s lack of hair and makeup. It must be by choice because everyone else looked pretty good. And what was with the interviews? He had to wear a mask? He didn’t have to wear a mask? Some other guy had a huge microphone covered in fur on a 6 foot stick shoved in the interveiwee’s face. Like, where are you from? Ima fmufflemmufflemuffel! Oh! Fantastic!

I did want to get drunk, purely out of spite. I was so pissed off heading into the holiday. Professionals I trusted and I was completely open and honest with have been lying to me and playing dumb for the past 5 years! They don’t care about helping me. Their main concern is I keep taking their meds for the rest of my life. My new resolution is to keep pushing the “I’m cured” theory and ask them to debunk it. Why am I taking these medications for years if they aren’t making me better?

Okay, I broke another promise. I did write Wednesday and schedule for tomorrow. But, technically that was written last year and you have no idea when I wrote this. I may have scheduled a full year of posts and keep my promise not to write on here at all! What do you think?

The Witching Hour

Monday

12/28/20: I just rage walked to the pharmacy. I was forced to go and it was a close call I might get rained on. The reason I had to walk on this particular day is because you can only pick up controlled meds one day in advance. Even though mine won’t kill me. While I was there though, they gave me 3 more months worth of another med that can kill me. Do you think they warned me not to take too much?

I say rage walked because that is usually what I do while I am walking down the street. I scream at everyone who has wronged me. It doesn’t matter; Nobody can hear me, they have their windows rolled up. For all they know I am probably singing along with my iTunes. It’s cathartic. It takes about an hour to walk to and from the pharmacy. By then I have yelled at everyone I know. I feel calmer now than most days at 2pm. It was satisfying to only feel 2 raindrops on my face as I stuck my key in the door.


I used to have a friend who lived 2 miles away over the border where it is recreational but sitting in her car in my state for the same thing could land her in jail.


Dude! For like ten minutes I was totally going to get wasted! I wanted to get two big bottles of red wine. I don’t even drink wine. I do sometimes but it would be rare. I do like red though. Higher alcohol content! Then it just went away…

Wednesday 12/30/2020:

I am spending the holidays alone so I took a quick look at the hook up site on Christmas and just this morning. JFC! These guys don’t change a thing. They just keep trying with the same shit they post everyday. They don’t even acknowledge it is Christmas or New Year’s Eve coming up. What cracks me is the married guys. That’s right. After a year of searching, Christmas day is the day you are going to find another married woman to help you cheat on your wife! (Did your husband take his phone into the bathroom Christmas morning?) NYE is tomorrow and I haven’t seen one mention of it. Just copy and paste ads from the same men who have no luck every day…


I’ve really been thinking of tying one on tomorrow night and starting off the New Year hungover! If the store I can walk to sells champagne I think I will. It popped (no pun intended) into my head last week but I wasn’t really serious about it. But now I think, what am I going to do? Sit here and watch awful music on television and see the ball drop? I will if I can get my girlfriends to come over but they were just here last night and one of them has kids so they will probably stay home.


Yeah, my girlfriends are staying home so I probably won’t get drunk. It’s just stuck in my head. It’s my second favorite holiday next to the 4th of July. Even though I don’t think the change to a new year is something special.

Lol. I just saw the sobriety blog I follow gearing up to get people to try “Dry January.” I guess it’s okay if I stop drinking before midnight tomorrow? Let’s hope it goes better than “Dry July”, where the people who run the blog apparently relapsed the last week of the month and stopped posting tips and stories about being sober! I stayed sober in July. I’m relentless!


I’ve done some cat fishing but do you want to know who answers me most often when I am obviously looking to meet a woman? I’ll tell you right now. Your husband! This is a typical reply I will get: “50’s MWM, 6’2″ 250lbs want to be your submissive little cocksucking slut!” First of all; What? I’m 5’10” 200, how is that even supposed to work? A lot of the time they send me an unsolicited picture of themselves wearing their wive’s underwear. It is usually too small as their hairy chest is too broad to snap the bra. Being married is the first thing they mention. I’ve teased them and it is because married men can’t be out sucking everyone off. But how can that be true if they are offering to suck off any random stranger on the internet?

The last guy who answered me had a copy and paste form letter he sent out to all the straight guys. (All the gay guys aren’t looking for each other because it’s STD dangerous, I guess) He said he was 50, bottom, submissive, likes to wear panties and masculine. (I guess?) What did he think would turn me on about that description? (he went on about what a nice guy and fun he was) The total opposite of what I was looking for. I don’t care what you do but what are you trying to do? Turn me? I sent back a message saying I thought you were BORN gay? Now it’s a CHOICE? I went off on him but not too much. He came back with a picture of his dick and all caps saying he had that up my mother’s ass last night! (So much for nice, fun guy) But WTF? Just because a big hairy guy is wearing lace doesn’t make him attractive to me. Are straight women answering gay guy’s ads trying to turn them?

I’m just going off because that was my last interaction on a dating site. I don’t know what these guys are thinking they can get laid during the holiday season. Everyone is home with their wife and kids. Nobody is going to get a babysitter and go out and fuck you Christmas or New Year’s.

Lol, I just got laid last night. I don’t even know what I’m talking about? It worked out great! The night before I made my sex playlist on my iPad. Which is basically all the songs I never got out of my chair to hit skip on my ancient iPod Classic. I have excellent taste in music. Last time I was in a bar they had an internet connected juke box and I played the shit out of that mother fucker! People used to listening to Irish jigs were like, “Wow! Who played this song? I love it!” Every time it was me because I was the only one putting any money into the machine. I can rock a place old or new, usually both at the same time! Ah good times… That was the last time I was manic and publicly drunk.

Sabbath Bloody Sabbath!

Saturday

12/26/20: I follow a Qanon guy who pretends he discovered all of the conspiracies himself. He says he does his “research.” He’s always putting 2 and 2 together and expecting people to come up with 5. Before he got on a plane to fly to Texas and back he said, “The media can’t stop Christmas!” I wasn’t aware the media was trying to stop Christmas. Everything I saw on television since Thanksgiving was advertisements to buy gifts or some Christmas themed show. The president ruined my Christmas by slowing down the post office in a failed attempt to sway the election. I was a good little consumer and ordered presents for my daughter a month early. None of them arrived yet. I have always been a big fan of the USPS. For 50 cents I could send important paperwork 3,000 miles across the country and it would arrive in 2 days. So why is it taking months now? What changed?

“Media stopping Christmas guy” also blogged about how masks are MORE likely to make you sick. Thanks. I don’t get to see any other living humans, especially family for the holidays. Last spring I did everything asked of me. I stayed home when I could. I wore a mask everywhere I went. For 3 months! So why is it worse now?


One of the companies I ordered from used a private shipping firm. The package got stuck in Pennsylvania (a battleground election state) for a week before I got notice it was sent out last Saturday. It was sent out but it’s been 7 days and it hasn’t been seen since. Pennsylvania is only one day drive in a truck.

It doesn’t matter where you are on the planet, the USPS already knows how to deliver to you. No other company wants to do that, no other company can do that. So why was the post office kneecapped?


Last year I got a text on Christmas, said, it’s Lisa, how are you? I’m like, ??? Lisa? That was a very popular name 35- 45 years ago??? Good thanks. How have you been? She said, Horrible. Who text someone you don’t know on Christmas to say life sucks? I figured out which Lisa it was. She told me talking to another person while you are in a relationship is like emotional cheating. I remember I asked her if you weren’t supposed to talk to friends you had before you got into the relationship? Christmas last year, her boyfriend half dumped her. He said he didn’t want to be a couple but he still wanted to do “what couples do”. She went with it. I guess I came in as the guy she wanted to do the “dating” part of being a couple and go home and have sex with him? The person she is/isn’t in a relationship with? Is that emotional cheating? I remember her as one of the Lisas in my contacts. But I took her out. How long do you leave a name in there if you barely even texted before?


Maybe that broad bailed when she saw my apartment looked like a schizophrenic lives here? I can put something down and it won’t ever move again! I don’t mean I’m a hoarder but there is a lot of shit just sitting around. Wow! I should send out pictures of my apartment! Now that I look around that does seem plausible.

Sunday

It’s Sunday morning and I have almost made it through another holiday weekend. Congratulations, me! Congratulations to my beard too. I was going to get rid of it but it’s growing on me. lol My beard, it’s growing on me.

I tried to get a selfie of my cat sleeping with me this morning. But only my big fat head or his big fat catness would fit in the camera lens. I chose his big fat cat ass to send out to my mom and daughter.

My daughter’s half brother tested negative for Covid! They got the results yesterday so that was a nice gift. I will probably get to visit later this week. Her boyfriend is going to be there tomorrow. I was surprised she told me herself. It is the first time she has acknowledged his existence to me in the past 6 or more months. I met him once back when they were both in middle school. We were all riding together to a talent show at the high school. They were just friends back then. The only thing I remember about him was thinking that he seemed like a genuinely good person. Not that I had a clue he would be hanging out with my daughter in high school but if I did know I would have approved. I already knew she had a good judge of character. I wonder if that is genetic? Both her mom and I are that way.

It’s only Sunday morning and I’m not sure how I feel. My first sip of coffee tasted good without mishaps. I did have a screaming match with my keyboard over a typo. I think I won but maybe not. I just had a typo typing the word typo. (say that 5 times fast)

Bottoms Up!

I didn’t think about it until last night. I wasn’t worried about drinking on Christmas but then New Year’s Eve popped into my head. It is the only time I would drink champagne but I love champagne! That’s going to be a huge trigger! The holiday falls on Friday night of a three day weekend and it’s a traditional celebration (party) for me. If I drank wine it would be bad news. It goes down so sweet and fast. I would quickly be more drunk than intended. It’s like those people who only have 2 glasses. They chug them so they get that quick hit of high blood alcohol concentration. Then it goes away in an hour but they like it because in addition they get that leftover feel good that comes after good laughing.


All I wanted to do is leave a message for my therapist telling her to call me back AFTER Christmas to reschedule tomorrow’s appointment. She called me anyway. I don’t know why because she is not available until January. I don’t know why she thought anything had changed since last Friday when I was yelling at her the whole time. I definitely don’t want to talk to her and get pissed off right before Christmas when I’m not able to visit my daughter. Did she think I wanted to calmly discuss it after nothing had been resolved? I was even more angry after talking to her. Excuse me, I wasn’t angry. I was livid.

Thursday

I follow a sobriety blog because they did a “Dry July” and posted twice a day articles from people who are sober. But they didn’t finish the month because (I think) the person organizing it relapsed at the end of the month. They didn’t post again until the 2nd week of August. They are a blog trying to get you to join their alcohol free “community.” I don’t do that but I read them once in a while when they post. Today they posted something about 15 years in the title. I was thinking, finally someone with some time under their belt. But the first line said, “I can count on one hand the number of sober Christmas’ I’ve had in the past fifteen years… Two.” That wasn’t very encouraging. My aunt quit forty years ago with no outside help. I was hoping to read about how someone stayed sober for years. Why would I join their community if I have been sober longer than they have?


I saw my daughter today! Well, part of her. She was wearing a mask. They gave me a ride to the grocery store and saved my Christmas! I mortgaged my future and bought steak for tonight and tomorrow on my credit card. That’s not all I got but it made me feel better. They brought my new speakers so I got the bass line bumpin’! I had to go with no sleep but it was worth seeing people today.

I had to walk to get my hair cut. It’s about a mile each way. They didn’t plow the sidewalks for some reason. The town has a driving snowthrower designed for it and we had about a foot of snow last week. I had to walk on the edge of the road and hear people hammer on the gas as they came up behind me. This town isn’t very pedestrian friendly. It was worth it though. My hair was out of control because this was the first warm walking weather we’ve had in a long time. I wanted to look good for Christmas even though I am going to be alone. It gives me a boost. I don’t know why. It will probably be too long again the next time I see an actual person.

Angry, lonely, bored and holiday season. I have all the ingredients for a big drinking session. I really don’t think I will succumb but wish me luck.


Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays or hopefully you have some vacation days. Whatever you celebrate. Have fun!

Dang it!

Tuesday

12/22/20: The dog in the picture had been dead so long she had totally forgotten about him and was surprised by the question of what breed he is. That’s how old the picture was. The woman in the picture sent me an email the day after we met to “let me down easy.” She seemed like a really nice person, we just didn’t hit it off. I just wrote back; thanks for writing most people just ghost and leave you wondering, nice meeting you, thanks again. To tell the truth it was obvious we weren’t what each other were looking for and I was planning on just ghosting her. But what was she thinking surprising me when I woke up in the morning and giving me 15 minutes to get ready. I wasn’t expecting to meet her until later that day.


When my daughter was 8 she refused to curse. I don’t know why. Both her mom and I swear like sailors. I drop F bombs like I am a B-52. Instead of swearing she would say “Dang it!” and smile because she knew she was being funny. I don’t know how she learned which words she can’t say. Do they put a list on the board at school? We never had to admonish her because she never uttered a bad word. She is 15 now and the worst she will say is something, “sucks.”


Right now I am saying “dang it!” because for once I didn’t wait to shop last minute. I knew the mail would be slow and I ordered my daughter a few things way back around thanksgiving. I am tracking them online and only one has a chance of making it on time. It is in tracking limbo. It left Pennsylvania 3 days ago and still hasn’t arrived at a facility or hasn’t been scanned yet. It does figure into the usual state of my life that the one thing I ordered for myself less than a week ago has already arrived at her house. I ship my own packages there because people in my apartment building steal packages down by the mailbox area.


My daughter is doing school remotely but her half brothers who go to school in the same town have to be present in the school for half the week. Doesn’t make sense to me either. They all live in the same house. A kid in one of her brother’s classes tested positive for COVID so just that one class has to quarantine at home. Like the kid who tested positive didn’t come into contact with anyone else in the whole school. Sorry, but that is just retarded. Sorry if I offended anyone with that word but I am old and that is how we used the word back then.


I feel bad for yelling at my therapist but it had to be done. I wasn’t angry with her for not knowing the answer to my question, I was angry because she is trying to tell me of all her network of people who work in the field… Nobody has ever even heard of someone in my situation? My case is far from unique. I’m not asking for the answer. I’m asking for direction toward who to call for the answer. It is someone who works for the state but I’m not calling every office in the state giving my info only to find I am talking to the wrong office. She works with the state regularly and has no idea who to call to ask this question? No idea?


I know what happened on my end but what was that woman expecting to see when she showed up. I am afraid to send my selfies because they look so horrible. I use the rear facing camera, I don’t use any filters, I don’t retouch the photo, I don’t even crop it, and I’m in bad fluorescent light reflected off plain white walls. If I look uglier in real life than I do in that picture, I am in trouble!

Imagine if I said fuck it and got drunk and went internet crazy this weekend? I can see it now… I wake up and I look at my phone to see I’ve been texting three different women from a dating site (I can be quite lugubrious when I am drunk) and whoa! One of them is coming over in a few hours! Shit! I’m hungover like a dog!


I have to get up in the morning. Usually I can’t get to sleep until 4 or 5 in the morning. These people can’t fathom why I don’t have a normal schedule like they do. They work in the profession. I am on disability for schizoaffective disorder. I take 5 medications for it. They can’t think of one reason why I may have trouble sleeping? What do they think is going on here when I am by myself all the time? Do they think I am partying my tits off? I’m having such a great time I just can’t wait until 3am to watch that vacuum cleaner commercial… Again? They always ask how much coffee I drink. Like, yeah, I’ve been doing this 20 years and I’m too stupid to figure out coffee might be keeping me awake. I barely drink any coffee but thanks for that excellent solution!

Wednesday

Wow! I wasn’t expecting that! I caught my therapist in a lie and called her out on it and now she is being vindictive and fucking with me 2 days before Christmas! Wow!

Easy Like Sunday Morning

Monday

12/14/20: Christmas is approaching faster than I thought. I don’t have much money so it is a good thing my daughter is the only one I have to shop for. I would love to buy her that new bass but that is out of reach. I probably want to get it for her because I think it is as cool as she thinks it is. Her group present this year is going to be a nice laptop for school and hopefully longer. I’ve been trying to think of little things I can get sent to her in the mail she can open and be surprised. She may not like them but she will be surprised! So far I got her a set of guitar picks with her nickname embossed on them. I don’t know if they are usable but whatever. I ordered Disturbed: Down with the Sickness 30th anniversary album on vinyl. I’m not sure if she will like it but we have similar taste in music. I did realize I had never listened to the whole thing before, (yes, impulse buy) so I YouTube’d it and I couldn’t get through the whole thing. I already know she likes two songs. I also found a 7″ vinyl recording from one of her bands, Royal Blood: Trouble’s Coming. I think she will like that. It has the lyrics etched on the reverse. Knowing her and the way she likes to buy stuff for herself she already has it. I didn’t ask her this weekend because I didn’t want to ruin the surprise. I did tell her to keep an eye on the mail but the way it has been slowed down this year who knows if she will get anything by Christmas. But, completely out of character for me, I didn’t wait until the last minute to shop. So we shall see.

Tuesday

My daughter got her MacBook today. Her mom says she is “amped.” I am happy for her. She should be able to use it for years. She says she wants to buy the bass for herself so I am going to give her a little cash for that. I asked her a few years ago what is better, presents or money and she said, “CASH!”

She is finally dragging me into this century as far as music is concerned. I’ve been stuck in the 90’s for 30 years. I just couldn’t find anything I would like to listen to enough to commit to downloading onto my device. She has her finger on the pulse of all the unknown or indie bands and I like most of them. Like I said, Finally my kind of music is coming back. If you like straight hard power trio style rock I have some bands for you! Zig Mentality, Royal Blood and Dead Poet Society. (That is poet without an ‘S’, not like the movie, I made that mistake) Dead Poet Society has a really good CD called “Dempsey.” You can listen to all of them online for free. I like them well enough to pay for the download and they look like they could use the money.


9pm Tuesday night and I’ve been rehearsing what I’m going to say to my therapist when I finally talk to her Friday. It’s not going well! My cat has been hiding under the couch for the past hour! I really don’t see how I don’t escalate into yelling at my therapist within seconds of answering the phone. I’m trying not to but that’s how it keeps happening when I go through it out loud here in my living room. She has been lying to me or going to extremes not to answer a specific question that has a serious impact on the rest of my life. First they tried pretending I didn’t ask and hoping I would somehow forget. This has been happening for 4 months! People lie to me and I don’t say anything so they think I believe them. And they are like, wow, I can’t believe he fell for that bullshit. Next time I can bullshit him even more. They don’t know I am just gathering ammunition and letting them fall further down the trust scale. What they lie about tells me what I need to know. I don’t need to know any more. It’s time for me to start telling the truth!

Wednesday

I know I will be dropping “F Bombs” on my therapist but what if I call her names like you fucking bitch or worse? Would she get mad and hang up? Would she try to get me to calm down and see things rationally? That’s what will piss me off more. I don’t want her gaslighting me like my doctor tried to do. Just because I’m manic doesn’t mean I’m not coherent. It doesn’t mean I haven’t thought things through.

Thursday

Snow today. The older I get the less I like it. My daughter says she won’t go outside today.

Two things have shipped, one still just says I ordered it. Nothing else.

I downloaded those songs. It sucks because I have to do it on a computer because one of my devices only downloads from usb. It is like 15 year old ipod. It still works great. It plugs into a old time radio/docking station with the metal telescoping antennae. I bought myself a present. I got a set of wireless bookshelf speakers so I can use bluetooth and listen with good bass and in stereo. I have a sub woofer attached to my computer but it won’t connect to my music. I watch YouTube a lot. Ha! It was easy to play my music in Windows 10. I never wanted to try. It has a shuffle button but it doesn’t seem to work. It’s playing most recent. Gloria Gaynor: “I Will Survive” I don’t have much of that stuff on my computer but Cake does the best cover of it and I have that in my collection. Never mind. I can’t deal without shuffle. Back to the old school. The thing cranks. I listen to the volume on 12 if I don’t want anyone to hear me. The most I’ve had it up to was 40 and that was too much. I was pissed at the people upstairs so I pointed the speakers at the ceiling in my bedroom, shut the door and listened well from my living room! The knock on the door came at 3am. It’s digital so I don’t know how high it will go. Will it stop at 100? Who knows?

Friday

I just went totally fucking psycho on my therapist! It worked. She started working on shit before I got off the phone with her. She kept telling me it was a work in progress and I told her not to say that because there has been no progress and nobody has been working on it. It sucks I have to pull a nutty on them to get a response to something I’ve been asking calmly for the last 4 months. She tried to do it to me. “You sound like you might be getting manic.” “Some of this sounds delusional”. I told her to shut up she is just pissing me off!

Scared the shit out of my cat while I was on the phone with her. He wouldn’t come near me and was running around. He is the most chill cat though. He is already back to normal. I threatened to stop taking all my meds. Later on she asked me if I would continue taking my meds. I said I can’t say no or you will call the cops on me. Fuckers!


A woman came to my place this morning. I woke up and got an email that said call me if you see this! I called and she said she was 15 minutes away is it okay if she stops by. My coffee maker hadn’t even finished yet but I said yes. I took a quick shower and chugged the cup of coffee dispensed. She got here and she looked 10 years older than her picture and she already looked pretty old in her picture! Her cheeks continued down to her neck without interruption and she had one of those stenciled on faces you see in cartoons. I understand people using out of date pics but she named the picture with a recent date! I asked her what kind of dog was in the background of the pic and she said, I don’t have a dog! The photo was framed to have her face in the foreground and the dog was in the center It’s not like he just wandered into the shot. My picture actually was taken last week. It doesn’t matter. We weren’t each other’s types and we both made the other nervous. It was an anxiety fest!