You Got That Right!


“Every night I fall asleep at 10 and every night they wake me up at 11 to give me a fucking sleeping pill! Ain’t that some shit?” Steve was my roommate in the mental hospital. Luckily I was in for mania so he never got bored late at night.

I have a similar problem as Steve. Everyone’s solution is for me to set an alarm to wake up and take my sleeping pill. Nobody says it with a trace of irony. (Is that the right word? It feels like the right word.) My night meds only give me about 4 hours of sleep and I take them around 5am to avoid the most boring part of the day. The problem is last night I fell partially asleep early and woke up at 5. I have to decide if it is time to take my day meds or my night meds. I took my night meds because I only got a couple hours of half sleep. Sounds simple, right? It didn’t work. Now I am sitting here in limbo. I just had 2 cups of coffee to wake up but my med kicked in for sleep. Fuck! Lucky you.

Someone has a Black Lab outside. He is running so fast. He is playing, you can’t get my stick, with his owner. Reminds me of a dog I had.


I haven’t slept in days. I lie in bed until the fear pushes me out. It’s time to get up, right? Make coffee. Cook some lentils. I’m fine. I can type my way through a paragraph, I must be okay. I’ve got the red, squiggly line to tell me I made a typo or forgot how to spell a word. I’ve got Grammarly in my head. Nobody knows I got up and walked around. Nobody knows I’ve been sitting here staring at the cursor blinking for 10 minutes. Texting is even easier. The phone does everything for me. Don’t know what to say? Type in an emoticon and buy myself some time. Always composing. Keeping myself composed. My therapist thinks I”m doing great because I can fake my way through a 20 minute phone call. Good thing we don’t do video and she can’t see what I’m doing on my end. Good thing she can’t see what is going on inside my head.

My Black Lab’s name was Blue Moon. He was a big dumb dog. He had so much energy. If I didn’t take him out and run him hard for an hour every day he would destroy the inside of the house. Every night after work I would take him on the beach and chuck the ball with the stick. You couldn’t say any “B” words around him. Beach, ball, bone, Blue… He would flip and start barking to go outside. He didn’t care if it was February and below zero and I was freezing my ass off. He would get hot. He would go into the ocean and cool down. He wasn’t really that dumb. He was smart enough to know if he kept the ball he didn’t have to go back inside. I was smarter though. I always kept a second ball in my back pocket. He was such a good dog. (See. You didn’t know I took a 5 minute break to cry and make some more coffee.) He lived to be 12. That’s pretty good for a Lab. It’s not just the death of a dog that makes me sad. It’s the death of everything I had back then. No more family. No wife, no baby, no stupid dogs.


Wednesday got way too long so I turned it into today’s blog post. I guess I had a lot on my mind.

I still can’t figure out what the difference between my good days and bad days. Yesterday I was raging and hearing things and the room was flashing bright and dim and changing colors. Today I’m back to my regular not so bad anxiety. Other days my voice and anxiety are so bad I’m frozen in bed. I would like to blame it on my shift from barely any sleep to almost no sleep but all of this happens when I’m on a regular schedule.


I signed up for Uber so I can see my daughter tomorrow. I’ve never used it before. I put it off for a bit and now I am already nervous they won’t be able to find me. Everyone else finds me with GPS so I probably shouldn’t worry. Right? I just don”t want to miss my first ride.

I”ve calmed down since earlier this week but I’m still not sleeping. I was listening to a book until 6am. I would have given up on it sooner but I had nothing to replace it. The guy outlined his book in the introduction, The questions he was asking and he gave the data to back up the answers. Then he went on for 10 chapters repeating himself. He made the points clear in the intro and finished the book repeating everything he just said. He could have just made the intro and the wrap up into a smaller book and it would have been great.

One Step Over The Line


Is alcohol use disorder really a thing? Can’t I just be an alcoholic? Can it be cured? I used to have cigarette use disorder and I cured myself of that. At least I think I did. Smoking hasn’t crossed my mind since I finally quit I don’t know how many years ago. Right now I am in the throes of caffeine use disorder. I can’t stop myself. In fact, since I tried to quit a couple weeks ago I have lost all control and use more caffeine than before. Is there a disorder for every addictive or habit forming drug? I better call my doctor. I have a long list of confessions to make. Fuckers.


I was too depressed to kill myself last night. I just lay there in bed staring at my prescription bottles but I couldn’t move to get them. I just wanted everything to stop. Then came the guilt for thinking such a thing. My uncle’s suicide fucked up the whole family for generations. Do I want to do that to everyone I know? I woke up stupid crying. Snot running out of my nose and into my coffee. I drank it anyway. You know, caffeine use disorder. Then I felt fine.

I needed a ride to the veterinarian this morning. I can’t even take care of a stupid cat by myself. I can barely take care of myself. My ex wife showed up to give me a ride and I was all smiles and jokes. I really do feel fine now. Writing this is depressing but I will forget about it in a few minutes.

I can’t figure out what makes the difference on how I feel each day. Yesterday was normal. Nothing bad happened. I wasn’t dwelling on anything depressing. I watched football which I enjoy. Even though they got rid of the fans. (80 thousand drunk people screaming is part of the game.) Then midnight comes and I want to die?


I opened this up this morning to write something completely different. I thought I had some insight into what happened the other night. I can’t think of it right now. I’ve been raging again since I woke up. My head is pounding, my throat hurts from screaming and I pulled a muscle in my arm. Not from lifting something heavy. It was from tensing it up so much while I flipped out. I took some Advil for the pain but this isn’t the kind of pain designed for Advil.

My therapist would try to tell me to “stay in the moment”, “take deep breaths”, “maintain your focus”, “Just be mindful.” Yeah, step on the tracks in front of a speeding train. It’s easy when it’s easy.


Yesterday I told my case manager I think I was cured. She asked me if I was still taking my meds. I said I think that is what cured me and she said she wasn’t sure that is how it works. I asked her if taking all these medications wasn’t supposed to cure me? I told her that because I want to see how long it takes someone else to ask if I’m taking my medications. They have conversations about me and make plans that have an effect on my life.


My therapist said the same thing when I told her I was cured. “I don’t think that’s how it works”, in a low voice. I asked her why I was taking medication for so long if it doesn’t work? They will probably tell my doctor they are worried I will stop taking my meds. I don’t care. I only have two minutes on the phone with him each time. He will ask if I am still taking them and I will say yes and he will order from the pharmacy. Seriously. I’ve been on psycho active meds for 30 years. You would think I would be good by now.

Glad that’s over

Robot Person

I can’t tell if I’m going up or down. My major depression has lifted but it still hits me for a few days here and there. My doctor put me on another anti-psychotic/anti-manic med about a year ago so I don’t know if I will get another manic phase. I have had some impulsivity, hypersexuality and engaging in risky behaviors but I have that when I’m depressed also. What I don’t have is the high pressure drive to do those things and I’m not pressured to talk people into a corner and euphoria. I don’t know if that is good for me because that is my favorite part of my mental illness. I feel like I want to stop my meds to get there. My voice has receded to a quiet annoyance, narrating everything I do. I can ignore it by concentrating on something else. Like writing this or reading or listening to music, etc… Over the past month or so I’ve been having more good days than bad.

I didn’t notice until I was talking to someone about it but I haven’t been thinking about alcohol as much as I used to do. I also haven’t had a day where I thought I was definitely going to end up getting drunk for a long time. It’s been since before Labor Day which was always an end of summer, celebrate by drinking day for me. The fourth of July I was sure I was going to drink. All my triggers were there at the same time and I had a definitive plan. I’m still not sure how I pulled that one off. I’ve had days since when I was one quick walk away from the store from getting shitfaced. But now I’m having days where alcohol doesn’t even cross my mind. I can see someone walk out of the store with a box of beer and I don’t think about, well, I could easily do that. I’m not sure when the transition started but I know a few months ago I thought the fixation would never go away. I think that is pretty good progress. But I also know I could be one day away from a bad episode I try to cure with alcohol.


Can 2 regular size cups of coffee make you fly into rages? Like screaming and wanting to break my keyboard just because I made a typo? Is that normal? It’s been happening more and more the past 2 weeks. This morning I almost destroyed my entire kitchen because they shut the water off. I’m not a violent person. The poor neighbors must think I’m up here beating my wife. It probably doesn’t sound like I live alone. Now that I think about it that happened before the coffee. I couldn’t make coffee because the water was shut off. Everything is resolved now but I am still flipping out. I’ve been missing my night meds by falling asleep at strange times but I take my mornings. It can’t be that, but this happens a lot lately. It fucks up my entire day. I can’t leave the house. My head is pounding and my upper body feels like it is engulfed in flames.

The girl who met me and went straight home to break up with her boyfriend texted me last Friday night. Apparently she wanted an update on my sex life. She asked me twice if I wanted her to come over. I had a choice. I could stay home alone on Friday night or I could have sex. I chose staying home alone because the whole situation is fucked. She still lives with her boyfriend. I don’t care if she says she broke up with him. He is still her boyfriend. You can’t just call a technicality.


Today is tomorrow already and last night never happened. 4am is my arbitrary bedtime. That means I have to decide if I am tired enough to take my night meds. It’s a gamble because I may be too wide awake for them to put me to sleep. That was an hour ago. I rolled the dice and came up snake eyes. I am still awake. I can’t try to sleep until 4am tomorrow. What do I do? Do I take my morning meds? It’s morning.


I am a violent person. I’m just violent on the inside. I abuse myself. You have to really be an asshole to get me to raise my voice. You have to do something purposely hurtful and particularly egregious for me to throw hands. When I am pissed at myself it only takes the smallest things to set me off. In half a second I could be raging. But if someone else does something to make me angry, it might take me days to realize I’m pissed. I have no problem letting small things go. But I have a couple things in my life I ruminate over and get fuming all over again. I just can’t reconcile them.


I wouldn’t call myself a success story. Most people don’t make it through the first year. Even AA says they only have a 5% success rate. That is there own estimate of people in the program who stay sober for one year.


I’m not going to see my daughter today. My nose has been running since I got up this morning. I’m not worried so much as I don’t want to be gross or make anyone nervous. Especially since the whole government just came down with the virus this past week.

The Singularity

Robot Person


If I don’t catch you in the first fifteen words, I have lost you forever! My daughter is still rocking the bass guitar. I only see her once a week so I really notice her progress. She has a new favorite band each week and she learns all their songs. She is a teenage hipster so she likes small, indie bands but the music is good.

I really didn’t think I was going to write a post for today. I couldn’t function towards the end of the week and it was all I could do to get to my daughter’s house yesterday. When I got home I was depressed and wanted to shut down but that is what inspired me to get up and write this morning. I wrote about how “Suicide Awareness day” didn’t help me at all. It just brought up horrible memories. So I wrote about one of them. Don’t read it if you are suicidal.


I did the big things I needed to do today. Then I took a long shower and shaved, knowing I’m not going to see or talk to anyone tonight. I feel pretty good about it.


I got the, “don’t call yourself schizophrenic, you are not your disease”, a couple weeks ago from one of the women I met. I told her it was just semantics and she got mad at me. First of all, who cares what I call myself? And second, the definition of a schizophrenic is someone who suffers from schizophrenia. That would make me correct. I bet she wouldn’t hesitate to call me an alcoholic instead of someone who suffers from alcoholism. But I will leave that hair for her to split.

Speaking of schizo’s; my friend has texted me three times this month to tell me a specific time she is coming to visit. All three times I never heard from her until the next. I don’t mind. It is normal for her to do that. She has a lot of friends and is always on the go. She has disordered thinking so I imagine it is hard for her to keep track. I’m only saying it because she just texted me again.


She finally made it last night! Better late than never. I got to hang out with someone I know and have an actual real conversation. I do that every week with my daughter and whoever may be at her house. But I’m talking aobut just me at my place talking to someone I’m not meeting for the first time in my life.

J is my age and she is entertaining. She knows a lot of people and is always visiting so she has interesting stories to tell. When she sees me she is always on the way to somewhere else and when she is somewhere else she is always on her way to somewhere else. I get along with her so well because she likes to talk in person instead of text. I am the same way. I like to use text as a tool. I hate when I am forced to have a conversation through text. But that is the way the world works now.


We have been trying to talk my daughter into starting a band. She is reticent by nature but it’s not what you think. She isn’t afraid she won’t be good enough. She is afraid she won’t find other people who are good enough. She doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings if she decides it’s not working. I tried to tell her to just practice with other people. It doesn’t mean she is married to them. She will figure out her own way to do it just like she does everything else.


It’s 6am. I’ve been up since 2:30. I don’t know what happened. I opened my eyes and it was pitch black. I only knew I was in my room because I could feel my familiar mattress beneath me. I don’t know how I got there or if I had even slept. I felt like I just blinked and arrived in my bedroom. I hit the button to light up my watch and was totally confused. How could it be so dark at 2 in the afternoon? How long have I been lying here? Don’t worry, I figured out it was the middle of the night. It was way too early to wake up and drink coffee so I took my nighttime meds and got back to bed. That was a mistake. I was wide awake and no prescription was putting me back to sleep. I gave up and drank some coffee.

There is nothing to do so early in the morning so it was the perfect time to sit and write something for tomorrow. It’s a memory that’s been kicking around in my head. It’s a good one. Nothing negative like last Sunday’s post.

I’m waiting for the store to open. I have 5 more minutes to go. I’ve been in this position before, only I was waiting for the store to open so I could buy beer. This time I want an egg sandwich and some better coffee.

I made it! In a few hours I am biking to my daughter’s house. I know I didn’t get any sleep. I won’t be tired. I never get tired. My anxiety never gets tired either. I hear a voice coming from the back of my neck. Where my spine joins my skull. It’s not very loud. It’s just annoying. Narrating everything I do. Writing helps. So does listening to music. Right now I have “Cleopatrick” on YouTube. It’s my daughter’s new favorite band. They are pretty good. We both like guitar driven rock.

Back the Truck Up!

My daughter shreds on bass guitar! You can really tell she puts in the work. She is much better than I was after my first year and I took it very seriously. Everybody knows she is good but I don’t see her every day. I notice how much she improves in just one week. She chooses fast, complicated songs and learns them in no time. For the longest time she wanted to play an instrument but she couldn’t find the right one. She has found it. She practices until her fingers blister and she has the teenage hero worship of all her favorite bass players. She knows she is good too. Last time I was there she said, Come here, let me show you my talent, and smirked. She’s funny. She was always private about her art but now she wants to show it off. I could just be saying she is good because I’m her dad, but she really is that good. Okay, that’s my brag on my daughter.

Last night I closed the door on my new friend D. Even though she left a hole in the wall I could drive a truck through. Today is her weekend so she has the day off. I made my decision yesterday but didn’t know how the easiest way to tell her because she is an avid texter. I knew I would be assaulted with a barrage of extra punctuation!!!!! Many exclamation points. I can’t tell if she is trying to make a point or if she is yelling at me. She texted me three times yesterday before I had a plan of what to say to her. It was late at night and she told me she was drinking vodka. So vodka with the next day off. It would have been so easy to invite her to come visit me but I changed my mind the night before. I didn’t want to see her again but I also didn’t want to hurt her feelings. So I took the easy way out. I waited for an opportune time in the conversation to drop a “LOL.” I knew she would respond with a smiley face. How do I answer that? I didn’t.

Last week she got mad at me because she said I shouldn’t misrepresent myself as a DOM and she said I should be looking for a “normal” woman. I told her I wasn’t attracted to “normal” women. But she confused me by saying the sex was great!!!! with all the exclamation points. She further confused me by texting me every night after from her bed when she was relaxing before sleep. If I had asked her to come she would have come and I didn’t want to get into a long discussion about why I changed my mind. The problem was she changed the whole dynamic. She started telling me how she wanted sex to be when the whole idea of her coming here last week was for me to be in control. I did exactly what I wanted and only what I wanted. I got out of it without an argument but she also has tomorrow off from work and plenty of time to think about it. But she did tell me I wasn’t the type of guy she was looking for. But why was she texting me every night?

The girl who broke up with her boyfriend texted me and wanted to know about my sex life. I said it’s fluctuating and she laughed. Is she going to check in weekly? I don’t know what to tell her. There’s nothing between us. Not even a little flirt.

I asked my friends to come over and somehow I was in luck. They are usually too busy I just let them decide when to come over but I needed something with no bullshit attached. They don’t tell me one thing and then do another. Even though the sex is perfunctory it is the most satisfying. They don’t confuse me. They don’t text me all day so I can keep them entertained when they are bored. They don’t have time for me and that is what I like.

Speaking of confusing. D texted me again tonight. Last week, after we met she flat out told me I should be looking for another type of woman. Someone more “normal.” That means she’s not interested in me, right? Why has she texted me every night since? After she told me that I haven’t initiated one conversation with her. Texting is my least favorite form of communication. I never know what the other person means when they talk. If I’m having a physical relationship, I need physical conversation.

I was done for the night but this is too weird! I just tried to ask her why she is texting me all the time and she waited and then told me the cops knocked on her door to tell her her estranged brother died. It’s 2am! The cops don’t hunt you down in the middle of the night to tell you about a death in the family. They don’t care. I asked how the cops found her and she said they must have tracked her cell phone number. On what planet did that happen? Why would she tell me a story like that? If she is trying to get rid of me all she has to do is stop texting me every night. It wouldn’t hurt my feelings.


I don’t feel good today. I thought I had a lot of new things to say but I guess I don’t.


All I wanted to do was type the day of the week and it took me three tries. Forget about reading. I returned an electronic book because I Iwas reading it for a month and getting nowhere. Last time I tried to read I tied myself down and could only force myself to read four pages. I can’t focus for shit. I got intimidated by it. I would see how many pages I had left and see how slow I was reading. It would have taken two more weeks to read it. I’m making a lot of typos now. I hit the backspace key but the lag is so long I get pissed the cursor isn’t moving backwards. This site has so many cookies it slows down everything in my browser. It feels like I made a typo but it takes so long to show on my screen. I scream. I have Disconnect and Privacy Fox installed and they are not blocking everything.


I had a week of being dysfunctional. I couldn’t stay awake long enough to take my meds. So I would get 4 hours of nightmares before I woke up. Then I couldn’t decide if I should take my meds and go back to sleep or skip them until next time. Finally, last night I slept straight through for 12 hours. I haven’t done that in years.

Luckily I got all that sleep the night before I go see my daughter. That would be today. Last week it was chilly in the morning but I was sweating on the ride home. It was in the mid 60’s. Today is colder. My mom got a frost last night but she lives an hour north of me.

This winter I will have to cut down the number of times I see my daughter per month. I won’t be able to ride my bike and it looks like my only option is an Uber. I can’t afford to do that every week.

I wanted to get so drunk when I got home. I just wanted to buy more alcohol than I could drink and drink it all. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I had a good day with my daughter. I know why I get so depressed when I get home from her house and I’m not part of the family. Yes, I know alcohol is a depressant, thanks. I”m not gonna do it anyway. I have been freaking out about how my brain is working.

What does it take?


It’s my third day without caffeine. My brain is trying to make deals with itself. I don’t need coffee. Just some tea with a little caffeine would work. Yeah, just get some tea.

The first day I got a headache for about an hour. It wasn’t too bad. Yesterday, the second day, my legs hurt like a bitch. I don’t even know if it is a symptom. I had RLS for the day. I couldn’t stop bouncing my legs to make them feel better but it got worse but I could not stop moving them or it would be some pretty bad pain. They are still sore today. I’m not sure if it is because I was using the muscles so much yesterday. I’ve only read one article saying that is a side effect of quitting.


Something happened yesterday that I just can’t keep to myself. First a girl invited herself to hang out with me for a few hours. I don’t know why because she said she had a boyfriend and wouldn’t cheat on him and I’m not in the business to help people cheat.

After she left things got weird. I got an email from someone who I thought had ghosted me last month saying she wanted to hook up and asked for my number. I gave it to her and she wrote back, “Sooo… We know each other, your name was in my phone, I’m still interested but when you find out who I am you have to take it to your grave.” I wracked my brain wondering who had my name in their phone but theirs wasn’t in mine. When she showed up at my place I was shocked. I never would have guessed in a million years who it was. It was a pleasant surprise. I had only met her a couple times before and hadn’t seen her in six months. I never would have thought she was interested in me. (It’s not anything bad. We just have mutual friends.)

This all happened over like four hours. Then the first girl started texting me, Nothing, Nothing, Oh yeah, I broke up with my boyfriend when I got home. What? Fuck that shit. I don’t want to be part of that. She just met me and breaks up with her boyfriend and they live together. I don’t think so.

While that was happening I got a text from the woman who blew me off last week and she wants to meet tomorrow. I forgot about her because I didn’t think she was interested. I know I was wishing for more sex but I don’t need it all at once. I have to take a step back and decide what to do. It would help if I could think straight.

I forgot somewhere between the last few paragraphs. The mystery woman came over again. She is the most straightforward of them all.


It’s only fucking Tuesday! I have to start giving these women names. D the woman I thought was catfishing me, came over and that was great. I think it is going to be a regular thing. While I was waiting for her to get here, JG, the girl that broke up with her boyfriend, and JB, my friend of several years both texted me. I ignored JG because I have no idea what to say about that yet. I talked to JB and we will hang out Thursday. Sometimes we fool around but I am going to tell her I can’t. She is like me, she likes to talk in person instead of texting. That is why I like her. Old school.


Okay! JG has been put herself in the friendzone after I told her about the last 3 days. She can figure out what she wants to do with her boyfriend. That is a relief but she is talking like she wants to go on platonic dates. What is that when you have a boyfriend and go on dates with some random guy? And I’m really not interested but I am too nice to reject her.

I have to figure out what I want to do. R is the woman I hooked up with Sunday and Monday. She wants me to worship and be submissive. I have never done that before. The second day she wanted me to penetrate after but I couldn’t do it after. I was a little embarrassed.

D is more my style of woman. She is very submissive and likes to be told what to do. That is what I like. She also wants to meet up on a regular one day a week schedule. R wants me to be available anytime she has a chance. I don’t know if I can handle being on call and I would have to get used to the dynamic of being submissive and get over my mental block of having actual sex with her.

Today started out shitty. I was planning on spending it with my daughter but the weather changed and I can’t ride my bike. Plus she has to do some work before school starts tomorrow. I really don’t know what I am going to do about winter. My ride is staying home because of the pandemic. I am going to have to look into a ride service but I don’t have much money. Don’t worry. She is still my most important focus with all this shit with woman going on. I told everyone not to text me today because I won’t answer when I’m with my daughter. I’m not telling anyone my plans fell through. I’m taking time to figure out why everything is happening at the same time.


I had a long talk with D last night. I thought we matched up well but I guess I wasn’t what she was looking for. She said I shouldn’t have misrepresented myself as a DOM. I told her I never said I was a DOM, I thought we were just play talking. All the women I meet talk like that. I didn’t know she really meant it. That’s the problem with texting someone you don’t know I guess.


This week was too much. Last night I shut down completely and today I feel horrible. My friend said she couldn’t make it today so I will be okay there. I’m just focused on seeing my daughter tomorrow. I made a plan for it and nothing should change before tomorrow morning. All I have to do is maintain for the day and get back in my sleep routine. I didn’t sleep last night so I should go to bed early.

I managed to write something for Sunday. I’m having a lot of trouble reading. Today I can’t even think of it and yesterday I had to tie myself down to read maybe four pages. And I like the book.


Midnight madness! Can you believe that bitch told me I should be upfront about my mental illness? She asked me and I told her. How much more upfront can I be? Wear a fucking sign around my neck?

The Shoulds

I “should” go get food today. I shouldn’t say “should.” That’s what they say, right? If you say “should” you put too much pressure on yourself and will feel worse if you don’t do what you think you “should.” What about “must?” Can I say that? I “must” walk an hour and a half to the store today because I’ve been putting it off for 4 days and I have no more food. Now that I didn’t put myself through the “shoulds, ” I am in an either/or situation. Should that make me feel better or worse. Stupid fucks with their piece of shit advice. It all sounds good to them sitting in the office with me on my best behavior. Mentally rolling my eyes at them. So now I am at the “must” stage. I have to do this fucking thing I can’t do for some reason.

I used to get a ride once or twice a month before the whole pandemic situation. It’s not the walk that is stopping me. I can walk that far standing on my head. In fact, I will feel better after walking. I know because I almost always do. It’s not the walk. It’s the abject fear. I can’t leave my apartment.

My brain has been going downhill for the past few days. I haven’t read more than a couple pages at a time. This is the first time I’ve written anything in the past 4 days. I’m only writing this because I woke up pissed off. I thought it would be no problem posting 3 times a week. Then I cut down to 2 times and I think this week is only going to be this stupid journal.

I made it! I had to get myself pissed off. I summoned all my righteous indignation. Not that I had anything to be righteously indignant about. I also didn’t start any road rage incidents like I did last time I was walking down the road swearing at myself.


I was supposed to hook up a few days ago. Everything was going well. I had her electronically LOL’ing for 2 nights. That is always a good sign. I am always ready to move from texting to real life but getting the other person to do it is the challenge. People feel safe on their phones. I made her feel safe enough for an in person meeting with one goal in mind.

She was going to come down in the afternoon so I had plenty of time. In between texting her I cleaned a little. I kept finding new areas of neglect in my apartment. It surprised me it only took 5 minutes to take care of something I had let go for a month. When I say clean, I mean relatively presentable. I can blame a lot on my cat.

Everything was working out well. She told me she was eating lunch first. Then she was taking a shower. Then she asked me for my address and asked me if I changed my mind. Was she kidding? Why would I spend 3 days talking to her if I was going to change my mind at the last second?

After she asked for my address I knew I was ready. I took a long, hot shower and found my best casual clothes. I was clean and dressed and all I had to do was wait. As soon as my ass hit the chair my phone beeped. I got excited. I thought it was her telling me she was leaving her house. Instead I read the message, “You’re going to hate me but my stomach hurts.”

I knew here stomach hurt because she got nervous and changed her mind but I said, no problem. We texted a few more times and she said sorry again but now I haven’t heard from her since except one time she said she owes me a rain check. I won’t hold my breath. I’ve had plenty of women change their mind about coming to see me but never at the last possible moment like that. I’m not really bothered by it except for the fact that I’m hyper-sexual right now. It doesn’t matter how bad I feel I can always have sex in the safety of my own place. And the chemical cocktail released by sex is much better than any of the chemicals my Dr. prescribes me. So I am a little disappointed there.


I’m making it through another morning. This time with no coffee. I’m trying to quit on a whim. It’s pretty easy so far. I wasn’t drinking much of it. But I keep thinking of getting up to pour myself a cup. It’s not there. I’ve quit before, a few years ago. I think it helped the anxiety a little but I don’t remember. I get something from it because I started again.

I finally got laid! Yesterday A. came over. T. stayed home this time. It’s okay by me. I am more attracted to A. I didn’t ask any questions. I was just glad to be having sex and resetting the clock.

Now I see what people mean by a caffeine headache. I’ve got one right now. Too bad there is no coffee in the house. It’s not so bad. I’lll see if I need to buy coffee in the morning.



I woke up seething with anger this morning. Good thing there was nobody here to see it except my cat. He hid under the chair until my tantrum was over. I don’t know if it is a med thing or what. I’m afraid to experiment and change the times I take them. My ex wife told me to take them at opposite times of the day but I don’t think that would be good.

I did experiment with my anxiety meds recently. I realized if I take them when I have high anxiety it is too late. It’s because they are the long acting ones and take a long time to kick in. I tried counting and found it takes 8 hours for them to start relieving my anxiety. So I started taking them as soon as I wake up in the morning hopefully before a panic attack. My doctor won’t give me fast acting bens because I have been on these for so long and he thinks I am prescribed too many already. He is the one prescribing them so…

The experiment wasn’t exactly a success but at least I know why I feel a little better after the sun goes down. Also I have a general time of day I can look to and wait for my anxiety to come under control. I always waited until the last minute before because I thought they should start working within the hour. Maybe they did a long time ago but now I have a tolerance.


My brother has a Twitter account. He doesn’t follow me on there. Instead he googles my account and reads it at his leisure. I go to his house once a year and I guess it’s just like a perfectly normal thing to do. Like he didn’t find out about Twitter by logging into my computer as me and investigating everything I did.


That may sound like a paranoid delusion as my brother tried to portray it to our mother. But after I suspected something I monitored my computer usage with the built in “windowseventviewer.” It told me that every Saturday I shut my computer off before I left at 7am to visit my daughter and every Saturday at 7:15am somebody turned on my computer and viewed webpages for 4 hours. It couldn’t have been my brother because he was “sleeping” when I left. This didn’t happen when he was 12; he was in his 40’s.

The prick’s Saturday morning routine was to “sleep” until I left the house, get up, take a shit, make some coffee, and settle down on my computer.

This happened a long time ago but I can still work myself into a rage over it. It is the biggest rumination I have left. I blame a little on myself for not completely locking down my computer but I could never imagine that happening. It’s not like I left my email open and he read it. He had to take many steps to investigate my entire life while I lived with him. He had his own computer, in his own room. I never once turned it on or even set foot in his room unless it was to talk to him.

My emails, dating site messages, interactive website I designed, my bank account (yes, he signed into my bank account), my facebook page (we weren’t facebook friends) my other facebook page by invite only ( or if he was signed in as me). That is where he fucked up. He had a few beers one night and didn’t like something I wrote so he responded on my page, as me, dropping a ton of F bombs in his long diatribe. That was at night while I was sleeping less than 3 feet away.

He didn’t only invade my privacy, he invaded the privacy of everyone who communicated with me electronically. How would you like to talk to me on a dating site and find out my brother had read all your messages? What if you were one of my pen pals?

This happened over the course of the several years while I lived with him. I paid rent so I think I at least deserved respect of my room. When I threatened to kill him, he tried to deny it but when I brought up each “coincidence” where he actually took actions triggered by what he read on my computer, he would stop bumping his gums and his jaw would hit the floor. The last thing he said was, “You know I’m nosy.” Like it was my fault, of course it was just a natural thing for him to do.


The worst part was when I went into his room and found his little journal. In it was a letter he wrote to me and never sent. Like one of those things you do on purpose. In it he said, “I took the liberty of reading your emails.” What does that mean, “took the liberty”? It was dated a month after I moved in. So basically as soon as I got my shit together and plugged in my computer, he was on it investigating. This went on without my knowing the several YEARS I lived there.

I hope I’m not regressing. I haven’t been able to read or write more than a little at a time. I skipped posting yesterday because I had nothing. When I finally got the book I wanted to read I couldn’t read it. I used to be able to write a blog post in my head and then just type it out. Now I just stare at a blank screen. I have plenty of start up ideas but I can’t get them started. I have a feeling this may be my only post of the week.

I did it. I wrote a post and scheduled it for Sunday. I used to have at least a couple scheduled ahead of time. I get less time to function each day so I try to write and read when I can. Still couldn’t read. I guess I used up all my productivity for the day.


I had to cancel on my daughter today. I just can’t function. I hate telling her I will be there and then not going. I rarely do it but I know I will be useless all day.

I listened to the last hour of SaltFatAcidHeat by Samin Nosrat. It covers the basics of cooking in detail. It is good if you are just starting out but I knew most of the information from cooking for myself and watching the Food Network. I have another book going but I can only focus for a few pages at a time. I like it but I just can’t get going on it.

The Mediator


Spoiler alert: If I am at the point where I think I need a meditation to calm me down, it is too late for a meditation to calm me down. I don’t know why people keep telling me to meditate. I can’t do it when it would actually be helpful. If I am wound up already it is impossible to follow. Once they get to the part of telling you to relax and focus on your breathing, I am as far away from focused as can be.


I didn’t realize I was waking up enraged every morning. I mean screaming mad. I want to yell but I clamp down on it and it comes out as a loud “grrr!” I mean, I’m practically drooling. Scares my cat under the couch. This lasts for about half an hour unless, god forbid, I spill a few drops of coffee on the floor and it starts all over again. The simplest things send me flying off the handle. Or something more egregious like the wrong song coming on my playlist or the cat knocking over the trash bucket. “Arrgh!” I’m so loud in the morning. I wonder what the neighbors think.


I spent 20 minutes waiting for a late call from my doctor. That was 18 minutes more than I spent talking to him. I knew it would be quick so I tried to prepare what to say. I wanted to make a medication change but he doesn’t like doing that over the phone and he spent most of the call trying to end the call. “Talk to you in 2 months.”


I usually do pretty well in the mornings. I wake up, drink 2 coffees, cook lentils and take my meds. Normally I get a good 3 or 4 hours before my symptoms kick in. I try to get some reading and writing going before it becomes impossible and I have to wait until the middle of the night before I calm down again.

I’m lucky today. I didn’t get that initial rush of anxiety, which is good because I really need to go to the store and stock up on food. I’m almost finished with my emergency supplies. I generally have to get myself out the door before I get a chance to overthink what is coming up. I’m usually okay if I get going before any paranoia starts. I feel so good I think this might be one of those days where I make it through without a problem. But that could change like the weather.

I’m still pissed at my doctor. I told him I was having a hard time, I’m sure he could hear in my voice I was having a hard time. I told him I had been taking an extra dose of my anti-psychotic to get through the past few days. He asked me if I thought it was helping and when I said yes, he changed the subject and a short time later the phone call was finished. My whole point was to get him to increase the dosage on my med but he didn’t get it.


I made it to the store yesterday. I felt good from the moment I woke up. I made a schedule and I stuck to it. I got everything on my list and even a few more things. I felt so good at the store I decided to make it Rib-Eye day. I usually make a one pot meal but it’s been about a month since I had steak. I cooked it immediately after I got home and put everything away. It was a little early for dinner but it was good.

Today is a different story. I was woken up by a panic attack again. My heart is still clenched tight. I don’t know what makes the difference between days. When I went to bed I felt great. I felt great all day yesterday. No symptoms. Maybe a little anxiety but that could have been natural from going out and being around so many people. So why did I wake up frazzled? I took the same meds at the same time, bed same time, woke up same time. Totally different reaction.

I planned on returning some papers to my landlord during my couple hours of good time this morning but I didn’t get my good time this morning. I’ve been a little nervous about it because I haven’t been in the office since I started paying my rent online in January. It is simple paperwork but I can’t bring myself to fill it out. It’s been a week and I have to return it by Sept. 1st. The days are going by faster. It’s so stupid. All I have to do is check the box saying I want to renew my lease and say I’m not a full time student and list all the people who live here. (Just me) I pulled the papers out and started freaking. I couldn’t even pick up a pen. I put them back for another day. Yesterday my plan was to do it by 11am but now it is 12 and I am only able to sit here and type.


I made it to my daughter’s yesterday. Her mom and her aunt were there again. This time it was planned. I like hanging out with them. We are all pretty funny people so there were lots of laughs. We just hang on the small porch out of the sun all day and bust balls.

My daughter is at the age where she wants to rebel but she really can’t. We all like the same music, she wants to get her septum pierced and we say go ahead, do you need a ride? Her mom already does everything that could get a kid into trouble. There isn’t much she could do that I haven’t done. She’s really into getting pierced. Everything but her ears. Her mom says she has to wait until she’s 18 to do more than her nose. She’s interested in gauging so hopefully she doesn’t put any holes in her head she will regret later in life. At this point her best chance at being a rebel is going totally straight edge.

She is into baking and the two of us spent some time in the kitchen. She made chocolate chip cookie, cheesecake freezer bars. Yummo! Then I don’t know what happened. Something flipped the switch and shut my brain off. I was no longer in on the jokes and couldn’t keep up my end of the conversation. I went quiet. Luckily it was around the time of day I usually head home but it sucked because I had so much fun I was planning on staying late.

I pass 2 state sponsored package stores on my ride home from my daughter’s house. Also in my state they are allowed to sell soft drinks (beer and wine) at any convenience or grocery store. Leaving my daughter’s house where I feel like part of the family and then being alone is a trigger for me to drink. That, plus the drop in my mood. I wasn’t close to drinking but I thought about it with every store I passed. Alcohol is so ubiquitous.

Speaking of drinking, I follow a sobriety blog I found accidentally. They post stories, poems and thoughts of people who quit or are trying to quit drinking. Yesterday the title was “2 days sober.” I just couldn’t relate. Two days for me is when I have a really bad hangover and can’t even think about drinking. I’m not sober until the 3rd day. I’ve never been a daily drinker. It’s not until about 7 to 9 days sober that I start thinking hard about buying some more alcohol. I can go that long without thinking of drinking. I’m still dependent which I never thought could happen with my style of drinking.

If you’ve ever been to an AA meeting you have heard them say you have to pray twice a day for god to relieve your obsession with alcohol. Then everyone who speaks there knows exactly how many days since their last drink. That seems a little obsessive to me. It hasn’t been too long for me but I don’t know the exact number of days. I could count it if I wanted. I remember the date I was last drunk. It’s easy because it was the month of my birthday. I don’t know how the 8th stuck in my head because I’m usually bad with numbers. I can hardly think how many months it’s been. When I try I always think it’s one month more than it’s been and then I have to look at the calendar.

I hope I can keep my streak alive. I’ve gone longer without drinking but I’ve never tried to quit for life like I’m trying now. I know I could break and get drunk any day. I’ve come close a couple times. If I do I can imagine how it would go. I would meet a woman who likes to drink and I would lie and say I’m not much of a drinker and have just a couple with her. Then I would be off to the races because I can never stop at “just a couple drinks.”

Wake Up!


“Just stay in the moment, ” They say. “What if the moment sucks?” I ask. I don’t know what happened to yesterday. I woke up and made some coffee like normal. I turned on the music to get the morning noise out of my head. I didn’t last one song. I turned it off and sat there. That was too much for me. I tried the t.v. I didn’t make it until the first commercial break. I turned it off and sat there. It was too much. Okay, I could try reading. That was a joke. I picked up the book and put it down before I read one word. I sat there. I couldn’t take it. I tried my computer. Too much bad news. Even the joke tellers gave up telling jokes. I went back to bed to like down. That lasted two minutes and I was back up. I don’t know how many times I repeated this cycle throughout the day. To no avail.

“Agitation” was the word of the day. I just looked it up. The definition fits perfectly.


It happened again! I thought if I made myself leave the house without thinking about it I could get my hair cut. It went okay. I almost forgot my mask. She was almost done and I started hearing things and got the paranoia. I just wanted to get out of there. I forgot how to use my debit card. I just stood there while the machine beeped at me to remove my card. I rushed home.

Again, I couldn’t sit, stand or lie down. I definitely wasn’t going outside again. I got desperate late in the night and tried a guided meditation on YouTube. I checked the timer; I didn’t even make it 2 minutes!

I’ve been having about 4 good hours in the mornings and then my day goes to shit. I can’t function.


I was thinking of not having coffee but it never bothered me before and I only drink 2 regular cups. I’m going to have to shift my schedule so I can do things after midnight again. That has been the best time for me lately. I even read a couple chapters. Could not sit still yesterday until night.


Last Friday I got a phone call from a number I didn’t recognize. Then I got a text that said, Hey this is J give me a call. I hadn’t seen her since she just disappeared over a year ago. She told me she had been in California. She asked if she could come over later. About 7pm I got a text that said be there soon. I waited and she never showed. I wasn’t worried. That is normal for her. But I didn’t think she would do it the first night.

She texted me again yesterday. Same thing. I knew she wouldn’t be here early. She is a late night person. So I took a shower and turned on the tv to wait. I was right. She showed up after midnight. J is schizophrenic like me. I don’t know how I find them. I don’t advertise for it. It’s just synchronicity.

Unlike me, I don’t think J takes her meds. When she got here she said she hadn’t slept in 3 days. On the phone she had told me about a carpet beetle problem she had at her place. When she came out of the bathroom she said I had them too. Then she got in my room and was searching the floor. She kept telling me she saw them. Apparently they are so small and move so slowly that only she can see them.

The only insects I have seen in my apartment are spiders. I tried to ignore her but she kept spotting more. (I could still see nothing) I was starting to get itchy from all the talk. She stayed for a couple hours and then told me she was going home to throw away her bed and everything so she could finally get some sleep. She had bought an air mattress. She told me they don’t bite but she has sensitive skin. She told me to look at her arm but I couldn’t see anything.

It is always something with her. But she had me creeped out. After she left I pulled the lamp down close to the floor but I still couldn’t see anything moving. I hope she doesn’t rip up her carpet because she lives in an apartment and would have to pay for that shit.


2am wrap up. I made it to my daughter’s in the morning. I wore myself out and now I feel more relaxed than I have all week. I can barely think. I had to get out of the house early before my brain could change it’s mind.

I don’t know what I am going to do in the morning. I have to get some food pretty soon. I can think of ten reasons I won’t do that tomorrow. My brain is slogged. I can imagine what my body will feel like when I wake up.

What a crappy week. Now my friend has me thinking there are insects crawling around my place when I know they aren’t. I wonder if she got any sleep. She had it really bad. She was seeing those things everywhere.