Tainted Love

Heart colored pencils

“Don’t touch me, please
I cannot stand the way you tease
I love you though you hurt me so
Now I’m gonna pack my things and go”

“Tainted Love” Soft Cell, I prefer Marilyn Manson

Done gone and fucked up again! It’s still happening. I swore off meeting people online and what did I do last night? Oh yeah… You guessed it. I don’t even know why the fuck I’m doing it! I stopped cause I kept getting catfished by guys and they’re not even good at catfishing… Some of them send a message pretending to be a woman and their email is their real name, like “Justin Jones” or something. Sometimes they send you pictures and I google image search them and they are from some Mexican porn site. I’m so bored I play along like I believe them. It just got so stupid. I would go online and these guys are waiting to mess with me.

So what am I doing back online? I know what I’m doing… I’m looking at the fucking calendar and it’s almost November! I know what I’m doing. I really don’t want to sit around all winter watching repeats of “Chopped” on the Food Network. I know that is Black and White and I am leaving myself no freedom of choice, but what the fuck? But 10pm on a Monday? Here I go again. What exactly am I expecting to happen? This site gives me just enough of a tease to give it a chance. But, seriously, last time I wrote about it was a year ago (winter approaching) when I had my dream come true for one day. I’m too old for this shit! I know the real reason. Last year wasn’t my dream come true. My dream come true was three years ago when I met T—- and A—-. Every guy’s fantasy is to have a threesome with two women… But on a regular basis for 3 years? They disappeared this summer. Poof!

There I am, Monday night. I’m thinking I’m so stupid, I’m getting offline right now. Then I get an email. But ten minutes? Too good to be true! She sent a picture but seriously? This hot woman is super interested in me and my lame attempt to get laid? I searched her picture and it wasn’t online but I’ve had that before. Still… She’s talking like she is down the street from me. Whatever… Bored… But wondering? Talking, starting to believe her, nothing too explicit but we are both there too hook up. I said something like, Are you asking me to invite you over right now? She said, no, but maybe coffee tomorrow. Alright, I am talking to a real person. Sorry if I was too forward, coffee sounds great.

Nothing… Then an email from “some hung young one”, saying, Don’t be silly, of course I want to meet you! You know I want to suck that D….! Like we been talking all along. Like what the fuck! I just started to believe she might be real and now it’s a guy using two email addresses. I am an idiot! Told him to fuck off and signed off. Whatever… Red Sox won.. Go to bed. Good one! When is the last time you slept?

An hour later she sends another email with her phone number saying text her but I don’t believe it cause I’ve been sent phone numbers before thinking they are real and all I say is “Hi, you gave me your number online” and it’s is someone saying sorry I broke up with my boyfriend and he is giving out my phone number. Funny story I have already written. The guy I used to buy dope from seemed like he was really cool and friendly until his girlfriend broke up with him and he put her real name Facebook page online pretending it was her looking for some D. Then I randomly hooked up with her on the same site a month later! Like, I never, never, would have thought.

Now I believe she is real cause I looked up her number and it was her email name but she is asking me all these crazy questions like I am a scam. Yeah, I’m posing as a horny guy on Monday night. We figured it out and had a good text convo, Nothing sexual, so I’m thinking she doesn’t do this much maybe. she is getting to know me.. I have no problem with it. I’m too old to be trying to hookup with everyone. We had a lot in common.But she is telling me she has to pick up her son, it’s 2am and bring him to a Doctor at 9am. Whatever? Still she’s not messing with my head now.

But meeting for “coffee” was slowly turning into, I like to dress sexy… oh yeah? Normal conversation… High heels ant thigh highs… Please stop, I live alone and it is 4am… Back to favorite music, favorite bands, she turned me on to Seether. I couldn’t believe I never paid attention to themone way or the other.

All non-sequitors. She keeps dropping sex, in between saying she get’s really wet, like okay, so does everyone. But saying she is really hard to orgasm. I don’t know, I don’t brag I’m a stud but I know my way around the body. But she says it only happens with a man who uses his hands. What? I know to use hands but there are better ways. Now I’m thinking maybe I’m not the guy she is looking for? Maybe I don’t know what I’m doing? But she is really grooving on me. Still talking. Then she starts sending the pictures… Didn’t I tell you not to do this to me? But she asks, Do you promise to be there after my son’s appointment tomorrow? Yeah, bet your ass! But could you not do this to me at 5am? She says great! How old are you? I tell her the truth because I look older and there is no point in lying. She tells me, good, I am 58… The fuck?!!! No way! Sends me another picture… Age is truly just a number. The picture…The whole time talking her and the previous pictures and conversations, I thought maybe 40, 45? Not older than me! I still don’t believe it, She better not be sending me 20 year old pictures. I zoom in on her face and yeah, she’s got some eye lines, a little hook on the corner of her mouth, looks right… But she is fucking rocking that body! I said, Yes, you are truly smoking hot! I’m imagining all kind of shit but it’ 6am and she fell asleep and none of this is going to happen.

I go to sleep. Do you think this is the end of the story? Oh no! I said, I guess I am not going to sleep. She didn’t answer. I’m still like, 99 percent sure. Tried to sleep but who are we kidding? Kinda fell asleep like 7:30, 8am, I didn’t set my alarm but my phone rang at 9am. A New Jersey number!!! It’s true! It’s her! Noooo! She used to live in New Jersey, she has a 603 number like me, New Hampshire. I’m not picking up it. She said 9am, it’s a New Jersey number, I’m answering! I was right, bullshit, fake caller ID. But the badge falls away and underneath is a text from her! “My son’s appointment was cancelled, call me when you wake up!” Whaaaaat? Fucking right I called her! (Am I crazy or are you crazy?) She answered, first ring. She didn’t think the New Jersey call was that amazing, but come on. (If you read me before you may think I’m delusional but you know I’m not, right? Could you make this shit up?)

She told me she usually needs some coffee and a shower, yes I agree… I think I will go get a coffee. Okay, call me back. I call back. Would you like me to come down now or later today? What? Is this an option? Do you think I have a choice? I’ve been dreaming about you since you said thigh highs. The only time I wasn’t dreaming about you was when I was sleeping! But you know me, I played it cool. You know I want you right now, but I don’t want you to rush. Okay, text me your address and I will call when I am leaving. Okay? The stars are lining up, I guess? Not really! The whole summer I’ve been outside. My fucking place is trashed! I can take a shower but this is not presentable. I feel like I threw a hook in the ocean, not expecting to catch the big fish! Now it’s on he line.

Funny because I remember leaving a comment on someone’s blog yesterday about feeling overwhelmed, saying I try to pick the easiest thing and say if I only do that today I will be happy and it usually snowballs and I end up doing a lot more. Only I haven’t been taking my own advice! Do you know another source of motivation? Pussy! I got that coffee and started up fast! I was surprised how fast it went, I didn’t do a deep clean but looking like I am presentable. I can’t believe I never got this started before.

I know what you are thinking [Interruption: You all know the rules of online dating, right? Meet in public, tell a friend, etc.. Do you know how many women I have told I am on disability for schizo and they come to my door with no worries, middle of the night? I don’t know, it’s a lot, a lot, maybe you can tell me how many? Granted, some of them are schizo, but they are the best ones. But mostly, ordinary average people… Your next door neighbor! Can you imagine your neighbor coming to visit me at 3am? Maybe she already has?] Is that what you were thinking?

I got a coffee, I did it all, I look like above a dullard, but I can’t settle down. She texted she was leaving when? I got time to do a meditation… No… The phone rings! She is here! (That is what I liked, she talks on the phone) I have to go down three floors to let her in, I hustle cause I don’t like to leave anyone standing there. Took the stairs cause they are faster than the elevator. Before I turn the corner I remember to smile. Keep smiling. There she is starting down the first step. She said she was not dressing special cause it’s morning/noon, me too, jeans and t-shirt. Turns out, I’m under-dressed! She has style! Fuck! I’m worried, Old? What? Better than her picture! Now I know I’m not pretty, all I have is words. But fucking big smile, hug, kiss on the lips even though I gave the slight option of turning my head a bit. We all know where this is going!

She is one sexy bitch! No way is this going to work… Upstairs. She’s raving about my place, (she loves the coffee table I found by the dumpster. It is pretty nice, that’ is why I carried it’s 200 pound ass up the stairs.) But we’re on the couch forever. Talking cats, kids, cats, kids, she is just trying to make a pleasant exit, right? But then, Mind if I dab? Okay, heard about it, never seen it, go ahead. She pulls out the apparatus, explains it… No thanks, cause me anxiety. Now, we are vibing, we have a little connection, we both like human names for our pets. We both had a lot of really good ones. She keeps pulling videos on her phone, Songs I likebut never heard before. Then, Amy Winehouse. I never knew she played guitar with a horn ensemble before she got big? Not into her before but now I think. (Okay, get to the good part?)

(The good part) I’m thinking, sometimes I’m slow, she is out of my league but we have a lot in common (more than pets) Why am I worried? I think she’s just talking to be polite but she’s been talking for a while and still sitting there, I put my hand on her thigh and everything changed. Maybe she was worrying the same? I don’t know? Much friendlier. This is encouraging. Now we’re talking sex, exploring ideas, she asks me again if I am into the “lifestyle” I know what she means but play dumb… she’s talking, asking me questions, no, I’m not into the “lifestyle”. But fucked up shit has been going on in my “lifestyle’. (never mind that, we are headed in the right direction, I think) She is into some shit. I tell her I am straight up hard sex. Good sex, just sex. She was holding back but asking me leading questions. I told her the truth. The wildest I have done is this couple showed up in the early hours and I banged the guy’s wife in the back seat while he watched from the front. (Not really sure, but maybe) I might have been turned on by being watched? The best part was his wife was hot! Really hot! Why wasn’t he fucking her? I don’t know, lot of guys have sent me pics of their wives, asked if I want to bang their wives and when I ask, have you talked to your wife aboutt this? No. End of conversation.

I’m going on too long, I ask her what she likes and she pulls my thumbs below her pubic bone and right there. Again, only fingers. “Is that my g-spot?”, I don’t think so, i dont’ think so either itt’s my cervix. Alright, I’ve heard this once before but my dick hit it. But she says no. Only hands. She needs a man who is good with his hands. Now I’m intimidated, but this is heading straight to my bedroom. Still, she said it is long time to orgasm and only fingers? Not me? \

(Okay, good part) What ever I was doing, I was doing right and I was doing it right away. Like 20 seconds! I have met many women who say, I warn you, I am a squirter so you might need a towel, ha ha, But then they do it and it’s not much. Different story today! All she said was she gets very wet and it takes a long time. (am I getting too graphic?) Fucking wet was an understatement! Fucking Niagara Falls! Apparently I know exactly what she needs. I can feel it. I don’t know, It wasn’t her cervix. My fingers are not that long! She asked, where is my g-spot, I said, right here, Nope, nothing… I don’t care, I got back to touching her cervix which I know I can’t reach but there is something there. It’s a big lump of erectile tissue and all I knew what that was all about, I know the relation between a man’s erectile tissue and a woman’s. Whatever? I’m no Dr. Kinsey but it was every 20 seconds and every 20 seconds and every 20 seconds! Very wet? I’m cupping my hand, it’s full of liquid and it’s overflowing. [omit some x-rated parts, and some more x-rated parts] Now, 4 hours later, she’s still fucking doing it! Every 20 seconds, I’m just curious if it’s ever going to stop?! No! It never stopped!

(Had enough yet?) So what? Where are we? Oh yeah, coffee… We had lot’s of coffee! Four hours later, I’ve done everything I imagined and more, I’m worn out! My head is spinning, my body is buzzing, I’m totally sober and I’m staggering around, slurring my words. I know I haven’t slept but you know? Maybe you don’t. I put myself aside, I was done, but she wasn’t, I wanted to see where this goes. Personally I’m done but I want to see where it goes. I’m not really done. I am fucking super turned on I know i make people feel good, but this good??? But she’s getting p and saying, wow, your blanket is wet! Everywhere I touch, I’m sorry… No, thank you! This is fucking great! I said I was intimidated before and she was confused. She said never this much! I am not that fucking good?

Should I publish this? (you know I will) Look! Look! It’s 4am again! What am I doing all night. I’m sitting here listening to Marilyn Manson covers. I didn’t know he had like a hundred. And I’m wondering cuz I’m not really her type. She tested me out. I think she had a guy in mind to have a mmf with but I told her it’s not my thing. I do enjoy being watched. But I don’t want touching.

I keep repeating myself. She laughed about the blanket being wet. I texted her after I pulled it off the bed, “Where do I send the bill for the blankets, sheets, mattress, box spring and carpet I have to replace. Haha. But I am serious, half my bedroom is flooded with pussy juice!

90 Dates in 90 Days

Heart colored pencils

During my “Summer of Fun”, I spent the rent on women. I was manic and had just discovered the world of online dating. The reason I went on so many dates is because I didn’t spend enough time getting to know the person before we met. I would make them laugh in the morning and meet them that night. Then I didn’t pass the interview process. I didn’t get many second dates. The other reason is I wasn’t looking for anything serious so I had some casual hookups.

I had two problems working against me that put a damper on my fun in the sun. One problem was I lived with my Nazi brother who made it abundantly clear there were no women allowed at his house. It’s not like I was going to fuck on his musty old couch. The other problem was the women I met on dating sites. Typically they would be in their 40’s, recently divorced with two young children who lived at home. These women tended to be looking for a man they like but also made enough money to move into their house and split the bills. I had no inclination to do that and they quickly found out during the dinner interview process that my disability benefits weren’t going to pay the rent.

I met some women who were quite rude. Once a woman asked me what I do for work and when I told her my situation she rolled her eyes and didn’t talk to me for the rest of dinner. ( The dinner I was paying for) That made for a long awkward silence because we had just ordered appetizers and meals and just had to sit there and wait for it to be over. I should have gotten up and left her to pay the bill. But I’m old fashioned and think if I ask someone out then I should pay. Eventually I switched to quick coffee dates and saved myself some money. You can tell if you are going to hit it off with someone in the first five minutes.

I recently read a post by a woman complaining about being ghosted. She said guys should, “Man up and communicate.” If she only knew the number of times I’ve been ghosted. Even after women have told me unprompted to call or text them the next day. Here is an extreme example but some others aren’t too far off. I met a woman at a restaurant for a meal. We didn’t have any drinks. We hit it off so well that we stayed after we paid the bill and only left because the place was closing. We went out to the parking lot and talked some more. She said she had to get home because she had a babysitter. I leaned in to give her a quick hug and she turned her head and started kissing me. I was surprised but went with it. Afterward she told me I better call her the next day and then took my picture with her phone to put my face in her contacts. She said she wanted to know it was me when I called. I went home happy and the next day decided to give her a call. I did and got no answer. No big deal, I just left a quick voicemail. I didn’t get a call back so I sent her a short text the next day and that was it. I never heard from her again.

I think I found out why I got ghosted with no explanation so many times. I met a woman online and we texted for a few days. When we met in person it was obvious her online picture was from 20 years ago. I didn’t say anything and decided to make the best of it. She was embarrassed or something and wouldn’t make eye contact or even talk throughout the meal. I was careful to ask her questions without a simple yes or no answer but I could not get a conversation started. Which was strange because she had a ton to say over texting almost non-stop. We got outside and I told her I had a good time (lied) and said I don’t think we were a good match and drove home.

By the time I got back to my place I already had 2 texts from her. She wanted to know why I didn’t like her. She wanted to know exactly what was wrong with her. I texted back I was tired and would talk tomorrow. Well, tomorrow came and she had all night to think about it. I was woken up early in the morning by my phone buzzing. It was her sending text after text. She didn’t even give me a chance to answer before she sent me a text and then another and another, etc… She wanted answers but I couldn’t give them. She went on blowing up my phone for 2 days. I couldn’t take it but my phone didn’t have an option to block callers. I finally had to contact my service provider to block her number. Maybe that is why so many women ghosted me the next day after saying they had a great time. Maybe they had guys do the same to them. I don’t know.

Two more good reasons to ghost me were my alcohol consumption and my manic mouth. Neither of which I had any compunction of showing off. I didn’t always do it. It depended on the person I was with or where we met for the date. In the time it took to have apps and dinner (about an hour?) I could tip back 3 24 ounce glasses of Sam Adams ale. (gulping drinks and tolerance are 2 red flags for alcoholism) It only served to fuel my long rambling storytelling. I’m not a bore but that is the direction I would go if I couldn’t get a good conversation started.

Maybe I am a bad dater, but you can’t lay all the blame on me. Isn’t the point of dating to have fun? So many women are busy looking for “the one”, they forget to have fun. I’ve been on so many “all business dates.” Isn’t finding the one for they young? I’m just happy to find someone who is compatible.

It wasn’t as bad as I’m making it out to be. That is why I call it my “Summer of Fun.” I did have a lot of good times. I’ll save some of them for future posts. I got started on this one because I was reminded of being ghosted and how it was funny a woman was complaining about it. I didn’t think women had that problem.