I woke up seething with anger this morning. Good thing there was nobody here to see it except my cat. He hid under the chair until my tantrum was over. I don’t know if it is a med thing or what. I’m afraid to experiment and change the times I take them. My ex wife told me to take them at opposite times of the day but I don’t think that would be good.

I did experiment with my anxiety meds recently. I realized if I take them when I have high anxiety it is too late. It’s because they are the long acting ones and take a long time to kick in. I tried counting and found it takes 8 hours for them to start relieving my anxiety. So I started taking them as soon as I wake up in the morning hopefully before a panic attack. My doctor won’t give me fast acting bens because I have been on these for so long and he thinks I am prescribed too many already. He is the one prescribing them so…

The experiment wasn’t exactly a success but at least I know why I feel a little better after the sun goes down. Also I have a general time of day I can look to and wait for my anxiety to come under control. I always waited until the last minute before because I thought they should start working within the hour. Maybe they did a long time ago but now I have a tolerance.


My brother has a Twitter account. He doesn’t follow me on there. Instead he googles my account and reads it at his leisure. I go to his house once a year and I guess it’s just like a perfectly normal thing to do. Like he didn’t find out about Twitter by logging into my computer as me and investigating everything I did.


That may sound like a paranoid delusion as my brother tried to portray it to our mother. But after I suspected something I monitored my computer usage with the built in “windowseventviewer.” It told me that every Saturday I shut my computer off before I left at 7am to visit my daughter and every Saturday at 7:15am somebody turned on my computer and viewed webpages for 4 hours. It couldn’t have been my brother because he was “sleeping” when I left. This didn’t happen when he was 12; he was in his 40’s.

The prick’s Saturday morning routine was to “sleep” until I left the house, get up, take a shit, make some coffee, and settle down on my computer.

This happened a long time ago but I can still work myself into a rage over it. It is the biggest rumination I have left. I blame a little on myself for not completely locking down my computer but I could never imagine that happening. It’s not like I left my email open and he read it. He had to take many steps to investigate my entire life while I lived with him. He had his own computer, in his own room. I never once turned it on or even set foot in his room unless it was to talk to him.

My emails, dating site messages, interactive website I designed, my bank account (yes, he signed into my bank account), my facebook page (we weren’t facebook friends) my other facebook page by invite only ( or if he was signed in as me). That is where he fucked up. He had a few beers one night and didn’t like something I wrote so he responded on my page, as me, dropping a ton of F bombs in his long diatribe. That was at night while I was sleeping less than 3 feet away.

He didn’t only invade my privacy, he invaded the privacy of everyone who communicated with me electronically. How would you like to talk to me on a dating site and find out my brother had read all your messages? What if you were one of my pen pals?

This happened over the course of the several years while I lived with him. I paid rent so I think I at least deserved respect of my room. When I threatened to kill him, he tried to deny it but when I brought up each “coincidence” where he actually took actions triggered by what he read on my computer, he would stop bumping his gums and his jaw would hit the floor. The last thing he said was, “You know I’m nosy.” Like it was my fault, of course it was just a natural thing for him to do.


The worst part was when I went into his room and found his little journal. In it was a letter he wrote to me and never sent. Like one of those things you do on purpose. In it he said, “I took the liberty of reading your emails.” What does that mean, “took the liberty”? It was dated a month after I moved in. So basically as soon as I got my shit together and plugged in my computer, he was on it investigating. This went on without my knowing the several YEARS I lived there.

I hope I’m not regressing. I haven’t been able to read or write more than a little at a time. I skipped posting yesterday because I had nothing. When I finally got the book I wanted to read I couldn’t read it. I used to be able to write a blog post in my head and then just type it out. Now I just stare at a blank screen. I have plenty of start up ideas but I can’t get them started. I have a feeling this may be my only post of the week.

I did it. I wrote a post and scheduled it for Sunday. I used to have at least a couple scheduled ahead of time. I get less time to function each day so I try to write and read when I can. Still couldn’t read. I guess I used up all my productivity for the day.


I had to cancel on my daughter today. I just can’t function. I hate telling her I will be there and then not going. I rarely do it but I know I will be useless all day.

I listened to the last hour of SaltFatAcidHeat by Samin Nosrat. It covers the basics of cooking in detail. It is good if you are just starting out but I knew most of the information from cooking for myself and watching the Food Network. I have another book going but I can only focus for a few pages at a time. I like it but I just can’t get going on it.

The Mediator


Spoiler alert: If I am at the point where I think I need a meditation to calm me down, it is too late for a meditation to calm me down. I don’t know why people keep telling me to meditate. I can’t do it when it would actually be helpful. If I am wound up already it is impossible to follow. Once they get to the part of telling you to relax and focus on your breathing, I am as far away from focused as can be.


I didn’t realize I was waking up enraged every morning. I mean screaming mad. I want to yell but I clamp down on it and it comes out as a loud “grrr!” I mean, I’m practically drooling. Scares my cat under the couch. This lasts for about half an hour unless, god forbid, I spill a few drops of coffee on the floor and it starts all over again. The simplest things send me flying off the handle. Or something more egregious like the wrong song coming on my playlist or the cat knocking over the trash bucket. “Arrgh!” I’m so loud in the morning. I wonder what the neighbors think.


I spent 20 minutes waiting for a late call from my doctor. That was 18 minutes more than I spent talking to him. I knew it would be quick so I tried to prepare what to say. I wanted to make a medication change but he doesn’t like doing that over the phone and he spent most of the call trying to end the call. “Talk to you in 2 months.”


I usually do pretty well in the mornings. I wake up, drink 2 coffees, cook lentils and take my meds. Normally I get a good 3 or 4 hours before my symptoms kick in. I try to get some reading and writing going before it becomes impossible and I have to wait until the middle of the night before I calm down again.

I’m lucky today. I didn’t get that initial rush of anxiety, which is good because I really need to go to the store and stock up on food. I’m almost finished with my emergency supplies. I generally have to get myself out the door before I get a chance to overthink what is coming up. I’m usually okay if I get going before any paranoia starts. I feel so good I think this might be one of those days where I make it through without a problem. But that could change like the weather.

I’m still pissed at my doctor. I told him I was having a hard time, I’m sure he could hear in my voice I was having a hard time. I told him I had been taking an extra dose of my anti-psychotic to get through the past few days. He asked me if I thought it was helping and when I said yes, he changed the subject and a short time later the phone call was finished. My whole point was to get him to increase the dosage on my med but he didn’t get it.


I made it to the store yesterday. I felt good from the moment I woke up. I made a schedule and I stuck to it. I got everything on my list and even a few more things. I felt so good at the store I decided to make it Rib-Eye day. I usually make a one pot meal but it’s been about a month since I had steak. I cooked it immediately after I got home and put everything away. It was a little early for dinner but it was good.

Today is a different story. I was woken up by a panic attack again. My heart is still clenched tight. I don’t know what makes the difference between days. When I went to bed I felt great. I felt great all day yesterday. No symptoms. Maybe a little anxiety but that could have been natural from going out and being around so many people. So why did I wake up frazzled? I took the same meds at the same time, bed same time, woke up same time. Totally different reaction.

I planned on returning some papers to my landlord during my couple hours of good time this morning but I didn’t get my good time this morning. I’ve been a little nervous about it because I haven’t been in the office since I started paying my rent online in January. It is simple paperwork but I can’t bring myself to fill it out. It’s been a week and I have to return it by Sept. 1st. The days are going by faster. It’s so stupid. All I have to do is check the box saying I want to renew my lease and say I’m not a full time student and list all the people who live here. (Just me) I pulled the papers out and started freaking. I couldn’t even pick up a pen. I put them back for another day. Yesterday my plan was to do it by 11am but now it is 12 and I am only able to sit here and type.


I made it to my daughter’s yesterday. Her mom and her aunt were there again. This time it was planned. I like hanging out with them. We are all pretty funny people so there were lots of laughs. We just hang on the small porch out of the sun all day and bust balls.

My daughter is at the age where she wants to rebel but she really can’t. We all like the same music, she wants to get her septum pierced and we say go ahead, do you need a ride? Her mom already does everything that could get a kid into trouble. There isn’t much she could do that I haven’t done. She’s really into getting pierced. Everything but her ears. Her mom says she has to wait until she’s 18 to do more than her nose. She’s interested in gauging so hopefully she doesn’t put any holes in her head she will regret later in life. At this point her best chance at being a rebel is going totally straight edge.

She is into baking and the two of us spent some time in the kitchen. She made chocolate chip cookie, cheesecake freezer bars. Yummo! Then I don’t know what happened. Something flipped the switch and shut my brain off. I was no longer in on the jokes and couldn’t keep up my end of the conversation. I went quiet. Luckily it was around the time of day I usually head home but it sucked because I had so much fun I was planning on staying late.

I pass 2 state sponsored package stores on my ride home from my daughter’s house. Also in my state they are allowed to sell soft drinks (beer and wine) at any convenience or grocery store. Leaving my daughter’s house where I feel like part of the family and then being alone is a trigger for me to drink. That, plus the drop in my mood. I wasn’t close to drinking but I thought about it with every store I passed. Alcohol is so ubiquitous.

Speaking of drinking, I follow a sobriety blog I found accidentally. They post stories, poems and thoughts of people who quit or are trying to quit drinking. Yesterday the title was “2 days sober.” I just couldn’t relate. Two days for me is when I have a really bad hangover and can’t even think about drinking. I’m not sober until the 3rd day. I’ve never been a daily drinker. It’s not until about 7 to 9 days sober that I start thinking hard about buying some more alcohol. I can go that long without thinking of drinking. I’m still dependent which I never thought could happen with my style of drinking.

If you’ve ever been to an AA meeting you have heard them say you have to pray twice a day for god to relieve your obsession with alcohol. Then everyone who speaks there knows exactly how many days since their last drink. That seems a little obsessive to me. It hasn’t been too long for me but I don’t know the exact number of days. I could count it if I wanted. I remember the date I was last drunk. It’s easy because it was the month of my birthday. I don’t know how the 8th stuck in my head because I’m usually bad with numbers. I can hardly think how many months it’s been. When I try I always think it’s one month more than it’s been and then I have to look at the calendar.

I hope I can keep my streak alive. I’ve gone longer without drinking but I’ve never tried to quit for life like I’m trying now. I know I could break and get drunk any day. I’ve come close a couple times. If I do I can imagine how it would go. I would meet a woman who likes to drink and I would lie and say I’m not much of a drinker and have just a couple with her. Then I would be off to the races because I can never stop at “just a couple drinks.”

Wake Up!


“Just stay in the moment, ” They say. “What if the moment sucks?” I ask. I don’t know what happened to yesterday. I woke up and made some coffee like normal. I turned on the music to get the morning noise out of my head. I didn’t last one song. I turned it off and sat there. That was too much for me. I tried the t.v. I didn’t make it until the first commercial break. I turned it off and sat there. It was too much. Okay, I could try reading. That was a joke. I picked up the book and put it down before I read one word. I sat there. I couldn’t take it. I tried my computer. Too much bad news. Even the joke tellers gave up telling jokes. I went back to bed to like down. That lasted two minutes and I was back up. I don’t know how many times I repeated this cycle throughout the day. To no avail.

“Agitation” was the word of the day. I just looked it up. The definition fits perfectly.


It happened again! I thought if I made myself leave the house without thinking about it I could get my hair cut. It went okay. I almost forgot my mask. She was almost done and I started hearing things and got the paranoia. I just wanted to get out of there. I forgot how to use my debit card. I just stood there while the machine beeped at me to remove my card. I rushed home.

Again, I couldn’t sit, stand or lie down. I definitely wasn’t going outside again. I got desperate late in the night and tried a guided meditation on YouTube. I checked the timer; I didn’t even make it 2 minutes!

I’ve been having about 4 good hours in the mornings and then my day goes to shit. I can’t function.


I was thinking of not having coffee but it never bothered me before and I only drink 2 regular cups. I’m going to have to shift my schedule so I can do things after midnight again. That has been the best time for me lately. I even read a couple chapters. Could not sit still yesterday until night.


Last Friday I got a phone call from a number I didn’t recognize. Then I got a text that said, Hey this is J give me a call. I hadn’t seen her since she just disappeared over a year ago. She told me she had been in California. She asked if she could come over later. About 7pm I got a text that said be there soon. I waited and she never showed. I wasn’t worried. That is normal for her. But I didn’t think she would do it the first night.

She texted me again yesterday. Same thing. I knew she wouldn’t be here early. She is a late night person. So I took a shower and turned on the tv to wait. I was right. She showed up after midnight. J is schizophrenic like me. I don’t know how I find them. I don’t advertise for it. It’s just synchronicity.

Unlike me, I don’t think J takes her meds. When she got here she said she hadn’t slept in 3 days. On the phone she had told me about a carpet beetle problem she had at her place. When she came out of the bathroom she said I had them too. Then she got in my room and was searching the floor. She kept telling me she saw them. Apparently they are so small and move so slowly that only she can see them.

The only insects I have seen in my apartment are spiders. I tried to ignore her but she kept spotting more. (I could still see nothing) I was starting to get itchy from all the talk. She stayed for a couple hours and then told me she was going home to throw away her bed and everything so she could finally get some sleep. She had bought an air mattress. She told me they don’t bite but she has sensitive skin. She told me to look at her arm but I couldn’t see anything.

It is always something with her. But she had me creeped out. After she left I pulled the lamp down close to the floor but I still couldn’t see anything moving. I hope she doesn’t rip up her carpet because she lives in an apartment and would have to pay for that shit.


2am wrap up. I made it to my daughter’s in the morning. I wore myself out and now I feel more relaxed than I have all week. I can barely think. I had to get out of the house early before my brain could change it’s mind.

I don’t know what I am going to do in the morning. I have to get some food pretty soon. I can think of ten reasons I won’t do that tomorrow. My brain is slogged. I can imagine what my body will feel like when I wake up.

What a crappy week. Now my friend has me thinking there are insects crawling around my place when I know they aren’t. I wonder if she got any sleep. She had it really bad. She was seeing those things everywhere.

Uneventful, I hope


Yesterday I biked 25 miles round trip to see my daughter. It was 85 degrees and humid. I liked it. I love to sweat. It’s also good for my right leg which is smaller than my left since I got into a bad accident a few years ago. I broke both bones right below my knee. They put 8 pins in it and I can feel them when I put pressure. I also wrenched my knee. I did all the rehabilitation myself. That was the least of my problems. They were going to drill a hole in my skull to relieve the pressure on my brain. I had double vision for a long time. That cleared up but I still can’t see to my left side. When I want to take a left turn on my bicycle I have to stop and turn my head all the way around.

Some people give me shit about not seeing my daughter enough. I bet they wouldn’t do what I do. When I was driving we had an agreement I could visit once a week. Now in the summer I can go any time during the week, as many times as I want. I get along well with my ex-wife and she wants me to see my daughter as much as possible. It has still only been once a week so far this summer due to so much rain and I have to take days to get food also.


I follow a blog about abstaining from drinking. I didn’t get the whole month but I started following “Dry July” with them. It’s where you don’t drink for the month of July. They posted facts about alcohol, people’s sobriety stories, poems, etc… Then on July 29th they disappeared. It was weird. Maybe they ran out of material? Now they are back on August 2nd. It’s not like I started drinking again. Just strange.

Trying to decide if I can write a review on Patti Smith’s book, “Just Kids”, since I tried but could only get half way through it. I think that was enough to inform an opinion.

I don’t think I’ll be doing anything constructive today. I’ve only had a 20 minute nap in the past 24 hours. My anxiety is pretty intense. I only got halfway through a guided sleep meditation on YouTube. It made me focus on how I can’t breathe through my diaphragm today. I can only take short, shallow breaths into the tops of my lungs. Concentrating on this causes more anxiety and general tightness throughout my torso.


I finally got some sleep. About 4 hours, so I feel much better today. I find myself thinking I should go off my meds so I can get that great feeling of hypo-mania or mania. They took all of that away from me and left me with only long bouts of depression. Now the only part of mania I get is the lack of sleep. 24 hour days are pretty long when you stay awake the whole time.

I just wrote half a review of a book I could only get halfway through. It was a good book, I just had a personal problem. I’m trying to find new books to read but my library apps don’t have the greatest selection. I’m skimming a book now that I don’t think I will say anything about unless I run out of stories to post.


I love having sex in the afternoon. All of those feel good chemicals stay in my brain until I fall asleep at night. I slept deeper than usual and some of it has held on until today. It’s much better than anything my doctor can give me. It really relaxes my brain and even thwarts my voices. I wish my doctor could write a prescription for sex and I would just go to the sex store toget it filled.

These two girls are sharing me because it is safer than bringing another man into the mix. Since they know I’m not sleeping with anyone else, we are a self contained unit. It works out for all of us, I just wish it happened more often. I’m home all the time and we are in the middle of a pandemic so I can only wish to meet someone else.

I just finished another book to fill my mind with useful and useless facts about trees. I thought I would have a harder time reading on a tablet but I like it quite a bit. The pages never stick together and it has a built in dictionary. That helps me because I am too lazy to stop reading and open my dictionary app. I have forgotten a lot of words since I was unable to read for a couple years. I’m so happy it just came back to me.


I forced myself to go to the store today because I was running out of food. Thinking about it in the morning sucked. It was easier because I had a phone call in the afternoon and if I just get up and leave without thinking, I can do it. Walking there sucked. The wind in the trees and the sound of car tires on the road turned into voices talking to me. On the way home wasn’t bad. I was concentrating on my leg muscles and the weight on my back.


Woke myself upwitha fucking panic attack. I was already overbreathing and heart attack. I got the most selleep I got all week I don’t know why. Thought I wasn’t gong to see my daughter because if it an that made it workse. It ‘s already lasting for more than an hour and a hslf. I used to have a contrarian nurse practionaer he was half my age I described my panic atttacks to him and all he said was “panic attacks don’t last that long” that’s it no advice. He was a cocksucker. alll he ddid was disagree with me. Iv’e been doing this since he was in grade school. I got rid of him.


It may not be real; but I still hear it.

I don’t remember much about yesterday. My whole body hurt when I woke up. I had to pedal into some fierce winds and it took all my energy to make it home. My daughter was great. We spent the day on the porch with her 4 dogs. Yes, 4.

Exercise gets the feel good chemicals going too but mostly endorphins. They break down quickly and the pain comes back.


Even though in the past 48 hours I’ve gone from feeling good to feeling depressed to feeling nothing at all; It seems like however I feel at the moment is how I’ve always felt and is how I will always feel. I know life is transient but everything feels like forever.

Further Indiscretions


My two girlfriends came over and helped me relieve some stress. I’ve been seeing them about once a month for a year now. I talked them into coming over twice this month because I needed to calm down. I met the older one on a dating site and she brought her younger friend with her. It’s very businesslike. They come over during the day, we talk a little, have sex and they leave. For the longest time I wasn’t sure if they were faking it to make me feel like the man. Today they were talking to each other and said, it doesn’t compare, they can’t do that for themselves at home. Sex is the only safe drug I have and it is better than any other. My brain is buzzing now and my whole mind and body are calm.

The situation with them is fine but I need something else too. Somewhere along the spectrum of today and a real relationship. I know I can’t handle a real relationship. I need to find someone I can hang out with for a night once in a while.


My case manager texts me on Mondays and calls me on Wednesdays. If I don’t respond then she calls the cops for a “Wellness Check.” That is where they cuff me and stuff me and bring me to the psych ward. They don’t care if all the neighbors in my large apartment complex see me handcuffed, searched and stuck in he back of the wagon. Even better they just drop me off at the psych ward and leave me to find my own ride home if the hospital decides I don’t need to be admitted. It’s fun to be treated like a criminal just because I have a mental illness.

Before my therapist went on maternity leave, I had her calling on Fridays to do the same thing. Ostensibly it was a therapy session but she was trying to get me off the phone as soon as she started talking to me. “How are you feeling? Are you taking your meds? Okay, talk to you same time next week.” I don’t blame her; I was her last call on a Friday afternoon and she just wanted to get on with her weekend.

A couple months ago I missed one of these calls. I never put my phone on mute but for some reason I had on that day. I was in the other room and I heard the vibrating noise but didn’t know what it was. It clicked and I rushed to my phone but I was too late. Before I could finish listening to my therapist’s voicemail, my case manager was calling. Then she texted me. I had to hang up the phone and text back I was okay. If I didn’t hear my phone I would have had a cop, “cop knocking” at my door. You know how they do it. Banging really loud and announcing to the whole neighborhood they are the police and why they are there. I”m tired of this shit.


I have a little time before I go to see my daughter. I hope she still likes me. I’m sure she does. My mind just blows things out of proportion. I’m always worrying about something. I was talking to my friend who has three daughters. As soon as I told her what was going on with my daughter she said, It’s puberty and it sucks for the child and the parent. That is what I knew anyway but I always make things worse for myself. I will feel better after I bicycle there.

I started an epic story for my Wednesday post but I don’t think I will get it done in time. The more I wrote the more I thought of to write. It’s not like I have to post on Wednesday, it’s just that I have every week since I started this blog. I think my first post was on that day.

I biked to my daughter’s house today. I got a pretty good sun/wind burn on my face. It doesn’t take much and it was the first time I sat out on the beach this year. It was almost 90 degrees outside. I’m using the AC for one of the few times.

My daughter is fine. I just get it tied up in my head one way and can’t get it out. I spend too much time alone.


6am. I just reversed my sleep schedule by falling asleep before midnight. I must be tired from riding my bike yesterday.

A few nights ago when I wasn’t sleeping I signed up for a dating site again to maybe meet someone. It was the same as I remember. I can click around and it tells you who is online at the moment. I send a bunch of messages and don’t get any responses from the women I think are compatible. Everyone is way too serious on there. I send humorous messages so people know I’m not taking it seriously or trying to get married or something. If I’m not serious enough that is the end of the conversation. People are so rude, they just stop talking to you if you don’t say the perfect thing.

I did see someone from my town who seemed normal so I was talking to her for a couple nights. I was making her laugh but she didn’t really like me. She likes to go out for drinks and I just can’t do that. I tried to get her number to text but she didn’t want to and I realized I can’t go out on real dates anyway. It’s only been 3 nights and I am done with it I think. I don’t know who really meets up on the site. All the men want sex and all the women don’t want sex. Some women I see say they are looking to get married and they are in their 40’s. You can’t find your husband on a free dating app. Good thing it is free and I didn’t waste any money on it. It just made me realize I’m not prepared to date anyone. I just want to hang out and talk and do some low key activities. I don’t want to go out party every night or even on the weekends. I don’t need something spectacular going on all the time.

I finished my Wednesday post. I didn’t proofread it. I just finished typing and hit publish. I feel like I left out some important points but it was also getting too long for anyone to read. The title doesn’t make any sense unless you know the name of the town Telluride is a contraction of the phrase, “T’ ‘ell ‘U’ ride.” It is what they would tell the gold miners back in the 1800’s because it was such a long trail with no supply stations and it led to the middle of nowhere.


Just like that, I ditched the online dating. I’m in no condition to meet someone new. I am doing the bare minimum keeping up with my place. There is cat hair all over the floor and already this morning I said, fuck vacuuming.

Before my therapist went on maternity leave, one of the quality of life questions she would always ask me is if I was doing my laundry. I would always lie and say yes. On the last day we talked I decided to tell her, no, I’m not doing my laundry. She asked me how it was getting done. Like I have a maid service or something. She works with mentally ill people every day and she couldn’t fathom a person wouldn’t wash their clothes. I”m glad she took a few months off. She can be dense sometimes.


I have never hit the “pink cloud” phase people at AA talk about. It doesn’t matter how long I go without drinking, I never get that feeling my life has magically transformed. Maybe it’s my drinking style. I never drank every day. Instead I would get get really drunk on the weekends without thinking about booze on the days in between. I didn’t know until it was too late that is another form of alcoholism called binge drinking. I always thought you had to drink every day to become dependent on alcohol.

Binge drinking is defined as having 5 or more drinks for the average size man and 4 drinks for an average size woman in one sitting. If you are doing that on an typical night out you could be looking at some trouble later in life. Your blood alcohol content has nothing to do with how much you actually weigh. It is determined by how much you “should” weigh based on your height. That is because it doesn’t matter how much weight you gain, your body never makes a larger quantity of blood to make up for it. The idea that a larger man can handle more alcohol is a myth. The only reason they can handle more is because they have a tolerance. Having a tolerance is another major red flag for alcoholism.

I am sitting here in my 3rd or 4th month without drinking and I am still waiting for that pink fuzzy cloud to surround my brain. I’ve read stories of other alcoholics feeling it as soon as one month sober. I’m not sure if that can be true. A lifetime of problems aren’t just going away because you stopped drinking for 30 days.

My depression has lifted but not because I stopped drinking. It was the opposite. My depression dissipated first and that is how I was able to put the brakes on my drinking. I’ve had longer periods without drinking but I’ve never experienced the “miracle” they tell you to sit back and wait to arrive.

It is only 10am and I’ve already written on here and also did two book reviews. I’m usually just waking up at this time so I don’t know what made me so productive. Just a couple days ago I was struggling to write anything. I only had my usual 2 cups of coffee. Any more and my mind is ruined for the whole day. I learned that the hard way. Now I’ve bought myself some time to write about more interesting topics. If I can think of something.

Wow. Right after I wrote that I got incredibly depressed. Like I have to go to bed depresssed. But there was no sleeping. My schedule is upside down. I have to pull a 24 hour day to make it to 5am and fix it. After I came out of it I had bad anxiety and paced around until 5pm. That’s when I feel safer. I am always afraid they are going to break the door down between 9 and 5.



I wake up in the grip of fear. I have to become an automaton to make it to my automatic coffee maker. Then I put together a cup of lentils on the stove top. I have to push all other thoughts out of my head or I can’t get started. Then it is off to the bathroom and take my pills, I need a bens in the morning as soon as I feel the anxiety start. Otherwise if I wait an hour it is too late. After that my coffee is ready and I switch on the computer. I used to scroll Twitter but now since I’ve started this blog it gives me something else to do. I read most of the blogs I follow who posted before I woke up. If I do all this I am usually set to face the day.


Yesterday was pretty uneventful. I pulled myself together before noon and walked to the pharmacy and Goodwill store. I need some clean T shirts for summer but they were almost sold out. I bought one but it was too small when I got it home. I also got a good jacket to wear in the rain in warm months. I only had winter coats before and they weren’t waterproof.

I read a sample of a book by Patti Smith, “Year of the Monkey” and it was pretty good so I borrowed it while I wait for another book. The app is weird. You need a library card to use it and they have limited copies of some books so you have to put some on hold sometimes. My question is if the books are digital, how can there be a limited number of copies? It doesn’t make sense to me. I’ve never had a book reader before so I don’t know how it works on other apps. I can’t read like I did when I was younger so I can afford to wait.

Yesterday and today have been going fine. Except for my usual morning problems I’ve been feeling like a normal human. I rack my brain to figure out what makes the difference between a good day and a bad day. Sometimes my mood is completely disconnected from what is going on in my life. I go to bed and wake up at the same time, take my meds at the same time, eat the same. I can’t understand why some days I cannot function at all. Today was pretty good and it’s almost midnight so it can only get better.


Sometimes I can fall asleep without taking my meds. It’s fitful and I wake myself every half hour rolling over and back to sleep again. This happened last night around midnight until I finally took my meds at 5. I watched tv for 15 minutes then I was out till 9. I’m not tired.

I just finished my first book since my accident 3 years ago. “Year of the Monkey” by Patti Smith. Up until recently I couldn’t concentrate through more than a couple long paragraphs. I’m so happy. I used to read forever. Actually my first book was an audio but this one was text (digital) and it forced me to concentrate on the page. I like it better than audio. I will probably write a post about it later.


I am only able to do meditations when I don’t really need them. I did 2, 30 minute guided sleep meditations last night. I was so relaxed I fell asleep for about 10 minutes then woke up with more anxiety than ever.

I’ve been very productive today and that usually helps to lift my mood and keep me from going down the rabbit hole. I walked to the grocery and stocked up. I wrote a blog post about the book I read and I started another audio book. I listened to an hour yesterday and I am going to try to listen to another hour today. It is a 9 hour listen so I am glad it is audio rather than a text version.


My daughter asked me if I could wait until next week to go see her. She has been sad this week. Her mom said she is crying because she thinks she is hurting my feelings. My feelings aren’t hurt. I’m just wondering if it is normal 15 year old things or something else. I’m worried because mental illness runs in both her mom’s and my families. I don’t want her going through depression or worse in her life. I know it sucks.

It’s funny. My first instinct was to get drunk over it. Get completely obliterated until I can’t feel my feelings anymore. But there is not enough alcohol in the world for that. It doesn’t work that way for me. Alcohol amplifies my feelings and I drink more and more until I finally black out and there is nothing there. Until I wake up the next day. Then it comes back worse than ever. I also tend to skip my meds when I’m drinking and that is not a good idea. Skipping my meds means I can stay awake for days and drink more than anything. A few months ago before my depression lifted, I would have done just that.

Alcohol is fucked up. It changes your brain. Even though I know I can’t drink, I still want to get shit faced. There is a small but powerful part of my brain that actually wants bad things to happen to give me an excuse to get drunk. Even a death in my family would be acceptable to that part of my mind as long as it meant my reptile brain could get what it wants. This is the perfect time too. The weekend is here and I could get wasted for 4 days and keep it to myself. Nobody would know I’m an idiot. Nobody would know I can’t deal with my feelings.

It’s only 10am. If I started now I could drink a case of beer today before the store closed tonight. Who knows what would happen tomorrow. A few months ago I would already have the beer. That buzzing in my ear telling me everything is going to be better. I don’t count the days since my last drink. That seems obsessive. I don’t like to brag about how long it’s been since I drank. I know it could end today and I would be right back where I started.

I really hope my daughter is going through normal teenage angst. I worry about her every day. I don’t want her medicated before she is 18. I want it to be her choice. If she thinks she needs it. I don’t want her to need medication at all and doctors are so quick to diagnose and prescribe to young children. I didn’t know what to say to her. I just said it’s okay to feel bad and I will always love her. I told her it wouldn’t be normal to feel good every day. It’s hard; I can only do it through text. She doesn’t phone or FaceTime with anyone. She never like it. I wish I could just go there and tell her it’s fine.

I could easily worst case scenario this and ruin myself. I don’t know how I’m being so calm about it. I usually blow stuff up and catastrophize. I guess writing helps. That’s why I opened this blog. I used to write long emails to people but I don’t have any good email friends anymore. I just sit here alone and ruminate. At least this lets it go somewhere. This is part of why my blog is anonymous.


The depression hit me this morning. Along with that friendly voice telling me I’m worthless and should kill myself. Of course I can’t listen but I know how to stop it. At least temporarily. But it will only come back tenfold. I didn’t use anything yesterday and don’t plan on it today. Funny, the 4th of July was harder. Maybe because I had a defined plan to get drunk. I was only hours away from following through but somehow stopped myself. Today all I can do is turn up the music to drown out my voice. Meditation would be impossible. My therapist is always telling me to try it. But it only works when I don’t need it.

Alcohol isn’t my drug of choice. It’s just so cheap and accessible. There are 2 state run liquor stores in my small town. Dedicated to selling only hard stuff. I stay away from that but I can go into any other store in town and buy beer or wine. I’m so old I don’t even get carded. All I need is a form of payment and boom.

I’m surprisingly chilled out today after a rocky start. I ate something and now I’m having a couple cups of weak coffee. I can’t make it too strong because I don’t sleep anyway. It helps me focus my mind into one stream.

It’s been really quiet in my apartment complex for the last few weeks. I think the drunk woman upstairs moved out because she was very loud. And you can hear everything in the hallways. Every day I was getting paranoid and thinking those noises were someone coming for me to take me away. That is a welcome change. I think it is a large part of me attempting to read books again.


It’s 2am and I just got catfished. People like to do that when they are bored. I should have known by the way she avoided some of my questions. It was good until I tried to trade numbers to meet up then she disappeared. Figures



Sad girl on dock


I was supposed to see my daughter today but when I got up this morning her mom texted me she was crying and could I come another day. At first my all or nothing thinking had me worried my daughter wouldn’t want to see me again. Then I thought of something worse. I was there last Thursday and we were all having a good time out on the porch. My daughter suddenly got melancholy and looked sad and was barely talking. I know mental illness is hereditary. I am schizo-affective and her mom suffers with chronic depression. Luckily my daughter has not experienced any trauma but I still look for signs of depression. She is only fifteen so I know it is normal for her to be crying and not know the reason. Still I think in worst case scenarios so I am always worried. Hopefully it is unfounded.


My daughter has never liked talking on the phone. Since she was 3 the most I could get out of her was, “Hi daddy, I love you, bye daddy”. Now that she is 15 she is the same. In the days between my seeing her we text a little. Today she told me she was tired but she had slept and then she sent me the heart emoji. That means she is done texting. Her mom said she is being 15. I hope so. I am going to try to see her tomorrow. I’ll see how she feels.

I just spent 5 hours frozen in bed. My fight or flight was in full force. My chest was so tight I was barely breathing and it felt like a fist was clenched around my heart. I put the tv on to listen so I could have part of my mind diverted. The rest of it was swirling in my head. I don’t know what started it. I already took my anxiety meds. I don’t have extra. The whole time I was making deals with myself. I knew I could get rid of it by drinking one of those 24 oz. beers from next door. But the punchline is one of those cans of beer is equal to four regular beers; and I never stop after four. Still I kept bargaining. I could buy two cans and pass out early and get up on time to see my daughter tomorrow. Like that would happen. I don’t pass out early. I drink until all the alcohol is gone. No matter how bad it makes me feel the next day; And I feel bad the next day.

I don’t know how I made it through. I kept thinking I am going to see my daughter tomorrow. Maybe I just had too much anxiety to even get dressed and walk to the store. Whatever it was, I made it. I wasted the whole night, but I made it. I got up and microwaved yesterday’s soup. Then I remembered. I must have had a premonition this morning. I bought a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream without even thinking about it. I don’t know if I felt better and ate the ice cream or if I ate the ice cream and it made me feel better. Now I am cruising around on half anxiety. They say writing helps but I couldn’t even think of it earlier. I couldn’t get out of bed, never mind open a draft and wrangle a keyboard. They? They have all kinds of helpful hints, but what can you do if you don’t even have control over your body? All I had planned was shaving my face for tomorrow. I couldn’t even handle that. I’ll have to plan it for the morning before I leave. I bet anything it will be like nothing ever happened.


I told you I would feel fine today. (I already shaved my face) Even though I woke up at the ungodly hour of 8am. I did go to bed early. (2am) I usually fall asleep around 5am. That is enough sleep for me. I don’t feel tired during the day. I always have a lift in my mood when I know I’m going to see my daughter. It’s already 80 degrees outside. (I don’t know celsius since we gave up on the metric system) We might go to the beach (a block from her house) but she only likes it at high tide. It is too rocky to swim at low tide. Plus the seaweed drifts in closer to the sand.


Yesterday was fine. We just hung out on the porch all day. It was beautiful. People ask me what we “do” when I visit. I feel like saying we hang out and talk; don’t you talk to your kids?

After I got divorced visiting my daughter was a huge trigger for me to drink. Seeing her was great but I would spend the day like a family and then go home to be alone. I used to drink heavily on those nights. Luckily I stopped that and can enjoy the carry over of a good feeling. It is never dull at her house. She is there, her mom, 12 year old twin step brothers. 4 dogs and 2 cats. Plus there there are a lot of people who stop in once in a while. That cuts both ways because sometimes it is friends from when we were married and it is strange because I lost touch with them but my wife hasn’t. I get along best with her cousin. She is much younger but she has always been nice to me. I see her most often when I visit.

I need to type with music or the television going so I can have 2 things happening to distract my mind from itself. I drank 2 cups of coffee earlier. Sometimes it has the opposite effect and calms me down. I had high anxiety earlier but now I am pretty relaxed. I used to drink a lot more coffee but most days I only drink 2 cups in the morning. Regular cups, not extra large. I would quit but I need something because I wake up before my meds wear off.

I’ve been reading posts about Dry July where you don’t drink alcohol for the month. I’ve been longer than a month but I still don’t find it as easy as they say it is. It probably doesn’t help that the 4th is in July. They do say not to be afraid of having treats. I already had ice cream the other day and last night I found 2 chocolate bars in the freezer I had forgotten about. I just ate now and I am thinking of what to eat next.


My anxiety kicks in as soon as I wake up. Sometimes it wakes me up. Not a welcome nudge into reality. Most mornings all I can do is keep my usual routine. A couple cups of coffee and make my lentils. (I know it’s a weird breakfast) I have to put on music before I do anything. Then I get on the computer for some distraction. After an hour or two I can usually face the day. This new blogging thing seems to help. Instead of passively reading I can activate my mind in the morning and other points in the day.

Nature vs. Nurture

This post was supposed to be about hereditary illness but I got distracted by my illness. I’ve been up for 2 hours now and I feel pretty good today. The person I am worried about inheriting illness is my daughter. Both her mom and I are diagnosed. I am schizo-affective and her mom has chronic depression. She is an excellent mom but she needs a lot of down time she spends it in bed away from the family. I don’t live with my daughter so I don’t pose a clear problem. I can usually pull it together for a 1 day visit.

Her mom and I are also both alcoholics. The studies say it is genetic but I’m not sure. I was taught to drink by other drinkers at a young age but does that mean I was born to drink? Maybe. I found out my father died of liver cancer from alcoholism. Her mom also fares better in the alcohol department. She keeps it under control. I’ve seen her buzzed but never really drunk. On the other hand, I have been sober for some time but I feel like even today I could break my streak and just get smashed.

So far my daughter is against drugs and alcohol. That is exactly how I was at her age but the next year I was out all night partying with my friends half the week. We are always keeping a close eye on her looking for signs of mental illness. She experiences some sudden downturns in mood but maybe it is just part of being 15. Who knows when someone is that young? I just don’t want my daughter living through some of the horrible things I have experienced. I worry for her a lot.

This was supposed to be a themed post but I got distracted and couldn’t formulate the ideas. That is why it turned into a journal post. Today is Saturday and I am going to post it tonight. It hasn’t been a full week but yesterday I finally got the impetus to write a real post for Sunday, so I broke my spell. I sometimes give up on long blog posts. I hope this one isn’t too long or boring. Let me know if you made it this far.

It happened again. Hours of being rigidly frozen. Not as bad as before but this time with the paranoia. Every sound in the hallway someone trying to break into my apartment. I know it’s not true but I can’t talk myself out of it.

I feel better after midnight. I always feel better after midnight. I feel like I’ve accomplished something; made it through another day. Maybe it’s the bens I took finally kicking in. I don’t know. It’s the main reason I stay up so late. I’m not overcome with fear like I am during the day. I can finally relax. I stay up forever.

It’s 1 am now. This is my first shot at a diary type post. I think it is a little long but I didn’t know what else to write all week. I have sticky notes on my desktop with title prompts to give me ideas but I couldn’t get started on any of them. Finally yesterday I got one down about quitting smoking. Now seems like as good a time as any to post. I’m just repeating myself. It’s still yesterday in my country but they are well into a new day on the other side of the world.