Take Advice From Fools

Robot Brain

Don’t listen to anything I say. I go on like I got this sage wisdom. Nobody is talking to me today. I’m afraid I messed life up with my daughter. I woke this morning thinking I texted my daughter a little about the music we both like. That was Tuesday! Today is Friday! I was texting her non stop crazy shit for days. She wasn’t answering. I imagined she was responding and we were having a conversation. This morning I texted, Good morning, (heart emoji) like any other morning. She said, I love you, heart emoji) It was her first reply since Tuesday.

Since I started telling everyone about SuperUnknown and Chris Cornell killing himself at my age. I am thinking there is some incredible coincidence. No! Millions of people listen to that album. I was fucking delusional!

It wasn’t only her, it was her mom, she sent a text, saying don’t text after 10 pm go back and read what you wrote. She telling I am not trying to help myself. I didn’t argue but my doctors been telling me for years I am going to get progressively worse. I”m taking my meds, I’m keeping my appts. I was even sleeping and eating on a fairly strict schedule. I asked for a therapist months ago and after a long time I finally said to my case manager, what the heck is going on with the therapist??? Now I have one.

Then my mom thinks it’s cause I drink. It’s true but I”m not drinking all the time. She is getting back to her place in an hour… I want to ask her if she thinks I was drinking Thanksgiving weekend? I was with her 24/7, I don’t keep booze stashed in the house. What was I doing? Talking to her non stop and sleeping for an hour or two and talking to her. She can see all I have is water and Pepsi?

I want to ask, was I drinking that day I spent crying in Panera? No… The day I did the crazy 6 hour meditation and wouldn’t stop raving about it? No.. I can’t meditate for more than 30 seconds if I have a beer. I was drinking this week but I stopped When I ran out wed/thur am… I know it makes it worse but mania causes euphoria and lack of judgement and the delusions certainly don’t help!

Everyone else on my phone! Fr—- M—-, I was pissed at her and I wanted her to come over and have sex. I know she wouldn’t I just wanted to get back at her for lying to me. I know that would piss her off but I exlained it to her. She didn’t remember she explained it to me years ago. When we first met, I told her we couldn’t ever have sex and then we did a few year ago one day and that was when she disappeared. She siad she forgot all about that. I hope we are done talking.

I don’t care about any of that shit. I don’t know how much my daughter knew about me before but she didn’t know I was this crazy! I tried to explain today, but felt like I was making it worse and I was. I am going to wait until tonight and say, “goodnight, I love you! She is 16 I don’t want to scare her!

This is Where The Party Ends

“… Out from the kitchen to the bedroom to the hallway
Your friend apologizes, he could see it my way
He let the contents of the bottle do the thinking
Can’t shake the devil’s hand and say you’re only kidding”

“Your Racist Friend” They Might Be Giants

Time to hit the brakes. I don’t know what the fuck I’ve been doing. These stories aren’t funny. All weekend I’m saying, delete freakin’ Bumble! I wake up Monday and I already have a new message. “How was your weekend?”, “Great! You?, “Fantastic! I just hiked my first 4,000 footer!”, “Wow! I would love to listen to you tell me all about it.”, “You would have to send your number to do that.”, I sent my number. A couple hours later she sent her’s back with her real name.

What the fuck am I doing? Monday the woman I met last week was already coming over to soak my bed again after she gets out of work. I like her. Why am I trying to find someone else? I delete the people I was matched with on the app but I couldn’t delete the app. But no more swiping, that’s a step in the right direction. Fuck it! I texted my friend, “Sorry to uninvite you [some lame excuse].

Last week I asked my case manager what the hold up was with getting a new therapist. I guess I fell through the cracks. I am on the list again. Tuesday I texted her to ask if Seacoast was running any online support groups. She said she would look into it. I thought there must be some kind of shit. I googled and found something. I made an account but didn’t want to schedule the zoom because it isn’t for a couple weeks and who knows if I will remember.

My brain is still running. Now I’m wondering if there are dating sites for people with mental illnesses? That sounds just crazy enough to work. Yes, but they all look like scams. Okay, good. But there are “social networks” for people with disabilities. Whatever… Now I have something to do. A lot of those looked like scams but I joined one that looked like facebook for people with disabilities including mental illnesses. I made a fake account to see if there was anyone on there. Nope. There was a chat area with nobody in it.

This other site kept coming up that looked like a scam but for some reason, I kept looking at it. It had only popped up in one random search. I googled to see if it was a scam, nothing came up. But I don’t know? Again, I put in my email and little info and got a page that said they need 5 buck from paypal or my phone number to verify me. Seriously? Why am I doing this? I sent my number. After a couple hours, nothing, see? I knew it was a scam.

About 5pm my phone rang with a Canadian number. I almost didn’t pick it up, but something clicked. I answered and it’s some old broad calling about the website. She said she created it and she verifies everyone to keep out scammers. I’ll get an email giving me access, Make sure I check out the chatroom at 8pm, they have a dj playing music and they have a lot of fun… ??? Okay, now I can look at the site. It’s well made, there are no people in my area but they have a chatroom and a radio station with the DJ schedule. There is a picture of the woman who called me and the story behind why she started the site. I think I will check it out later.

I didn’t feel like cooking and walked to the store for some food, might as well pick up a 12 pack for the chat. WHAT? Too late now…

I got into the chat and there is only one person there, I said hello, he said hi. I asked if anyone goes in there. He said pretty soon. Okay, not too much going on. Then a few people popped in and the first guy said, “Hey, L—-, we got a new guy” It’s her! The 75 year old woman who called me later. She says she is so glad I made it and introduced me to everyone and got me involved in the conversation.

After an hour, I got a buzz, tunes are playing, these people are fun! They really were though. I feel like I was 20 again. I told them I haven’t done this since the 90’s, same music and everything. Extra fuel for my mania…. Oh yeah, I was the life of the party. She didn’t seem to mind. When she went to bed around 11pm she said she hoped I liked it and would come back again. Oh yeah!

I didn’t realize until the next morning. I was hearing their voices while I was talking to them. I wasn’t on Zoom, it was text only on my desktop. But I was talking and I could hear them. A couple guys stayed on after she left but nobody was talking. I asked one guy, “What do you like?”, “I don’t know”, “What do you mean you don’t know? You must like something.”, “I really like trains”, “Cool, what do you like about trains?”, “I don’t know”, “You must know, that is pretty specific thing to like.” He starts telling me. It’s pretty cool, Now we’re talking, I tell him what I like about trains. I tell him when we were kids the freight train had to slow down when it passed through our town and we would run alongside and hop it for a ride to Boston for the day. That lasted a while but then it was just me and the first guy. He is quiet again. I should have said good night. I didn’t. I said I know why I am coming back, what keeps you coming? I don’t know? You don’t know!

I thought I went to bed but I remember I stayed up on my tablet, and checked mental health dating in the app store. Luckily I had the faculties to know they were scams. But the weird thing is I checked sober dating apps. I’m shitfaced and I’m going to join a sober dating app? Makes sense. I almost did it too. They were based on 12 steps though. Good night.

Morning comes and I’m depressed. What the fuck am I doing? Yeah it was fun for a few hours but now I’m shit. A real piece of shit. But I was hoping I could do it again tonight. Sober this time though… Yeah right. This is not a good idea at all. Winter is coming and I’m home alone all the time? Hit the brakes!

Still in bed, kicking my own ass, crying. All the good stuff. My phone chimes, it’s fucking Bumble! What the fuck. I haven’t been on my phone. It’s a first message. A woman took the time to write, “Why would anyone want to go out with a guy who is already planning on saying or doing something that would cause her to throw her coffee in his face? You can do better…” Okay… She couldn’t see my whole profile is one big joke? The whole point is to show I’m not taking the app seriously. But she could have just swiped left… She had to tap that out on her phone?

I typed, “Was that a rhetorical question?”. I deleted the app!

Then I got on my computer and deleted all the stupid shit from yesterday…. Except for the chat. Instead I sent the owner an email saying,

Hi L—-, Thank you so much for going through the trouble of adding me. I got over excited and disrupted the chat. I think I may have put people off and made them feel less free to talk. I’m not sure I should come back.Thank you,

Why did I do that?

That was a few hours ago and I sat down to type this out and cook my “Power Brain Stew” ,which set off the smoke alarm but I think I saved it in time. I was doing great. I did all the prep, set the timer twice for each step, threw the lentils in and forgot to set the timer. Sitting here typing and listening to a meeting and can’t figure out why it smells funny in here. Oh shit! Just in time. The alarm in my apartment went off for a bit but I opened the windows. I was seconds away from setting off the alarm for the entire building! WTF.

I just got an email now, from L—–,

No you were delightful…You should not feel this way. I think both A— and myself really enjoyed speaking with you. I was actually waiting for you tonight. A— is on tomorrow 7 to 9…do come..People get quiet sometimes because we are in with the same people every night…It happens ..not to worry about that..Glad you sent me a message.Hope to see you.

I don’t know what to do. She isn’t trying to make any money off me. She said she gets like 90 bucks a month from people who send the $5. I saw her story on YouTube. She goes to church, she doesn’t drink. She was in a car accident and homebound for 10 years so she started the website.

So I wasn’t imagining it was fun just because I was drunk.

I’m so stupid.

Imagine if you will

Robot Brain

Tuesday, the 8th of June: I can’t comply with either of these medications. I have been taking a Latuda about once every 4 days. He wants me to take it every day but I can’t tolerate the pain in my calf muscles. I can’t go cold turkey either. That was extremely unpleasant. The off days I take the Vraylar. That shit fucks you up mentally. It’s the weirdest thing. I went on Drugs.com to read what other people said about it. The first 2 people said they slept exactly from 9pm to 4 am and then they were up for the day. I’m like, yeah, okay, how does it know what time zone you are in? I totally discounted their stories. Now here I am; it doesn’t matter what time of day I take it, 9pm, I’m in bed. I don’t really sleep but I”m not fully conscious. I’m aware of my mind running the whole time. Then… 4am… I open my eyes and I am up for the day. Not tired. Last night I thought I had an A-HA moment. I opened my eyes at 2am and felt like a “normal” day. I said, fuck this, I am closing my eyes and staying in bed the full 8 hours. I couldn’t close my eyes. I kept checking the time but it just didn’t feel right. Finally, I looked at my wristwatch and it was (did you guess?) 4am. The battery on my wall clock started dying in the middle of the night and was 2 hours slow! Now my ears are ringing like I have tinnitus. I really hope it’s unrelated. I didn’t take anything Saturday so I could function at my daughter’s the next day. I was fine.

Wednesday, the 9th of June, 2021: I biked to and from my daughter’s house last Sunday. That puts another 25 miles of pedaling on the calendar. I already forgot the total from the week before. We watched “Tangled” (Rapunzel) It was pretty good. I don’t have Disney channel at my place. I asked my daughter if she thought the guy was a little too old for Rapunzel who just turned 18. She said she didn’t know. I don’t think she is ever going to let me meet one of her boyfriends. She turns 16 this month. I usually give her cash because that is what she wants but I am not giving her cash for her 16th. I was thinking of having flowers sent to her house the day before her birthday. I don’t know what kind though. Would red roses be weird to get from your dad? I saw a local florist’s website. I could get a pretty good arrangement. Maybe I will call and ask for advice. The website was outdated. It still had Xmas flowers, but it was well done. I also need help writing the card. I want it to say something like, “Today is the first day of the rest of your life,” but a completely different phrase that means the same thing. I already dropped some coin on a Queens of The Stone Age, Vinyl. It was expensive because it was never re-released. She has quite the vinyl collection now.


“… you told me not to drive, but I made it home alive, so you said that only proves that I’m insane.” Billy Joel, “You May Be Right”

Thursday, the 10th day of June 2021: J___ stopped by a few weeks ago. I told her it doesn’t matter how long she is gone, I never wonder if I’m going to see her again. I know she will be back. She smiled and gave me a big hug. She called at the perfect time. When I saw her name on my phone I was like, There is no way I am not picking this up!

Yesterday I managed to get a blog written. I think I’m going to publish it Friday. So you will read that before I post this one.

[callback] Vraylar (cariprazine) 0 of 5 stars: Would not recommend.

Saturday, the 12th: All this time I have been trying to figure out what they did, I didn’t realize I wasn’t taking enough of anything. Oopsie.

You may be right

Robot Brain

“Friday night I crashed your party, Saturday I said I’m sorry, Sunday came and trashed me out again… I was only having fun, wasn’t hurting anyone and we all enjoyed the weekend for a change” You May Be Right, Billy Joel

5/31/21: Monday: I remember the big fuss over football players disrespecting the National Anthem. My grandfather fought in World War II and he used that time before sporting events on television to go take a piss and get himself another beer.

His oldest son (my uncle) kept up the military tradition by volunteering for two tours in Vietnam. He came home alive but shortly after that he suicided with his service rifle the same year I was born. That was the end of any military aspirations for my family. None of my aunts, uncles or cousins ever signed up. Nobody owned a gun. We weren’t even allowed to play with toy guns growing up.

Prognosis: Suicide. Avg age of onset: 32

Tuesday, June 1st: I think I have Akathisia. I have almost zero control of my legs. If I do force myself to walk it is painful. Not walking is painful also. I’m going to talk to my doctor tomorrow. It is direct evidence. I take a Latuda I have pain and uncontrollable muscle movements. If I don’t take a Latuda, the next day my legs are fine. Etc… Every time.

Thursday, June 3rd: My doctor is going to put me on Vrylar but it needs to be approved by insurance. I asked him it their was anything I could do to stop the pain and spasms in my legs. He said Benadryl which I thought was strange but I was willing to try anything. I took 2 and waited a couple hours. It didn’t work. I took 2 more and still nothing. 2 more and it worked. I should mention I never take Benadryl because it messes with my brain. Instead of calling the pharmacy, for some reason, I walked there. It is a mile away. When I got there they said they had nothing for me. They told me the Vrylar was waiting on approval and the other two meds I had already picked up on Tuesday. I was very confused because I had no memory of picking them up. Even though I had everything I needed at home. I have no idea why I went to the pharmacy. I walked home and had to call my doctor’s office to make an appointment. My brain wasn’t working and the Benadryl dried out my mouth and throat so I could barely talk. I could tell I wasn’t making any sense but I kept trying to explain myself. Whoever listened to that voicemail probably thought I was drunk. I called again this morning and made the appt. and told them I need prior authorization. Looks like I am staying away from the Benadryl.

Friday, June 4th: Preacher’s kid turned us on to Metallica Ride The Lightning in the church basement… After hours. We were tripping balls. He lived down there. Sixteen, had his own entrance. You had the cool kidz but then never did anything as cool as we did. I lost my virginity on prom night on someone’s grave in the cemetery across the street from the school. I didn’t rent no limo. No tuxedo. Fuck that queer shit.

Sunday, June 6th: Like fucking 3am. I don’t usually google my meds before I take them but I was curious about this one since they had to get authorization from the insurance company. I don’t read anything anecdotal. I go to the company’s website. The most common side effect is akathisia. WTF? That is why I just quit Latuda. I’m all done with this shit. Why are they doing this to me? I remember I worked outside in the summer and they gave me a med that said, stay out of direct sunlight?

Today should be a good day. I will be biking to my daughter’s house. It is going to be 90 so I better not forget the sunscreen. My skin is still peeling from last time. My state lifted all Covid restrictions so all the tourists will be out. I will be riding through the main part of the beach checking out all the pretty girls in bikinis. Dirty old man that I am.

I Have Arrived

Robot Brain

Tuesday May 25, 2021: The sun burnt my face and neck and parts of my arms and legs. I am pale so I burn easily. It was my fault. I went for a 3 hour bike ride on the warmest day of the year and didn’t wear any sunscreen. Last weekend was the first time I took my bicycle any distance. I did 15 miles on Saturday and 30 miles on Sunday. By the time realized my face was getting scorched I was still trying to push myself to my destination. I am glad I made the eventual decision to turn around. I almost didn’t make it home, my body was so sore. Especially the knee above where I broke my leg. As soon as I got home my body was back to normal and the only soreness was my toasted skin.

I was lucky I had some vinegar to spray on myself. It sounds gross but it really helps a sunburn. I found a bottle of aloe lotion and I’ve been putting that on since.

Wednesday, May 26, 2021: I dropped down to my goal weight before my goal timeline before my birthday last month. I lost 20 pounds so quickly I have loose skin all over my belly. I use 5 pound ankle weights. They are pretty bulky. I was just thinking, I lost 4 of those things. That’s a lot of fat! I can’t believe 180 was an acceptable goal weight for me. I should be trying to lose 20 more pounds. 180 is my Latuda limit. It doesn’t matter how much I exercise and diet I can’t get below that. On Zyprexa my limit was 200 pounds. I can’t believe I was happy to get down to that weight at the time. That is 40 pounds overweight. Obese.

Thursday, May 27, 2021: I’ve been having out of body experiences while exercising. I can’t go too far. Just enough to see my entire body. My mind is still connected to my brain because I can tell it to correct my form if I am not moving the right way. I have tried to do it in bed lying down and listening to the same music but it doesn’t happen. I can’t do it while I am sitting here typing. Maybe it has to do with my brain being occupied with controlling my movements. The only other time I exercise is riding my bike and I don’t dare to close my eyes while doing that. As soon as I open my eyes my mind is back in my brain.

Friday, May 28, 2021: Man, they put a lot of noise in my head when I try to figure all this shit out.

I tried quitting Latuda but that turned out to be a bad idea. I made it 3 weeks and had to start taking it again. It is still building up in my system. After kicking the Sapphris I wanted to figure out what is real or not.

I got both of my shots. It was easy. I went to Walmart both times. With all the conspiracies you think I would be scared of the vaccine instead of the medications my doctor is giving me. I had to go to the state’s website and give my info and make an appointment. By the time I got my second shot a few weeks later Walmart was taking walk ins off the street. I could have waited and gone anytime.

And another thing

Robot Brain

Wednesday: It finally broke! I slowed down a little and all those negative thoughts stopped racing through my mind. I no longer have myself in hospital style lock down. I can leave my place without thinking I’m going to do something stupid. I’m still not well functioning but I’m functioning well enough.

Thursday: I may have spoken a bit too soon. This morning I woke up feeling, Wow! I can’t remember the last time I slept so well. I don’t remember when I fell asleep, trying to fall asleep, falling asleep or even how the television got turned off in the middle of the night. I felt great. I did my normal daily routine which is very healthy. The unhealthiest part of my morning is coffee but half the studies say it is good for you. I’m not looking for any health benefits from coffee. I’m just feeding an addiction. I don’t drink a lot. I just can’t cut it out completely.

I felt so good I was confident this was going to be the first day in a long time that didn’t go downhill. Then it hit me. A panic attack. Anxiety has been my regular friend but I haven’t had a panic attack in at least a few years. Long enough for me to forget how long. But, what the hell was this? I knew immediately so even though it sucked, I knew how long it would last, all I had to do was lie down and wait it out, do some deep breathing and I would be fine.

Six hours later. My deep breathing wasn’t working out so well. My ribcage and abdomen were sore from holding my breath so tightly. I wouldn’t realize until I ran out of oxygen, breathe out and try to breathe deeply again. Again and again. This was making my anxiety worse than the panic attack that started the whole thing.

The great thing about my anxiety mind is It keeps saying, Oh no, this is the worst day ever! But my rational mind quickly stepped in and said, Well, actually… Saturday was much worse than this, remember?. My anxiety mind answers, Thanks. Thanks for reminding me that I could actually get worse. My regular anxiety can get pretty intense but I know it can’t last forever. It just feels like it will.

It’s getting dark now and I feel pretty calm. As soon as it started fading I knew what to do. I went into the kitchen and whipped up a big carb coma recipe. That was a couple hours ago and it is working. I don’t know why it works. Maybe because it pulls the blood down to my stomach, away from my brain and my lungs follow naturally to feed it with oxygen. Whatever it does, I wish I could do it sooner. Eating was not an option before then.

Friday: Be sure to tune in to your next manic episode after this brief anxiety! I don’t know what the fuck is going on. Up at 2, flying by 5, ruined the whole day. One piece of good news. I think I figured out why I’ve been calming down in the evening and still sleeping at night. I recently started taking my anti manic/psychotic in the daytime so I can get the calories it needs. I always took it at bedtime because that is what the dr. told me. But he was trying everything to slow me down at the time, I wasn’t sleeping at all. Now I’m realizing after a few hours I mellow out. Just in time too because my daughter is picking me up tomorrow and I was worried who I would be when I woke up. I can’t be babbling in her ear while she is learning to drive. I also can’t be bouncing off the walls at her house. N__ would be so pissed at me. I’m going to try taking it with breakfast and I will have a few hours for it to start working. Maybe it would be good idea to take my med before I start flipping out. Do you think?

In other news. When I’m calm I’ve been arguing with my voice. It’s been telling me, See, you don’t really have a mental illness. All these symptoms are just side effects of all the meds you’ve been taking all these years. I talked back. What about when this happened? What about when that happened. It had an answer for everything and I was starting to believe him. I was scared I would stop taking everything. Finally I got him. What about the first 28 years of my life I wasn’t medicated? Explain all of that! That got it. Now it’s easier to end the conversation. At first I would take meds, feel better, think I didn’t need them, stop taking them and end up in the hospital. Start taking them, feel better, etc… Explain that. As nice as it would be to not have a mental illness, I know what happens when I stop my meds. It’s never good. I’ve done it a thousand times.

Would have thought?

I have anxiety from thinking of a million different reasons why my anxiety suddenly got worse. The simplest explanation is my anxiety did not suddenly get worse. It’s always been horrible so could I please shut the fuck up about it?

They all tell you it’s the anxiety that makes you drink. I can handle the anxiety. It’s the pain. Oh my god, the fucking pain. I almost forgot. I really wasn’t expecting that today.

The first time I got a good therapist, she was certain I had PTSD from my childhood. I didn’t even tell her half the shit! I haven’t talked about it since. I don’t think she was right. I didn’t know. I thought everything was normal. I thought everyone grew up like that.

Lately I’ve been putting myself on a tight schedule. I don’t have to do everything at the same time every day. But in the morning I line the day up. I set start times for everything. I don’t have a set limit for finishing but starting is exact. I usually pick the beginning of an hour. Not 5 minutes before. Not 2 minutes after. I’m usually pretty good at it and if I miss I’ll usually slide down to the next round number on the clock.

Coffee and breakfast is routine when I wake up. I keep times for that. Today was lunch at noon, exercise at 1 and check the mail at 2:30. That would be after the mailman came and I could get the whole week at once because I’ve been fucking up and not setting a time for mail.

I hit lunch fine and 1 was looking pretty good. I was waiting and N___ texted me and said she would help get me to the vax if I signed up. I told her I’ve been thinking of it but I can’t figure out where to start. She told me and it was very easy. I have an appt. for my first shot on April 20. It should have been easy but by the time I was done I was slipping. It was after 1 and I could just change my time to exercise but it wasn’t looking good. That’s okay, I’ve been pretty rigid with that. Even if I’m not wanting to do it, if can get it started on the hour I can finish. It makes me feel better because I breathe as slowly and deeply as possible and hold my form and match my movement to my breath.

2:30 mail call was a joke. Perhaps I was being a bit optimistic. By that time I had myself restrained in my bedroom, totally losing my shit. That’s usually reserved for 3pm. Leaving my apartment was not a good idea. It is 7 now and I am feeling better. Comparatively. Not go downstairs and check the mail better. Now I know and that will be a first thing tomorrow objective. (Hopefully I’ve already done it today because I am scheduling this for tomorrow; Sunday)

My last therapist was always telling me to “stay in the moment.” What if the moment sucks so bad you will do anything to get out of the moment? Stay in the moment… What is that supposed to mean? She’s too young to be a hippie. Mindfulness bullshit. Even when I do a guided mindful exercise, I’m doing it to concentrate on anything but the moment. I’m doing it right now. Writing helps me focus my thoughts. Even when I’m writing about my horrible day, I’m really thinking about the writing. Back when I was “in the moment,” This would have been impossible.

Invictus

Robot Brain

Monday: I am so fucking manic! My brain is flying. I’ve been running my mouth non stop for a month. I had a revelation last night. Since I quit that medication I’ve been rehearsing talking to my doctor over and over. I’m getting myself all worked up. I want to express to him how angry I am fro prescribing that to me. Last night I realized getting all hyped up and yelling about how much better I feel since stopping the med probably wouldn’t sound very convincing. I’m still talking out loud to him but now I am catching myself whenever I get upset and starting the conversation over. I need to stick to the basics. Tell him what side effects made me quit the med. Tell him about the side effects I didn’t realize were side effects until I quit the med and they disappeared. How much better I feel now that all the side effects are gone. Done. I’ve been practicing all morning and stopping myself when I start getting faster or louder or sounding a little bit angry. I need to be as calm as possible. I guarantee he is going to say, I really wish you didn’t do that, you can’t just stop medications like that. Then he is going to try to get me to start a new medication. I will politely refuse. That’s how I hope it will go. We’ll see.

Wednesday: I got the fear yesterday. I’m afraid to tell him I stopped. He can’t force me to take it can he? I mean, if I tell him I feel a lot better since I stopped taking it will he still try to get me to take it. I don’t know what to do. I can’t just pick it up at the pharmacy and throw it in the trash. Now I have 3 hours to figure it out.


I feel much better after talking to my doctor. All month long I was thinking about how I was going to tell him everything but I stuck to the one strangest thing. Every morning I was raging out for 4 hours and couldn’t figure it out. Then I quit the med and haven’t even come close to losing my temper since. It disappeared the day after I stopped the med. I thought he was going to be against it but he said he is glad I figured it out because it was the best I’ve sounded in months. My anxiety dropped a few notches because now I can stop having the conversation out loud over and over. I’m so glad I caught myself a few days ago and didn’t yell at him. I just told him about the one thing I was surprised and happy about. I didn’t try to tell him about any other side effects. I wouldn’t have had time anyway. I only get to talk to him for 5 minutes he has so many patients.

Thursday: He said I sound much better but he didn’t know I spent the previous 3 hours preparing for a 5 minute phone call. Stopping myself every time my voice got faster or louder, every time I strayed from the main topic. By the time he called me I had it honed and ready. The call lasted about 10 minutes because he also talked. I hadn’t planned for that. Of course he was going to ask questions and have responses. The first couple times I caught myself talking over him because my pressure to speak is so intense. I’m doing it right now and I’m just sitting here alone. It goes all day. It was an exercise in restraint to just let him talk. For a couple days my paranoia was so bad I was wavering on even telling him I stopped the medication. I knew all my fears were irrational but that didn’t stop them. It came down to the moment the phone rang to decide if I was going to follow through or blow up the whole thing.

Friday: This isn’t the good kind of mania where life seems fantastic no matter how objectively shitty it may be. My life is going pretty well. I would be the main problem right now. I’m agitated, nothing moves fast enough for me. I’m trying to get everything done at the same time. It’s impossible but I’m going to try. Meanwhile I forget important things I should be doing. And my brain. Just stop with the brain already! It’s early in the day but I have to put the brakes on again. Just stop everything before I spin out of control. I’ve had myself on lockdown for the past few weeks. See my daughter if I can, get food for the week, then nothing but meds, meals and sleep. I’m still getting sleep. That’s my barometer.

Saturday: Occam’s razor

FRANKIE SAYS RELAX

Robot Brain

Tuesday: My daughter picked me up and drove me home in her car. She was so excited! In the morning her mother was in the car and they both stress each other out. I was getting nervous. Her mom would jump on her for making a mistake and it would make my daughter so nervous she couldn’t think straight and start doing the opposite of what she should do, which made her mom get more upset. It was a vicious circle. On the way home it was just her step father and I and we just let her drive and she did everything perfectly. She is going to be fine.

I lost another 5 pounds. That makes 15 since I stopped that horror show medication. That is the only change I made and I just started dropping weight. I wasn’t even exercising for 3 weeks because of the withdrawals.

Wednesday: I have 3 weeks left to lose 5 more pounds and meet my challenge. I think it will happen. I’ve been dropping weight fairly quickly since leaving that med behind.

Thursday: I completely missed a day this week. I didn’t change anything. I didn’t blackout. I remember everything I did this week. It just took me until today to realize I’ve been a day behind all week. It’s not like I would think it’s the wrong day for a second and catch myself. All week I thought I knew what day it was and I was wrong. Yesterday (Wednesday) someone told me they were picking me up tomorrow (Thursday) at noon. I went straight to my calendar to write down she was picking me up Wednesday at noon. It took until this morning to look at my calendar and wonder why she didn’t pick me up Wednesday at noon. It’s not like her to not show up and not tell me. I finally sat at my computer still trying to figure it out and Boom! It’s Thursday. I hope I don’t fuck up tomorrow, I have to pay my bills.

Best April Fool joke I know: One of the possible side effects of my anti anxiety medication is anxiety. (Not a joke)

Friday: All month long I’ve been catching myself talking angrily out loud at my doctor. I won’t actually talk to him until next week. I go through all the things I want to say because I am pissed about that medication fucking me up but I stop myself because I am only going to talk to him for 2 minutes on the phone and he isn’t going to give a shit. I have to stop wasting time and energy on this shit.

Saturday: I’ve been practicing yelling at my doctor all morning. I’m trying to give it a rest. I can’t help it. I want to ask him how many times I told him, no, I don’t want to change any of my medications. Because I know how many times. Every time I went into his fucking office. I remember because I made a point of saying it every time. It didn’t matter how messed up I was, no, I don’t want to change any of my medications. Because for the first time since they started putting me on meds I had no side effects. I wasn’t even fat anymore. I wasn’t doing great but I was doing well enough and I had no side effects. I still can’t figure out how the fuck he talked me into starting a new drug.

Road to Redemption

Sunday March 21/21: I can’t believe it! I got 8 hours of sleep last night! I hope that is the end of the 3 weeks of withdrawal from that stupid medication.

Tuesday: Gawd! Yesterday I couldn’t function. It comes and goes, but so do my regular symptoms so I don’t know which way is up! Today I am up way early but I unexpectedly fell asleep at 8pm and woke up around midnight to take the rest of my meds. 8pm is unheard of for me. I usually go to bed around 2am at the earliest if I am bored and it is always planned. We are having a string of spring temperatures and I opened the window as soon as I woke up. My cat has no idea what is going on. I haven’t slept 10 hours in 1 night since I got him 8 years ago!

I haven’t mentioned the name of the anti-psychotic I stopped taking that has given me so much trouble. That is because I know some side effects are different for each individual and I don’t want to scare anyone into stopping theirs suddenly. That is never a good idea! I did it because I have so much of it left and it starts acting in 1 day. If I had more severe symptoms I hope I would have had the wherewithal to start taking it again. The withdrawal was bad enough I would think about taking 1 just to get a 1 day break. I resisted so I wouldn’t have to start quitting from day 1 again. If anyone really wants to know what medication it is you can email me.

Last week I had a good day and put together a slide show to use for my next YouTube video. Now I have to narrate it and that is where it gets difficult for me. On my first short video I just did it on the fly but it was only 90 seconds long. On this next one I will have to talk for 5 minutes and I want to sound coherent without any uh’s and um’s. I’m not sure how to do it. I thought of typing something out but how would I know how much typing equals 5 minutes of speaking? Another problem is I don’t have much confidence in my voice. It doesn’t help I have a heavy Boston accent. I’ve been told many times I have a great voice on the phone but I’m not sure if that is a nice way of saying I’m ugly.

Wednesday: Quixotic. I’m suicidal but I treat my body like I want to live forever.

Thursday: I had a yeah! wake up this morning. I wanted to do everything even before I had my first cup of coffee. It was pouring rain and I couldn’t go outside but that didn’t bother me. Well, I could go outside but… I want to ride my bike. We had 2 nice Spring days but I didn’t feel like getting it ready. Then I really wanted to go but the weather turned.

Friday: I finally did something right! I bought my daughter “Villians” by Queens of the Stone Age on vinyl. It was funny because I just texted her yesterday saying the next thing she gets in the mail with my name on it is for her and it would probably come tomorrow. (Today) An hour later her mom texted me a picture of her holding it up looking happy. Her mom said she was pumped. I like to surprise her so I was happy.

A funnier story is I ordered her a single from Royal Blood way back at Thanksgiving. February came and she never said she got it. I emailed the company and they said they would send another copy. I waited a couple weeks and didn’t hear anything so I was like, Fuck it, I’ll just buy it again. The last time I was at her house she said something about buying the Royal Blood single and she didn’t know why she kept getting copies. In one week she received the original one I ordered back in November, the one she bought, the one the company replaced for me and the second one I bought because I was sick of waiting for her to get it! Four copies! She had so many she gave one to her boyfriend. I don’t know, I thought it was funny.

Saturday: I give my daughter shit about being a hipster for liking vinyl records. But I get it. I used to buy a new vinyl every week when I got paid at my little kid job. It’s a whole experience. It’s much more fun than listening to songs by pushing a button on your phone. It’s physical. You can pick it up and look at it. You have the artwork on the outside; more exclusive artwork on the inside if it is a double album. Maybe the lyrics are printed. Maybe there is a little booklet with pictures of your favorite band. The record player is a pretty cool piece of technology from ancient times. I never imagined vinyl would make such a comeback. I’m glad she likes it. She gets so excited when she gets an new album. She is really into it. Some bands she won’t even listen to their new songs until she gets it on vinyl. Weirdo.