Wednesday (Yesterday’s gone)

I was going to write about my latest spate of anger and depression. It’s nothing new to me to seemingly be set off by nothing but it’s becoming more frequent lately. I’m angry with myself. I’m still mourning my marriage and family. It’s been 13 years this month. I also got put on disability at the same time so my life was pretty much over all at once. No family, no job, no place to live. I know everyone gets divorced. I see my daughter regularly. It’s not like I knocked someone up and we decided to make the best of it. We wanted to get married. It took 2 years for my wife to get pregnant. I embraced the whole idea. (I’ve already had 2 Incredible Hulk experiences writing this paragraph. Getting pumped up and turning green and screaming at the screen over a typo. A fucking typo.)
I’m not much for anniversaries, so I don’t think October is setting me off. (Another outburst; I hit the “Enter” key instead of backspace. I had to do 5 more minutes of deep breathing for that one.) I tried listening to a book a couple weeks ago and it was terrible. This chick was complaining how terrible her life was and it sounded like a great life. She was “kind of home schooled”, meaning she did whatever she wanted as a kid and didn’t have a G.E.D. Despite that she got into a college on a full scholarship because she was a virtuoso on the violin. That wasn’t enough, she also got an advanced math degree (like Stephen Hawking level) and graduated with a 4.0. She said she already knew she didn’t want to use the degrees for anything so she left for Hollywood for an acting career. She stumbled into acting in t.v. commercials which I guess means she barely had to work and could stay home for two years addicted to World of Warcraft. She said it started because she was bored. She called it being “depressed.” (Just got all up in my phone’s face for daring to ring while I try to type. More breathing) When I heard the exuberance in her voice while she described, “the worst to years” of her life, she didn’t sound like it was very depressing. She said she woke up when she was 28 years old and thought if she doesn’t do something great with her life “right now” she will die a failure. WTF? She got together with some friends and made a successful YouTube series about people who sit around and play MMORPG’s for 8 hours a day. Now she gets paid to play video games on YouTube and keep up a Twitter account (with 3 million followers) and show up to SciFi and gaming conventions. Basically her wet dream of a life. I stopped listening after she said she would die a failure.
Then I read another book this week. This one was by a woman who started her career as a consultant on the hit shows Friends and ER. That led her to going to med school and eventually to a very successful practice as a therapist. She also had a successful side hustle as a journalist while all this was going on. This book was her 2nd after previously rejecting 2 offers to write other books because they weren’t really what she wanted to write about. In this book she refrains her life is half over and she hasn’t done anything worthwhile. She is also worried she is running out of time.
Both of these authors are younger than I am and here I am sitting alone in my apartment with my cat reading borrowed books about their amazing lives. Where they think they are failures? The woman who thought she was a failure at 28 years old when she already accomplished more than I could ever do. She really set me off. I could relate to the woman having a midlife crisis but she was very successful and well known and well respected everywhere she went. Meanwhile I’ve been waiting 2 days for the weather to be nice enough for me to ride my bike to get a haircut. This is what I’ve been stressing over for a week now. When will I get a chance for a haircut so I don’t look like I’ve been drunk for the past month. I’m overdue.
I calmed down after my vitriolic dressing down of my phone for daring to ring from the other room while I try to write. I finally got a few hours sleep last night after being awake for 5 days. That was my small success. I should write a self help book and be well on my way to fame. I’m halfway there with this blog dragging along an amazing 80 something followers. (Half of them want vanity follow back and the other half are bots who’s blogs are just pages of advertisements with no content.) I’ve also got a few hundred followers on Twitter in case any of you want to buy my account.
If you could see me exhaust myself with anger over the tiniest provocations, you would laugh. It is silly. It’s not the 2 books that set me off. It’s been a life long occurrence. I don’t mean to say I’m always pissed off. In fact most of the time I am pretty laid back. I’ve got 2 hours to calm down before I go for a haircut. (Wish me luck.) Due to Covid I have to schedule online. The place isn’t very busy so the computer says which place in line I am and tells me my appointment is in zero minutes. I have to make sure I am ready to go the second I hit “confirm.” No pressure for someone as organized as I am. (ha)

One Step Over The Line

Monday

Is alcohol use disorder really a thing? Can’t I just be an alcoholic? Can it be cured? I used to have cigarette use disorder and I cured myself of that. At least I think I did. Smoking hasn’t crossed my mind since I finally quit I don’t know how many years ago. Right now I am in the throes of caffeine use disorder. I can’t stop myself. In fact, since I tried to quit a couple weeks ago I have lost all control and use more caffeine than before. Is there a disorder for every addictive or habit forming drug? I better call my doctor. I have a long list of confessions to make. Fuckers.

Tuesday

I was too depressed to kill myself last night. I just lay there in bed staring at my prescription bottles but I couldn’t move to get them. I just wanted everything to stop. Then came the guilt for thinking such a thing. My uncle’s suicide fucked up the whole family for generations. Do I want to do that to everyone I know? I woke up stupid crying. Snot running out of my nose and into my coffee. I drank it anyway. You know, caffeine use disorder. Then I felt fine.

I needed a ride to the veterinarian this morning. I can’t even take care of a stupid cat by myself. I can barely take care of myself. My ex wife showed up to give me a ride and I was all smiles and jokes. I really do feel fine now. Writing this is depressing but I will forget about it in a few minutes.

I can’t figure out what makes the difference on how I feel each day. Yesterday was normal. Nothing bad happened. I wasn’t dwelling on anything depressing. I watched football which I enjoy. Even though they got rid of the fans. (80 thousand drunk people screaming is part of the game.) Then midnight comes and I want to die?

Wednesday

I opened this up this morning to write something completely different. I thought I had some insight into what happened the other night. I can’t think of it right now. I’ve been raging again since I woke up. My head is pounding, my throat hurts from screaming and I pulled a muscle in my arm. Not from lifting something heavy. It was from tensing it up so much while I flipped out. I took some Advil for the pain but this isn’t the kind of pain designed for Advil.

My therapist would try to tell me to “stay in the moment”, “take deep breaths”, “maintain your focus”, “Just be mindful.” Yeah, step on the tracks in front of a speeding train. It’s easy when it’s easy.

Thursday

Yesterday I told my case manager I think I was cured. She asked me if I was still taking my meds. I said I think that is what cured me and she said she wasn’t sure that is how it works. I asked her if taking all these medications wasn’t supposed to cure me? I told her that because I want to see how long it takes someone else to ask if I’m taking my medications. They have conversations about me and make plans that have an effect on my life.

Saturday

My therapist said the same thing when I told her I was cured. “I don’t think that’s how it works”, in a low voice. I asked her why I was taking medication for so long if it doesn’t work? They will probably tell my doctor they are worried I will stop taking my meds. I don’t care. I only have two minutes on the phone with him each time. He will ask if I am still taking them and I will say yes and he will order from the pharmacy. Seriously. I’ve been on psycho active meds for 30 years. You would think I would be good by now.

Rock Bottom

They say every alcoholic has to hit “rock bottom” before they can quit drinking. I didn’t hit mine with a bang. My experience was fairly banal. I hit bottom softly like a feather floating down to earth. Of all the stupid things I’ve done when I was drunk and wouldn’t have done if I wasn’t drunk, it was something as simple as a hangover that brought me down.

It wasn’t just one hangover; it was six hangovers in 12 days. My new thing was “control drinking.” I would pace myself through 12 beers so I wouldn’t do anything stupid. The problem with pacing myself was I never felt drunk but I did get the full 12 beer hangover the next day, all day and night.

Last spring I was just coming out of a long depression and I went on a kick. It went something like this. I would control drink 12 beers and not feel anything, spend the next day and night with the worst suicidal 12 beer hangover and the next day I would be sober until I drank again that night. I did it for almost 2 weeks.

The last night of drinking I couldn’t control my pace anymore and I got that feeling and by the end of the night I did something stupid. It wasn’t major. It was just crossing a line I wouldn’t have crossed if I wasn’t drunk. It was something simple and had no consequences but I feel dumb about it so I’m not going to write anything here. Besides, it was the hangovers that made me want to quit.

I’ve had worse hangovers. I’ve had hangovers that lasted 3 days before. I never drink that many days in 2 weeks. It was drinking every other day and hungover every other day. Finally I couldn’t take the suicidal thoughts and the fear of acting on them and the guilt that comes along with that knowing from personal experience how suicide can fuck up a family for generations.

It was a sober day and I was fighting the urge to buy more beer, remembering how awful I would feel the next day. I still wanted to drink. I’m not sure how I did it but I finally broke the cycle. I didn’t know it would be a long term thing. I’ve read that hangovers are a bad reason to quit drinking because the memory will fade and you will drink again. I’ve also read you have to do whatever it takes to stop drinking. It’s the memory of the torture I put myself through with absolutely no reward. I put myself through it mentally every time I think I want to drink.

It’s working so far. That was my rock bottom. I went out with a whimper, not a bang. I didn’t do anything stupid I would regret. I didn’t get arrested, I didn’t kill myself, obviously. I just had a hangover. Actually several, but very boring compared to other rock bottom stories I’ve heard over the years.

Maybe the memory will fade. Maybe I will trick myself into thinking it wasn’t so bad. I can think of 2 reasons I might start drinking again.The first one is stupid. I would meet a woman who wants to go for drinks. I would be too embarrassed to admit I am an alcoholic so I would lie and just say I’m not much of a drinker and just go with it. The second would be much worse. I’ve never had anyone extremely close to me die. I don’t know how I would react to it but considering my past behavior, I would probably go straight to the bottle. Maybe I wouldn’t but if something ever happened to my daughter I would definitely give up.

Incongruent

Sunday

I woke up seething with anger this morning. Good thing there was nobody here to see it except my cat. He hid under the chair until my tantrum was over. I don’t know if it is a med thing or what. I’m afraid to experiment and change the times I take them. My ex wife told me to take them at opposite times of the day but I don’t think that would be good.

I did experiment with my anxiety meds recently. I realized if I take them when I have high anxiety it is too late. It’s because they are the long acting ones and take a long time to kick in. I tried counting and found it takes 8 hours for them to start relieving my anxiety. So I started taking them as soon as I wake up in the morning hopefully before a panic attack. My doctor won’t give me fast acting bens because I have been on these for so long and he thinks I am prescribed too many already. He is the one prescribing them so…

The experiment wasn’t exactly a success but at least I know why I feel a little better after the sun goes down. Also I have a general time of day I can look to and wait for my anxiety to come under control. I always waited until the last minute before because I thought they should start working within the hour. Maybe they did a long time ago but now I have a tolerance.

Tuesday

My brother has a Twitter account. He doesn’t follow me on there. Instead he googles my account and reads it at his leisure. I go to his house once a year and I guess it’s just like a perfectly normal thing to do. Like he didn’t find out about Twitter by logging into my computer as me and investigating everything I did.

Wednesday

That may sound like a paranoid delusion as my brother tried to portray it to our mother. But after I suspected something I monitored my computer usage with the built in “windowseventviewer.” It told me that every Saturday I shut my computer off before I left at 7am to visit my daughter and every Saturday at 7:15am somebody turned on my computer and viewed webpages for 4 hours. It couldn’t have been my brother because he was “sleeping” when I left. This didn’t happen when he was 12; he was in his 40’s.

The prick’s Saturday morning routine was to “sleep” until I left the house, get up, take a shit, make some coffee, and settle down on my computer.

This happened a long time ago but I can still work myself into a rage over it. It is the biggest rumination I have left. I blame a little on myself for not completely locking down my computer but I could never imagine that happening. It’s not like I left my email open and he read it. He had to take many steps to investigate my entire life while I lived with him. He had his own computer, in his own room. I never once turned it on or even set foot in his room unless it was to talk to him.

My emails, dating site messages, interactive website I designed, my bank account (yes, he signed into my bank account), my facebook page (we weren’t facebook friends) my other facebook page by invite only ( or if he was signed in as me). That is where he fucked up. He had a few beers one night and didn’t like something I wrote so he responded on my page, as me, dropping a ton of F bombs in his long diatribe. That was at night while I was sleeping less than 3 feet away.

He didn’t only invade my privacy, he invaded the privacy of everyone who communicated with me electronically. How would you like to talk to me on a dating site and find out my brother had read all your messages? What if you were one of my pen pals?

This happened over the course of the several years while I lived with him. I paid rent so I think I at least deserved respect of my room. When I threatened to kill him, he tried to deny it but when I brought up each “coincidence” where he actually took actions triggered by what he read on my computer, he would stop bumping his gums and his jaw would hit the floor. The last thing he said was, “You know I’m nosy.” Like it was my fault, of course it was just a natural thing for him to do.

Thursday

The worst part was when I went into his room and found his little journal. In it was a letter he wrote to me and never sent. Like one of those things you do on purpose. In it he said, “I took the liberty of reading your emails.” What does that mean, “took the liberty”? It was dated a month after I moved in. So basically as soon as I got my shit together and plugged in my computer, he was on it investigating. This went on without my knowing the several YEARS I lived there.


I hope I’m not regressing. I haven’t been able to read or write more than a little at a time. I skipped posting yesterday because I had nothing. When I finally got the book I wanted to read I couldn’t read it. I used to be able to write a blog post in my head and then just type it out. Now I just stare at a blank screen. I have plenty of start up ideas but I can’t get them started. I have a feeling this may be my only post of the week.


I did it. I wrote a post and scheduled it for Sunday. I used to have at least a couple scheduled ahead of time. I get less time to function each day so I try to write and read when I can. Still couldn’t read. I guess I used up all my productivity for the day.

Friday

I had to cancel on my daughter today. I just can’t function. I hate telling her I will be there and then not going. I rarely do it but I know I will be useless all day.


I listened to the last hour of SaltFatAcidHeat by Samin Nosrat. It covers the basics of cooking in detail. It is good if you are just starting out but I knew most of the information from cooking for myself and watching the Food Network. I have another book going but I can only focus for a few pages at a time. I like it but I just can’t get going on it.

The Mediator

Saturday

Spoiler alert: If I am at the point where I think I need a meditation to calm me down, it is too late for a meditation to calm me down. I don’t know why people keep telling me to meditate. I can’t do it when it would actually be helpful. If I am wound up already it is impossible to follow. Once they get to the part of telling you to relax and focus on your breathing, I am as far away from focused as can be.

Sunday

I didn’t realize I was waking up enraged every morning. I mean screaming mad. I want to yell but I clamp down on it and it comes out as a loud “grrr!” I mean, I’m practically drooling. Scares my cat under the couch. This lasts for about half an hour unless, god forbid, I spill a few drops of coffee on the floor and it starts all over again. The simplest things send me flying off the handle. Or something more egregious like the wrong song coming on my playlist or the cat knocking over the trash bucket. “Arrgh!” I’m so loud in the morning. I wonder what the neighbors think.

Monday

I spent 20 minutes waiting for a late call from my doctor. That was 18 minutes more than I spent talking to him. I knew it would be quick so I tried to prepare what to say. I wanted to make a medication change but he doesn’t like doing that over the phone and he spent most of the call trying to end the call. “Talk to you in 2 months.”

Tuesday

I usually do pretty well in the mornings. I wake up, drink 2 coffees, cook lentils and take my meds. Normally I get a good 3 or 4 hours before my symptoms kick in. I try to get some reading and writing going before it becomes impossible and I have to wait until the middle of the night before I calm down again.

I’m lucky today. I didn’t get that initial rush of anxiety, which is good because I really need to go to the store and stock up on food. I’m almost finished with my emergency supplies. I generally have to get myself out the door before I get a chance to overthink what is coming up. I’m usually okay if I get going before any paranoia starts. I feel so good I think this might be one of those days where I make it through without a problem. But that could change like the weather.

I’m still pissed at my doctor. I told him I was having a hard time, I’m sure he could hear in my voice I was having a hard time. I told him I had been taking an extra dose of my anti-psychotic to get through the past few days. He asked me if I thought it was helping and when I said yes, he changed the subject and a short time later the phone call was finished. My whole point was to get him to increase the dosage on my med but he didn’t get it.

Wednesday

I made it to the store yesterday. I felt good from the moment I woke up. I made a schedule and I stuck to it. I got everything on my list and even a few more things. I felt so good at the store I decided to make it Rib-Eye day. I usually make a one pot meal but it’s been about a month since I had steak. I cooked it immediately after I got home and put everything away. It was a little early for dinner but it was good.


Today is a different story. I was woken up by a panic attack again. My heart is still clenched tight. I don’t know what makes the difference between days. When I went to bed I felt great. I felt great all day yesterday. No symptoms. Maybe a little anxiety but that could have been natural from going out and being around so many people. So why did I wake up frazzled? I took the same meds at the same time, bed same time, woke up same time. Totally different reaction.

I planned on returning some papers to my landlord during my couple hours of good time this morning but I didn’t get my good time this morning. I’ve been a little nervous about it because I haven’t been in the office since I started paying my rent online in January. It is simple paperwork but I can’t bring myself to fill it out. It’s been a week and I have to return it by Sept. 1st. The days are going by faster. It’s so stupid. All I have to do is check the box saying I want to renew my lease and say I’m not a full time student and list all the people who live here. (Just me) I pulled the papers out and started freaking. I couldn’t even pick up a pen. I put them back for another day. Yesterday my plan was to do it by 11am but now it is 12 and I am only able to sit here and type.

Friday

I made it to my daughter’s yesterday. Her mom and her aunt were there again. This time it was planned. I like hanging out with them. We are all pretty funny people so there were lots of laughs. We just hang on the small porch out of the sun all day and bust balls.

My daughter is at the age where she wants to rebel but she really can’t. We all like the same music, she wants to get her septum pierced and we say go ahead, do you need a ride? Her mom already does everything that could get a kid into trouble. There isn’t much she could do that I haven’t done. She’s really into getting pierced. Everything but her ears. Her mom says she has to wait until she’s 18 to do more than her nose. She’s interested in gauging so hopefully she doesn’t put any holes in her head she will regret later in life. At this point her best chance at being a rebel is going totally straight edge.

She is into baking and the two of us spent some time in the kitchen. She made chocolate chip cookie, cheesecake freezer bars. Yummo! Then I don’t know what happened. Something flipped the switch and shut my brain off. I was no longer in on the jokes and couldn’t keep up my end of the conversation. I went quiet. Luckily it was around the time of day I usually head home but it sucked because I had so much fun I was planning on staying late.


I pass 2 state sponsored package stores on my ride home from my daughter’s house. Also in my state they are allowed to sell soft drinks (beer and wine) at any convenience or grocery store. Leaving my daughter’s house where I feel like part of the family and then being alone is a trigger for me to drink. That, plus the drop in my mood. I wasn’t close to drinking but I thought about it with every store I passed. Alcohol is so ubiquitous.


Speaking of drinking, I follow a sobriety blog I found accidentally. They post stories, poems and thoughts of people who quit or are trying to quit drinking. Yesterday the title was “2 days sober.” I just couldn’t relate. Two days for me is when I have a really bad hangover and can’t even think about drinking. I’m not sober until the 3rd day. I’ve never been a daily drinker. It’s not until about 7 to 9 days sober that I start thinking hard about buying some more alcohol. I can go that long without thinking of drinking. I’m still dependent which I never thought could happen with my style of drinking.

If you’ve ever been to an AA meeting you have heard them say you have to pray twice a day for god to relieve your obsession with alcohol. Then everyone who speaks there knows exactly how many days since their last drink. That seems a little obsessive to me. It hasn’t been too long for me but I don’t know the exact number of days. I could count it if I wanted. I remember the date I was last drunk. It’s easy because it was the month of my birthday. I don’t know how the 8th stuck in my head because I’m usually bad with numbers. I can hardly think how many months it’s been. When I try I always think it’s one month more than it’s been and then I have to look at the calendar.

I hope I can keep my streak alive. I’ve gone longer without drinking but I’ve never tried to quit for life like I’m trying now. I know I could break and get drunk any day. I’ve come close a couple times. If I do I can imagine how it would go. I would meet a woman who likes to drink and I would lie and say I’m not much of a drinker and have just a couple with her. Then I would be off to the races because I can never stop at “just a couple drinks.”

Wake Up!

Monday

“Just stay in the moment, ” They say. “What if the moment sucks?” I ask. I don’t know what happened to yesterday. I woke up and made some coffee like normal. I turned on the music to get the morning noise out of my head. I didn’t last one song. I turned it off and sat there. That was too much for me. I tried the t.v. I didn’t make it until the first commercial break. I turned it off and sat there. It was too much. Okay, I could try reading. That was a joke. I picked up the book and put it down before I read one word. I sat there. I couldn’t take it. I tried my computer. Too much bad news. Even the joke tellers gave up telling jokes. I went back to bed to like down. That lasted two minutes and I was back up. I don’t know how many times I repeated this cycle throughout the day. To no avail.

“Agitation” was the word of the day. I just looked it up. The definition fits perfectly.

Tuesday

It happened again! I thought if I made myself leave the house without thinking about it I could get my hair cut. It went okay. I almost forgot my mask. She was almost done and I started hearing things and got the paranoia. I just wanted to get out of there. I forgot how to use my debit card. I just stood there while the machine beeped at me to remove my card. I rushed home.

Again, I couldn’t sit, stand or lie down. I definitely wasn’t going outside again. I got desperate late in the night and tried a guided meditation on YouTube. I checked the timer; I didn’t even make it 2 minutes!

I’ve been having about 4 good hours in the mornings and then my day goes to shit. I can’t function.

Wednesday

I was thinking of not having coffee but it never bothered me before and I only drink 2 regular cups. I’m going to have to shift my schedule so I can do things after midnight again. That has been the best time for me lately. I even read a couple chapters. Could not sit still yesterday until night.

Thursday

Last Friday I got a phone call from a number I didn’t recognize. Then I got a text that said, Hey this is J give me a call. I hadn’t seen her since she just disappeared over a year ago. She told me she had been in California. She asked if she could come over later. About 7pm I got a text that said be there soon. I waited and she never showed. I wasn’t worried. That is normal for her. But I didn’t think she would do it the first night.

She texted me again yesterday. Same thing. I knew she wouldn’t be here early. She is a late night person. So I took a shower and turned on the tv to wait. I was right. She showed up after midnight. J is schizophrenic like me. I don’t know how I find them. I don’t advertise for it. It’s just synchronicity.

Unlike me, I don’t think J takes her meds. When she got here she said she hadn’t slept in 3 days. On the phone she had told me about a carpet beetle problem she had at her place. When she came out of the bathroom she said I had them too. Then she got in my room and was searching the floor. She kept telling me she saw them. Apparently they are so small and move so slowly that only she can see them.

The only insects I have seen in my apartment are spiders. I tried to ignore her but she kept spotting more. (I could still see nothing) I was starting to get itchy from all the talk. She stayed for a couple hours and then told me she was going home to throw away her bed and everything so she could finally get some sleep. She had bought an air mattress. She told me they don’t bite but she has sensitive skin. She told me to look at her arm but I couldn’t see anything.

It is always something with her. But she had me creeped out. After she left I pulled the lamp down close to the floor but I still couldn’t see anything moving. I hope she doesn’t rip up her carpet because she lives in an apartment and would have to pay for that shit.

Saturday

2am wrap up. I made it to my daughter’s in the morning. I wore myself out and now I feel more relaxed than I have all week. I can barely think. I had to get out of the house early before my brain could change it’s mind.

I don’t know what I am going to do in the morning. I have to get some food pretty soon. I can think of ten reasons I won’t do that tomorrow. My brain is slogged. I can imagine what my body will feel like when I wake up.

What a crappy week. Now my friend has me thinking there are insects crawling around my place when I know they aren’t. I wonder if she got any sleep. She had it really bad. She was seeing those things everywhere.

Uneventful, I hope

Saturday

Yesterday I biked 25 miles round trip to see my daughter. It was 85 degrees and humid. I liked it. I love to sweat. It’s also good for my right leg which is smaller than my left since I got into a bad accident a few years ago. I broke both bones right below my knee. They put 8 pins in it and I can feel them when I put pressure. I also wrenched my knee. I did all the rehabilitation myself. That was the least of my problems. They were going to drill a hole in my skull to relieve the pressure on my brain. I had double vision for a long time. That cleared up but I still can’t see to my left side. When I want to take a left turn on my bicycle I have to stop and turn my head all the way around.

Some people give me shit about not seeing my daughter enough. I bet they wouldn’t do what I do. When I was driving we had an agreement I could visit once a week. Now in the summer I can go any time during the week, as many times as I want. I get along well with my ex-wife and she wants me to see my daughter as much as possible. It has still only been once a week so far this summer due to so much rain and I have to take days to get food also.

Sunday

I follow a blog about abstaining from drinking. I didn’t get the whole month but I started following “Dry July” with them. It’s where you don’t drink for the month of July. They posted facts about alcohol, people’s sobriety stories, poems, etc… Then on July 29th they disappeared. It was weird. Maybe they ran out of material? Now they are back on August 2nd. It’s not like I started drinking again. Just strange.


Trying to decide if I can write a review on Patti Smith’s book, “Just Kids”, since I tried but could only get half way through it. I think that was enough to inform an opinion.


I don’t think I’ll be doing anything constructive today. I’ve only had a 20 minute nap in the past 24 hours. My anxiety is pretty intense. I only got halfway through a guided sleep meditation on YouTube. It made me focus on how I can’t breathe through my diaphragm today. I can only take short, shallow breaths into the tops of my lungs. Concentrating on this causes more anxiety and general tightness throughout my torso.

Monday

I finally got some sleep. About 4 hours, so I feel much better today. I find myself thinking I should go off my meds so I can get that great feeling of hypo-mania or mania. They took all of that away from me and left me with only long bouts of depression. Now the only part of mania I get is the lack of sleep. 24 hour days are pretty long when you stay awake the whole time.


I just wrote half a review of a book I could only get halfway through. It was a good book, I just had a personal problem. I’m trying to find new books to read but my library apps don’t have the greatest selection. I’m skimming a book now that I don’t think I will say anything about unless I run out of stories to post.

Tuesday

I love having sex in the afternoon. All of those feel good chemicals stay in my brain until I fall asleep at night. I slept deeper than usual and some of it has held on until today. It’s much better than anything my doctor can give me. It really relaxes my brain and even thwarts my voices. I wish my doctor could write a prescription for sex and I would just go to the sex store toget it filled.

These two girls are sharing me because it is safer than bringing another man into the mix. Since they know I’m not sleeping with anyone else, we are a self contained unit. It works out for all of us, I just wish it happened more often. I’m home all the time and we are in the middle of a pandemic so I can only wish to meet someone else.


I just finished another book to fill my mind with useful and useless facts about trees. I thought I would have a harder time reading on a tablet but I like it quite a bit. The pages never stick together and it has a built in dictionary. That helps me because I am too lazy to stop reading and open my dictionary app. I have forgotten a lot of words since I was unable to read for a couple years. I’m so happy it just came back to me.

Wednesday

I forced myself to go to the store today because I was running out of food. Thinking about it in the morning sucked. It was easier because I had a phone call in the afternoon and if I just get up and leave without thinking, I can do it. Walking there sucked. The wind in the trees and the sound of car tires on the road turned into voices talking to me. On the way home wasn’t bad. I was concentrating on my leg muscles and the weight on my back.

Thursday

Woke myself upwitha fucking panic attack. I was already overbreathing and heart attack. I got the most selleep I got all week I don’t know why. Thought I wasn’t gong to see my daughter because if it an that made it workse. It ‘s already lasting for more than an hour and a hslf. I used to have a contrarian nurse practionaer he was half my age I described my panic atttacks to him and all he said was “panic attacks don’t last that long” that’s it no advice. He was a cocksucker. alll he ddid was disagree with me. Iv’e been doing this since he was in grade school. I got rid of him.

Friday

It may not be real; but I still hear it.


I don’t remember much about yesterday. My whole body hurt when I woke up. I had to pedal into some fierce winds and it took all my energy to make it home. My daughter was great. We spent the day on the porch with her 4 dogs. Yes, 4.

Exercise gets the feel good chemicals going too but mostly endorphins. They break down quickly and the pain comes back.

Saturday

Even though in the past 48 hours I’ve gone from feeling good to feeling depressed to feeling nothing at all; It seems like however I feel at the moment is how I’ve always felt and is how I will always feel. I know life is transient but everything feels like forever.

A Brief Stint

Saturday

I did something bad my one night back on a dating site. Something I never do. I lied about what I do for work. Not to everyone. Just 3 women in particular. Some background. I don’t send messages to just anyone. I have to pick my spots. I have to guess who might be receptive. Knowing most of the time I’m just going to be ignored. Part of that is because in no way do I indicate I’m taking the dating app seriously. When I do send a message I don’t send the same cheesy line to everyone. I usually try to think of a funny question that can’t be answered with a simple yes or no.

I lied on impulse because of something that has happened to me countless times. After I took some time to to write something that would elicit a reply, 3 women answered in the exact same way. “What do you do for a living?” (How much money do you have?) Not “Hi”, Not “haha”, Not even a simple, “lol.” No niceties. Just an immediate, “What do you do for a living?” Excuse me, that is so fucking rude. At least I put in a modicum of effort. I would rather be ignored. I thought, if that is all they care about I am going to see what happens. Instead of saying I’m on disability, I said I do tech support from home. Usually telling a woman I’m on disability is a conversation killer. I can understand but they don’t have to be so fucking rude about it. A long time ago I had a woman tell me I was wasting everyone’s time. Not just her time, everyone’s time. Just for existing.

I’d like to say I was surprised, but what a reception I got after I lied and they thought I made good money. Never before had any of the “What do you do for a living?” people ever shown so much interest in me. Suddenly they wanted to know everything about me. I don’t blame them if I said I was looking for a serious relationship and wanted to wine and dine them and meet their family and all that bullshit. I’m just looking for someone I can spend a little time with, I don’t want to meet their kids and be their step-dad. And I don’t want anyone meeting my daughter.

Those 3 were the longest conversations I had that night. But then I ghosted them. What was I going to do? I wasn’t going to catfish them and meet under false pretenses. It reminded me of everything I hate about dating sites and why I spend so little time on them. The second day I didn’t even sign in. The third day I logged in only to delete my account and that was it. Done.


Sunday

I almost started a fight yesterday, which is very uncharacteristic for me. I was already in a mood as I had to force myself to leave the house to walk to the grocery store. It was a perfect day for a walk but I couldn’t stop cursing out loud to myself as I went down the street.

I was crossing the road and a car came up behind me and hit the horn because he couldn’t wait 2 seconds to get into the cigarette/beer store. I don’t know where he learned to drive but I was going straight and he was turning so I had the right of way. That was no excuse for what happened next, again, I never do this kind of thing.

I spun around and gave him the finger and shouted, “Fuck you!”. He stopped the car, rolled down the window and started to say something. I yelled back, “I will fucking destroy you!” Again he was about to shout back and I went off again, “Step out of the car if you feel like fucking dying today!” He rolled up the window and drove away.

I walked the rest of the way reliving the moment and still swearing to myself. It was a good thing I was wearing a mask at the store because nobody could see me cursing them. People walking the wrong way down clearly marked aisles; wandering in my way. Others who couldn’t figure out the correct way to wear a mask. Either their nose or their mouth was exposed or sometimes both. Idiots!

As I was almost home I was still in a rage and I had decided to drink it away; turn all that anger inward and hate myself the whole next day. Because that is something I do. I get angry and drink to punish other people.

After I got home and put my food away, I felt safer and I started laughing at myself. What was I doing? I wanted to seriously hurt someone only because they beeped their horn at me. I was ready to ruin my entire weekend by getting drunk and deathly hungover or worse spend the night in jail with charges pending.

How silly was I to snap like that? I have a wicked temper but it is usually reserved for people who try to hurt me purposefully. I was ready to kill over a minor transgression I normally would let slide without thinking about. It was just the perfect storm.

Monday

It was my therapist’s idea to lie on the dating site. She didn’t specifically say that but whenever I told her I was having trouble, she told me not to say I was on disability. But when I asked her what I should say she never had a good answer.


I’m sick of people asking me if I’m drinking when something happens. Drinking is the cure not the cause.

Tuesday

I reached out to my case manager yesterday. I told her about not sleeping, not being able to sit still for 2 seconds and threatening to kill some strangers. Her response was, “Are you taking your meds? Have you been drinking?” I told her yes on the meds and no on the drinking. The next thing she said was don’t hesitate to get in touch if I need it. I thought that was what I was doing. I don’t blame her, she’s not a medical professional. She did offer to contact my doctor to see if I needed any changes. I said no, I’m already taking 50 meds, I don’t want any more. I don’t really take 50 meds, but I do take a lot. Every time someone suggests changing my meds I say no. It has taken me years to find the right combo to help me with my symptoms without any major side effects.

Thursday

I woke myself up crying this morning. Made some coffee, it didn’t help. I forced myself to pull it together and go to the store next door. I got a 10am meatball calzone to stuff in my fat face. The carbs and the fat didn’t help. I fell into bed and sounded like the cowardly lion. Then I started hyperventilating. I had to get up and made 2 more cups of coffee. I didn’t really want food and caffeine. I want something real to take away the pain.

I think I skipped my night meds too many times in the past couple weeks. I couldn’t help it, I kept falling asleep at unexpected times. I think it’s why I’ve been doing things on impulse I don’t usually do. Going on the dating site was more embarrassing than getting in a fight. I have so many strikes on a dating site, I’ve been thrown out of the game. Especially at my age where you are expected to be completely serious. I have nothing to bring to a relationship. That is why I’m not trying to get into one.

I put on a YouTube meditation for anxiety. I didn’t really do what they told me. I couldn’t breath deeply when they said. But listening in the background is good. The first one was an hour and now I am in hour 2 of the 2nd one. This one is a 3 hour meditation. I won’t listen that long. It’s a 6 part one but the first one is for deep sleep. How are you supposed to listen to the next 5 if you just put yourself to sleep? It only took me until 1:30 to calm down.

Saturday

I’ve been going since 6am today/yesterday. I hate waking up before I can do anything. I”m trying to get my schedule back but I keep losing it. I can’t figure out why I’m tired one night and wide awake the next.

I biked to see my daughter today. She is doing fine. I get all worried about nothing.

Her mom and her friends were there this afternoon. I can’t understand how they can drink 2 glasses of wine and then just stop. If it was me the bottle would be finished and on to the next one. I wasn’t really bothered. I”m just curious what makes the difference.

I should have tired myself out with all the exercise I got but it’s 2am and I’m wide awake. My brain won’t slow down.