Orange You Glad I Didn’t Say Banana?

Wanna hear something kinda weird, then something really weird? Of course you do. About 5 years ago I went strictly vegan for about a year. Well, Not exactly. Only when I was at home. When I go out I eat whatever I want. I don’t run around telling people meat is murder. Last Monday my daughter asked me where I want to go and I said, 5 Guys, I want a big, greasy double cheeseburger! I’m not super health conscious. The worst physical problem I’ve had is when Zyprexa almost gave me diabetes. I was pretty huge then. That’s why I did it. Since I’ve been on medications I’ve always been overweight. Nothing worked. Each medication had it’s own weight range and that was it. When I switched to mostly vegetables. I dropped right down to something reasonable so I kept at it. None of this really matters. It’s just for context.

I won’t eat beets, but pretty much anything else in the produce department I will chow down. So there is no reason for me to pick anything special. The most research I did was how much protein do I really need, fiber, vitamins, calories etc…

For the last month every time I walked past the bunches of fresh spinach I wanted to buy some. I don’t know why. I like it but what was so appetizing about a bunch of dirty looking leaves? I don’t have any meals to use it. Every week. Same thing. I want to buy it. I don’t. Last week I picked one up, put it down, picked it back up and put it in my cart. Still don’t know what to fucking do with it. All week, every time I opened the fridge, I wondered why the hell did I buy that? But I wanna eat it. What am I gonna do? Finally I said I know what I’m gonna do. I pulled it out, chopped off the stems and threw the whole thing into my makeshift steamer. Ten minutes later I finished off a huge plate off cooked spinach. That’s it. Little bit of salt. I fucking loved it!

Last night I was sitting around kinda bored, a little bit of anxiety. Not too bad. Eating a couple crackers. I don’t know why it popped into my head but I thought, why do they call it “comfort food?” Does it make you comfortable? Does it taste so good it just makes you feel better? On cooking shows they always talk about a big plate of mac n cheese is comfort food. Is it pasta? Cheese? Carbohydrates? I don’t know. I’m sitting at the computer, I’ll google it. If I type in comfort food I’ll probably get a bunch of pictures of mac n cheese. I typed in, “calming foods.” Guess what came up? I know, I ruined it. Spinach! Got anxiety? Eat spinach. It has a ton of magnesium in it. Really? I think the thought of eating spinach makes most people anxious. That’s kinda weird part. I knew some food are good for this, some good for that. I was getting interested.

I was going to search, “brain food” but I figured fish would come up. I know Omega 3 fats are good for the brain and I recently learned that people in countries where they eat a lot of fish have a much lower rate of bipolar disorder. That was a happy accident, I recently started taking fish oil capsules because it is hard to get Omega 3 fats from plants. I only found the bipolar thing when I was looking to see how many milligrams I was supposed to take. (Sidetracked) I typed in, “foods good for the brain.” Guess what came up? (This one’s not so easy.) Everything in my fucking grocery cart! Not everything, but 10 or 12 very specific foods and I eat more than half of them. In large quantities. It said these foods boost your dopamine, endorphin and serotonin levels. ??? That’s the really weird part. I didn’t start out eating all these foods. This is 5 years later.

Asparagus was at the top of the list. Okay, that has always been my favorite vegetable. I fucking love it. But do I 3 big bundles a week, every week for years fucking love it? Apparently so. Same thing. I steam the whole bundle and fork it down. A little bit of salt. I don’t think a family of four would eat that much.

Apples and Oranges were up there. I guess I like apples but I could do without them. (I thought) I started buying them last winter because I noticed they were 3 bucks for a big bag and they were local. Same with the oranges. Not local but 99 cents a pound. Like a limp dick. Can’t beat it. I guess I’m eating apples and oranges now. A few months ago I noticed I would wake up, make coffee, (of course) throw some lentils on the stove. (Wait a minute. Lentils? Anyone here like lentils? For breakfast, with a little bit of soy sauce and sriracha? I’ve been eating them almost every day for 5 years. Am I thinking, oh god, lentils again? Oh no. I’m wishing they didn’t take so damn long to cook. They’re on the list.) Oh yeah, what? Apples and Oranges. Drinking my first cup of coffee and I’m dying to get to them. I get so happy!

Chili peppers. Way up there. I’ve always like spicy foods. But who the fuck cooks a regular pasta dish with broccoli, garlic, basil, oregano, and says, You know what would make this a lot better? Jalapenos and Sriracha! I’ve never heard of it before, but it is soooo good! I look forward to cooking that every week. Add in the big pot of chili and I’m eating chili peppers almost every day. Chili with beans. I eat an assload of beans. (pun intended) Beans? On the list.

Dark chocolate. That’s a good one. I gave up candy for the most part years ago because I have bad teeth. The store I go to has their own brand of chocolate bars. I thought I was buying them because they are only 50 cents a piece. I like each kind so why do I only buy the dark chocolate? Every week?

Oh yeah. I was doing the same thing with cauliflower. I wanted it but I couldn’t remember how I used to eat it. I still wanted to buy it every week. But I remembered. I was making a lot of soups and got tired of it. Fuck it, buying it anyway. Yesterday, the fridge was almost empty. I spotted it on the bottom shelf and I was pumped. I forgot I bought it. Oh yeah, I didn’t have to think about that one. Chop, chop. In the steamer. Whole head of cauliflower. Gone. Cauliflower? You know it.

I didn’t do any of this on purpose. Well, I did. I don’t eat anything I don’t like. I’m not depriving myself. I’m not sitting here thinking, man, I wish I didn’t have to eat this crappy spinach. I was excited. I eat meat when I want. Last week I wanted steak so I went right down and bought the thickest Rib-Eye they had. Brought it home, cooked it up and scarfed it down. All of it. Big pieces of fat, gristle, nothing left on the plate. I don’t worry, oh no, I went off my diet.

It’s easy for me. I have always liked vegetables. I was the best fed kid in the house. The other kids gave theirs to me. Then I went to the pan to see if there were any more.

My mind is blown though. I wasn’t looking on some alternative lifestyle holistic website. I read it on Harvard Health. I don’t eat all the foods on the list. I don’t like fish. I would eat walnuts but they are too expensive and I eat them all in one sitting.

I probably lost everyone in the first paragraph when I wrote “vegan”.