Miscreant

I accidentally posted the story that goes with this yesterday. (Friday)

Monday: I bought two bottles of Merlot Saturday night. Not to be classy; because it has more alcohol than white wine. It didn’t have anything to do with Valentine’s Day. I knew it would stop the voices in my head telling me to kill myself. A little background on Saturday. I woke up very early so I would have time to get in shape to see my daughter. When I finally texted her I was coming over soon she texted back asking if we could skip this week. Her not wanting to see me turned my head upside down but it’s not why I was suicidal. In a few weeks is the anniversary of when my mother in law died. That story is a whole different traumatic blog post if I choose to write about it. The crux of the story is it was gruesome and we both found her body and I still blame myself for her death. Every once in a while I start reliving the day over and over and I can’t stop crying and I hear command voices. I also feel like I deserve to die because I feel responsible. It started in the afternoon. I started thinking about it and picturing everything we saw that day and putting together what happened to her. I can’t stop myself from going over and over it in my mind.

The funny thing was, I gave myself until 9pm for it to stop and if it didn’t then I was going to get drunk. That would stop it temporarily but I knew it would come back worse Sunday morning with a hangover on top of it. I didn’t care, I just wanted a break from it. It is horrible. I only made it until 8pm before I bundled up (12 degrees) and trudged to the store next door. By the time I got there the inside of my mask was filled with crying snot. I couldn’t stop. I pulled the mask up right under my eyes to hide it and bought the bottles of wine as quickly as I could. I must have looked a mess. That was the funny part. I was planning on killing myself but I was still trying to avoid drinking. Like my almost 1 year streak of being sober was important if I was dead. It didn’t help that my doctor had changed my dosages and the pharmacy filled both of them anyway. So I have 12 months worth of deadly pills I have no use for except to suicide.

I was right. The next day was worse but all I could do was lie in bed crying and thinking about it. I wasn’t hearing anymore voices though. I waited a couple hours for the alcohol to get out of my system and took my night meds and slept through the afternoon. When I woke up again I was able to feed myself and I felt a little better (relatively) It’s been 16 years since she died and I still have this guilt. I can’t let it go.

My cat knows when I am feeling bad. Saturday night and Sunday he was right up next to me in the meatloaf position. He wouldn’t leave my side. He followed me from room to room and stayed as close as possible. I rewarded him by over petting him until he started purring. He rarely purrs. I gave him some treats. Today he knows I am doing better so he has been ignoring me as usual. I do feel better today. I still have the sadness and there is a pain in my chest.

I wanted to tell N__ about it but she isn’t responsible for me anymore. I also didn’t want to ruin her day. She still has it like I do but worse. It is her mom.

It’s later at night now. I feel like Saturday again. I can’t get drunk again. It would just be an endless cycle. I have to do this until it runs it’s course. My torso is hurting. It is tight I can’t draw a breath. G just texted, how am I doing? I can’t answer. We have never had a serious conversation since I’ve known her. I don’t think I want to start by telling her I want to die. It’s the first time I’ve heard from her since Friday. Today I have been thinking I have nobody to contact and now the last person I want to contact, contacts me. Do I ghost her completely? I can’t do a fake convo tonight with anyone. It’s taking all my effort to write this. I sit and think and write and sit and think and write. I made a green tea with ginger because it is such a shock to the system. So hot and astringent. Takes my mind off things for a second with each sip.Then I will chew the ginger. My cat is getting payback. He crawled under my arm for an hour and still didn’t move when I got up. He is still in the same position when I go in there.

Wednesday

I think I’m going to write about it but probably not today. Probably Thursday. (tomorrow)

Friday

I couldn’t write about my mother in law yesterday. I wrote and published the story today. It doesn’t matter if anyone sees it. It was for me to sort things out in my head.

Saturday

I am going to see my daughter tomorrow. I will have to wake up very early so I can get my head right before I deal with an Uber driver and so I don’t act like a freak at her house. I don’t mind getting up early. I don’t need much sleep. I function very well after 4 hours. I try to go to bed earlier to get more sleep before I see my daughter. I have a lot of anger I need to get out of my system before I can deal. I mostly do it by growl/screaming. I don’t go around punching holes in the walls but sometimes I want to do that. I need to get my adrenaline up to a high level and then crash and it usually calms me down.

I’m excited about seeing her. It has been a few weeks. She has her first real boyfriend and I need to step back and let her enjoy it. I remember I didn’t want my mom around with my girlfriends when I was my daughter’s age.

I uploaded my first video ever to YouTube. It is just a one minute meditation with my cat. I used a free video maker app from the windows store and another app to make the music. I did a voice over but I don’t like the sound of my voice so I got quiet in the second half. I’m not cross posting here but you could probably find it with one search phrase.

What a week it has been. I am feeling better today. I am not reliving the whole horrific scene anymore. I just have flashes. They go away quickly. I had such a hard time because it hasn’t happened for a long while and I wasn’t expecting it. I did answer my friend’s text. I didn’t tell her I was having a bad time because she is basically a stranger. I repeated, Hey, how are you. She said she had been very busy since Saturday. I said, Oh yeah and I haven’t heard from her since. I don’t think it was a good idea to hook up close to Valentine’s Day with someone who just broke up with her boyfriend but I didn’t realize the day was so close.

I follow a lot of journal style posts so I hope to read that everyone’s week was better than mine!