Explicit Lyrics

Sunday

I was on the formal dating site for about an hour today for the first time since last summer. I read a few profiles and replied to three. I got one answer. She lives about ten minutes away. I told her my pictures were out of date and I haven’t shaved since Halloween. She asked me my feelings on manscaping so I went with it and said it makes a difference if someone is going to be near you. She pulled the COVID response and said she hasn’t had to shave her legs in six months! I wanted to write back bullshit, nobody is on a dating site hitting up strangers on Sunday afternoon because they want to get to know you very well online for the next twelve months. But I left it alone and came on here to write instead.

I wanted to get drunk last night. I wasn’t planning on starting small and working my way up. I already pictured buying enough alcohol so I could drink all night. It started at my daughter’s house. It happened early for me. Being there in a house full of people and knowing I will come home to my cat. It’s an old trigger for me but it usually doesn’t happen until I’m home. I haven’t had it that strong in a long time. I was at her house using the thought of drinking for relief from how bad I felt.

While I was home talking myself out of it I got saved by a text asking if I was home and did I want her to come over. I was like, Hell yeah! To myself and said yes! I don’t know why I was online today. I’ve been pretty whack all month. Maybe it’s the Novembeard. It itches like hell!

Monday

I’m diagnosed with “alcohol use disorder” but I’m not being treated for it. Nobody is going to ask me how I’m going to cope with a four day holiday sitting home alone. I could go on a four day rolling drunk and nobody would know about it but me. I could have done that at any time. All these months rarely seeing another person. WTF?

I’m glad I was only on the dating site for an hour. It was pretty funny seeing a lot of the same people still on there since the last time I was, six months ago. They are chronic chatters. They only want to talk through the dating app because they all have it on their phones. They don’t want to give their number and forget about meeting them. I’m all for meeting someone right off. You can tell if you like someone five minutes into a cup of coffee. It doesn’t matter what you said to each other online before you met. The more you talk online the bigger image you have built up of the other person and it never matches reality. Just meet for coffee and if you are still there talking to each other after the XL coffee is gone then you know you like each other.

Tuesday

If a woman from a dating site does give me her number, I usually get the hypertexters. From good morning to good night. They want to text all the time but only when they are with their kids and therefore unavailable. They get a babysitter and go out partying, I don’t hear my phone beep once.


My favorite is my therapist; she is always telling me, don’t hesitate to call if something comes up before we meet again. The only problem is that after 5 years I still only have her office phone number which always goes to voicemail. I called her once when I was freaking out and suicidal. She mentioned it a few weeks later. I can understand not giving out her personal number. I don’t expect that but maybe a generic email address might help? She emails people all the time while I’m sitting with her.

Wednesday

Heading into the 4 day weekend without my anxiety meds because someone screwed up the appointment and I didn’t realize I was out of refills. I called yesterday when I found out but I had to talk to a machine and they wanted a lot of info left in the voicemail. I couldn’t remember any of it but at least I gave my name and phone number. It said give them 24-48 hours to get to it. What are the chances it will be ready on the short day before a holiday weekend?

Kl and alcohol are the only substances that can kill you if you suddenly STOP taking them. You can have a seizure and die. They both work on the same area of the brain. That is why they give you bens when you are going through alcohol withdrawal. What is a person diagnosed with “alcohol use disorder” going to do when he runs out of bens? Who am I going to call about that one? Still no one has said a word about if I am going to drink anyway just because it is a traditional drinking holiday. Fucking cunts! They don’t give a fuck, they just want to get home to their families. It only takes a click of the mouse for my Dr. to refill me but I don’t think anyone will listen to the voicemail until Monday. Whatever.

They all got together as a team to diagnose me with “alcohol use disorder” but not one of them has mentioned it until the day my therapist let it slip to me in a casual conversation. It was the first I had heard of it. Totally ruins any chance I could have of returning to a somewhat normal life. I would even get rejected for hire at Walmart because all they have to do is turn on the computer and read that I am an alcoholic. If they did by some chance hire me, guess who would be put on the frequent “random” piss test list?

Fuckers! Maybe I’ll figure out where to buy some junk and start using that again. Would I get another diagnosis? “junk use disorder?” I never think about drinking when I am high on the junk.

It’s only Wednesday! I’m not telling my therapist anything again. I’ve been telling her I cured myself of “schizo-affective disorder” for the past month. What does that mean in the current terminology? I’m addicted to “schizos?”

Friday

Relax… I skipped yesterday because I didn’t feel like writing on holiday. I didn’t get drunk after all that talking. I did want some “nostalgia” beers. I wanted that good feeling of starting to drink without all that comes with it. I can’t do that like a normal person so I put it out of my head.

I did spend the day alone. It was relaxing. I ate some snacks during the day and later I cooked a big rib eye steak with asparagus and seasoned rice I make from a package. The rice is the best. You tear it open, put it in the microwave for 90 seconds and like magic… Boom! Tasty rice!

Saturday

I went back on the dating site yesterday. It’s POF if you must know. I’ve never used the phone app but you can do some pretty stalker-ish things if you have it on your desktop like I do. For instance, you can hide your profile and just “lurk”, which is what I did most of the day. I did send some messages to women I didn’t want to miss but it didn’t matter they went unread. At night I said fuck it and went full on act like I’m a full fledged member of the site on Friday night. Still very few answers. Which bugged me because I don’t send many messages and when I do they are one timers. I don’t have something I send out to every woman I see. It doesn’t matter; with the effort I put in to crafting a message, I probably receive as many replies as a good looking guy who says the ubiquitous “Hey…” I see so many complaints about.

I did manage to get blocked once. I sent a message to a woman that said, “Oh no, you cut your hair into bangs, I hope everything is okay!” That one got a response right away! She wanted to know what I meant. Apparently she had never heard the running joke about women cutting their bangs after a bad breakup or when they are depressed, etc… I told her I liked her hair. (I did even though I don’t normally like bangs) And told her I wasn’t trying to make fun of her. She blocked me.

Now I have 2 women expecting me to go back onto the site this morning and talk to them and one other woman texted me “Good morning” before I had a chance to wake up and have a good morning. I didn’t drink but I feel like I’ve been up all night drinking like I used to do on nights I spent on there. WTF? I don’t know if I can do the follow through. I’m not looking for a relationship and I never told anyone I was serious about looking. I don’t feel like explaining myself. Besides, I’ve already hidden my profile and signed out for hopefully another 6 months.

If you are going to use a dating site, I would use POF. It is free except to see who liked you which only means they swiped on your pic. You can also pay to see if someone has read your message. (stalker!) Everything else is free and from what I’ve been told you will see all the same people you see on paid sites. So why buy the cow? Right?

Electability

Sunday

I texted my mom yesterday and told her nothing was going to happen. She said okay and put the television on mute and made breakfast. They immediately called the election! She is a political junkie and a die hard Democrat. She missed the whole thing; She was waiting 5 days!

I was surprised as hell. The released the smallest traunch of results they had all week and called it directly after. They had just explained why it was taking so long because they had to count so many more votes to be sure.

I’m glad and hopeful for the Senate. There are two run-offs for Senate in Georgia in January. That will decide control. Without control of the Senate, Biden is impotent and will be blamed for the recession and lose the next election. Maybe.

I’m glad my state went very blue. Good thing my friends and I all voted 1,000 time each. 😉

Monday

Uber threw in a little twist yesterday. I don’t know it it will apply to all the drivers. When I got hooked up with a ride the app gave me the driver’s info and a little blurb that said, “Gina is known for great conversation.” I told everyone I was worried I would have to talk to the driver the whole way home. We laughed and said I should cancel. About two minutes into the ride I found out “great conversation” was code for “Gina won’t shut the fuck up.” I didn’t get much talking in but I did a lot of listening. I didn’t mind, it was an entertaining ride home.


A lot of things made more sense when I looked at from the perspective of my brother studying me for years. He has me so fucked up sometimes I delete emails before I reply to them or something I need to take action. I try to be very careful when I delete. I’ve lived alone for years and I’m still afraid.

Friday

I’ve been scared all week. Scared of everything. I think a lot of it is from the president and the millions of people who believe what he says.

I read another person counting the days since their last drink. Some people count 10 years in days. It seems a bit obsessive. I count in months now and hopefully I’ll still be counting when it’s a year. It would be nice if it was like when I quit smoking. I don’t remember what year it was but it was a long time ago. I just remember it by where I lived at the time and know roughly how long it’s been.

Social Distortion

Saturday

The avatar I use for all my journal posts was done by my daughter’s half brother. He used an app called Procreate on his iPad. He just turned 12. I spent about 30 seconds describing what I wanted and he took literally 30 seconds to draw on his first attempt. The only note I had for him was to make the jaw a little more square. I didn’t go into that much detail when I asked but he drew exactly what I had pictured in my mind. Procreate is like Photoshop for your tablet. You can use a stylus or just your finger. He used his finger to draw this.

You may be wondering why I am sitting here typing on Saturday morning instead of calling an Uber to visit my daughter. So am I. She asked me if we could skip a week. She didn’t want to say why but it’s not the first time she didn’t feel up to it. Of course I started my favorite “Cognitive Distortion”, All or Nothing thinking. ‘She doesn’t love me anymore. I’m never going to see my daughter again.’ I can’t help it, my brain has always run in extremes. But it was easy to talk myself out of this one after all my time in CBT. Maybe I will take the extra time to write a post for tomorrow. I’ve been thinking about it all week but haven’t even come up with a decent title. Writing a little in this journal every day is easy but I always wait until the last minute to do a real posting. It’s a good story , I just need a good opening paragraph. I’ll come up with something. I usually need to be backed into a deadline before I can start and finish a project.

Sunday

I had an eventful Halloween night. It turned my frown upside down. A came over by herself because T got hurt when another car hit them on the highway. She was much more expressive than usual, telling me how glad she was to have me to herself, asking if I thought she was sexy and did I think about her when I was alone. I said yes, because she is hot. I was glad too because I like younger women. It was better than having them both here.

Monday

I think my mom is going to live forever. She is almost 70 and she still smokes a pack a day. She knows she can’t quit but she won’t even switch to a vape with less chemicals. She also drank a lot until she was about 60. She has already outlasted her parents by 10 years. I wonder if I will inherit her longevity. I quit smoking about 10 years ago and I think I’ve quit drinking. (At least I hope) The last time I had the flu was in high school. The worst illness I get now is a small sniffle. I got run over by a car and was pretty damaged a few years ago but I don’t think that will shorten my lifespan. I’ve always thought I was superhuman after all the near death experiences I’ve survived. Here’s to life, cheers.


Last week my case manager made a point of telling me about something important and said she would get back to me with an answer right away. Today she texted about something else and it should have at least jogged her memory because the two things were related. She does things like this all the time. I wonder if she bakes it? She likes to go camping with her boyfriend and that is what people do when they go camping. Drink beer and smoke weed. Sleeping in a tent isn’t that much fun.

Tuesday

I’m going to vote but I don’t want to watch the election coverage until after they know who wins.

I just finished a collection of Chuck Klosterman essays; “Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs”. It was almost impossible to finish. He went on forever about how “The Empire Strikes Back” defined the Gen X’ers. I’m Gen X and I never saw the stupid movie in the theaters; We couldn’t afford to see good movies. I had to wait to see the whole trilogy in the 90’s while I was tripping balls. It was excruciating. My cultural education came from seeing Brooke Shields nude in “The Blue Lagoon” when our parents stuck us 4 kids in the trunk of a Pontiac Catalina so they wouldn’t have to buy us tickets to the Drive In. That’s right kids; A drive in movie theater. I think they will make a comeback due to social distancing suggestions.

Wednesday

Went to bed stressed about the election. They were trying to predict when almost no votes were counted. They are saying whoever wins will have to heal and bring this country together. How is that going to happen when the current president calls half the country “losers?” Everything is still too close to call this morning so I shut off the television and I’m on joke Twitter for some relief.

Thursday

Ugh. I did a media blackout last night, I woke up and still nothing happened. It doesn’t really matter because it’s the senate that controls everything. They already got the corporate tax cuts and all the judges they wanted. Now they just don’t approve anything for the next 4 years. Stock market still goes up. Recession won’t hurt anyone who matters.

I just have to not think about it. I’m watching a cooking show on PBS. I haven’t really gotten caught up in watching the minute by minute election analysis. That is too much for me. None of them know what is going to happen but they repeat themselves over and over. I woke up for a couple hours last night and didn’t even check. I watched cartoons.

I woke up too early and drank a bunch of coffee. I bought it at the store because I destroyed my old coffee maker. I ordered a new one but it was shipped to my daughter’s. People steal packages from my building. The woman at the store was trying to give me a coffee card so I could get a free coffee after I bought whatever. I told her I won’t be buying anymore. I won’t get a free coffee anyway because I never bring a stupid card with me to the store. I can’t keep track of that shit.

Friday

I didn’t get caught up in too much of the election coverage for the first couple of days. I would check in every few hours to see if anything changed. After midnight I got tied up in watching minute to minute and it stressed me out. Nothing happened again. Now the whole day has gone and still nothing. Finally someone on television made sense. We had historic mail in voting and it takes longer to count those votes. So just be patient.

I really can’t believe he just came out and lied about massive fraud with all the people who take him at his word. I email a woman and we don’t talk politics but she told me she spent 8 hours at the polls. I said I didn’t know you worked the polls. She said, no, I was there volunteering to look for voter fraud. I was surprised. Especially in our tiny state with a whopping 2 electoral votes. I’m sure we have a huge conspiracy here. I couldn’t say anything to her because I know she is an ardent supporter. I vote but I don’t wave a huge flag with my candidates name on it. I’ve never “loved” a president of the United States. I don’t trust everything a politician says and take to the streets for them.

Saturday

This is going to take a lot longer than I thought. Watching the news is ridiculous. The President says something that is complete bullshit and they treat it like it’s a debate. Now you have people out protesting at counting centers who think it’s “very suspicious” votes are being counted.

At least I am going to see my daughter today. But she has just developed an interest in politics and has been watching closer than I have. I know how the vote is going but I am afraid of what he will do in his last 2 months in office.

Chillaxation

MONDAY: I’m not sure about the ethical considerations when it comes to using Uber. It seems like it will be the best thing for me to do this winter. It is my responsibility to get myself to see my daughter each week. I live in a semi-rural area so taxis are a rare sight. For instance ABBA Taxi, inc used to be run by two guys living in an apartment in the same complex as me. Their “taxi” was a 15 year old beat up minivan. I suspect it broke down and put them out of business. Not taking Uber would probably only cost me $10 more per week but that is $40 a month I have to remove from another part of my budget.

Since I was told, “Dude chill”, in my comments section I have been chillin’ dude. I thought back and realized I’ve been using the 2 hour settle down and prepare method forever. I almost always start things way too early. I don’t start them, I start thinking about them. Sometimes it backfires and my positive symptoms of schizophrenia can build up. (Positive does not mean good.) If that happens I have almost zero chance of leaving the house. Sometimes I can tell if I will have one of those days. I can feel it when I wake up in the morning and if I can force myself out the door as soon as possible, I can get things done.

Wednesday

I lost interest in writing yesterday. It’s too bad because I was much calmer then. That whole 2 hour rule is bullshit if I let things get out of control. Yes, I’ve got the “roid rage” again. I’m not going to describe it again. I think I’ve spent the last month writing about it on the daily. Speaking of writing daily, I have no idea what to write about and post this weekend. Getting the Uber app reminded me of the first time I rode in one on someone else’s dime. But that is another sex story.

I wish I could figure out what is going on day to day. Last night I took my meds and got plenty of sleep but I’ve been freaking out all day. Yesterday I forgot my meds and got no sleep and I had a normal day.

Thursday

I make weird salads. I make 2 at a time. I cut all the vegetables into 16 bite size pieces. For each salad that is one stalk of celery, half a cucumber and half a tomato. Plus some romaine I also cut into 16 pieces. It works out to 12 salads for two weeks based on how long it will last in the fridge. Everything works out even except for the celery. You never know what you are going to get from a bunch of it. I do like to eat the celery hearts as a treat when the rest is gone. I eat the whole celery, including the leaves. Is that weird? I do chop off the base at the root. I’m not some kind of filthy animal. I don’t use salad dressing. I use a drizzle of soy sauce, garlic powder and dried basil and oregano. Necessity is the mother of invention.

Friday

I made it through the first 2 hours of the day. (Barely) I must hate myself and my life. I woke up screaming at my prescription bottles. (I think they are designed to make me feel worse so I will take more in the hopes of feeling better.) They’ve been up twice to fix my toilet and it wouldn’t flush again this morning. (oh yeah, what a rager) They can get it to flush once and tell me it is fixed. I explain to them I can get it to flush once. (once) It doesn’t mean it’s fixed. They leave.

I’ve dodged a few bullets so far this morning. (I should consider myself lucky.) I almost burned myself pouring boiling water in the top of my broken coffee maker. It lasted a good while for $14.99 at Walmart. Almost broke the glass pot purposely in the sink because it was half full of grounds when I poured it into my cup. (lucky or I would have had broken glass everywhere) Slammed back the cup full of grounds and slammed down my mug to the floor. (Lucky again it was carpeted.) Then I found the real culprit (It was me) I screamed so loud as I beat the fuck out of my stomach with clenched fists like some oversized gorilla. It hurt but again I was lucky I have strong abdominals from years of hard work. Does my doctor have something for that? Besides anxiety pills which don’t calm me.

I think it really started when I opened my blackout shade and saw snowflakes flying. I fucking hate winter. The main reason I don’t move down south is my daughter lives here and I would like to continue seeing her. One thing I do like about winter is it kills all the insects. That’s another reason I don’t move to a warmer climate. I don’t do cockroaches. (gross!)


About 15 years ago I bought a pretty good Dell computer. I had to get rid of it when Windows dropped support for XP. But it came with a set of Harman/Kardon speakers. Left and right side 2 inch tweeters and a woofer that still thumps under my desk. I’m no Luddite but I think I’ve got it pretty good.


I like when people expect me to act like I don’t have a major mental illness.

Welcome to the 21st Century

I think I am the last person to download and use the Uber app. It worked out pretty well for me. I got to my daughter’s house and back in good time Saturday. I don’t know how it will work next week. I was lucky (No, not that kind of lucky.) to catch a woman just as she was leaving her driveway. She was the only driver available on Saturday morning. More drivers were out in the evening when it was time to go home. Both ways told me it is harder to find a ride in the mornings. They make their own hours and can get more passengers later in the day and at night. I will have to see how it works for me. Hopefully I can get lucky again.

I also finally bought a wireless keyboard and mouse for my desktop computer. The old ones were dying after years of use. It says I can use them from 30 feet away. I don’t know how I would see the screen. I don’t know what I will do when my desktop is obsolete. A laptop would be nice but I think I would miss my 19 inch monitor and full size keyboard. Does anyone else work like this? I’m not completely prehistoric. I do own a tablet but I type very slowly and I don’t use it to it’s full capacity.

Tuesday

Last week someone told me to take a chill pill in the comments of one of my posts. It gave me pause. I already knew I was writing negative journal entries but it was my anger giving me impetus to write. By the time I calmed down I didn’t feel like opening this app anymore. I wasn’t getting much sleep and kept missing my meds or taking them at the wrong times.

I was reminded on one of those bad days when I had to be ready for a ride one day. I had two hours to get ready and I was raging. I knew I couldn’t be an emotional wreck when they got here. I was all over the place so I narrowed my focus down to hyper-reality. I created a mental checklist of what I needed to do to get ready. Shower, shave, etc… Then I did them all one at a time. This week I am trying to give myself two hours before I write. That is usually what I need to calm myself down. It’s a concerted effort.

When I was working I would do something similar. I was manic and going to school for web programming after work. I would work on my project until I was stymied around midnight. Then I would pop up at three every morning with the answer to the problem that stopped me. I would put on a pot of coffee and work through my solution until five when I had to leave for work. All that got me ready to deal with my responsibilities. I would go into work bumping my gums and busting balls. I didn’t hold back with anyone. I need a routine like that again but my concentration isn’t good enough anymore to take on a large project.

Wednesday

My coping skills work fine when I don’t need them. One night last week my symptoms were so bad I took to bed early. My voice was yelling at me, telling me I’m worthless, useless. That caused my anxiety to skyrocket. I knew if I got really drunk it would all go away. But it would come back worse the next day. It wasn’t a strong dose of willpower that stopped me from walking to the store for beer. I couldn’t pull myself together long enough to leave my apartment to follow through.

I’m starting to feel like that again but it’s only 11am. I’m not lying in bed. I have plenty of energy but nothing to do with it. I’m trying to write my way through it now. It’s not as bad as last week. I have to be extra careful because it is so early in the day. If I bought beer now I wouldn’t stop until the store closes at 11 tonight. Alcohol only works on my symptoms if I drink myself into a blackout. I can hear my therapist telling me to be mindful and stay in the moment. What if the moment sucks?


I loaded my self with pasta. All the food in my stomach takes blood away from my brain and calms me down. It’s still early so it looks like I will be packing on a few more pounds tonight. It’s not the best way to do it, but it’s one way to do it.

Thursday

I’ve got a couple good nights of sleep under my belt. Today seems like it will be a good one. Last night I fell asleep without taking my medication, which is unusual because I usually need them to sleep. The med that puts me to sleep is also my anti-psychotic. I can’t miss too many of those. Although it does build up in my system so missing a night or two should be okay for me.

I hear a voice but it is back inside my head today and easy to ignore. Right now I am just listening to familiar music so I can follow the vocals and redirect my attention. Another problem I have is hearing noises coming from outside my apartment. I can’t tell if it is someone being loud or if it is my imagination. A lot of times when I hear something loud I check with my cat. If his ears perk up and he looks at the door then I know the noise was real. If my cat doesn’t hear it then it is just me. My paranoia of police kicks in whether the sound is real or not. I think they are going to kick the door in and take me. I’m not doing anything illegal so I don’t know why I think that way. If I’m feeling okay I can reason my way out. I can tell myself how unlikely it would be for the cops to bust the door down. Other times noises I hear can freeze me in bed for hours.


I had to call maintenance today. I’ve been putting it off all week. Now that banging on the door could happen anytime today or even tomorrow. I just have no idea when.

Friday

I’m following my new 2 hour rule. I can outlast almost anything if I can wait 2 hours. I didn’t realize it but I was already doing it before my visits to my daughter. I get up early, more than 2 hours before I see her so I am prepared when the time comes. Lately I’ve been writing in the mornings while I was enraged. Can you imagine veins popping and screaming at inanimate objects because you made a typo or couldn’t remember how to spell a word you knew well. It wasn’t until someone told me to chill out in the comment section that I decided not to do anything for 2 hours in the morning.

Like I said, I was doing it in the mornings before work without realizing it. I didn’t make the connection that if I slept until my alarm woke me I would have an awful day at work. But If I woke up very early I had time to prepare my mind. I make a ton of typos all the time but I don’t always flip out over them. I’ve been using the backspace key all over these 2 paragraphs and I feel pretty calm.

I was already using the rule when I felt like I wanted to drink. If I can wait it out for 2 hours the idea usually goes away. Instead of getting drunk I will stuff myself with food or try to sleep. Food is making me fat but at least it’s not making me do all kinds of other stupid shit.

Granted, sometimes the 2 hours is really waiting for a med to start working. I know if I can wait that long I should be okay with whatever is bothering me. I wish I could take naps again. I haven’t taken a nap in over 5 years. A nap would give me a 1 hour head start on the problem.

I try to do passive activities when I am in trouble. Watching tv, eating, drinking coffee, listening to or reading a book. Sometimes I even get into trouble doing any of that. I get yelled at and anxious or angry. I skip from one thing to the other and get upset when I can’t do one for more than a couple minutes. Of course all this hinges on me having 2 hours of time completely alone. I can’t cancel working but I can get up at 3 am to prepare.

You Got That Right!

Monday

“Every night I fall asleep at 10 and every night they wake me up at 11 to give me a fucking sleeping pill! Ain’t that some shit?” Steve was my roommate in the mental hospital. Luckily I was in for mania so he never got bored late at night.

I have a similar problem as Steve. Everyone’s solution is for me to set an alarm to wake up and take my sleeping pill. Nobody says it with a trace of irony. (Is that the right word? It feels like the right word.) My night meds only give me about 4 hours of sleep and I take them around 5am to avoid the most boring part of the day. The problem is last night I fell partially asleep early and woke up at 5. I have to decide if it is time to take my day meds or my night meds. I took my night meds because I only got a couple hours of half sleep. Sounds simple, right? It didn’t work. Now I am sitting here in limbo. I just had 2 cups of coffee to wake up but my med kicked in for sleep. Fuck! Lucky you.

Someone has a Black Lab outside. He is running so fast. He is playing, you can’t get my stick, with his owner. Reminds me of a dog I had.

Tuesday

I haven’t slept in days. I lie in bed until the fear pushes me out. It’s time to get up, right? Make coffee. Cook some lentils. I’m fine. I can type my way through a paragraph, I must be okay. I’ve got the red, squiggly line to tell me I made a typo or forgot how to spell a word. I’ve got Grammarly in my head. Nobody knows I got up and walked around. Nobody knows I’ve been sitting here staring at the cursor blinking for 10 minutes. Texting is even easier. The phone does everything for me. Don’t know what to say? Type in an emoticon and buy myself some time. Always composing. Keeping myself composed. My therapist thinks I”m doing great because I can fake my way through a 20 minute phone call. Good thing we don’t do video and she can’t see what I’m doing on my end. Good thing she can’t see what is going on inside my head.

My Black Lab’s name was Blue Moon. He was a big dumb dog. He had so much energy. If I didn’t take him out and run him hard for an hour every day he would destroy the inside of the house. Every night after work I would take him on the beach and chuck the ball with the stick. You couldn’t say any “B” words around him. Beach, ball, bone, Blue… He would flip and start barking to go outside. He didn’t care if it was February and below zero and I was freezing my ass off. He would get hot. He would go into the ocean and cool down. He wasn’t really that dumb. He was smart enough to know if he kept the ball he didn’t have to go back inside. I was smarter though. I always kept a second ball in my back pocket. He was such a good dog. (See. You didn’t know I took a 5 minute break to cry and make some more coffee.) He lived to be 12. That’s pretty good for a Lab. It’s not just the death of a dog that makes me sad. It’s the death of everything I had back then. No more family. No wife, no baby, no stupid dogs.

Thursday

Wednesday got way too long so I turned it into today’s blog post. I guess I had a lot on my mind.

I still can’t figure out what the difference between my good days and bad days. Yesterday I was raging and hearing things and the room was flashing bright and dim and changing colors. Today I’m back to my regular not so bad anxiety. Other days my voice and anxiety are so bad I’m frozen in bed. I would like to blame it on my shift from barely any sleep to almost no sleep but all of this happens when I’m on a regular schedule.

Friday

I signed up for Uber so I can see my daughter tomorrow. I’ve never used it before. I put it off for a bit and now I am already nervous they won’t be able to find me. Everyone else finds me with GPS so I probably shouldn’t worry. Right? I just don”t want to miss my first ride.

I”ve calmed down since earlier this week but I’m still not sleeping. I was listening to a book until 6am. I would have given up on it sooner but I had nothing to replace it. The guy outlined his book in the introduction, The questions he was asking and he gave the data to back up the answers. Then he went on for 10 chapters repeating himself. He made the points clear in the intro and finished the book repeating everything he just said. He could have just made the intro and the wrap up into a smaller book and it would have been great.

One Step Over The Line

Monday

Is alcohol use disorder really a thing? Can’t I just be an alcoholic? Can it be cured? I used to have cigarette use disorder and I cured myself of that. At least I think I did. Smoking hasn’t crossed my mind since I finally quit I don’t know how many years ago. Right now I am in the throes of caffeine use disorder. I can’t stop myself. In fact, since I tried to quit a couple weeks ago I have lost all control and use more caffeine than before. Is there a disorder for every addictive or habit forming drug? I better call my doctor. I have a long list of confessions to make. Fuckers.

Tuesday

I was too depressed to kill myself last night. I just lay there in bed staring at my prescription bottles but I couldn’t move to get them. I just wanted everything to stop. Then came the guilt for thinking such a thing. My uncle’s suicide fucked up the whole family for generations. Do I want to do that to everyone I know? I woke up stupid crying. Snot running out of my nose and into my coffee. I drank it anyway. You know, caffeine use disorder. Then I felt fine.

I needed a ride to the veterinarian this morning. I can’t even take care of a stupid cat by myself. I can barely take care of myself. My ex wife showed up to give me a ride and I was all smiles and jokes. I really do feel fine now. Writing this is depressing but I will forget about it in a few minutes.

I can’t figure out what makes the difference on how I feel each day. Yesterday was normal. Nothing bad happened. I wasn’t dwelling on anything depressing. I watched football which I enjoy. Even though they got rid of the fans. (80 thousand drunk people screaming is part of the game.) Then midnight comes and I want to die?

Wednesday

I opened this up this morning to write something completely different. I thought I had some insight into what happened the other night. I can’t think of it right now. I’ve been raging again since I woke up. My head is pounding, my throat hurts from screaming and I pulled a muscle in my arm. Not from lifting something heavy. It was from tensing it up so much while I flipped out. I took some Advil for the pain but this isn’t the kind of pain designed for Advil.

My therapist would try to tell me to “stay in the moment”, “take deep breaths”, “maintain your focus”, “Just be mindful.” Yeah, step on the tracks in front of a speeding train. It’s easy when it’s easy.

Thursday

Yesterday I told my case manager I think I was cured. She asked me if I was still taking my meds. I said I think that is what cured me and she said she wasn’t sure that is how it works. I asked her if taking all these medications wasn’t supposed to cure me? I told her that because I want to see how long it takes someone else to ask if I’m taking my medications. They have conversations about me and make plans that have an effect on my life.

Saturday

My therapist said the same thing when I told her I was cured. “I don’t think that’s how it works”, in a low voice. I asked her why I was taking medication for so long if it doesn’t work? They will probably tell my doctor they are worried I will stop taking my meds. I don’t care. I only have two minutes on the phone with him each time. He will ask if I am still taking them and I will say yes and he will order from the pharmacy. Seriously. I’ve been on psycho active meds for 30 years. You would think I would be good by now.

Glad that’s over

Robot Person

I can’t tell if I’m going up or down. My major depression has lifted but it still hits me for a few days here and there. My doctor put me on another anti-psychotic/anti-manic med about a year ago so I don’t know if I will get another manic phase. I have had some impulsivity, hypersexuality and engaging in risky behaviors but I have that when I’m depressed also. What I don’t have is the high pressure drive to do those things and I’m not pressured to talk people into a corner and euphoria. I don’t know if that is good for me because that is my favorite part of my mental illness. I feel like I want to stop my meds to get there. My voice has receded to a quiet annoyance, narrating everything I do. I can ignore it by concentrating on something else. Like writing this or reading or listening to music, etc… Over the past month or so I’ve been having more good days than bad.


I didn’t notice until I was talking to someone about it but I haven’t been thinking about alcohol as much as I used to do. I also haven’t had a day where I thought I was definitely going to end up getting drunk for a long time. It’s been since before Labor Day which was always an end of summer, celebrate by drinking day for me. The fourth of July I was sure I was going to drink. All my triggers were there at the same time and I had a definitive plan. I’m still not sure how I pulled that one off. I’ve had days since when I was one quick walk away from the store from getting shitfaced. But now I’m having days where alcohol doesn’t even cross my mind. I can see someone walk out of the store with a box of beer and I don’t think about, well, I could easily do that. I’m not sure when the transition started but I know a few months ago I thought the fixation would never go away. I think that is pretty good progress. But I also know I could be one day away from a bad episode I try to cure with alcohol.

Tuesday

Can 2 regular size cups of coffee make you fly into rages? Like screaming and wanting to break my keyboard just because I made a typo? Is that normal? It’s been happening more and more the past 2 weeks. This morning I almost destroyed my entire kitchen because they shut the water off. I’m not a violent person. The poor neighbors must think I’m up here beating my wife. It probably doesn’t sound like I live alone. Now that I think about it that happened before the coffee. I couldn’t make coffee because the water was shut off. Everything is resolved now but I am still flipping out. I’ve been missing my night meds by falling asleep at strange times but I take my mornings. It can’t be that, but this happens a lot lately. It fucks up my entire day. I can’t leave the house. My head is pounding and my upper body feels like it is engulfed in flames.


The girl who met me and went straight home to break up with her boyfriend texted me last Friday night. Apparently she wanted an update on my sex life. She asked me twice if I wanted her to come over. I had a choice. I could stay home alone on Friday night or I could have sex. I chose staying home alone because the whole situation is fucked. She still lives with her boyfriend. I don’t care if she says she broke up with him. He is still her boyfriend. You can’t just call a technicality.

Wednesday

Today is tomorrow already and last night never happened. 4am is my arbitrary bedtime. That means I have to decide if I am tired enough to take my night meds. It’s a gamble because I may be too wide awake for them to put me to sleep. That was an hour ago. I rolled the dice and came up snake eyes. I am still awake. I can’t try to sleep until 4am tomorrow. What do I do? Do I take my morning meds? It’s morning.

Thursday

I am a violent person. I’m just violent on the inside. I abuse myself. You have to really be an asshole to get me to raise my voice. You have to do something purposely hurtful and particularly egregious for me to throw hands. When I am pissed at myself it only takes the smallest things to set me off. In half a second I could be raging. But if someone else does something to make me angry, it might take me days to realize I’m pissed. I have no problem letting small things go. But I have a couple things in my life I ruminate over and get fuming all over again. I just can’t reconcile them.

Friday

I wouldn’t call myself a success story. Most people don’t make it through the first year. Even AA says they only have a 5% success rate. That is there own estimate of people in the program who stay sober for one year.

Saturday

I’m not going to see my daughter today. My nose has been running since I got up this morning. I’m not worried so much as I don’t want to be gross or make anyone nervous. Especially since the whole government just came down with the virus this past week.

The Singularity

Robot Person

Sunday

If I don’t catch you in the first fifteen words, I have lost you forever! My daughter is still rocking the bass guitar. I only see her once a week so I really notice her progress. She has a new favorite band each week and she learns all their songs. She is a teenage hipster so she likes small, indie bands but the music is good.

I really didn’t think I was going to write a post for today. I couldn’t function towards the end of the week and it was all I could do to get to my daughter’s house yesterday. When I got home I was depressed and wanted to shut down but that is what inspired me to get up and write this morning. I wrote about how “Suicide Awareness day” didn’t help me at all. It just brought up horrible memories. So I wrote about one of them. Don’t read it if you are suicidal.

Monday

I did the big things I needed to do today. Then I took a long shower and shaved, knowing I’m not going to see or talk to anyone tonight. I feel pretty good about it.

Tuesday

I got the, “don’t call yourself schizophrenic, you are not your disease”, a couple weeks ago from one of the women I met. I told her it was just semantics and she got mad at me. First of all, who cares what I call myself? And second, the definition of a schizophrenic is someone who suffers from schizophrenia. That would make me correct. I bet she wouldn’t hesitate to call me an alcoholic instead of someone who suffers from alcoholism. But I will leave that hair for her to split.

Speaking of schizo’s; my friend has texted me three times this month to tell me a specific time she is coming to visit. All three times I never heard from her until the next. I don’t mind. It is normal for her to do that. She has a lot of friends and is always on the go. She has disordered thinking so I imagine it is hard for her to keep track. I’m only saying it because she just texted me again.

Wednesday

She finally made it last night! Better late than never. I got to hang out with someone I know and have an actual real conversation. I do that every week with my daughter and whoever may be at her house. But I’m talking aobut just me at my place talking to someone I’m not meeting for the first time in my life.

J is my age and she is entertaining. She knows a lot of people and is always visiting so she has interesting stories to tell. When she sees me she is always on the way to somewhere else and when she is somewhere else she is always on her way to somewhere else. I get along with her so well because she likes to talk in person instead of text. I am the same way. I like to use text as a tool. I hate when I am forced to have a conversation through text. But that is the way the world works now.

Friday

We have been trying to talk my daughter into starting a band. She is reticent by nature but it’s not what you think. She isn’t afraid she won’t be good enough. She is afraid she won’t find other people who are good enough. She doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings if she decides it’s not working. I tried to tell her to just practice with other people. It doesn’t mean she is married to them. She will figure out her own way to do it just like she does everything else.

Saturday

It’s 6am. I’ve been up since 2:30. I don’t know what happened. I opened my eyes and it was pitch black. I only knew I was in my room because I could feel my familiar mattress beneath me. I don’t know how I got there or if I had even slept. I felt like I just blinked and arrived in my bedroom. I hit the button to light up my watch and was totally confused. How could it be so dark at 2 in the afternoon? How long have I been lying here? Don’t worry, I figured out it was the middle of the night. It was way too early to wake up and drink coffee so I took my nighttime meds and got back to bed. That was a mistake. I was wide awake and no prescription was putting me back to sleep. I gave up and drank some coffee.

There is nothing to do so early in the morning so it was the perfect time to sit and write something for tomorrow. It’s a memory that’s been kicking around in my head. It’s a good one. Nothing negative like last Sunday’s post.

I’m waiting for the store to open. I have 5 more minutes to go. I’ve been in this position before, only I was waiting for the store to open so I could buy beer. This time I want an egg sandwich and some better coffee.


I made it! In a few hours I am biking to my daughter’s house. I know I didn’t get any sleep. I won’t be tired. I never get tired. My anxiety never gets tired either. I hear a voice coming from the back of my neck. Where my spine joins my skull. It’s not very loud. It’s just annoying. Narrating everything I do. Writing helps. So does listening to music. Right now I have “Cleopatrick” on YouTube. It’s my daughter’s new favorite band. They are pretty good. We both like guitar driven rock.

Back the Truck Up!

My daughter shreds on bass guitar! You can really tell she puts in the work. She is much better than I was after my first year and I took it very seriously. Everybody knows she is good but I don’t see her every day. I notice how much she improves in just one week. She chooses fast, complicated songs and learns them in no time. For the longest time she wanted to play an instrument but she couldn’t find the right one. She has found it. She practices until her fingers blister and she has the teenage hero worship of all her favorite bass players. She knows she is good too. Last time I was there she said, Come here, let me show you my talent, and smirked. She’s funny. She was always private about her art but now she wants to show it off. I could just be saying she is good because I’m her dad, but she really is that good. Okay, that’s my brag on my daughter.


Last night I closed the door on my new friend D. Even though she left a hole in the wall I could drive a truck through. Today is her weekend so she has the day off. I made my decision yesterday but didn’t know how the easiest way to tell her because she is an avid texter. I knew I would be assaulted with a barrage of extra punctuation!!!!! Many exclamation points. I can’t tell if she is trying to make a point or if she is yelling at me. She texted me three times yesterday before I had a plan of what to say to her. It was late at night and she told me she was drinking vodka. So vodka with the next day off. It would have been so easy to invite her to come visit me but I changed my mind the night before. I didn’t want to see her again but I also didn’t want to hurt her feelings. So I took the easy way out. I waited for an opportune time in the conversation to drop a “LOL.” I knew she would respond with a smiley face. How do I answer that? I didn’t.

Last week she got mad at me because she said I shouldn’t misrepresent myself as a DOM and she said I should be looking for a “normal” woman. I told her I wasn’t attracted to “normal” women. But she confused me by saying the sex was great!!!! with all the exclamation points. She further confused me by texting me every night after from her bed when she was relaxing before sleep. If I had asked her to come she would have come and I didn’t want to get into a long discussion about why I changed my mind. The problem was she changed the whole dynamic. She started telling me how she wanted sex to be when the whole idea of her coming here last week was for me to be in control. I did exactly what I wanted and only what I wanted. I got out of it without an argument but she also has tomorrow off from work and plenty of time to think about it. But she did tell me I wasn’t the type of guy she was looking for. But why was she texting me every night?


The girl who broke up with her boyfriend texted me and wanted to know about my sex life. I said it’s fluctuating and she laughed. Is she going to check in weekly? I don’t know what to tell her. There’s nothing between us. Not even a little flirt.


I asked my friends to come over and somehow I was in luck. They are usually too busy I just let them decide when to come over but I needed something with no bullshit attached. They don’t tell me one thing and then do another. Even though the sex is perfunctory it is the most satisfying. They don’t confuse me. They don’t text me all day so I can keep them entertained when they are bored. They don’t have time for me and that is what I like.

Speaking of confusing. D texted me again tonight. Last week, after we met she flat out told me I should be looking for another type of woman. Someone more “normal.” That means she’s not interested in me, right? Why has she texted me every night since? After she told me that I haven’t initiated one conversation with her. Texting is my least favorite form of communication. I never know what the other person means when they talk. If I’m having a physical relationship, I need physical conversation.

I was done for the night but this is too weird! I just tried to ask her why she is texting me all the time and she waited and then told me the cops knocked on her door to tell her her estranged brother died. It’s 2am! The cops don’t hunt you down in the middle of the night to tell you about a death in the family. They don’t care. I asked how the cops found her and she said they must have tracked her cell phone number. On what planet did that happen? Why would she tell me a story like that? If she is trying to get rid of me all she has to do is stop texting me every night. It wouldn’t hurt my feelings.

Tuesday

I don’t feel good today. I thought I had a lot of new things to say but I guess I don’t.

Wednesday

All I wanted to do was type the day of the week and it took me three tries. Forget about reading. I returned an electronic book because I Iwas reading it for a month and getting nowhere. Last time I tried to read I tied myself down and could only force myself to read four pages. I can’t focus for shit. I got intimidated by it. I would see how many pages I had left and see how slow I was reading. It would have taken two more weeks to read it. I’m making a lot of typos now. I hit the backspace key but the lag is so long I get pissed the cursor isn’t moving backwards. This site has so many cookies it slows down everything in my browser. It feels like I made a typo but it takes so long to show on my screen. I scream. I have Disconnect and Privacy Fox installed and they are not blocking everything.

Saturday

I had a week of being dysfunctional. I couldn’t stay awake long enough to take my meds. So I would get 4 hours of nightmares before I woke up. Then I couldn’t decide if I should take my meds and go back to sleep or skip them until next time. Finally, last night I slept straight through for 12 hours. I haven’t done that in years.

Luckily I got all that sleep the night before I go see my daughter. That would be today. Last week it was chilly in the morning but I was sweating on the ride home. It was in the mid 60’s. Today is colder. My mom got a frost last night but she lives an hour north of me.

This winter I will have to cut down the number of times I see my daughter per month. I won’t be able to ride my bike and it looks like my only option is an Uber. I can’t afford to do that every week.


I wanted to get so drunk when I got home. I just wanted to buy more alcohol than I could drink and drink it all. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I had a good day with my daughter. I know why I get so depressed when I get home from her house and I’m not part of the family. Yes, I know alcohol is a depressant, thanks. I”m not gonna do it anyway. I have been freaking out about how my brain is working.