Invictus

Robot Brain

Monday: I am so fucking manic! My brain is flying. I’ve been running my mouth non stop for a month. I had a revelation last night. Since I quit that medication I’ve been rehearsing talking to my doctor over and over. I’m getting myself all worked up. I want to express to him how angry I am fro prescribing that to me. Last night I realized getting all hyped up and yelling about how much better I feel since stopping the med probably wouldn’t sound very convincing. I’m still talking out loud to him but now I am catching myself whenever I get upset and starting the conversation over. I need to stick to the basics. Tell him what side effects made me quit the med. Tell him about the side effects I didn’t realize were side effects until I quit the med and they disappeared. How much better I feel now that all the side effects are gone. Done. I’ve been practicing all morning and stopping myself when I start getting faster or louder or sounding a little bit angry. I need to be as calm as possible. I guarantee he is going to say, I really wish you didn’t do that, you can’t just stop medications like that. Then he is going to try to get me to start a new medication. I will politely refuse. That’s how I hope it will go. We’ll see.

Wednesday: I got the fear yesterday. I’m afraid to tell him I stopped. He can’t force me to take it can he? I mean, if I tell him I feel a lot better since I stopped taking it will he still try to get me to take it. I don’t know what to do. I can’t just pick it up at the pharmacy and throw it in the trash. Now I have 3 hours to figure it out.


I feel much better after talking to my doctor. All month long I was thinking about how I was going to tell him everything but I stuck to the one strangest thing. Every morning I was raging out for 4 hours and couldn’t figure it out. Then I quit the med and haven’t even come close to losing my temper since. It disappeared the day after I stopped the med. I thought he was going to be against it but he said he is glad I figured it out because it was the best I’ve sounded in months. My anxiety dropped a few notches because now I can stop having the conversation out loud over and over. I’m so glad I caught myself a few days ago and didn’t yell at him. I just told him about the one thing I was surprised and happy about. I didn’t try to tell him about any other side effects. I wouldn’t have had time anyway. I only get to talk to him for 5 minutes he has so many patients.

Thursday: He said I sound much better but he didn’t know I spent the previous 3 hours preparing for a 5 minute phone call. Stopping myself every time my voice got faster or louder, every time I strayed from the main topic. By the time he called me I had it honed and ready. The call lasted about 10 minutes because he also talked. I hadn’t planned for that. Of course he was going to ask questions and have responses. The first couple times I caught myself talking over him because my pressure to speak is so intense. I’m doing it right now and I’m just sitting here alone. It goes all day. It was an exercise in restraint to just let him talk. For a couple days my paranoia was so bad I was wavering on even telling him I stopped the medication. I knew all my fears were irrational but that didn’t stop them. It came down to the moment the phone rang to decide if I was going to follow through or blow up the whole thing.

Friday: This isn’t the good kind of mania where life seems fantastic no matter how objectively shitty it may be. My life is going pretty well. I would be the main problem right now. I’m agitated, nothing moves fast enough for me. I’m trying to get everything done at the same time. It’s impossible but I’m going to try. Meanwhile I forget important things I should be doing. And my brain. Just stop with the brain already! It’s early in the day but I have to put the brakes on again. Just stop everything before I spin out of control. I’ve had myself on lockdown for the past few weeks. See my daughter if I can, get food for the week, then nothing but meds, meals and sleep. I’m still getting sleep. That’s my barometer.

Saturday: Occam’s razor

It Takes One to Know One

Monday: I never believed in manifestation or the law of attraction or any of that other bullshit. There have been a lot of times in my life where I thought the universe was aligned with me and giving me everything I needed. It hasn’t been working that way for quite a while. A couple months ago I gave up looking for a new partner. I didn’t want to do it any of the ways I had before but I was stuck wondering how to do it. I just hit pause. But I was still thinking about it. I have sex with a girl I am perfectly happy with except I barely see her.

I accidentally watched the beginning of one of those manifestation videos. It wasn’t clearly labeled. The same night a woman from forever ago texted me in the middle of the night. The coincidence added to the excitement. I wasn’t thinking valentine was coming up. I don’t think of it as a holiday. I’ve had people I barely know look me up before Thanksgiving or Christmas. Then I remembered why we hadn’t talked in years. We didn’t click.

I only actually met with one person who did that one year.
Don’t fucking look up to me! You got ten minutes to live: what are you gonna do next?

Thursday

I can’t write about shit. I’ve been trying to listen to a series of lectures. They are very interesting but I can’t follow along. My sensory system has been overloaded all week. Coincidentally that is what the lectures touch on.

Friday

I wanted to listen and write about those lectures on audio but I still can’t even listen to them. I like they are only 30 minutes long but that is too much for me right now. I am pretty sure this will be the only thing I post this week. I have a YouTube video to publish also. It should be easy. I finished it 2 weeks ago before I lost my mind. My first one got 1 view, which is pretty good considering I didn’t tell anyone how to find it. I’m trying to do a series of meditations for people who don’t like meditating but want to meditate. (like me) I got the idea from watching other YouTube meditation videos while desperately trying to relax. Few of them worked. I listened to a lot of them. Most of them are the same and useless. I did write down what worked for me and I will use that as a starting point.

I was supposed to go see my daughter Wednesday but I screwed up the night before. I fell asleep for about an hour and when I woke up I was completely confused as to where and when I was. Once I realized what was going on (or so I thought) I got up to make morning coffee. It was morning alright! 2 in the morning! I didn’t know until I had finished a cup of coffee. Obviously I had to take my night meds and go back to bed, right? (Wrong!) I couldn’t decide if it was too early to drink coffee or too late to take my meds. I tried drinking coffee all night and I was a mess by the time I should have seen my daughter. I had to cancel. (Still no sleep that day) I feel bad because I rarely cancel on her. She has been canceling on me a lot lately. Maybe she wanted to again and I just made it easier for her. I haven’t seen her in about a month. At first I was taking it personally but she is 15 and doesn’t need her old man of a dad hanging around all the time. It’s difficult. 16 years went by so fast. I know that sounds cliche but it really does feel like last week she was a little peanut who fit in the palm of my hand!

I think this is the most I’ve written all week. Nobody says I have to post every week. I say that. I started out 3 times a week and soon when to twice a week. I would like to keep it at least twice a week. I still have a host of ideas on my Windows Sticky Notes on my desktop but it is so daunting to look at right now. I still have 1 planned for Sunday but I have to make myself sit down and write. If I can get started it will be easy. 20 minutes tops. It is another true story so it should roll off my fingers.

(Oh yeah) I finally shaved that nasty beard I have been growing since last Halloween. I bought my first selfie stick to get an honest assessment on how it looked. OMG! I can’t believe I was walking around like that. I didn’t know. (people were telling me I looked good) I think I looked like I was 70 years old. I took a before picture and immediately shaved my face. Then I took an after picture and sent it to my daughter and her mom. My daughter didn’t notice I shaved and asked me why I owned a selfie stick? I don’t know why but I look better in my bathroom mirror somehow. Once I saw the picture on my camera I was horrified. That is the longest length of time I have gone with facial hair and it was only 4 months.

I’m doing pretty well this morning. It is taking a concerted effort to keep myself calm and write all of this. I am going to see my daughter tomorrow whether she likes it or not. It has been too long for me. I will just show up at her house and hang with the dogs if I have to do that.

GOAT

Sunday the 7th

I have to admit I am a Patriots fan and I wanted Brady to win tonight. I can’t help it. They sucked for the first half of my life so you can watch them win for the second half. Ha. Really though, my first memories were of watching football and going outside at halftime to pretend we were the players in the snow. Don’t get too far ahead of yourself. I’ve never played “fantasy football.”

Slightly off topic. I got a text from a woman I haven’t heard from in 5 years last night after midnight. She ended up wanting to sext! (go figure) We hooked up a couple of times before we lost touch; because she got serious with another guy. I haven’t talked to her since before my accident. It was a good thing she told me her name in the first text because I didn’t have her in my contacts anymore. I asked her what she would have done if she had the wrong number and another guy pretended to be me? She wants to come over this Friday. Looks like I will have to clean up this dump.

Tuesday

I’m making a concerted effort to clean this place. In my bedroom I found clothes I was wearing in the hospital back in 2017! I took out a large bag of other clothes that didn’t fit me. Some of them never fit me. I don’t know why I was hanging onto them. I even took the blanket of the couch I was using to protect it from the cat. He was trying to tear up the cloth when I bought it. I don’t understand how I can put something somewhere and it will stay there for years. But if I was looking for it, I would never be able to find it. I’ve got some laundry to do. I don’t think that is going to happen. Right now the cat is on the couch cleaning himself and will leave hair all over it. Great!

Wednesday

I’ve made a couple videos in the Windows 10 Video Editor. They are less than 5 minutes long. One is my cat stalking his water dish in slow motion with some music and the other is me walking around my building in a snowstorm, talking. I added background music to that also. I made my own music from loops available in Bandlab. It was the only application I could find that allowed me to create copyright free music. I still have to figure out if I can add a narration track to one video or if I have to choose between music and voice. I don’t have a microphone yet so it will have to wait.

It is all new to me and caused me a great deal of anxiety. Figuring out the easiest way to download video and music. It was all new to me. I am sure I made some mistakes.

Thursday

All of the apartments in my building are getting new toilets. They are in there doing mine right now. It sounds like they are using a reciprocating saw to cut the bolts. Then they tried to pick it up without disconnecting the water supply. That could have been a disaster but the helper saw it just in time. I could do the work myself but it’s not my responsibility. I hate plumbing anyway. It’s so gross. I would rather sit here and write about it. I don’t think they have replaced them since this place was built 50 years ago! Now it sounds like they are having trouble getting it to sit flat because some of the 1 inch tiles broke. All they need is a plastic shim and it would be fine. I’m not going to say anything. People in construction don’t like to be told what to do.

Friday

Today was one of those times where expectation didn’t live up to reality. It was exciting hearing from someone from 5 years ago who wants to hook up but the texting was better than the meeting. Maybe that’s why we hadn’t talked in 5 years. Maybe longer. My memory held a different idea. I liked talking to her. Having sex was a different story. I was trying to be passionate and I was at first but I quit halfway through. I didn’t just stop. I kept going through with it because we did all that talking last Saturday. I just disconnected. I didn’t want to be there any longer but it was my bed. I had nowhere to go. So I faked an orgasm. A guy can do it. It’s easy. Especially if you are wearing a condom. Nobody knows what is going on down there.

Ironically, now I have a head ache.

Saturday

I just remembered tomorrow is Valentine’s day. I mean I knew about it, but it was abstract. It was sometime in the near future. This year I wanted to do something for my daughter. It’s never been a holiday for us anyway.I remember looking at the date yesterday, the 12th but it didn’t make me think the 14th was 2 days away. I was hoping she would get that vinyl single I ordered for Christmas. They didn’t have any shipping options and sent it snail mail from England with a Covid warning. I gave it a lot of time until I sent them an email saying, yo, I didn’t get my shit. They got back to me but told me to call my local post office and blah…I know it got lost so I just bought it again. But it’s still going to be shipped snail mail with no tracking info. I know the site is legit because it’s the Royal Blood page. It’s not like nobody has ever heard of the band.

I woke up very early this morning. Deliberately. I went to bed early and even set my alarm for 8. (wishful thinking) I was freaking from the moment I got up. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I drank my usual coffee and that was a mistake. I am so agitated. I thought I would try a relax meditation video on YouTube. That didn’t work at all. I tried a several and the first few seconds of each was horror. I stopped and freaked out some more. I’ve been watching meditation videos for the past week. The thing about them is they only work if I am already relaxed. A few times I could catch myself at night time at the right time and I could zone in for an hour. I could make myself super relaxed for a couple hours. Other times, like today I can’t handle more than a couple seconds but I tried it because that is the time I need to do it. Right? It doesn’t work.

I finally went back after trying other ways to distract myself. I accidentally found a yoga video. I’ve never been into yoga but it was the one video in the list that wasn’t one of the stock meditation companies. They put out the same video but change the title each time so they will show up in every keyword search. They always have millions of views. I like watching the people who have 382 views over 3 years. Anyway, this yoga chick has like 8 million views so I guess I am the only person who doesn’t know who she is. I watched the video because there was a big dog sleeping on the floor behind her. I watched the dog through the whole video. He didn’t open his eyes once for 10 minutes. He moved his leg a couple times so I knew he was alive.

Watching that video calmed me down enough to write this.. Calm is a relative term. I am still jacked up. I will be chill enough to go see my daughter this morning. I still have time to get my shit together. There are 4 dogs at her house so that helps. They get over excited when I first walk in and then they just want to hang out and do dog things. Yeah, I gotta start thinking about that. I did do something right. I got up hours earlier than I needed to because I knew I was going to wake up feeling this way. I knew I would need time to calm myself down. Now I have been up for hours but it is actually still early in the morning. I just need to put this on and find one more thing to distract me for a few minutes.

A New Resolve

1/31/21: I’m up very early today. I’ve been looking down a lot lately and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m fat. Not everywhere; just in my belly. My arms and legs are skinny and that just makes my middle look bigger. And it’s pretty big. I gained 20 pounds since the lock down last March. That is a big difference for me. I’m 200 now. I’m making a belated New Year’s Resolution. Or maybe I will put it as a challenge to myself like the woman in that book. I am going to lose 20 pounds by my birthday in April! I can do it. I’ve done it quicker before. I lost 10 pounds in a month when I went to ova-lacto vegetarian and I lost faster when I went strict vegan. I am not going to do that this time. I am hooked on 1 roasted chicken from the grocery store each week. I can’t pass it up because it is only 5 bucks and delicious and I get 2 meals from it. I will try it with the chicken the first month and see what happens. I want to get down to 180 lbs. Most of my gain came from eating quick fix calzones from the convenience store. Also bags of corn chips, a lot of peanuts and chocolate. Yum!

I also started exercising a little but I didn’t put much thought into it: I did it more on a whim. My arms were hurting in the mornings when I woke up so I started stretching them. I noticed how atrophied they had gotten. My legs are strong from riding my bicycle all summer but it did nothing for my arms. They just sit there. I saw my old ankle weights on the floor. I got them to do rehab on the leg I broke a few years ago. They weigh five pounds each. I used them to do triceps curls from the back of my neck to far above my head. Then I bent at the waist and hung my arms down. Twisting up to the right and the left to work my obliques. I do each exercise for just a few minutes but can feel it work the muscles. It’s not much weight but I don’t want to bulk up. I just want to be tone.

Monday

Correction: Yesterday I said I weigh 200 lbs. I don’t have a scale and weighed myself at my daughter’s house yesterday. It said 195. Congrats to me but I don’t believe the scale. I look to myself like I weigh more than 200.

I know it sounded like I am going to make a drastic change to my eating habits but it’s not really. I already eat a ton of vegetables and have added some fruits. I only need to cut out the junk I added during the quarantine period. I woke up very early again today so I’ve already had breakfast; 1 cup of cooked lentils, 1 pear and 1 apple. That is normal for me. The fruits have a lot of sugar in them so I think I am going to switch 1 of them to grapefruit next time I shop. It depends on the price. Grapefruit has very little sugar. I am out of tomatoes so I can’t have one for lunch. I will probably eat a head of romaine with soy sauce, sriracha and spices. Dinner will be a plate of wheat pasta and broccoli which I buy frozen. That is a cheap 4 meals. $1 for a pound of pasta and $1.50 for a 1 pound bag of broccoli. For snacks I have baby carrots and radishes. I know, yummo, right? But I like all that stuff. I will probably add another apple in there also. I still see roasted chickens in my future, they are just too delicious.

I know what caused this change in behavior and lifestyle. The voices I hear are no longer negative and telling me I am useless and to hurt myself. That is a relief. Now it is less frequent and encouraging. A few years ago I had a voice I called the “Drill Sergeant”. He was slightly taller than me and followed me everywhere about 4 feet behind. All the while yelling at me to do things. But they were things I had to get done anyway. He was actually helpful. I wish I could get that back again because it came with a hypo-manic/manic episode that lasted about a year.

Anyway, although this is going to start as a crash diet for the first 2 months to see how much weight I can lose, it is not a fad for me. I was eating as a casual vegan for a few years before the pandemic came. Meaning when I was at home I was strict vegan but when I went to a restaurant or someone’s house I ate anything. I’m not morally opposed to meat although I am disgusted by the whole meat industry in the U.S.

I still have to steam a basket of green beans today before they go bad. Do you see? I still eat a ton of vegetables. I can’t buy organic, it would be way too expensive. One thing I can’t make a decision on is the peanuts I eat as a snack. I’ve been eating 2 pounds a week. I can’t help it. I like them as a mindless snack and they are cheap. I will cut to 1 can a week and see how that goes. They have a lot of fat and come on… A serving size is 1 quarter cup? That is just one small handful. I can sit there and eat 10 handfuls. We may have to part ways. I could never control the quantities of foods I eat. That is why I stuff myself with vegetables all day.

Tuesday

I wrote another love story and scheduled it for Sunday.

Wednesday

I cleaned my kitchen. I had to split it up over 2 days. The stove was the worst. It took 2 days but it was only about a half hour of work.

Thursday

Not much going on here today. Yesterday I went to the grocery store and came back with all the same stuff minus the junk food.

Friday

I got off to a great start today! I burned my lentils and set off the fire alarm for the whole building! Somehow it shut off before the firemen got here. There are so many apartments in my building that it happens to someone at least once a month. This time it was me!

I think I’m going to start a YouTube channel for short meditation videos. I already made a clip of my cat circling his water bowl in slow motion and then drinking for a bit. I downloaded the Bandlab music creator because I wanted original music. I got those two put together and now I need to make a voice over track. In the Windows 10 video editor I have to record the track separately. I’m looking at another video editor (Davinci Resolve) where I can record and edit the voice over in the same program. All of these apps are free! Davinci looks a little too complicated for the kind of simple editing I want to do. But I will see how much trouble it is to add a voice over track in Windows. I’ve never made a video for YouTube. My daughter had a channel years ago. She uploaded screen capture of her video game with her talking over it. I need to learn something new.

I’m not going to see my daughter this weekend. Her brother is home from school in quarantine because another kid in his class tested positive. (Her brother tested negative) This is the second time a kid tested positive in 2 months.

Resolution Revolution

Monday

1/25/21: I am a mess… I can’t take care of my apartment. I had resolve last week and cleaned two tables full of old papers. Some of them were dated two years ago. I still haven’t cleaned the desk I am writing at now.. I think it has even older paper work. I eat off dirty dishes. If I am putting the same food on a plate I won’t wash it first. Forget about laundry. I wear the same thing almost every day unless I have to see someone. Then I shower and take a shirt out of the closet. I haven’t washed them but they are not technically dirty. I try to make it so nobody sees me in the same clothes twice, so I rotate. I buy new pants once in a while and new underwear and socks. That’s about all I can manage. Who cares? I spend most of my days not interacting with anyone. Even taking a shower is hit or miss. I can usually make myself do it before I see someone. But even sometimes I can’t.

I’ve been having trouble with basic functions for a long time. I spend most of my days and nights just trying to make it through. I feel a little better after the sun goes down. Somehow it makes me feel like I accomplished something. I hear things in the hallway outside my door.A lot of times I think it is people swearing and calling my name. That wouldn’t be possible because nobody knows my name around here. Sometimes there really are people out in the hallway being loud. I live in fear of the police knocking down my door even though they would have no reason to do it. I try to talk my way through it. I try to distract myself with music and television and writing these things. This doesn’t last long. It only took me ten minutes to write. It takes focus and takes my mind off everything in my head. I could write for miles but I don’t think anyone would want to read a 2500 word post about my week. This already seems long so I will stop.

Tuesday

I don’t feel good today. I can’t stop crying. I want to off myself.

Thursday

I am addicted to the adrenaline rush of anger. I don’t get angry on purpose but it happens a lot. I fly into intense rages.Usually in the morning and it wakes me up quicker than coffee. Maybe I am addicted to the adrenaline rush of anxiety too. I just read it could be caused by low levels of serotonin. That makes sense since I can’t take SSRI’s. They either do nothing or send me straight to the hospital in a manic state. I gave up trying new ones about 10 years ago.

Friday

The word schizophrenia comes from the Greek, “of split mind.” But it does not mean split personality. Please stop using it that way.


A strange thing happened today. I wore a hole in my sock. That’s not the weird part. The weird part is I didn’t wear a hole through it as much as a one inch diameter hole fell out of my sock. I found it on the floor. It did inspire me to write my first book review in months about the first book I’ve “read” in months. I have it scheduled to post Sunday.

Automatic

Tuesday

1/19/21: I rode with my daughter yesterday while she was learning to drive. I didn’t have to use my imaginary brake pedal as much as I thought I would. She drives okay she is just overly cautious. She needs some more time behind the wheel to gain more confidence. Her car is not inspected so she has to learn to drive in her mom’s large SUV. If she can drive that she can drive anything. She hasn’t been on a highway yet. The back roads around here are challenging. Lots of twists and turns and still some traffic around. She had to deal with her first asshole driving the opposite direction, in her lane coming directly for us. She stayed calm. Her mother and I yelled at him! I told her, by the time she gets her license in June she will be great at driving. It is weird here. You can drive with any adult when you are 15 years and 6 months but you can’t attend driving school until you are 15 years and 9 months. Don’t you think they would want you driving with a professional first? She will be fine. 6 months ago she was scared and said she didn’t want to learn to drive. Now she is very excited and wants to be driving any chance she gets.

Wednesday

DJT is no longer immune to prosecution! Before he had any political aspirations everyone I knew thought of him as a joke. I knew he was a scam artist. He got rich by borrowing money for projects, promising to pay people for their work and then refusing to pay his bills. When his creditors came after him he declared bankruptcy and kept the money. He did that 4 times for billions of dollars. When you are rich they let you do that. When he said he would run the country like one of his businesses, everyone laughed. How did he get so many people willing to kill or give their lives for him and believe him like the word of god?

When my mom couldn’t afford to pay for our house she declared bankruptcy and wasn’t allowed to do anything for seven years. She was lucky just to find someone willing to rent an apartment to us. She had to buy piece of shit cars for cash because no bank would give her a loan. Her credit is still in shambles and it’s been 30 years.

Thursday

I found part of a chicken leg bone on the floor this morning. That means my cat was eating it. I don’t know how he got it. The trash was still on top of the refrigerator. I thought he was fine because he ate some dry food now but he just barfed it back up. I don’t need my cat dying on me right now. Sorry. I had something else to write but it happened when I opened the app. Now I forget.


(the cat is fine now) My mom got all emotional and crying yesterday about the inauguration. I don’t get that heavily invested in a president. I missed everything but the end. I wasn’t home.

Friday

The past six years successively have been the six hottest years ever recorded worldwide.


I finally got Christmas right! My daughter got the Stone Temple Pilots album “Purple” in the mail after I don’t know how long I was waiting. It had been so long she almost bought it for herself in the record store the other day. She didn’t know I bought it. I tricked her into telling me she wanted it. She was so happy!

Saturday

I just wanted her to have a surprise gift that she liked.

Perpetual Motion

My daughter bought a new Big Muff pedal for her bass guitar. It was the first thing she said when I texted her this morning and she sent a picture of it. Her mom said she has been dying to tell me. She is up in her room rocking the house. I guess I lost her now. Her mom says she can hear it downstairs in the kitchen. I remember what it was like to get all excited about the guitar. She texted me an audio and I recognized the song immediately as one of the bands she got me listening to. She sounded just like it.

She also turned 15 and a half which means she can drive a car as long as she is with someone over 21 years old. I can’t believe it happened so fast. They bought her a black BMW last summer. It is a 2005 but it is in good condition. They bought it for only $800 because the owner thought the head gasket was blown. They drove it home and it turned out to be something much easier to fix than a head gasket. I am jealous! Her step dad works on motors for a living so he is quite handy. He fixes all the cars. She is going to be the coolest kid next summer! Last summer she was afraid and said she didn’t want to get her license. But now after seeing the car in the driveway and having been out driving in parking lots she is excited about it. She says she won’t be able to drive it in the snow because it is rear wheel drive. I told her about the huge rear wheel drive cars I had to drive when I was a kid. I couldn’t wait for it to snow so I could go out and do donuts. So much fun!

Tuesday

I yelled at my doctor yesterday. I asked him, what the fuck do you think I am doing over here? Having a 24 hour party? Kicking back in the sun? It’s me and my cat in the middle of fucking winter and I don’t own a car! (I hate winter!) I’m spending half the day scared to death for no good reason and the other half I’m reading the computer and watching tv at the same time to distract from the voices. I told him I fired my therapist (he already knew) and said I can’t fire him. What am I going to do? Get a new doctor who can send me to the hospital by fucking with my medications?


I don’t really have a New Year’s resolution to post less on here. I’m just having trouble functioning well enough to sit down and write. One thing I did think of as resolutionish is to try to be more positive. I know I have a lot of angry posts but a lot of the time it is my anger that inspires me to write. I have been trying to wait until I calm down before I open up the editor. For instance; the rant about my doctor could have taken up a few long paragraphs if I had written it directly after the conversation which happened yesterday.


I am getting excited about my daughter driving. She is going to be the baddest bitch (It’s a joke, we taught her not to let anyone call her a bitch) at her school next summer. Driving a sleek, black BMW with her bass guitar in the back. The car is 15 years old but still in good condition. It’s an automatic so she can’t take after me. When I was married we had a 10 year old BMW with a stick shift. I would take it out at night down the curvy, coast road and bounce the tachometer between 3 and 6,000 as I raced through the gears. It was my favorite way to blow off steam!

Wednesday

She drove herself to school today! Well, she needs an adult with her but she drove. It’s her first day back at school so I have mixed feelings with the virus happening. I can’t believe she is driving already! Like yesterday she was a tiny little Peanut strapped into the back seat. I’m so excited for her! She is going to be killing it when she gets her license this summer. She already has her own car. Nobody needs to know it cost $800. Seriously, though, where are you going to get an $800 BMW in good shape. They got lucky. It must have come from some guy with a lot of money who couldn’t be bothered to fix it. He probably just wanted it out of his yard. It didn’t even need a new engine. She will be stylin’!


I can’t believe the shit that is happening now! He gave a speech where the main theme was “we will never stop fighting” to a bunch of people he has been lying about a fraudulent election and they walked directly to the capitol building, to “not stop fighting,” and killed people and they are debating if he had anything to do with it. I’m scared because I’m not on the side that owns all the guns. Did you all see the congresswoman on television with her speech being broadcast around the world while she wore a mask that said “censored?” That is the line they are feeding the public. They are making it a freedom of speech issue. Telling them they are being silenced. Breaking into buildings and killing people is not free speech.

Thursday

The sobriety blog I follow finally posted this month after advertising last month they would be doing a “Dry January.” They did a “Dry July” and posted twice a day and inexplicably disappeared near the end of the month. They took a couple months off and only posted sporadically. I think it is funny because the blog is professional and they have links to join their “community.” I clicked the link today and it brought me to a page with a picture of a cell phone. I assume they have a sobriety app. Maybe they are too busy with the app to work on the blog. I don’t know. I’ve never contacted them. I don’t like the idea of having an app on my phone that tracks me and says I’m an alcoholic.

Friday

My fucking therapist called today like it was an ordinary missed appointment and left a voicemail to reschedule! Is she drunk? It was only last week I told her to fuck off, don’t call me back and hung up the phone twice. The second time I hung up was her calling back to ask if I wanted her to call me back today??? I told her, what did I just say? It was only a week ago. I was emphatic telling her not to call me back; twice!

Saturday

Good news! I’m going to visit my daughter Monday. They made her go back to school in person and they made some messed up schedule. They split them into two groups and they go to school two days every two days. She goes in Tuesday and Wednesday and the other group goes Thursday and Friday etc… I don’t see how jumping days around is going to fool the virus.

Quite Contrite

Thursday, January 7th 2021:

A penitent president backed down from his fiery rhetoric today. It seems the only thing he fears more than losing power is losing his social media accounts! What a loser!

I spent today texting relatives that there were really only about 500 protesters at the capitol building yesterday. Not 10,000 like the media was trying to say. They kept using close up view of the crowd to make it look like a lot of people were there but when they showed the camera from across the street you could tell it was mostly empty space. It was just a number of hardcore members and the rest just wandered over from the president’s rally. Once they were there they didn’t seem to know what to do next.

Friday

I just pulled a nutty on my therapist again. She said, “You sound frustrated.” I sound frustrated? Yes. Being lied to by my doctor and my therapist over five years just frustrates the heck out of me. I am so darn frustrated. Fuck you! I’m pissed! “It sounds like you aren’t coming from a place of trust.” Do you think? My doctor is next on Monday.

Saturday

I’ve lost my daughter. Now I’m just some weird guy who shows up on weekends. I’ve been replaced by her step father who does all the things with her that I should be doing but I can’t. She is almost 16. She has lived with him for 13 years. I was only there for 3. I can’t compete. He is there 24/7 and I am there on 1 day a week. I used to be proud of myself. My dad was a loser who abandoned me and the best thing he did for my family was die and leave a pittance. I was proud of myself for showing up every week. I spent 6 years driving an hour and a half each way. It wasn’t easy but I was there. Now I live closer and she doesn’t want me there every week. When I was married my grandfather in law would joke, You know, you can be replaced…. and laugh. But that is exactly what happened. I was replaced. The good part of it is her step dad is a good person. He does everything for the family. I don’t know what I would do if he was an asshole. Maybe I am just too emotional. I cried all night last night. I’m starting to cry right now. It’s not like I just took off on her. It wasn’t my fault I couldn’t work and support a family. I can’t drive. I can’t go places with her. I’m mental. I’m an embarrassment.

Tuesday 1/5/21 I think

I slept a couple hours in the afternoon and when I woke up the clock said 6 and it was completely dark out. I felt like I had just slept 12 hours. I got out of bed, made some coffee, wondering why the hell I was awake so early in the morning. All my clocks just said 6:00 and my watch is analog. My computer is the only clock in the house that tells AM/PM. So it certainly was 6pm Tuesday and not 6am Wednesday! Should I drink the coffee? Just kidding. I’m on my second cup! It’s been over an hour and I keep thinking it’s Morning. I’m confused! I rarely take naps and if I do it will be less than hour. I never sleep 2 hours and wake up feeling like I slept all night. It’s still stuck on me. I want to open the blinds to let the sunshine in but it is absolutely dark outside.

Wednesday

Wow! They are trying to get inside the Capitol building…

Now they are in! Nothing like this has happened before. No police in riot gear, no rubber bullets, no tear gas?

I can’t tell. It seems like they are trying to make it look like a lot more people than are actually there. Tight camera shots on the crowd but empty space behind them. Most of them look like they are hanging around.

They are sensationalizing it on the news. I’ve been watching for more than an hour and the crowd is not any bigger. At the bottom of the steps it thins out to stragglers.

They are trying to make it seem bigger than it is so you will keep watching. I see hundreds of people. Not 10,000 like they are reporting. Half of them are leaving now and the media is still hyping it up.

I told my mom to put it on C-SPAN and calm down. They are reporting the protesters are leaving. They are showing it on camera. All the protesters on the steps are facing the cameras and not trying to get into the building. They are even using the crosswalks to cross the street legally.

Earlier I saw the views from inside where some of the protesters were “breaching” the capitol. Most of them taking videos with their cell phones. Maybe 20 people.

It’s going to be over soon. As soon as these people find out there is no place to use the bathroom.

What a joke he was!

A Literary View

Normal Heading Here

I’d like to say I am the most normal here. But it sometimes takes me so long to type, I forget what I am typing about. I take a drink of water and try to forget but it never comes to me. Not really. I wish I had it all together. I’m f’ing tripping my balls off since before Thanksgiving! But it’s not like I’m taking drugs, I mean I’m figuring shit out I never imagined before!!! WTF am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to sound, sound when I have been invalidated? What defense do I have when I am not to be believed?

What else would a well behaved man do on the 4th of the year? I don’t know? What if a lot of people you trusted turned out to be lying to you and it had a large affect over your life?


I can’t believe it’s after midnight and I have to prove myself.

I don’t know who knows where I am from but have you ever been judged, solely on you’re accent? I have a deep NH no matter how I try to disguise it.


I don’t know what to do? I feel like I’m failing all the time. I’m freaking most of the time people think I am being normal! I got to such extremes! The littleness shit can make me freak out for days And these people ask me questions on the phone and determine my fate from my answers? WTF? Again? You know they are calling many people per day. But, But, But, they don’t have to treat you like a piece of shit when you do talk live?


You don’t know what these meds do to you! I took my night to get up early to see my daughter. For some strange reason I woke up a few hours later and it was dark and I thought I didn’t take my dark meds and took them again but it was too late; I was completely awake!


You don’t know when it will happen. You don’t know who will say what? But sometimes a small phrase will be the ultimate!!! No, I’m not eating anything special. Anyone can do it when they piece the puzzle together. I am demonstrably ignorant of what they pulled on me but I can’t see it any other way now!


I still don’t know what day it is. Now I know because I looked! It’s wicked early Mundee if you haven’t guessed my accent. I bought radishes but they are pretty spicy.


Of course I’m not imagining the pearly gates. lol I could barely spell it! It’s just what am I in line for? 43 best schizophrenic in the world? Wouldn’t that be weird if I did push that shit on you? The DSM? Do you feel like being diagnosed? There is definitely a medication for it! They tell you, you are better for it!