No Apologies

It took me all weekend to write my last post and I finally figured out why… The story didn’t culminate until 6am this morning. I got in the part about my daughter picking me up early to go to her brother’s flag football game. That is what got me started. It was fun! It was exciting! No, not just because I was manic. (Which I was) I was the quietest person there. But I love that kid! He knows he is good but he has low confidence. He is a talented artist, but I think he gave up drawing because his twin is a phenom. L=== has her own thing going on, It seems like he thinks he is the only kid in the family without a talent. But his talent is his athleticism. Back at the house I told him, what the other coach said and I described all the plays he made in detail, (the ones I saw), I showed him what I texted my mom during the game about, I keep trying to text her but every time I looked down at my phone, everyone starts yelling his name!

Then my daughter tripped me out on the ride home… Listening to Hendrix, and taking all the back roads I used to drive.

Back at her house I was getting more excited, my mom showed up, first time I have seen her since Covid. All the kids lover her.. Everyone is talking at once… Five freakin’ dogs! They love me too! Roxanne, glued to me, how does this dog remember me? I haven’t been there since July.

Portsmouth… Bigger than life! I haven’t been in years and it is better than I remember. We are doing all the same shit I did when I sixteen with my best friend, but she wants to show me the town like she is the one who discovered it. The first place she brought us was Bullmoose Music. I used to go there looking for old vinyl and now she is there for the old CD’s. I feel so lucky she wants to share her life with me!

She takes us on a tour of the consignment shops. (I wrote about the girl of my dreams… There is more to that story) I can’t believe I found the only dress she liked in the entire shop. She went through every rack. I really wanted to buy it for her because I wanted an excuse to talk to the owner.

I kept kicking myself, she says she loves my t-shirt, where did I get it? I can’t remember the name of the fucking place online! I know the name, it is the only place I buy shirts online. I tell her I like it because you type in a word or phrase or band name and if an artist has created anything related, it shows you the choices. You can choose from a million colors and they don’t print the shirt until you order it. Obviously I typed, “Breathe” and chose blue for this one. I have another good one, “Eat Your Vegetables” but the pink color looked more faded online. When I got it, it was the hottest pink you have ever seen! (Fuck!) Why can’t I remember the name? (I didn’t drop any “F-bombs” in there)

[ If you want to understand the thrill and excitement I was feeling, refer to “An Unquiet Mind” by Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison, she gives a better account than I. ]

We visited one more consignment shop and she went straight for the rings. She has good taste in rings. She has a silver filigree and a silver bee on a flower. She is asking me which one to get and I tell her both of them. She tried to put her own cash on the counter but I wouldn’t let her. She said she didn’t want me to spend all my money on her. I said, I like to buy you things. I know, but… I said, L===, I’m not paying for the dress and the rings, I”m paying for the experience, earlier you said you wanted to try the Indian restaurant, if we had gone there, I would have dropped a 100 bucks there. This is the most fun I’ve had in a long time… If I’m home I’ll spend the money on stupid shit I don’t need, 20 bucks at Panera, 20 bucks at Walmart, you know?

We were driving down Islington St., leaving town, and my mind is really flying… I’m quiet but inside I’m thinking, “Fuck this shit! They want me to forget all my good times? I’m gonna die soon… I’ve been here 3 hours and I had more fun than I had all summer! I’m taking an Uber back here tonight! (This is called “Euphoric recall” and it is dangerous for me… I remember all the good times I had partying and being manic but I forget all the horrible shit but I had already made up my mind.)

“Back at her mom’s house, we were sitting on the porch, and I’m trying to explain the last two months in two seconds! N=== says, “You are wicked fucking manic! You have been like this since June.” I try to slow down… Later she asks me if I”m drunk? “I didn’t go to a bar with my mom and L===, today!” (But I felt like I was drunk! Even now I remember it as if I was drunk but I didn’t drink until later.) We had a lot of friction a few years ago when I was doing this… She was getting pissed because she thought I was visiting my daughter while drunk.

L=== asks if she can give me a ride home. On the way, she puts in the Blind Melon CD, I told her, I think I got all of my crying out last week, now I am enjoying it. She is singing along. I keep remember the song by Cake though, she was sing that earlier, “As soon as you’re born you start dyin’, so you might as well have a good time… ” It’s been stuck in my head for four fucking days! But all the songs and all my writings and all my words are coming back to haunt me!

[Something, something, blur] I’m texting L=== in the middle of the night, asking if she noticed what happened in the store? Isn’t it weird, she asked me if I wanted her to email or text a receipt? (Okay, now I know stores always try to get your number, but I was convinced) I texted my daughter, the Grace Jones scene where her eyes lit up when I said, I had the hugest crush on her, and she said, “I STILL have the hugest crush on her!” etc… My daughter gave that a thumbs up. I went through my phone, I was still coherent at that time. I text my mom, Same thing… She didn’t notice anything… What the hell were they doing? They were standing there the whole time?

I remember flashes, I keep going back to my story, trying to find the perfect lyrics to match. Each time it is a new song and the story changes and I know why, I had my foot on the brake but I was still rumbling! I should not be allowed on the internet when I am like this! I looked up the website to the store and found the contact form and started writing crazy shit. I only remember, the first one, I apologized for forgetting my manners and not asking her name and on and on.. I hope I didn’t send too many emails. I know it was at least two… I was all over the place, contacting everyone. If anyone reading this got any crazy emails this weekend, no you know why… I put the brakes on, by deleting addresses but probably too late. I’m not sure what I wrote. But my most well received poem on here, I wrote in a blackout, “Forgive and let yourself live.” I woke up and the document was still open on my desktop. I”m not glorifying it. I rarely write while I am drinking because it’s not good writing. I have no idea where that came from but I’m not looking to make it a habit.

The worst was sometime Sunday, I sat at the computer and saw google was open to a Real Estate agent in California and I remember thinking I had to make the call and I did and she answered and I guess I tried explain my (???) She was not impressed.

Late night Sunday, I try to rewrite the post twice (looked through my phone and had 20 barely intelligible texts to N===, Nothing bad, I remember seeing the words, “overwhelmed, happiest, Luckiest” but most of it I had no idea. WTF? she is going to be pissed at me) and gave up and just hit Publish. Didn’t sleep.

Monday: Gotta stop! I stopped Sunday afternoon I believe. Now I’m back to trashing myself again. Do I really hate myself so much I don’t believe I deserve my daughter’s love, I have the best day ever and I ruin myself? I text N===, saying, I wasn’t drunk at your house, L===, keeps playing that song, ‘soon as your born… So I got drunk but that is not a good time for me… (Still no reply) Good thing, I forgot about Uber. Luckily, I must have remembered, Portsmouth used to be fun but not a good idea. Calling myself all the names. This was the same thing when I joined SMART, the first meeting I asked the guy do I commit to never drinking and if I do drink, I”m a failure and a loser, etc..? Or do I do the “everyone makes mistakes” route and give myself an excuse? He said it sounds like you need to work on Unconditional Self Acceptance.

Makes sense, it sounds like me, I read what it is, but they don’t tell you how to do it. I got pissed at them a couple weeks ago and quit because I was in bed grieving the loss of my daughter and they are talking about Acceptance. Fuck you, the point of life isn’t to “endure suffering” so I can stay alive until tomorrow, to do it some more with a bunch of assholes tomorrow! And, “The opposite of addiction is connection”, I don’t feel a connection to these people.

I shut down Zoom, I got drunk but also did some positive things, I believe were healthier than lying in bed crying. But I could have done that without the alcohol.

I guess I really should try getting back into meetings but I can’t get one all day.. Around 7pm I do and the topic? Unconditional Life Acceptance! Some guy is saying he finally got sober when he got that. But I can’t wrap my head around it. I can’t forgive myself for all this fucked up shit… I’ve got some evil in me, right?

I log out, and come up with the idea to search for books on the topic on my Hoopla app. I found a few and fav’ed them to check later, but one of them I had already borrowed… When? It shows I listened to the first chapter and stopped. I probalby didn’t like it but the description sounded okay. (“Unconditional Self Acceptance” by Cheri Huber) I go to the beginning and hit play. It is like she is talking directly to me, listened to half and it was like a 3 hour therapy session, childhood emotional conditioning, slips into a guided visualization, think of an emotion, where do you feel it in your body? What would it feel like if it didn’t have a label? More little lectures, a guided imagery, picture four people in your life, I knew she was talking about my childhood, picture them acting in a typical manner, I had the four people as soon as she said it and she went through one by one. Okay, I already knew a lot of this but it really makes sense the question she is asking and the thought and feeling she is suggesting I imagine. It is starting to make sense. I”m not saying I’ve found redemption but I felt a lot better all night.

I texted my daughter at 3am, “I just heard something it mad me think when I apologized for crying the first time you played Galaxie for me in the car. I don’t want to teach you to apologize for your emotions. The way I was taught. However you feel is the right way to feel. I was so happy when you said, it’s okay, I’m glad it makes you cry.

I stayed awake until 6am until she gave me a “heart”, and I got up to finish the story.

Pleasant Valley Sunday

Robot Brain

“You’re not as messed up as you think you are
Your self-absorption makes you messier.
Just settle down and you would feel a whole lot better.
Deep down you’re just like everybody else”

“Reasons not to be an Idiot” Frank Turner

It happened again! I woke up to my alarm. 8:45 but it was only supposed to be a reminder. I never sleep that late. I just wanted to catch that zoom meditation. I got a text from my daughter from 7am asking if I want to do something today. Yes, that would be great! Cool, I wasn’t too late. I don’t really have time to do the meditation session. No time? What else am I going to do? It starts out with gratitude then they hit me over the head with self acceptance! All I said to the guy was how excited I am about my daughter doing so well. When I read about self acceptance it sounded overwhelming. I can’t do that. Can’t? That sounds like negative self talk. Maybe I should hit that first. Broke it down into small steps and found out I already have the tools for that. The more people talked about it I realized I misunderstood self acceptance. I am already starting that, I just didn’t know it.

I don’t care, I’m so happy about my daughter. She could do anything she wants today and she picked me. I knew I had plenty of time but I didn’t really because I couldn’t get anything started. Back and forth, back and forth, I still haven’t done anything. I’m feeling like I’m getting ready for a first date. What should I wear? Um…. A tshirt? Slow down.

I keep thinking, I don’t see her very much anymore. I gotta say this, I gotta say that to be a good dad. Finally, I said, chill the fuck out. I already said something really great yesterday. I’m not worried about you, you make good decisions, keep doing what you are doing. It was better than that. I didn’t make it sound like I was saying it just because she’s my kid so of course she is the best.

I was right, she rolled up in her 2005 black on black, power everything, BMW, Cake was blasting out the window, I got in and she tilted the bag towards me and asked me if I wanted “the perfect bagel?” Sure. “This guy has the best words.” I pointed at the CD player. “Actually, this is the perfect bagel.”, “It’s asiago with garlic and herb cream cheese. Can we get to Salisbury if we go to the right?”

We shot the shit on the way to the thrift store in Salisbury. She knows them all. She asked to see the rings. She wears a lot of them. She picked up the best one but didn’t want it. I kept pointing it out while she looked through the rest. She found a two finger ring and I told her she has to get that one. She picked a couple more and the woman working there soft voiced me, “She has the rings?” I nodded, “Yeah”, like I brought my daughter in to klepto $11 worth of jewelry. The perfect heist!

She said she needed a new receiver. Hipster, looking for 40 year old electronics in a thrift shop. The place was pretty cool, though. “We’re lucky my mom isn’t here she would buy all 20 of these lamps.”, “I didn’t know she likes lamps.”,”Yeah, just because something is old and broken doesn’t make it an ‘antique'”.

Another little thing happened. The only new thing in the store. Sneakers. Never worn. The only thing I need right now. My style, plain, I don’t look like I think I’m a pro athlete or about to skateboard. I don’t even need to look to know they are my size. I hold them up to her, “Eleven”, 5 bucks, sold! I walk around the corner, someone had just laid a pair of pants on top of the rack. I like those, I wonder if… My size! Sold, 5 bucks.

I find my daughter, she doesn’t think it’s so exciting. This woman…. She’s just my type, I don’t have a type, but, yeah, she’s just my type. My daughter asks if I like something. Not really, you like this? The woman is standing right next to me. I don’t care. It’s a small store. I’m there with my daughter anyway. We walk away and my daughter is going through another rack. The woman is right on my elbow again, sifting through. I don’t know, I’m not out with my daughter Sunday afternoon trying to meet women in a thrift store. But the way things are happening. Whatever, stop being a stranger.

My daughter carefully checked out a bunch things but put them back and we were still talking about this and that. Then she grabbed a weird pair of pink pajama bottoms without looking really looking at them and said she was ready to go. Really? Okay. We went towards the register and my fantasy woman was walking out the door with her boyfriend. Okay, good.

We got out to the car and She puts Chris Cornell in the CD Player. I’m like, “Oh, come on!”, “What, I can’t like this?”, “No, I like him.” I know she is Retro but these two particular bands? She took a wrong turn and pulled into a trailer community to go back. I told her she was going to get a ticket because the people put up a sign saying it is electronically surveilled by police. Like people are dying to go into their dump. She said, like it’s illegal to get lost.

We drove past the place and I asked her if I should start playing bingo? “NO! You’re old but you’re not a hundred!” I know, I’m not going to start playing bingo, I just mean, I’m too old to hang out with the people I want and too young for bingo and I don’t want to hang out in a bar with people my age who also have a drinking problem. I had fun in the thrift store. Did you see anyone like me in there? So, lot’s of old people shop in thrift stores. I know, but you know?

Started talking about coffee and other until we got back to my place. I told her thanks so much for taking me out on the town. I am so happy now. Of course I told her I love her.

Later her mom texted, She is so happy right now. I told her what I texted her yesterday and why. She stresses herself out so much, I just want her to give herself some credit. She does all the right things. We don’t put any pressure on her to get the best grades or anything. I know, me too.

The reason I freaked out when she quit her job wasn’t because oh no she’ll be whatever? It’s no big deal, she’s just a kid. It’s because working in a thrift store was her first choice. That’s what she likes. Her favorite part was dressing the mannequins. She just didn’t like the people being assholes to each other. Every business is around here is begging to hire people for more money and set your own hours. She doesn’t want to work at McDonald’s or the grocery store. I don’t want to tell her that is what most jobs are like.

She has just always had a strong sense of self and what she likes or not and what she thinks is right and wrong. When she was in first grade they had a halloween parade at school. That morning her mom had 2 costumes for her to choose from and she would not do it. She pitched a fit! Her mom gave up and sent her to school. When she picked her up after the little parade, she asked, “Did you feel weird being the only kid without a costume?” She said, “But mama, I was wearing my hair clip, I never wear my hair clip. That was my costume.”

One More Try?

J— wakes me as she crawls out of bed.
It’s eight o’clock on a Saturday morning and my head is pounding.
She leaves for work and I am glad she has an obligation that takes her away from me.
I open a beer and light a cigarette.
There’s a knock at the door and I think how I am lucky by five minutes.
I open the front door wearing my boxers; I knew she was coming.
“Do you still want to do what we talked about last night?”
“What’s that?” I ask, half playing dumb.
She walks past me into the bedroom.
We have nothing to say before taking off our clothes, but we’re slow and cautious and tentative and halfway through we stop.
There is no salvaging this relationship.
Embarrassed, she dresses quickly and leaves.
It is the last time I will see her
I finish my beer with another cigarette and smile at the wall until I sleep.

School Daze

Robot Brain

Monday, the 14th day of June: Tomorrow is the last day of school for my daughter. Next week it her 16th birthday. It goes by so fast. There were some extra people at her house yesterday. It was hot so we went on the beach. It was my first time this year. I didn’t go in the water. Too cold. We were all having a good time until the earwigs started crawling on people. I guess they made a nest in the beach chairs this spring. Gross. Now we might have to burn the chairs.

Wednesday: I am still talking about last Sunday. I knew my cousin in law would be there with her 2 kids. I like them all and I was happy to see them. I haven’t seen K____ in a couple years. I will always remember her as a toddler. I am blown away that she is in college now. How did 20 years go by so fast. She spent a lot of time at our house when she was a toddler. She was fascinated by me. Her eyes would follow me everywhere. When she got old enough to talk she would ask me to sit next to her at dinner and slide a chair next to me. Then my daughter was born and she got jealous. She would wait until she thought nobody was watching and knock my daughter to the floor. I met her mom shortly after I met my wife. We are maybe 15 years apart in age. Her son is in grade school and is very shy but he always smiles and waves when I say hi.

Thursday: I talked to my doctor yesterday on the phone. I yelled at him asking, Did you seriously tell me to take Benadryl for my leg pain? And told him what happened. He stopped me halfway through, wait a minute, wait a minute. We decided against that and you were going to raise your dose of benztropine and see if that worked. I was completely confused because after my Benadryl blackout I went online and figured out I wasn’t taking an effective dose of benztropine myself and made the change. I had no memory of the two of us talking about it! I was even more confused because why would I hang up the phone and walk to the store for Benadryl (which I hate) when I had plenty of benztropine sitting right there in my bedroom and I wasn’t against taking it?

It doesn’t matter. I took it myself and waited the 3 days for it to build up in my system and on the 4th day my legs didn’t hurt. But… I couldn’t go to the bathroom. I knew exactly what it was because I had the same reaction to a med before. I gave it a few days and still nothing. This is never a problem for me. I decided to give it a week. A couple days later my legs started hurting worse than ever. Fuck that, I’m not adding side effects to my regimen and I ceased the benztropine. The next day 6 days worth of food and drink came out of me!

He asked if I wanted him to read his notes and I said no, I believe you but I cannot understand why I did that with no memory of our conversation. I’m baffled. I am really out of options when it comes to anti-psychotics. I have been on all of them almost. I feel trapped.

Friday: Oh, don’t drink, they say. We got meds that’ll fuck you up way more than alcohol. I never took my meds consistently for long periods of time. If I didn’t like something, that was the end of it. I would fuck up sometimes and know I have to get back on them but it was up to me if I felt better. These past 2 years they been up my ass about, “Don’t miss a dose” , ” Are you taking your meds?” Every time I talk to someone. I don’t know, I was thinking, My brain is pretty fucked up, I’ll listen to tthem. So I’m going along not missing a dose. Finally I figured out the Sapphris was fucking me up and stopped taking it. The next day, all this horrible shit stopped. Sapphris started the akathisia. It was much worse then but I didn’t notice cause I was concerned with the uncontrollable rage I had every day. The drug was fucking up my brain and I couldn’t make simple connections. I knew I needed 8 hours after a dose for the roid rage and the leg thrashing to go away but couldn’t do the math, you know? The day after I stopped, I’m thinking, what the fuck? Am I stupid? But why would I call my psychiatrist because my legs hurt? Wouldn’t you call your physician?

Now my doctor talking about paradoxical reactions. Yeah, no shit! They list a ton of side effects but none of them said I would turn into the incredible hulk and want to destroy every morning. I didn’t get a chance to tell him I’m quitting it. So I did it myself. Then the Trazadone. You go in the behavioral health unit and everyone gets trazadone every night. Doesn’t matter if you been prescribed or not. You are now. They want every one in bed and quiet all night. I’m the only one not sleeping. Lying there waiting for first light. Slipping down to the nurses station at 5am. “Can I get some coffee, please?” “Okay, but don’t make any noise”, I kicked the trazadone a few months ago and I”ve been sleeping 7 hours a night. I couldn’t dream of that before. I fall asleep without any aid unless the akathisia keeps me up. Fucking paradoxical effects. I thought it went away with the Sapphris but I was just sleeping through my legs jumping. Oh, don’t miss a dose… Are you taking all your meds?

Daughter’s 16 birthday next week. I don’t know if I fucked up by ordering a flower arrangement. Getting delivered the day before in case she gets embarrassed, I don’t want anyone to be there. She has never been into “girl” things. She started picking her own clothes in kindergarten. It was all pants and sneakers. She would pitch a fit if her mom tried to put a dress on her. When she was 8 I was asking people what to get her for her birthday. They would say get her a doll. A doll? Are you kidding me? If she liked dolls I wouldn’t be asking everyone what to get.

I looked on the florist’s website and saw small set up served in a large, yellow, ceramic coffee cup, shaped and painted like a smiley face emoji. I called and told the guy what I was looking for and asked him what he thought. He picked out the same arrangement. I stressed 3 times, it can’t have any pink flowers in it. She has an issue with the color pink.

I didn’t want to give her cash for her 16 so I asked her mom. N____ said she wants cash, she is saving for a new bass guitar. That makes it easy.

Don’t Touch Me There!

Heart colored pencils

It was her idea to meet at Barnes and Noble, which is a large chain bookstore with a Starbucks inside. It started out well as we both drove into the crowded parking lot at the same time. I’m not sure what she wanted to do there at night. Drink coffee and talk about books? I’m capable but it’s not my idea of a fun date.

We got our coffees at the counter and turned to walk to a table. On the way I turned and said to her, this isn’t really my style, do you want to go next door to the 99 and have a couple drinks. She said, Yeah, so we tossed our full and still hot coffees into the trash and walked out.

The 99 is another chain store. It has a restaurant and bar inside. We went in and had a few drinks and laughed a lot. This was more my style. I think the low light sets a better mood than a brightly lit bookstore.

She had driven us over to the 99 parking lot which was right next to the bookstore. (I wonder if they planned it that way) She drove us back and parked next to my car. We stayed in her car for a bit.

While we were there she told me a story of going on a date with another man and he had put his hand on her thigh and she was horrified by it. She kept telling me the story as we sat in her car. She repeated the story of him grabbing her thigh at least 4 times. I got the point, I wasn’t going to grab her thigh. There didn’t seem to be any danger because we were both just sitting there talking.

Then she asked if I like to kiss. Of course I like to kiss. So we started kissing; a lot. After a while I got to the point where I would usually bring my hands into the action. Probably reaching for her thigh. But I was confused. Why did she tell me that story several times? Did she really not want me to take it further? Was it just that one particular guy she didn’t want touching her. I decided to play it safe and not let my hands roam.

Her phone buzzed after about an hour of this. She picked it up and read the text. She said it was her roommate and her dog was sick and had to go to the animal hospital. But she said it with no inflection or concern in her voice. I realized later it was her bail out text from a friend giving her an excuse to end the date. It didn’t seem right because we were enjoying herself. Maybe I should have went for her thigh.

The next day I texted her and she told me she was sorry but she has a boyfriend. That didn’t make sense to me at all. Was it even true? Was she taking me on a test drive to see if I was better than this boyfriend. I was confused again. I never saw her after that.

What do you think? Should I have made a move while kissing her?

The Case of the Missing Earring

Heart colored pencils

After I found it on the bedroom floor I sent her a joking text. I know you left your earring here just so you would have an excuse to come back. She lol’d and said, No, idc, it’s not worth anything anyway. It was only supposed to be a hookup. We emailed, it was fine, texted, fine, phone calls, fine, had sex, fine, the next day, not so fine. I was minding my own business and she called at night ranting about everyone she talked to that day.

I suppose I should shorten the story by telling you what it took me a couple weeks to find out. She was taking a day’s worth of Adderal all at once to get through her night shift job. Then when it kicked in she would call me and bitch about her day while she drove to work. She had a problem with everyone she met. It reminded me of the old saying, “If you meet 3 assholes in 1 day, chances are you are the 4th.”

The night we hooked up was funny. I knew she was busy with 2 kids and working. I knew she had the night off finally so I texted her to see what she was doing. She told me she had been driving around looking at Christmas lights. She was only 10 minutes from my place. I said, duh, shouldn’t you be at my house? She told me to give her an hour and she showed up around 3am.

The next day she texted me a few and it was normal until the phone call. There was no conversation. It was just her on a rant. This went on for a couple of weeks without me being able to see her in person again. In that time I found out about the Adderal and also she had a restraining order and court case coming up because she bit her ex boyfriend during a fight the previous month. My libido was starting to cool off. Every night between 6:30 and 7 I was on the phone listening to her bitch. I didn’t know what to do.

Finally she broke me one day. She did it by texting me out of nowhere. She was saying how she felt like such a bad mom because her son told her he was depressed and she didn’t know what to do about it. I asked her where her son was and said maybe she should talk to him about it. She told me he was sitting right next to her on the couch. I couldn’t believe it. I had plenty of women text me before while the were spending time with their kids which bothers me a bit but never in the middle of a major problem. I told her to put the phone down and talk to her son.

It was after this text and another week of pre-work phone calls, I could do it anymore. I said, Listen, I didn’t sign up for this. We were only supposed to be hooking up, I am in no condition to be someone’s sole emotional support system. I was surprised. She took it well for someone with such a bad temper.

It wasn’t until a few days later she got back to me. She sent an email. Now she wanted the earring back. Let me tell you. When she said it wasn’t worth anything, she was right. It looked like something you would get out of a gumball machine for 25 cents. She wanted me to mail it to her. I had no problem with that. For the price of a stamp I would be free.

The next day I had it ready to drop in the letterbox. She sent me another email laying out instructions on how I was supposed to send it. She told me to wrap it up in something soft so it wouldn’t break and to make sure I had the right address, etc… I wish she had put as much care into her kids as she did worrying about this little bauble.

That was it. After a month of letting her run roughshod over me, I was finally angry about it. Something so stupid set me off. Before her detailed instructions I had already prepared the earring for the mail in exactly the manner she said. It didn’t take a genius to figure it out. I did what any sensible person would do. I picked up the envelope with the correct address written on it and walked out the door, down the stairs, across the parking lot and tossed the whole lot into the dumpster. Way over the top and into the bottom where it would never be found.

[Postscript] I have never met a person who took Adderal and did not abuse it. And I have met plenty. Think about that before you let a doctor prescribe it to your kid. It is pure amphetamine. (That’s speed)