“So why dispute me and waste my time?
Because you really think the price is high for me
I can’t look without being watched, no!
You rang my buy before I made up my mind
“Free Your Mind” En Vogue
I started to write this post Friday/Saturday around 4am. It was going to be a huge rant about some guy I don’t even know and I’m sure doesn’t remember me who I allowed to piss me off. I know I can’t control other people’s actions but this summer I have been working on controlling my reactions. You can see I still need to work on it as I am still trying to rant about it now and it is Monday morning. I am getting really good at it except when someone crosses my boundaries. I am glad I stopped myself because my reaction was out of proportion. He has no idea about my boundaries. I had a 3,000 word post written in my head describing every detail of who, what, where, when and why plus more imagined details about his life so I could get even more pissed. The whole time I knew I should stop and I was trying to stop. I forced myself to lie down and put an hour long relaxation meditation on the television. It calmed me but when it was over I got back up and started again. Fuck it! Another hour long video! I finally fell asleep around six am. (Look at me… I still want to veer off into those 3,000 words!)
It is something that has really been bugging me because I solved the problem when I was 18-20 years old but I can’t remember how. I didn’t like how people could push my buttons and send me through the roof. Some people would do it on purpose for laughs. I had it figured but it became an issue again a few years ago. I just didn’t realize it until now.
My phone alarm went off at quarter to nine (08:45) to remind me of my Zoom meditation. I didn’t set my alarm to quarter to his dumb ass. (22:Dumb Ass) Two months ago I was afraid to download Zoom and when I first heard of meditating with a group online I thought, How the fuck is that supposed to happen? I could not picture myself even trying it and now I’m wishing they did more sessions. It’s not even the meditation. Half the time when they shut off the cameras and mute the microphones I get up and make tea, eat an apple, take a piss, whatever? Sometimes I do the whole meeting. I enjoy it. I like the group (Community Mindfulness Project) because they are science based. But what I like most about it is the people. I think the most I’ve seen at one session was eight. It’s not the same people all the time but there are a few that I see a lot. But what do I have in common with them besides meditation. Like I said, that’s why I am there but not really. I can do that just as well on my own.
What do I have in common with the main coordinator who is a younger woman with a masters in neuroscience. Apparently a lot. Or the retired creative writing teacher who looks like he just rolled out of bed after a drunk? I guess that one makes sense. But what about the older black woman who I think may be homeless? Maybe not but she is always outside in whatever city with her camera on a selfie stick. We’ve had a couple great talks. I guess that one might make sense too. The other day it was just me, the scientist and someone I didn’t think we would get along. When it was done we talked for twenty minutes. I have more in common with them and feel better after than I do with the people in the online addiction meetings. (OMG… I still want to vent about it)
Saturday morning after the meditation I started getting pissed the night before again. Stop! I pulled out a piece of paper I use to write a plan of action when I am ruminating because I know that is a major factor in getting myself all angry. I only have a few and the plan of action is always the same. “Take no action.” But then I thought, there is an action I can take. Work on my reaction. I thought my biggest hurdle would be self acceptance but now acceptance of others has been popping up. I read some about it and the advice was let it go, forget about it, ignore it. I figured that, but how do I do it? It worked when I was younger. I read something helpful which was, “Accepting something doesn’t mean you have to like it” But if I accept it but still don’t like it. Aren’t I allowed to get a little mad? Is it healthy to just squash it? Something I still have to work on.
Then I was like, Fuck this shit! I know what the real problem is now. Back in June when I set my priorities and all the parts of my life I had to attend to in order to keep them straight; making myself go outside as much as possible on every nice day, bicycling or walking or whatever. That was for exercise, fresh air, sunshine and nature to help my mood and mental health; things I do every summer. It was easy because I was manic but somehow it turned into, “I’m going to screw up all my priorities.” I reset my mind on the plan and thought I got back on track but it still wasn’t right. I was still getting out every nice day but I was getting upset because nothing miraculous was happening to suddenly transform my life. What miracle was I expecting? That wasn’t part of the plan. The plan was each day I go out I feel a little better.
A week ago I started getting depressed but bouncing back and forth. I was actually praying for a rainy day so I wouldn’t have to go out and come home depressed. Friday it was finally cloudy and yes, I can stay home! But I still went out for a walk. I don’t know how or why… I remember telling myself to stay inside. I knew it was making me feel worse, I still did it. It was the worst walk of the year. I got back home thinking why did I do that? It’s not helping anymore. Time to change the plan. I’m feeling suicidal. I wanted to get drunk. I didn’t want to get drunk. I just wanted to stop feeling so horrible and slow the fuck down! Luckily I had reset my brain on that subject also. “You think you feel bad now? Imagine how you will feel when you wake up 4 days from now still feeling like this with a hangover on top of it, looking through your devices to see what you did… and flashes of saying crazy shit to people you don’t even know?”
Oh yeah, back to Saturday morning and fuck this shit. My mom texted and said the Red Sox play at 4:20. I know what the problem is. I haven’t taken a day off in months. Take the day off! Watch the game. Nothing! No going outside, no writing 3, 4 hours a day. Watch the game. You know what? Football is on all day tomorrow, take Sunday off too. All summer long I’ve been telling people to relax and cut themselves some slack but I haven’t been taking my own advice.
I know what you are thinking. (Because I can read your minds) A guy on disability has to take a day off? From what? I’m telling you. I was not resting. I remember the past couple weeks, doing shit all day then supposed to chill at night. No, I’m up, I got 14 tabs open on the computer, my tablet propped up against the monitor with whatever shit going on, typing 2,000 word blogs, while I’m writing 4 more posts in my head, I don’t write on the computer, I just type as fast as I can before I forget anything; getting irritated if I have to go back because I skipped something or have to reword it or didn’t correct a misspelling or change the grammar, switching to my offline journal or one of my lists or notes and don’t forget the pen and paper. And why the fuck does my mother keep texting me about baseball!? Okay, I turned the game on hours ago; it’s on mute to my left; they are winning.
(Saturday) My mother was was texting me about baseball because at the beginning of the season I got her into the Red Sox again because I was texting her the play by play. I don’t even care about baseball. I was just doing it to get through my anxiety and then the beginning of my upswing. It just turned out they had a really good team this year and they were exciting because almost every game you never who was going to do something great. All the players are great. She was texting me because they look like they are on the way to another World Series and I just missed them beat the Yankees in a one game do or die to get into the playoffs and I missed them beating Tampa in the first round! It’s not like the end of the world but I do like it. Somehow I cook dinner too.
[Aside] It reminds me of when I first started online dating and I would tell women I was on disability for bipolar. Some would be concerned and play 20 questions, worried if I’m violent some shit. (I’m not) But, so many times a woman’s first concern was, “What do you do all day?” What do I do all day? What do I do all day? What the fuck do you do all day? You are supposed to be doing your job but you have time to cruise dating sites and text me every two seconds. What do I do all day? “Whatever it takes to make it through the day.” I would say. Sometimes that would be the end of the conversation. [But I digress]
I shut down the computer and turned on the television. I couldn’t believe it! For the first time in I don’t know how long I was calm for more than a few hours in a row. I did try to watch Friday nights’ game and they lost. Doesn’t matter, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Saturday they crushed it! Last thing I remember was August and the whole team was in a slump. After holding first place all season they slipped down two spots. Now they look like the team I was telling my mom about months ago. Not only did they win in good fashion, they also pulled another one; the first team to hit two grand slams in one playoff game. Ever…. In 100 and whatever years of baseball. (Okay, so now I’m not so calm, but not too bad.)
[I’m getting worked up again. I’m looking at the clock and trying to type faster like I have a deadline. I don’t even have to finish this today.]
Saturday night I broke the rules and posted a poem. But it was only a copy and paste job. I couldn’t help it! It was all a dream. It meant something at the time.
Okay, I broke the rules Sunday morning too. I didn’t let myself sleep in, I set my alarm for another meditation. My mom texted football at 09:00 because the Dolphins were playing in London. Cool, it really is football all day. Think again! Halfway through I mute the t.v. and put on some music and I’m rifling through my papers trying to find to find the first draft of the first chapter of the book I’m never going to write. That is what I posted yesterday. I called it “Wet Dreams” trying to be funny but I already have a good title; “Adventures in Vagrancy” but I need really good opening line. It might not be the first chapter. Again, it seemed important at the time. I tell a lot of stories but I have never told that one. Like I just found out I only have a couple months left to live or something. I was reminded of it when I wrote the story last week about Joie and I getting let off a big hook by a cop who could have cuffed us and stuffed us! It was the first day I got depressed and I was going to type some really gruesome shit. Luckily that scene popped into my head and I sublimated.
Back to Sunday. The Patriots lost to the Cowboys but it was worth it. Friggin’ game was nuts! Even Romo who was calling the game and used to play quarterback for the Cowboys and is their biggest fan was getting excited about the Patriots. He didn’t care who won, he didn’t want the game to end. Maybe I didn’t take the weekend off. I was having some serious euphoric recall. After typing the story in the morning and the game in late afternoon, I caught myself and did a half hour breathing video. I could still catch the second half of the game and it was the best. There was still another game to go after that but I don’t like either team so I shut it down. I ate some good food and cooked and ate dinner late and went to my bedroom. Made it through the weekend!
Now I’m back at work! I’m slowing myself down now. Up early but made myself stay in bed. Started with another breathing. I haven’t had coffee for a while. I didn’t want to make my own so I went to the store. I was wondering why the Green Mountain in the dispenser looked so watery and noticed they had 6 new carafes. Labels, Pumpkin Spice, etc… “Eye Opener?” I must investigate. It had a long description but all I saw was, “A sinfully dark coffee with…” Sold! On the walk home I wrote the poem I posted earlier. (Guess who is on my mind) I texted my daughter before school. I stayed away from trying to give her a life lesson. Sometimes she just likes to know I’m there. My mom woke up just in time. She liked the coffee story.
I did have a good one for my daughter. I said, It’s not even Halloween and people are already creaming their jeans over xmas. She thought that was funny so I told her, I remember you were 8 and went on a huge rant when we drove by some xmas trees before thanksgiving. You had my mom and I cracking up!
Now here I am. I think I’m doing pretty good. This is coming from a man whose sanity check is, “Can I care for a cat?” Food, water and de-shitted the litter box all summer… So what do you think? I think I stressed him out. He is tired of taking care of me. He had been acting weird the past few nights, keeping me half awake walking circles around my head and over my chest and talking all night. When he does sleep, he crams himself behind the coffee maker and doesn’t look very comfortable. He never gets on the counter when I am awake so I don’t know. I’ve been pretty quiet and calm and giving him extra attention when he is awake. He has done this a few times in his 8 years.
When I started this blog I used to check my stats like crazy, then I had to take a break last winter/spring and when I came back I rarely looked. I used to be afraid to post more than twice a week but when I got back into it I posted almost every day. I noticed I would pick up followers faster so started checking my stats more. I rarely go back and read my own posts. If one gets more likes than usual or an interesting comment I will be interested in why or what I wrote. Also if someone like a post from a long time ago I’ll go back and wonder why or even how they found it. It’s been happening more often lately. I’m only mentioning because I thought it was strange this one got a like and a few views in the past 24 hours. I have never seen that on any of my posts before. It’s from September 21st at 02:00 and I am telling myself to take a fucking day off! Curiouser and curiouser