I am in a mood today, dude. I sleep a couple hours but I can’t get out of bed at 3 and start drinking coffee. Can I? I don’t know… The tinnitus was going but I’m used to that now. I don’t worry about it much. Sometimes it is so low I don’t know it’s there. The music thing was back and the tempo was too fast so my thoughts were too fast. That comes and goes. Is it going to last forever? I fucking destroyed my back. That hurts but, it will go away?
I think I might have fallen asleep or time just passed. I got out of bed. It was around 5. Close enough. The usual, coffee etc… The internet was dead. Am I the only one who can’t sleep in on the weekends? Fuck the t.v.
I looked at that gratitude page again. It didn’t sound so fantastic today. I typed in, “what to do about triggers to drink…” and Google auto-filled water as the top choice. Seriously…. I had to type alcohol fully. Nobody has searched this before? A couple rehab ads showed up, I went down and clicked the first real article. I started about evaluating your relationship with alcohol, then said, Maybe you don’t need to cut out alcohol completely and argued I should keep drinking, just not as much as before. Yeah, that should work out great for me. I’ve done the “I’m only going to have a couple…”
Click… The next article I forget how it started but it switched to referencing the Moderation Movement, and again maybe you don’t need to quit completely. I’m like didn’t that broad kill someone in a drunk driving accident? These were both health related websites.
Click… The next article I forget how it started but it switched to referencing the Moderation Movement, and again maybe you don’t need to quit completely. I’m like didn’t that broad kill someone in a drunk driving accident? These were both health related websites. Click… “Coping with triggers…”, this time substance abuse did come up but like 10th on the list. Getting closer.
This website said the way to deal with triggers is to avoid them. Then listed about 40 triggers in 3 categories. I guess I am supposed to stay home 24/7, not talk to friends on the phone or use the internet and only unlock the door for food deliveries. Isolation and loneliness were also on the list. I don’t know how you reconcile that. Those were the two I was trying to deal with all summer which led to hopelessness; which was not on the list of triggers. ???
My biggest trigger is losing my daughter. Last night it popped into my head she hadn’t texted me back since I texted her in the morning. Obviously that means she doesn’t love me anymore, right? That is half the Cognitive Distortions right there. My mind starts running in circles with reasons and arguments and counter arguments and counter reasons, over and over. I know what I’m doing… I know I should stop… I know there is nothing to worry about… I can’t stop. Now I feel like drinking to stop all these emotions I have worked up. I think, What are you stupid? (Oops! Another distortion. “Labeling” yourself.) She “usually” texts right back but plenty of times she doesn’t.
I just learned a trick that works for me. Write down the thought that is bothering you. Write down the faulty reasonings, then write down the logical reasons. For some reason putting pen to paper and writing down what I’m already repeating in my head, stops the rumination. Would not do it. Told myself it would not work this time.
Then I figured it out. I’m trying to give myself a reason or excuse to drink. I gotta put a stop to that shit. Somehow realizing that did put a stop to it. I went so long not thinking about drinking. Last week broke the dam and now I have to patch it again. It’s hard because all summer I was cruising along thinking everything is great not realizing half my thoughts weren’t grounded in reality. Then I got so depressed so quickly.
Whatever. Back to gratitude. One of the ideas on the list was keep a gratitude journal. I thought, Are you kidding me? I would feel like such an ass. I’m not one of those happy fucking people. I hate them. But that is what half my blog post was yesterday and I felt better after. I write a lot anyway and it said think of only a few things and don’t do it everyday because it will become rote and won’t mean anything. What the hell, I have to do something.
I opened a document and stared at the blank page. I couldn’t think of anything. I cheated and used one from yesterday. Then it was easy to think of two more.
(Ha! She just texted, I love you and is taking me out to lunch after school tomorrow. I’m such a freak show)
It’s not like I’m struggling materially. I have more than I need. I never had much. Even when I was making a lot of money. I blew it all on experiences. Maybe that is what I am lacking now.
I know it’s weird that I text my daughter but when she was a kid her mom would hand her the phone and every time it was, “Hi daddy, I love you daddy, Bye daddy” and she would hang up the phone. I would have to call back to finish talking to her mom. She can be a chatterbox in person.
I knew I was trying to set myself up last night. Good thing it was easy to stop. But plenty of times I have fallen for less. One of the triggers I knew I did but didn’t know I would see on the list was, “Planning to drink.” I was doing it for a while. I was doing it consciously and subconsciously. I made lots of plans. I kept stopping them but kept making more. How am I supposed to “avoid” that one?