Just Want to Start This Over

Robot Brain

“I hear trouble coming
I hear trouble coming
I hear trouble coming
Over and over again”

“Trouble’s Coming” Royal Blood

Saturday I woke up severely depressed. My whole summer was based on magical thinking. There was nothing special happening. I was only seeing connections because they were already on my mind; I was looking for them.

I was going over and over it in my mind, disillusioning myself; and it happened again! N— texted me after I hadn’t heard from her for a few days and all she did was ask if I was going to watch a certain movie that night? ( I don’t want to name it because it is silly) I told her I had less than one percent interest and also I don’t have that channel. She texted a picture of her login and password. I still said I would pass. She said it was supposed to be really dark but also good.

I thought to myself, What the hell, I’m, just sitting here all depressed anyway. I’m in front of my computer, I will see if I can watch it. I have a 19″ screen. The first couple scenes didn’t do much for me but 20 minutes later I’m checking to see how much time is left; I don’t want it to end! (Last night I asked her if she watched it and all she said was “No”, I didn’t ask why.

Mania was kicking back in and it was fueling the depression. It was delusional in June when I asked myself why I can’t have a positive thought immediately followed by a negative thought. I started searching it and found I was doing a lot of the right things. But Saturday… “What about this? What about that?” I’ve written about it a hundred times this summer.

[Background] Way back last Wednesday, I was still doing the online meetings, trying to find which ones worked for me. I had an important topic but I explained to the guy what I had been doing for the past couple hours. “I printed out the first two sheets you are supposed to do if you feel like drinking but I’m not filling them out. Not because I am afraid they will not help; because I am afraid they ‘will’ help. He laughed and wrote, “I don’t wanna…” I basically just told him I am planning a relapse. Nobody had a good answer.

One guy said it helps to pause and give yourself time to think about it. I said, I did pause for two hours and then logged in here and will spend another hour and a half.

I ended up pausing for 4 whole days. My problem is I can drink for days without sleeping. I don’t remember much of it. I did some fucked up shit but nothing dangerous.

Yesterday I was depressed again. I got a nice comment. Negative self talk, but just had to make it through the day and night to feel normal again. (ha, normal) I only slept for 2 hours and when I woke up again, I jumped up to google, “How do I stop bashing myself?” Before I could do that I saw another blog about “Positive self talk.” That is how the summer started! How is someone up at 3am posting the same thing I was searching for?

I know my problem at the beginning of the summer was I trying to change all my thought process and also my entire life at the same time. I got discouraged. I also could not make myself believe the positive. I wrote down, I am a good person; which is true. Sometimes I do evil shit, but I am still a good person. I wrote down 5 more realistic things about myself and one negative. Drinking which makes everything worse. Which led to another positive. I keep working on it.