Did you feel that?

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I met this broad on one of the dating sites during a time I was very active. We emailed for a bit but she didn’t want to trade numbers so I had a hard time gauging her interest. That didn’t matter to me. I didn’t have to meet everyone. Everyone was interesting to me at the time and if they were still talking to me I was still answering. She only emailed periodically. I figured it was only when she got bored. We would go back and forth for a bit and she would disappear again. We never got personal or shared many details. Well, she didn’t. All of my emails to anyone were very expansive. I couldn’t shut up. She knew a lot more about me than I knew about her. She did tell me she was also on disability for a mental illness. I attract people with mental illness. I don’t know why. It’s not like I am advertising for it. I didn’t keep my illness a secret but I didn’t come out with it until it came up in conversation. I do talk to a much higher percentage of people with mental illness than I think is statistically average.

We emailed for a good amount of time but I was sure that was as far as we were going. Then one night she surprised me. She asked me what I was doing and when I said I was talking to her. She told me to meet her at Appleby’s later that night. It’s a crappy chain restaurant but it sounded better than sitting at home.

I took a shower, got dressed and drove to the restaurant in the bordering town. When I walked in there was only one person there; the bartender. Oh well, at least I would be easy to find when she got there. I sat down, ordered a drink and talked to the bartender. I finished my drink and she still hadn’t showed. I told the bartender I thought I just got stood up and said fuck it I might as well eat something. I think I ordered a quesadilla. It was pretty good.

I drove home wondering why she would do that. When I got home I had an email from her asking why I never showed up. I thought she was joking and I told her what I had been doing for the past hour. She said no, I’m sitting here waiting for you in Concord. That was a key piece of information she could have shared the first time. I thought it was weird. I knew where she lived. She had to drive fifteen minutes to go through my town, coming within a mile of my house. Then she had to continue down the same road I had just driven twice; get on the highway a mile before she reached the restaurant I was sitting in and drive another twenty miles to Concord. How was I supposed to guess that.

I said whatever and drove down to Concord to meet her. This restaurant was crowded but we got a booth. She seemed nice enough and we had easy conversation but nothing was really going on. I still didn’t know much more about her by the time the check arrived. I was ready to call it a night but she slid down to the other end of the booth and told me to do the same. She cleared the table between us and put her hands palms up. She told me to put my hands on hers. She didn’t say anything and just sat there staring me directly in the eye. I was thinking, what the hell is this broad doing. Finally she broke the silence and asked, “Did you feel that?” I was completely confused. What was I supposed feel? I felt her hands under mine. I said, “What?” She smiled and said, “Sparks”

One Lump or Two?

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I met this chick on OkStupid back when it was a free, fully functional dating site. Back then there was no paying for extra features. What the hell? I had been divorced a number of years. It was back when I used to fall into the text trap. She got my number and it was texting from the moment she woke up until the minute she went to sleep. I just can’t do that and I’ve found out it is a major red flag. Whatever… We got along talking fine and I only had to wait several days to meet her in person. The weird thing I remember about her was her saying we were very similar. I was on disability for a mental illness and she had a young son with autism. No. You should be paying attention to your son instead of texting me all day and night.


I lived up north with my brother and she lived down south with her parents but she was very interested in meeting me. There was not much to do where I lived so I said I would drive down to meet her in the “big city.” This story is so old it is pre GPS! I had to print out MapQuest directions to find the bar where we were supposed to meet. It was no problem. I come from the age of huge folding paper maps. She knew the place and we both liked to play pool. And have a couple drinks. I taught the bartender how to make Cousin’ B’s Lemonade. My namesake.

We started with our drinks and a couple games of pool. She was horrible. So I made her a bet. I said I could beat her 10 games in a row and she could choose what I win. Two drinks later she was 10 games in the hole and deep in debt. I asked her how she would like to pay.

Well. She totally fucking surprised me! She had me pay the bill and took me out to her mini-van. She grew up in the city and I had only visited the outskirts a few times. She parked down by the river that ran through the middle of town. We got out and she wanted to kiss but I was feeling stupid because we were like two kids outside in the middle of the night. She said wait a minute, I want to take you somewhere.

We piled into the mini-van and went roving. She drove me out of the city and showed me her parent’s house for some reason. She didn’t show it to me, we drove by and she pointed it out. Then next thing I know we are on the outskirts of town and she takes a turn down a wooded dirt road. We talked and it seemed like she drove on forever. I quickly figured out where we were. We were on the back road to her old high school’s baseball fields. She parked and told me she wanted to “pay up.” It turns out my billiards proficiency had earned me a nice blowjob in the mini-van! Then she drove me back to the bar and my car where I left for home.

I lived 40 miles north of her when we met and I was in the process of moving 40 miles east of her after the bet. I don’t know, it all happened within a week or so. I was in my new apartment with a television on the floor but happy as hell to be away from my brother’s house. It was pretty poor house over here. I had lawn furniture in my living room my mom had given me. I technically lived here but I hadn’t yet “moved in.”

I was sitting here one night after not hearing from her in a bit and I got a random text message from her. It said,” Does your new apartment have one bedroom or two?” If we were having a conversation I wouldn’t have thought anything of it. I answered back,” one” but I was thinking JC this woman wants to move in with me and her 4 year old kid based on a bj in the back of a mini-van! That just wasn’t happening! I don’t care how good a bj is?

She stopped talking to me after I said I only had one bedroom.

Don’t Touch Me There!

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It was her idea to meet at Barnes and Noble, which is a large chain bookstore with a Starbucks inside. It started out well as we both drove into the crowded parking lot at the same time. I’m not sure what she wanted to do there at night. Drink coffee and talk about books? I’m capable but it’s not my idea of a fun date.

We got our coffees at the counter and turned to walk to a table. On the way I turned and said to her, this isn’t really my style, do you want to go next door to the 99 and have a couple drinks. She said, Yeah, so we tossed our full and still hot coffees into the trash and walked out.

The 99 is another chain store. It has a restaurant and bar inside. We went in and had a few drinks and laughed a lot. This was more my style. I think the low light sets a better mood than a brightly lit bookstore.

She had driven us over to the 99 parking lot which was right next to the bookstore. (I wonder if they planned it that way) She drove us back and parked next to my car. We stayed in her car for a bit.

While we were there she told me a story of going on a date with another man and he had put his hand on her thigh and she was horrified by it. She kept telling me the story as we sat in her car. She repeated the story of him grabbing her thigh at least 4 times. I got the point, I wasn’t going to grab her thigh. There didn’t seem to be any danger because we were both just sitting there talking.

Then she asked if I like to kiss. Of course I like to kiss. So we started kissing; a lot. After a while I got to the point where I would usually bring my hands into the action. Probably reaching for her thigh. But I was confused. Why did she tell me that story several times? Did she really not want me to take it further? Was it just that one particular guy she didn’t want touching her. I decided to play it safe and not let my hands roam.

Her phone buzzed after about an hour of this. She picked it up and read the text. She said it was her roommate and her dog was sick and had to go to the animal hospital. But she said it with no inflection or concern in her voice. I realized later it was her bail out text from a friend giving her an excuse to end the date. It didn’t seem right because we were enjoying herself. Maybe I should have went for her thigh.

The next day I texted her and she told me she was sorry but she has a boyfriend. That didn’t make sense to me at all. Was it even true? Was she taking me on a test drive to see if I was better than this boyfriend. I was confused again. I never saw her after that.

What do you think? Should I have made a move while kissing her?