Would have thought?

I have anxiety from thinking of a million different reasons why my anxiety suddenly got worse. The simplest explanation is my anxiety did not suddenly get worse. It’s always been horrible so could I please shut the fuck up about it?

They all tell you it’s the anxiety that makes you drink. I can handle the anxiety. It’s the pain. Oh my god, the fucking pain. I almost forgot. I really wasn’t expecting that today.

The first time I got a good therapist, she was certain I had PTSD from my childhood. I didn’t even tell her half the shit! I haven’t talked about it since. I don’t think she was right. I didn’t know. I thought everything was normal. I thought everyone grew up like that.

Lately I’ve been putting myself on a tight schedule. I don’t have to do everything at the same time every day. But in the morning I line the day up. I set start times for everything. I don’t have a set limit for finishing but starting is exact. I usually pick the beginning of an hour. Not 5 minutes before. Not 2 minutes after. I’m usually pretty good at it and if I miss I’ll usually slide down to the next round number on the clock.

Coffee and breakfast is routine when I wake up. I keep times for that. Today was lunch at noon, exercise at 1 and check the mail at 2:30. That would be after the mailman came and I could get the whole week at once because I’ve been fucking up and not setting a time for mail.

I hit lunch fine and 1 was looking pretty good. I was waiting and N___ texted me and said she would help get me to the vax if I signed up. I told her I’ve been thinking of it but I can’t figure out where to start. She told me and it was very easy. I have an appt. for my first shot on April 20. It should have been easy but by the time I was done I was slipping. It was after 1 and I could just change my time to exercise but it wasn’t looking good. That’s okay, I’ve been pretty rigid with that. Even if I’m not wanting to do it, if can get it started on the hour I can finish. It makes me feel better because I breathe as slowly and deeply as possible and hold my form and match my movement to my breath.

2:30 mail call was a joke. Perhaps I was being a bit optimistic. By that time I had myself restrained in my bedroom, totally losing my shit. That’s usually reserved for 3pm. Leaving my apartment was not a good idea. It is 7 now and I am feeling better. Comparatively. Not go downstairs and check the mail better. Now I know and that will be a first thing tomorrow objective. (Hopefully I’ve already done it today because I am scheduling this for tomorrow; Sunday)

My last therapist was always telling me to “stay in the moment.” What if the moment sucks so bad you will do anything to get out of the moment? Stay in the moment… What is that supposed to mean? She’s too young to be a hippie. Mindfulness bullshit. Even when I do a guided mindful exercise, I’m doing it to concentrate on anything but the moment. I’m doing it right now. Writing helps me focus my thoughts. Even when I’m writing about my horrible day, I’m really thinking about the writing. Back when I was “in the moment,” This would have been impossible.

FRANKIE SAYS RELAX

Robot Brain

Tuesday: My daughter picked me up and drove me home in her car. She was so excited! In the morning her mother was in the car and they both stress each other out. I was getting nervous. Her mom would jump on her for making a mistake and it would make my daughter so nervous she couldn’t think straight and start doing the opposite of what she should do, which made her mom get more upset. It was a vicious circle. On the way home it was just her step father and I and we just let her drive and she did everything perfectly. She is going to be fine.

I lost another 5 pounds. That makes 15 since I stopped that horror show medication. That is the only change I made and I just started dropping weight. I wasn’t even exercising for 3 weeks because of the withdrawals.

Wednesday: I have 3 weeks left to lose 5 more pounds and meet my challenge. I think it will happen. I’ve been dropping weight fairly quickly since leaving that med behind.

Thursday: I completely missed a day this week. I didn’t change anything. I didn’t blackout. I remember everything I did this week. It just took me until today to realize I’ve been a day behind all week. It’s not like I would think it’s the wrong day for a second and catch myself. All week I thought I knew what day it was and I was wrong. Yesterday (Wednesday) someone told me they were picking me up tomorrow (Thursday) at noon. I went straight to my calendar to write down she was picking me up Wednesday at noon. It took until this morning to look at my calendar and wonder why she didn’t pick me up Wednesday at noon. It’s not like her to not show up and not tell me. I finally sat at my computer still trying to figure it out and Boom! It’s Thursday. I hope I don’t fuck up tomorrow, I have to pay my bills.

Best April Fool joke I know: One of the possible side effects of my anti anxiety medication is anxiety. (Not a joke)

Friday: All month long I’ve been catching myself talking angrily out loud at my doctor. I won’t actually talk to him until next week. I go through all the things I want to say because I am pissed about that medication fucking me up but I stop myself because I am only going to talk to him for 2 minutes on the phone and he isn’t going to give a shit. I have to stop wasting time and energy on this shit.

Saturday: I’ve been practicing yelling at my doctor all morning. I’m trying to give it a rest. I can’t help it. I want to ask him how many times I told him, no, I don’t want to change any of my medications. Because I know how many times. Every time I went into his fucking office. I remember because I made a point of saying it every time. It didn’t matter how messed up I was, no, I don’t want to change any of my medications. Because for the first time since they started putting me on meds I had no side effects. I wasn’t even fat anymore. I wasn’t doing great but I was doing well enough and I had no side effects. I still can’t figure out how the fuck he talked me into starting a new drug.

Road to Redemption

Sunday March 21/21: I can’t believe it! I got 8 hours of sleep last night! I hope that is the end of the 3 weeks of withdrawal from that stupid medication.

Tuesday: Gawd! Yesterday I couldn’t function. It comes and goes, but so do my regular symptoms so I don’t know which way is up! Today I am up way early but I unexpectedly fell asleep at 8pm and woke up around midnight to take the rest of my meds. 8pm is unheard of for me. I usually go to bed around 2am at the earliest if I am bored and it is always planned. We are having a string of spring temperatures and I opened the window as soon as I woke up. My cat has no idea what is going on. I haven’t slept 10 hours in 1 night since I got him 8 years ago!

I haven’t mentioned the name of the anti-psychotic I stopped taking that has given me so much trouble. That is because I know some side effects are different for each individual and I don’t want to scare anyone into stopping theirs suddenly. That is never a good idea! I did it because I have so much of it left and it starts acting in 1 day. If I had more severe symptoms I hope I would have had the wherewithal to start taking it again. The withdrawal was bad enough I would think about taking 1 just to get a 1 day break. I resisted so I wouldn’t have to start quitting from day 1 again. If anyone really wants to know what medication it is you can email me.

Last week I had a good day and put together a slide show to use for my next YouTube video. Now I have to narrate it and that is where it gets difficult for me. On my first short video I just did it on the fly but it was only 90 seconds long. On this next one I will have to talk for 5 minutes and I want to sound coherent without any uh’s and um’s. I’m not sure how to do it. I thought of typing something out but how would I know how much typing equals 5 minutes of speaking? Another problem is I don’t have much confidence in my voice. It doesn’t help I have a heavy Boston accent. I’ve been told many times I have a great voice on the phone but I’m not sure if that is a nice way of saying I’m ugly.

Wednesday: Quixotic. I’m suicidal but I treat my body like I want to live forever.

Thursday: I had a yeah! wake up this morning. I wanted to do everything even before I had my first cup of coffee. It was pouring rain and I couldn’t go outside but that didn’t bother me. Well, I could go outside but… I want to ride my bike. We had 2 nice Spring days but I didn’t feel like getting it ready. Then I really wanted to go but the weather turned.

Friday: I finally did something right! I bought my daughter “Villians” by Queens of the Stone Age on vinyl. It was funny because I just texted her yesterday saying the next thing she gets in the mail with my name on it is for her and it would probably come tomorrow. (Today) An hour later her mom texted me a picture of her holding it up looking happy. Her mom said she was pumped. I like to surprise her so I was happy.

A funnier story is I ordered her a single from Royal Blood way back at Thanksgiving. February came and she never said she got it. I emailed the company and they said they would send another copy. I waited a couple weeks and didn’t hear anything so I was like, Fuck it, I’ll just buy it again. The last time I was at her house she said something about buying the Royal Blood single and she didn’t know why she kept getting copies. In one week she received the original one I ordered back in November, the one she bought, the one the company replaced for me and the second one I bought because I was sick of waiting for her to get it! Four copies! She had so many she gave one to her boyfriend. I don’t know, I thought it was funny.

Saturday: I give my daughter shit about being a hipster for liking vinyl records. But I get it. I used to buy a new vinyl every week when I got paid at my little kid job. It’s a whole experience. It’s much more fun than listening to songs by pushing a button on your phone. It’s physical. You can pick it up and look at it. You have the artwork on the outside; more exclusive artwork on the inside if it is a double album. Maybe the lyrics are printed. Maybe there is a little booklet with pictures of your favorite band. The record player is a pretty cool piece of technology from ancient times. I never imagined vinyl would make such a comeback. I’m glad she likes it. She gets so excited when she gets an new album. She is really into it. Some bands she won’t even listen to their new songs until she gets it on vinyl. Weirdo.

Live and Let Die

Monday, March 5, 2021: I am so excited! Yesterday afternoon I got my first hour of real sleep since I quit my medication 2 weeks ago. Before then I was only “sleeping” at night. I was lying in bed. My eyes were closed but my brain was doing things it had never done before and I was fully aware.
Again, it was only an hour but I felt great when I woke up! I was hoping it would continue last night but I spent about 4 hours in that indescribable state. I think it is fading though. I was afraid I would be doing that for the rest of my life.

Tuesday: I did so much yesterday! I finally wrote a new blog piece. I was reminded of it a few weeks ago but I was having a lot of trouble thinking. Yesterday I fired it off in 1 shot with just a couple edits. (It probably shows.) I scheduled it for Sunday and then I started writing this post. I also imported some pictures from my phone and started editing a video. I was having trouble doing much on the computer besides read a few blogs and scroll Twitter for jokes. I was having trouble reading some blogs. I follow a lot of people with mental illness who do journal style posts like this one. I noticed I was skipping over many that were too negative. Then I also realized I have been pretty negative for a long time. People probably do the same thing to me. My first 2 sentences usually aren’t very good click bait. That is the main reason I posted a short positive piece last Saturday.

Today I am not so enthused. I got another hour of good sleep last night. I woke up feeling good but the rest of the night was fitful. My brain felt like it was inside one of those vibrating gravel sorting machines. My cat woke me up by licking my forehead for some reason. Thanks Oliver.

Wednesday: Oh yeah. I lost 10 pounds the first week. The only thing that changed was stopping the med. My appetite went back to normal and I was eating less but you can’t tell me I was eating 10 pounds more of vegetables each week before.

Friday: I’ve been afraid to close my eyes since Tuesday night. They just roll back around in my brain. I did get another hour and a half of sleep last night but then I slipped into whatever it is I still can’t think of a word for it. I’m completely aware of my thoughts but I’m not fully conscious. Now I am afraid this is going to last forever. But Monday and Tuesday during the day I was fine. It just feels permanent while it’s happening. To help things out I had, “Can’t Get You Outta My Head” stuck in my head all night. Not the whole song, just that lyric. Thanks Kylie!

Saturday: I got something more like sleep for a few hours. This is about how well I can function. Let’s see if I can make this work.

Eugenics

Tuesday

The first thing they do when they diagnose you with any strain of psychosis is prescribe you with drugs that make you fat, bald and impotent. They are trying to wipe out your bloodline. I told my doctor I wouldn’t go for it and he tricked me into it. Now he is trying to get me to increase the dosage on the drug. It just clicked yesterday. Since last year I haven’t been able to lose a single pound. I thought of it because of the food I was eating. So I cut out this food, and that food and that food. I’m still fucking gaining weight! It’s the fucking meds! What an asshole. If I went back to a nutritionist they would not be able to explain it. I am basically strict vegan except I eat chicken once a week and I’m still gaining weight. Now my fucking doctor wants to increase the dosage? I don’t think so. That is the end of that. He got me with the teaser… “One of my patients says this really helps with sleep.” That’s great if I want to sleep my fucking life away!

I can’t believe none of them mentioned it may be the cause of my weight loss troubles. I’ve been telling them about it and nobody said a thing. They are supposed to be helping me? It took my ex wife casually asking how it is with weight gain. Then it clicked. Fuck that shit. Last time this happened I was banging my head against the wall. I was going to the gym 3 hours a day, training hard and eating like a dirt farmer. Still gaining weight. Then I stopped taking the med and boom! I lost 30 pounds the first month. I fucking hate these people!

Wednesday

Yeah, I got about an hour of some kind of sleep type thing last night. I don’t care. I’ll go without sleep if I have to for a few days. That’s how he got me. That magic pill to put me to sleep in ten minutes and stay asleep with no disturbing dreams. I didn’t realize I would wake up a year later and be fucking huge.

I’m not doing it any more. I’m so sick of these people saying they are trying to help me. I want to stop all my meds and fuck right off!

Thursday

Oh. You don’t wanna kick this shit. I can’t think. Second day with no sleep. I was in bed and semi conscious but I wouldn’t describe it as sleep. I gave up and made some coffee. I can’t thinks of the words to say how I feel right now but it’s not pleasant.

Friday

I can’t believe he gave me another fucking diabetes pill. I’m eating like I’m training for the Olympics and my belly looks like I’m pounding a case of beer every day. And stupid me, I’m thinking, maybe eating chicken twice a week is too much. Should I stop buying apples? I eat a lot of apples. Maybe that is why I’m still gaining weight. He got me because for years I refused to change any of my meds.Specifically because I had my side effects under control. Ugh… I’m so stupid. Why was he so determined to get me on another med? I told him no every time I saw him. WTF?

I’m still withdrawing. Last night I slept twice for about 2 hours each. Both times I woke up in confusion with high anxiety. It took me a few minutes to figure out how I got there. Even though I’ve been spending all my free time in bed trying to fall asleep. I wake up and don’t know where I am. I still don’t feel “right.” I don’t remember anything about it but when I opened my eyes it didn’t feel like a real sleep. I was tired this morning for the first time in forever.

Don’t worry. I’m not quitting my only anti psychotic med. I’ve been on another for years and I’m still taking it now. I never had to detox from one like this before. I knew it would be trouble because of how I felt on the nights I missed a dose. That is another reason I wanted to quit. But what would you trade for a guaranteed 4-6 hours of uninterrupted, dreamless sleep every night?

It’s Friday night and I’m coming down hard. How can they prescribe this shit to someone? What was the endgame? Stay on it for the rest of my life which would be short and horrible from the diabetes it causes? There can’t be a plan to come off or it. There are no smaller doses to taper. I was fine this morning but now I just want to die. I thought I was on the last day.

Saturday

I had the same kind of 2 hour naps again last night. I feel like it’s over but that’s what I thought yesterday morning. My voracious appetite went away on the first day. That is a good thing. I used to want to stuff my face every waking moment. Now I am wondering if all the food I bought yesterday is just going to rot in my fridge. Something unexpected happened. On the first day my jaw unclenched. I had been grinding my teeth for months and didn’t know why. It was so bad that when I did body scans I would just skip over the part where they tell you to relax your jaw. My jimmy legs went away. They were so tight I was always involuntarily bouncing them up and down. I stopped making weird faces I couldn’t control. These are all things I was so used to I didn’t notice until it suddenly stopped. Oh yeah, I stopped freaking out and screaming at shit for the first 4 hours of every morning. I thought that would be the opposite. I was so angry every day. Raging mad.

It is a powerful drug. I can feel how it changed my brain. That is what first had me wanting to quit a few weeks ago. I was addicted to the sleep. I was also addicted to the drug. It is the only medication I have ever taken where I couldn’t miss one dose. Falling asleep without it was a nightmare. I would wake up an hour later and run for the pill. I still can’t sleep.

Afternoon: For some reason I feel better in the mornings. Now my anxiety is sky high. My chest muscles are so constricted it is hard to get air into my lungs. My jaw is still relaxed though. I caught myself breathing through my mouth without trying. The emotional downturns have started. They get worse as the day goes on. I’m supposed to see my daughter tomorrow. I have a feeling I’m not going to suddenly be all better by then.

Sunday

My cat knows when I am hurting bad. He plasters himself next to me and purrs very loudly. It helps but it is very unusual for him. He doesn’t like to cuddle and he never purrs. For the longest time I thought I owned the only cat that didn’t purr. He normally stays exactly an arms length from me. He likes me to reach out and pet him with one hand but none of that picking him up and hugging him shit. He hates that. But when I am lying in bed freaking out he is stuck right to me. Only when I am at my worst though. He won’t waste it on a simple anxiety attack.

Still no sleep. I hope I don’t melt down at my daughter’s today. I am pretty good at holding it together in front of other people. As long as it is only a day or so. I knew this would be rough. That is why I started at the beginning of the week. I thought I would be back to normal in three days at the most. I had no idea I would still be a total mess today, when I am going to see my daughter.

Should I call my doctor and ask him how long the withdrawal lasts on this fucked up medication he was pushing on me? Every time I saw him for years, I made it clear I didn’t want to change my meds. I finally had a combo that helped somewhat with minimal side effects. He finally got me with the promise of sleep. At first all it did was make me sleep and I didn’t notice any other changes. No, the fucked up side effects didn’t start until months later. That’s why I never made the connection between the new med and all the new problems. He’s lucky I didn’t stop all my medications. That is what I used to do. Then it turns into a total shit show!

It Takes One to Know One

Monday: I never believed in manifestation or the law of attraction or any of that other bullshit. There have been a lot of times in my life where I thought the universe was aligned with me and giving me everything I needed. It hasn’t been working that way for quite a while. A couple months ago I gave up looking for a new partner. I didn’t want to do it any of the ways I had before but I was stuck wondering how to do it. I just hit pause. But I was still thinking about it. I have sex with a girl I am perfectly happy with except I barely see her.

I accidentally watched the beginning of one of those manifestation videos. It wasn’t clearly labeled. The same night a woman from forever ago texted me in the middle of the night. The coincidence added to the excitement. I wasn’t thinking valentine was coming up. I don’t think of it as a holiday. I’ve had people I barely know look me up before Thanksgiving or Christmas. Then I remembered why we hadn’t talked in years. We didn’t click.

I only actually met with one person who did that one year.
Don’t fucking look up to me! You got ten minutes to live: what are you gonna do next?

Thursday

I can’t write about shit. I’ve been trying to listen to a series of lectures. They are very interesting but I can’t follow along. My sensory system has been overloaded all week. Coincidentally that is what the lectures touch on.

Friday

I wanted to listen and write about those lectures on audio but I still can’t even listen to them. I like they are only 30 minutes long but that is too much for me right now. I am pretty sure this will be the only thing I post this week. I have a YouTube video to publish also. It should be easy. I finished it 2 weeks ago before I lost my mind. My first one got 1 view, which is pretty good considering I didn’t tell anyone how to find it. I’m trying to do a series of meditations for people who don’t like meditating but want to meditate. (like me) I got the idea from watching other YouTube meditation videos while desperately trying to relax. Few of them worked. I listened to a lot of them. Most of them are the same and useless. I did write down what worked for me and I will use that as a starting point.

I was supposed to go see my daughter Wednesday but I screwed up the night before. I fell asleep for about an hour and when I woke up I was completely confused as to where and when I was. Once I realized what was going on (or so I thought) I got up to make morning coffee. It was morning alright! 2 in the morning! I didn’t know until I had finished a cup of coffee. Obviously I had to take my night meds and go back to bed, right? (Wrong!) I couldn’t decide if it was too early to drink coffee or too late to take my meds. I tried drinking coffee all night and I was a mess by the time I should have seen my daughter. I had to cancel. (Still no sleep that day) I feel bad because I rarely cancel on her. She has been canceling on me a lot lately. Maybe she wanted to again and I just made it easier for her. I haven’t seen her in about a month. At first I was taking it personally but she is 15 and doesn’t need her old man of a dad hanging around all the time. It’s difficult. 16 years went by so fast. I know that sounds cliche but it really does feel like last week she was a little peanut who fit in the palm of my hand!

I think this is the most I’ve written all week. Nobody says I have to post every week. I say that. I started out 3 times a week and soon when to twice a week. I would like to keep it at least twice a week. I still have a host of ideas on my Windows Sticky Notes on my desktop but it is so daunting to look at right now. I still have 1 planned for Sunday but I have to make myself sit down and write. If I can get started it will be easy. 20 minutes tops. It is another true story so it should roll off my fingers.

(Oh yeah) I finally shaved that nasty beard I have been growing since last Halloween. I bought my first selfie stick to get an honest assessment on how it looked. OMG! I can’t believe I was walking around like that. I didn’t know. (people were telling me I looked good) I think I looked like I was 70 years old. I took a before picture and immediately shaved my face. Then I took an after picture and sent it to my daughter and her mom. My daughter didn’t notice I shaved and asked me why I owned a selfie stick? I don’t know why but I look better in my bathroom mirror somehow. Once I saw the picture on my camera I was horrified. That is the longest length of time I have gone with facial hair and it was only 4 months.

I’m doing pretty well this morning. It is taking a concerted effort to keep myself calm and write all of this. I am going to see my daughter tomorrow whether she likes it or not. It has been too long for me. I will just show up at her house and hang with the dogs if I have to do that.

Miscreant

I accidentally posted the story that goes with this yesterday. (Friday)

Monday: I bought two bottles of Merlot Saturday night. Not to be classy; because it has more alcohol than white wine. It didn’t have anything to do with Valentine’s Day. I knew it would stop the voices in my head telling me to kill myself. A little background on Saturday. I woke up very early so I would have time to get in shape to see my daughter. When I finally texted her I was coming over soon she texted back asking if we could skip this week. Her not wanting to see me turned my head upside down but it’s not why I was suicidal. In a few weeks is the anniversary of when my mother in law died. That story is a whole different traumatic blog post if I choose to write about it. The crux of the story is it was gruesome and we both found her body and I still blame myself for her death. Every once in a while I start reliving the day over and over and I can’t stop crying and I hear command voices. I also feel like I deserve to die because I feel responsible. It started in the afternoon. I started thinking about it and picturing everything we saw that day and putting together what happened to her. I can’t stop myself from going over and over it in my mind.

The funny thing was, I gave myself until 9pm for it to stop and if it didn’t then I was going to get drunk. That would stop it temporarily but I knew it would come back worse Sunday morning with a hangover on top of it. I didn’t care, I just wanted a break from it. It is horrible. I only made it until 8pm before I bundled up (12 degrees) and trudged to the store next door. By the time I got there the inside of my mask was filled with crying snot. I couldn’t stop. I pulled the mask up right under my eyes to hide it and bought the bottles of wine as quickly as I could. I must have looked a mess. That was the funny part. I was planning on killing myself but I was still trying to avoid drinking. Like my almost 1 year streak of being sober was important if I was dead. It didn’t help that my doctor had changed my dosages and the pharmacy filled both of them anyway. So I have 12 months worth of deadly pills I have no use for except to suicide.

I was right. The next day was worse but all I could do was lie in bed crying and thinking about it. I wasn’t hearing anymore voices though. I waited a couple hours for the alcohol to get out of my system and took my night meds and slept through the afternoon. When I woke up again I was able to feed myself and I felt a little better (relatively) It’s been 16 years since she died and I still have this guilt. I can’t let it go.

My cat knows when I am feeling bad. Saturday night and Sunday he was right up next to me in the meatloaf position. He wouldn’t leave my side. He followed me from room to room and stayed as close as possible. I rewarded him by over petting him until he started purring. He rarely purrs. I gave him some treats. Today he knows I am doing better so he has been ignoring me as usual. I do feel better today. I still have the sadness and there is a pain in my chest.

I wanted to tell N__ about it but she isn’t responsible for me anymore. I also didn’t want to ruin her day. She still has it like I do but worse. It is her mom.

It’s later at night now. I feel like Saturday again. I can’t get drunk again. It would just be an endless cycle. I have to do this until it runs it’s course. My torso is hurting. It is tight I can’t draw a breath. G just texted, how am I doing? I can’t answer. We have never had a serious conversation since I’ve known her. I don’t think I want to start by telling her I want to die. It’s the first time I’ve heard from her since Friday. Today I have been thinking I have nobody to contact and now the last person I want to contact, contacts me. Do I ghost her completely? I can’t do a fake convo tonight with anyone. It’s taking all my effort to write this. I sit and think and write and sit and think and write. I made a green tea with ginger because it is such a shock to the system. So hot and astringent. Takes my mind off things for a second with each sip.Then I will chew the ginger. My cat is getting payback. He crawled under my arm for an hour and still didn’t move when I got up. He is still in the same position when I go in there.

Wednesday

I think I’m going to write about it but probably not today. Probably Thursday. (tomorrow)

Friday

I couldn’t write about my mother in law yesterday. I wrote and published the story today. It doesn’t matter if anyone sees it. It was for me to sort things out in my head.

Saturday

I am going to see my daughter tomorrow. I will have to wake up very early so I can get my head right before I deal with an Uber driver and so I don’t act like a freak at her house. I don’t mind getting up early. I don’t need much sleep. I function very well after 4 hours. I try to go to bed earlier to get more sleep before I see my daughter. I have a lot of anger I need to get out of my system before I can deal. I mostly do it by growl/screaming. I don’t go around punching holes in the walls but sometimes I want to do that. I need to get my adrenaline up to a high level and then crash and it usually calms me down.

I’m excited about seeing her. It has been a few weeks. She has her first real boyfriend and I need to step back and let her enjoy it. I remember I didn’t want my mom around with my girlfriends when I was my daughter’s age.

I uploaded my first video ever to YouTube. It is just a one minute meditation with my cat. I used a free video maker app from the windows store and another app to make the music. I did a voice over but I don’t like the sound of my voice so I got quiet in the second half. I’m not cross posting here but you could probably find it with one search phrase.

What a week it has been. I am feeling better today. I am not reliving the whole horrific scene anymore. I just have flashes. They go away quickly. I had such a hard time because it hasn’t happened for a long while and I wasn’t expecting it. I did answer my friend’s text. I didn’t tell her I was having a bad time because she is basically a stranger. I repeated, Hey, how are you. She said she had been very busy since Saturday. I said, Oh yeah and I haven’t heard from her since. I don’t think it was a good idea to hook up close to Valentine’s Day with someone who just broke up with her boyfriend but I didn’t realize the day was so close.

I follow a lot of journal style posts so I hope to read that everyone’s week was better than mine!

Double Vision

Or, How I killed my mother in law. Okay, I didn’t really kill her. All I did was take a nap. I have two versions of how I remember the day. The first is from my point of view. What I know actually happened. It was Sunday morning and N__ had gone shopping. Her mom was upstairs sleeping and I was bored and a little tired so I went up to take my own nap on the other half of the house. About an hour later I heard N__ scream for me from her mom’s room. I ran down the stairs, across the house and up the other stairs. Her mom was sitting on the floor leaning against the bed, covered in vomit. She was not moving. I flew down the stairs and hit the life alert button. A woman spoke and I yelled to send an ambulance and added, I think she’s already dead! I went back up and N__ had laid her on her back and was giving CPR. I saw her chest lower and for a second I thought she was alive! But it was only N__’s breath leaving her mom’s body. I heard pounding on the outside door and the dogs were freaking out. It was the fire department. It only took them minutes to get there but it was too late. The firemen and the cops said they couldn’t come inside until the dogs were secured. I wrangled them up into our bedroom and let the people in. N__ and I sat downstairs on the couch until they brought her mom down on a gurney covered in a white sheet. We had her cremated so the last thing I remember was her on her back and me thinking she was alive.

That was bad enough but the other version I remember is from my mother in law’s point of view. I deduced it from the little I saw while I was in the room and what the paramedics said.

She was sleeping on her back and threw up. She aspirated. She couldn’t breathe. She pulled herself towards the edge of the bed and fell heavy on the floor. (Which I would have heard if I had been awake.) The coroner tried to make us feel better by telling us she was dead when she hit the floor. I knew better. The brain can live for 4 minutes without oxygen. She sat there for 4 minutes struggling to breathe. Conscious of choking to death. I also saw one thing that crushes me every time it goes through my mind. There was a hand print in vomit a knee level on the wall separating our two bedrooms. That is where she used the last of her energy banging on the wall to get my attention. (Which I also would have heard if I were awake.) Both versions of what I remember haunt me here 16 year later but it is the second version that makes me want to die. I am so full of guilt and dread.

Please don’t tell me it wasn’t my fault, “all you did was take a nap.” People have been telling me that for years. It doesn’t help. I know it’s true. But I know CPR. If I had gotten up there in time I would have saved her life. She was only 54.

Last Saturday it hit me and the movie version of it kept playing through my head. I could see it all again over and over. I was hearing voices telling me to kill myself; I deserve to die. I drank to stop it, but it didn’t work. I couldn’t stop crying. I was wailing. I was embarrassed the neighbors were hearing me but it didn’t stop for 3 days. I’ve calmed down but I still see flashes and my sadness is deep. I have nobody to tell about this. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t help. Everyone says the same thing, “All you did was take a nap.”

Monogamous for the Moment

Heart colored pencils

I met G___ on POF a long time ago when it was still a fun app to use for dating. I was manic and never slept so I was pretty much talking to anyone who would type back. She typed back the most but didn’t seem interested in meeting me. I didn’t care. She was funny. We spent most of the time making fun of all the other people we met through the app. I was messing around with a few women and told her about it. It wasn’t until I was single, single that she wanted to meet me. I knew she wouldn’t just come to hang and bang so I made a bet with her that was designed for me to lose. Don’t get dirty now, the bet was loser pays for lunch. It was just my way of getting her to drive up here and meet me for lunch. I’ve been wracking my brain trying to remember what the bet was because it was hilarious. But I lost and invited her to lunch the next day. We went to a nice place a couple towns over but they had reasonable priced lunches. And it was good food. I remember we talked in person as easily as we typed and texted so that went well. She wanted Starbucks after and we went for a ride. We came back to my apartments and I used the only canned line I use when I think someone is going to say yes. “Want to come up and see how the other half lives? Anyway, it makes me laugh. I knew she was going to say yes. I knew she was promiscuous (no pejorative) but she also wanted monogamy. It didn’t matter if I only broke up with my girlfriend an hour ago, as long as I didn’t have a girlfriend. We hooked up that day and I think one more time. I don’t remember much more than that. Neither of us drank at the time so that is not why I can’t remember. Whatever. She met another guy and had to be monogamous again so we lost touch.

I wouldn’t be writing this at all if she had not texted me last Saturday around midnight asking me what’s up. It had been so long I had taken her out of my contacts so I was lucky she told me her name in the first text. I remembered the whole first paragraph I just wrote when I saw her name so that was good. We chatted for a bit and she asked me if I had a girlfriend. I said I didn’t and then she steered the conversation towards sexting. She doesn’t drink so it’s not like she just got home from the bar and was drunk and horny. And we had never texted sexually before but whatever. I’ve been a raging alcoholic my whole life but I attract women who don’t drink or drink very little. (go figure?) We did all that and then I said I wanted to follow through on what we talked about.

It was my fault. It was exciting getting looked up by someone I barely remembered. She had Friday off so we planned on her coming up to see me and I thought about it all week. Then she got in here and my memory had filled in a lot of holes faultily. She wasn’t the person I thought I knew. I wanted to back out but we had talked it up for 5 days. I don’t know what to do. I wasn’t sure what she wanted from me because she told me she just broke up with her boyfriend. The one from earlier in the story. So it was a serious relationship she had going on. I mean I know what she wanted from me. It was just strange to look me up after so long. It was several years longer than I thought. I just felt weird about the whole thing. I wrote about it in my journal post yesterday. I don’t think I’m going to contact her back.

GOAT

Sunday the 7th

I have to admit I am a Patriots fan and I wanted Brady to win tonight. I can’t help it. They sucked for the first half of my life so you can watch them win for the second half. Ha. Really though, my first memories were of watching football and going outside at halftime to pretend we were the players in the snow. Don’t get too far ahead of yourself. I’ve never played “fantasy football.”

Slightly off topic. I got a text from a woman I haven’t heard from in 5 years last night after midnight. She ended up wanting to sext! (go figure) We hooked up a couple of times before we lost touch; because she got serious with another guy. I haven’t talked to her since before my accident. It was a good thing she told me her name in the first text because I didn’t have her in my contacts anymore. I asked her what she would have done if she had the wrong number and another guy pretended to be me? She wants to come over this Friday. Looks like I will have to clean up this dump.

Tuesday

I’m making a concerted effort to clean this place. In my bedroom I found clothes I was wearing in the hospital back in 2017! I took out a large bag of other clothes that didn’t fit me. Some of them never fit me. I don’t know why I was hanging onto them. I even took the blanket of the couch I was using to protect it from the cat. He was trying to tear up the cloth when I bought it. I don’t understand how I can put something somewhere and it will stay there for years. But if I was looking for it, I would never be able to find it. I’ve got some laundry to do. I don’t think that is going to happen. Right now the cat is on the couch cleaning himself and will leave hair all over it. Great!

Wednesday

I’ve made a couple videos in the Windows 10 Video Editor. They are less than 5 minutes long. One is my cat stalking his water dish in slow motion with some music and the other is me walking around my building in a snowstorm, talking. I added background music to that also. I made my own music from loops available in Bandlab. It was the only application I could find that allowed me to create copyright free music. I still have to figure out if I can add a narration track to one video or if I have to choose between music and voice. I don’t have a microphone yet so it will have to wait.

It is all new to me and caused me a great deal of anxiety. Figuring out the easiest way to download video and music. It was all new to me. I am sure I made some mistakes.

Thursday

All of the apartments in my building are getting new toilets. They are in there doing mine right now. It sounds like they are using a reciprocating saw to cut the bolts. Then they tried to pick it up without disconnecting the water supply. That could have been a disaster but the helper saw it just in time. I could do the work myself but it’s not my responsibility. I hate plumbing anyway. It’s so gross. I would rather sit here and write about it. I don’t think they have replaced them since this place was built 50 years ago! Now it sounds like they are having trouble getting it to sit flat because some of the 1 inch tiles broke. All they need is a plastic shim and it would be fine. I’m not going to say anything. People in construction don’t like to be told what to do.

Friday

Today was one of those times where expectation didn’t live up to reality. It was exciting hearing from someone from 5 years ago who wants to hook up but the texting was better than the meeting. Maybe that’s why we hadn’t talked in 5 years. Maybe longer. My memory held a different idea. I liked talking to her. Having sex was a different story. I was trying to be passionate and I was at first but I quit halfway through. I didn’t just stop. I kept going through with it because we did all that talking last Saturday. I just disconnected. I didn’t want to be there any longer but it was my bed. I had nowhere to go. So I faked an orgasm. A guy can do it. It’s easy. Especially if you are wearing a condom. Nobody knows what is going on down there.

Ironically, now I have a head ache.

Saturday

I just remembered tomorrow is Valentine’s day. I mean I knew about it, but it was abstract. It was sometime in the near future. This year I wanted to do something for my daughter. It’s never been a holiday for us anyway.I remember looking at the date yesterday, the 12th but it didn’t make me think the 14th was 2 days away. I was hoping she would get that vinyl single I ordered for Christmas. They didn’t have any shipping options and sent it snail mail from England with a Covid warning. I gave it a lot of time until I sent them an email saying, yo, I didn’t get my shit. They got back to me but told me to call my local post office and blah…I know it got lost so I just bought it again. But it’s still going to be shipped snail mail with no tracking info. I know the site is legit because it’s the Royal Blood page. It’s not like nobody has ever heard of the band.

I woke up very early this morning. Deliberately. I went to bed early and even set my alarm for 8. (wishful thinking) I was freaking from the moment I got up. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I drank my usual coffee and that was a mistake. I am so agitated. I thought I would try a relax meditation video on YouTube. That didn’t work at all. I tried a several and the first few seconds of each was horror. I stopped and freaked out some more. I’ve been watching meditation videos for the past week. The thing about them is they only work if I am already relaxed. A few times I could catch myself at night time at the right time and I could zone in for an hour. I could make myself super relaxed for a couple hours. Other times, like today I can’t handle more than a couple seconds but I tried it because that is the time I need to do it. Right? It doesn’t work.

I finally went back after trying other ways to distract myself. I accidentally found a yoga video. I’ve never been into yoga but it was the one video in the list that wasn’t one of the stock meditation companies. They put out the same video but change the title each time so they will show up in every keyword search. They always have millions of views. I like watching the people who have 382 views over 3 years. Anyway, this yoga chick has like 8 million views so I guess I am the only person who doesn’t know who she is. I watched the video because there was a big dog sleeping on the floor behind her. I watched the dog through the whole video. He didn’t open his eyes once for 10 minutes. He moved his leg a couple times so I knew he was alive.

Watching that video calmed me down enough to write this.. Calm is a relative term. I am still jacked up. I will be chill enough to go see my daughter this morning. I still have time to get my shit together. There are 4 dogs at her house so that helps. They get over excited when I first walk in and then they just want to hang out and do dog things. Yeah, I gotta start thinking about that. I did do something right. I got up hours earlier than I needed to because I knew I was going to wake up feeling this way. I knew I would need time to calm myself down. Now I have been up for hours but it is actually still early in the morning. I just need to put this on and find one more thing to distract me for a few minutes.