Home Remedy

Mechanical Typewriter

a factual technicality
contractual reality
conceptually inaccurate
remembering when
again and again
says she likes her men
fashionably passionate

wait a minute, there is a catch
before I strike a match

immolation reflects off her eyes
not passing through the lenses
resurrection between her thighs
driving her out of her senses

ready to please

words obeyed
but never spoken

genuflecting with ease

a promise not made
is never broken

I stop
I am not done
nor demanding
she has come
understanding
are you sure?

(tilting my head toward the door)

sitting in silence
is she taking a guess?
I acquiesced to this palliative cure

before leaving she turns
may I come back for more?

Salacious Smile

She said I have bedroom eyes
I said I didn’t know what she meant, coyly
Does she want to fuck me?
Right here in front of my girlfriend?
But she laughed and agreed.
Then her sisters joined in.
They all thought it was funny.
I thought…
(Me and my bedroom eyes are going to have a story to tell or we are going home alone)
I really wasn’t that coy.
Behind my smile I thought, (I got, crazy coked out, mescaline style, junked up , ecstasy eyes)
(I swear, it’s written all over my face)
It’s was the running joke, here comes cousin Bill with the bedroom eyes, look out, look out!
My friend’s all made fun of me too.
But they weren’t upstairs with me and the college girls who visited for the summer?
I thought…
(why load the gun if you’re not going to pull the trigger?)

Y’All Ready For This?

Waiting for the noise to stop. It’s quiet now except for the sound of “Uncle Ray” snoring on the couch. I have lot’s of “Uncles”. That is my signal to slip out of bed. Stepping softly towards the kitchen to the left. Slowly nudge the refrigerator door open, holding my breath until the vacuum seal pops. Seven bottles of Schlitz,(gives you the shits, haha) I am strong enough to twist off the top, it is a game for us kids. Ease the door shut until the airlock. (did it) Into the living room, search the ashtray on the coffee table for a roach… I know how to smoke it. Hold it between a split paper match…Somehow I know it is called a “Jefferson Airplane”. I know I only need a little.

Still silently stepping over a body passed out on the floor. The newest issue of Penthouse Magazine is on top of the stack on the rack next to the Zenith television console. I sit cross-legged on the floor and open the glossy pages.

I don’t know what I’m seeing but I like it somehow. I know the pleasure of my penis, but I haven’t made the connection yet. They don’t look like real people. That is not what holds my interest.

Letters to Penthouse; my favorite,; later on I would find out they are not real. (or were they? Now I write my own, do you believe them?) Who are these people? What is a “clit?”, What are these people talking about? I kind of know, I’ve seen sex before. I don’t know, it is my favorite, I never miss an issue. (my cousin while I’m looking at the cereal box; Do you have to fucking read everything?)

Softly sit down next to “Uncle Ray” on the couch. Cosmopolitan Magazine, “15 ways to please your man!”, “How to keep him coming back for more”. Who are these people? I have never met anyone who looks like this. What are they trying to do?

Move on next to the big white bible, “The Kinsey Reports”. This is fascinating; I know all these body parts but not the words, vagina, penis, gspot, orgasm, urethra?

The sun is coming up. This is the most peaceful time of day. I have to get back to bed and pretend I have been sleeping. School starts soon.

Guess what grade I am in?

Tainted Love

Heart colored pencils

“Don’t touch me, please
I cannot stand the way you tease
I love you though you hurt me so
Now I’m gonna pack my things and go”

“Tainted Love” Soft Cell, I prefer Marilyn Manson

Done gone and fucked up again! It’s still happening. I swore off meeting people online and what did I do last night? Oh yeah… You guessed it. I don’t even know why the fuck I’m doing it! I stopped cause I kept getting catfished by guys and they’re not even good at catfishing… Some of them send a message pretending to be a woman and their email is their real name, like “Justin Jones” or something. Sometimes they send you pictures and I google image search them and they are from some Mexican porn site. I’m so bored I play along like I believe them. It just got so stupid. I would go online and these guys are waiting to mess with me.

So what am I doing back online? I know what I’m doing… I’m looking at the fucking calendar and it’s almost November! I know what I’m doing. I really don’t want to sit around all winter watching repeats of “Chopped” on the Food Network. I know that is Black and White and I am leaving myself no freedom of choice, but what the fuck? But 10pm on a Monday? Here I go again. What exactly am I expecting to happen? This site gives me just enough of a tease to give it a chance. But, seriously, last time I wrote about it was a year ago (winter approaching) when I had my dream come true for one day. I’m too old for this shit! I know the real reason. Last year wasn’t my dream come true. My dream come true was three years ago when I met T—- and A—-. Every guy’s fantasy is to have a threesome with two women… But on a regular basis for 3 years? They disappeared this summer. Poof!

There I am, Monday night. I’m thinking I’m so stupid, I’m getting offline right now. Then I get an email. But ten minutes? Too good to be true! She sent a picture but seriously? This hot woman is super interested in me and my lame attempt to get laid? I searched her picture and it wasn’t online but I’ve had that before. Still… She’s talking like she is down the street from me. Whatever… Bored… But wondering? Talking, starting to believe her, nothing too explicit but we are both there too hook up. I said something like, Are you asking me to invite you over right now? She said, no, but maybe coffee tomorrow. Alright, I am talking to a real person. Sorry if I was too forward, coffee sounds great.

Nothing… Then an email from “some hung young one”, saying, Don’t be silly, of course I want to meet you! You know I want to suck that D….! Like we been talking all along. Like what the fuck! I just started to believe she might be real and now it’s a guy using two email addresses. I am an idiot! Told him to fuck off and signed off. Whatever… Red Sox won.. Go to bed. Good one! When is the last time you slept?

An hour later she sends another email with her phone number saying text her but I don’t believe it cause I’ve been sent phone numbers before thinking they are real and all I say is “Hi, you gave me your number online” and it’s is someone saying sorry I broke up with my boyfriend and he is giving out my phone number. Funny story I have already written. The guy I used to buy dope from seemed like he was really cool and friendly until his girlfriend broke up with him and he put her real name Facebook page online pretending it was her looking for some D. Then I randomly hooked up with her on the same site a month later! Like, I never, never, would have thought.

Now I believe she is real cause I looked up her number and it was her email name but she is asking me all these crazy questions like I am a scam. Yeah, I’m posing as a horny guy on Monday night. We figured it out and had a good text convo, Nothing sexual, so I’m thinking she doesn’t do this much maybe. she is getting to know me.. I have no problem with it. I’m too old to be trying to hookup with everyone. We had a lot in common.But she is telling me she has to pick up her son, it’s 2am and bring him to a Doctor at 9am. Whatever? Still she’s not messing with my head now.

But meeting for “coffee” was slowly turning into, I like to dress sexy… oh yeah? Normal conversation… High heels ant thigh highs… Please stop, I live alone and it is 4am… Back to favorite music, favorite bands, she turned me on to Seether. I couldn’t believe I never paid attention to themone way or the other.

All non-sequitors. She keeps dropping sex, in between saying she get’s really wet, like okay, so does everyone. But saying she is really hard to orgasm. I don’t know, I don’t brag I’m a stud but I know my way around the body. But she says it only happens with a man who uses his hands. What? I know to use hands but there are better ways. Now I’m thinking maybe I’m not the guy she is looking for? Maybe I don’t know what I’m doing? But she is really grooving on me. Still talking. Then she starts sending the pictures… Didn’t I tell you not to do this to me? But she asks, Do you promise to be there after my son’s appointment tomorrow? Yeah, bet your ass! But could you not do this to me at 5am? She says great! How old are you? I tell her the truth because I look older and there is no point in lying. She tells me, good, I am 58… The fuck?!!! No way! Sends me another picture… Age is truly just a number. The picture…The whole time talking her and the previous pictures and conversations, I thought maybe 40, 45? Not older than me! I still don’t believe it, She better not be sending me 20 year old pictures. I zoom in on her face and yeah, she’s got some eye lines, a little hook on the corner of her mouth, looks right… But she is fucking rocking that body! I said, Yes, you are truly smoking hot! I’m imagining all kind of shit but it’ 6am and she fell asleep and none of this is going to happen.

I go to sleep. Do you think this is the end of the story? Oh no! I said, I guess I am not going to sleep. She didn’t answer. I’m still like, 99 percent sure. Tried to sleep but who are we kidding? Kinda fell asleep like 7:30, 8am, I didn’t set my alarm but my phone rang at 9am. A New Jersey number!!! It’s true! It’s her! Noooo! She used to live in New Jersey, she has a 603 number like me, New Hampshire. I’m not picking up it. She said 9am, it’s a New Jersey number, I’m answering! I was right, bullshit, fake caller ID. But the badge falls away and underneath is a text from her! “My son’s appointment was cancelled, call me when you wake up!” Whaaaaat? Fucking right I called her! (Am I crazy or are you crazy?) She answered, first ring. She didn’t think the New Jersey call was that amazing, but come on. (If you read me before you may think I’m delusional but you know I’m not, right? Could you make this shit up?)

She told me she usually needs some coffee and a shower, yes I agree… I think I will go get a coffee. Okay, call me back. I call back. Would you like me to come down now or later today? What? Is this an option? Do you think I have a choice? I’ve been dreaming about you since you said thigh highs. The only time I wasn’t dreaming about you was when I was sleeping! But you know me, I played it cool. You know I want you right now, but I don’t want you to rush. Okay, text me your address and I will call when I am leaving. Okay? The stars are lining up, I guess? Not really! The whole summer I’ve been outside. My fucking place is trashed! I can take a shower but this is not presentable. I feel like I threw a hook in the ocean, not expecting to catch the big fish! Now it’s on he line.

Funny because I remember leaving a comment on someone’s blog yesterday about feeling overwhelmed, saying I try to pick the easiest thing and say if I only do that today I will be happy and it usually snowballs and I end up doing a lot more. Only I haven’t been taking my own advice! Do you know another source of motivation? Pussy! I got that coffee and started up fast! I was surprised how fast it went, I didn’t do a deep clean but looking like I am presentable. I can’t believe I never got this started before.

I know what you are thinking [Interruption: You all know the rules of online dating, right? Meet in public, tell a friend, etc.. Do you know how many women I have told I am on disability for schizo and they come to my door with no worries, middle of the night? I don’t know, it’s a lot, a lot, maybe you can tell me how many? Granted, some of them are schizo, but they are the best ones. But mostly, ordinary average people… Your next door neighbor! Can you imagine your neighbor coming to visit me at 3am? Maybe she already has?] Is that what you were thinking?

I got a coffee, I did it all, I look like above a dullard, but I can’t settle down. She texted she was leaving when? I got time to do a meditation… No… The phone rings! She is here! (That is what I liked, she talks on the phone) I have to go down three floors to let her in, I hustle cause I don’t like to leave anyone standing there. Took the stairs cause they are faster than the elevator. Before I turn the corner I remember to smile. Keep smiling. There she is starting down the first step. She said she was not dressing special cause it’s morning/noon, me too, jeans and t-shirt. Turns out, I’m under-dressed! She has style! Fuck! I’m worried, Old? What? Better than her picture! Now I know I’m not pretty, all I have is words. But fucking big smile, hug, kiss on the lips even though I gave the slight option of turning my head a bit. We all know where this is going!

She is one sexy bitch! No way is this going to work… Upstairs. She’s raving about my place, (she loves the coffee table I found by the dumpster. It is pretty nice, that’ is why I carried it’s 200 pound ass up the stairs.) But we’re on the couch forever. Talking cats, kids, cats, kids, she is just trying to make a pleasant exit, right? But then, Mind if I dab? Okay, heard about it, never seen it, go ahead. She pulls out the apparatus, explains it… No thanks, cause me anxiety. Now, we are vibing, we have a little connection, we both like human names for our pets. We both had a lot of really good ones. She keeps pulling videos on her phone, Songs I likebut never heard before. Then, Amy Winehouse. I never knew she played guitar with a horn ensemble before she got big? Not into her before but now I think. (Okay, get to the good part?)

(The good part) I’m thinking, sometimes I’m slow, she is out of my league but we have a lot in common (more than pets) Why am I worried? I think she’s just talking to be polite but she’s been talking for a while and still sitting there, I put my hand on her thigh and everything changed. Maybe she was worrying the same? I don’t know? Much friendlier. This is encouraging. Now we’re talking sex, exploring ideas, she asks me again if I am into the “lifestyle” I know what she means but play dumb… she’s talking, asking me questions, no, I’m not into the “lifestyle”. But fucked up shit has been going on in my “lifestyle’. (never mind that, we are headed in the right direction, I think) She is into some shit. I tell her I am straight up hard sex. Good sex, just sex. She was holding back but asking me leading questions. I told her the truth. The wildest I have done is this couple showed up in the early hours and I banged the guy’s wife in the back seat while he watched from the front. (Not really sure, but maybe) I might have been turned on by being watched? The best part was his wife was hot! Really hot! Why wasn’t he fucking her? I don’t know, lot of guys have sent me pics of their wives, asked if I want to bang their wives and when I ask, have you talked to your wife aboutt this? No. End of conversation.

I’m going on too long, I ask her what she likes and she pulls my thumbs below her pubic bone and right there. Again, only fingers. “Is that my g-spot?”, I don’t think so, i dont’ think so either itt’s my cervix. Alright, I’ve heard this once before but my dick hit it. But she says no. Only hands. She needs a man who is good with his hands. Now I’m intimidated, but this is heading straight to my bedroom. Still, she said it is long time to orgasm and only fingers? Not me? \

(Okay, good part) What ever I was doing, I was doing right and I was doing it right away. Like 20 seconds! I have met many women who say, I warn you, I am a squirter so you might need a towel, ha ha, But then they do it and it’s not much. Different story today! All she said was she gets very wet and it takes a long time. (am I getting too graphic?) Fucking wet was an understatement! Fucking Niagara Falls! Apparently I know exactly what she needs. I can feel it. I don’t know, It wasn’t her cervix. My fingers are not that long! She asked, where is my g-spot, I said, right here, Nope, nothing… I don’t care, I got back to touching her cervix which I know I can’t reach but there is something there. It’s a big lump of erectile tissue and all I knew what that was all about, I know the relation between a man’s erectile tissue and a woman’s. Whatever? I’m no Dr. Kinsey but it was every 20 seconds and every 20 seconds and every 20 seconds! Very wet? I’m cupping my hand, it’s full of liquid and it’s overflowing. [omit some x-rated parts, and some more x-rated parts] Now, 4 hours later, she’s still fucking doing it! Every 20 seconds, I’m just curious if it’s ever going to stop?! No! It never stopped!

(Had enough yet?) So what? Where are we? Oh yeah, coffee… We had lot’s of coffee! Four hours later, I’ve done everything I imagined and more, I’m worn out! My head is spinning, my body is buzzing, I’m totally sober and I’m staggering around, slurring my words. I know I haven’t slept but you know? Maybe you don’t. I put myself aside, I was done, but she wasn’t, I wanted to see where this goes. Personally I’m done but I want to see where it goes. I’m not really done. I am fucking super turned on I know I make people feel good, but this good??? But she’s getting up and saying, wow, your blanket is wet! Everywhere I touch, I’m sorry… No, thank you! This is fucking great! I said I was intimidated before and she was confused. She said never this much! I am not that fucking good?

Should I publish this? (you know I will) Look! Look! It’s 4am again! What am I doing all night. I’m sitting here listening to Marilyn Manson covers. I didn’t know he had like a hundred. And I’m wondering cuz I’m not really her type. She tested me out. I think she had a guy in mind to have a mmf with but I told her it’s not my thing. I do enjoy being watched. But I don’t want touching.

I keep repeating myself. She laughed about the blanket being wet. I texted her after I pulled it off the bed, “Where do I send the bill for the blankets, sheets, mattress, box spring and carpet I have to replace. Haha. But I am serious, half my bedroom is flooded with pussy juice!

WEmoticon

Heart colored pencils

I sent her a clever message coming up on midnight on a Thursday. She came back immediately with something funnier which surprised me because I wasn’t expecting an answer at all. I used to be slow at asking for numbers but not that night. I asked, Do you want to text and she sent me the info. We stayed up most of the night flirt-texting. We got along great with no hesitation between messages.

She worked 2nd shift and had kids in school so she was only available in the mornings. That was okay, I never slept. I think I ended up inviting myself over that morning. She said, yeah, after her kids left for school. (This will date me) I looked up her address on MapQuest and printed it out. She lived about 5 miles away. A right turn and a left turn.

She told me she wanted me to come over, open the door to her apartment, find her bedroom, walk in and fake rape her. I never had any rape fantasies but the letting myself in and finding her in bed sounded exciting. Ultimately I chickened out. I believed her but I couldn’t shake the possibility she was giving me someone else’s address and I could get into a lot of trouble. I told her she would have to wait in the living room and I would knock once.

I probably had some more coffee while I waited and then I texted her a “;)” emoji. She texted back, “;)”. I went out to my car and left. I walked up the stairs and knocked once. The door opened and she smiled and let me in. We sat on the couch and got comfortable talking for a few minutes and she was the one who ended up raping me.

In the bedroom I got my first surprise. I had heard about it but never met anyone who did it. As soon as I put it in, she slammed shut and forced me back out. Then she ejaculated about a pint of liquid spraying all over me. It’s not urine. it’s slightly slippery like a guy’s prejaculate.

She was also the first woman I’ve met that asked me to call her a “bitch, slut and whore.” I’m not very verbal but hey, she told me to do it. I liked it because she got more excited every time I called her a name. I am usually pretty quiet but I am capable of talking.

After the first day, things went pretty well. Every Friday morning I would text 😉 and she would answer 😉 and I would drive to her place. We got to be good friends while I was there, we just didn’t text much. At the end of that winter her mom got cancer so she and the kids moved in with mom to take care of her. We talked for a bit after that, then one night I sent a text and it went to another woman who just got her the (new to her) phone number. But that is a different story.

Stupified

Heart colored pencils

I haven’t tried to hook up with anyone online since November. I wasn’t even trying to hook up in February when someone from forever ago looked me up. I wasn’t going to last night because it was late night at the end of the weekend and the chance of meeting someone was zero.

A___ came over Saturday and it was good but she wanted me to finish before I was ready because she had to go home. Usually after I see her I don’t think about sex for a week but I was all charged up. It didn’t matter, there was nothing I could do about it. That part of my brain that causes a sex binge clicked on.

I still wasn’t going to do anything, like I said, Sunday night. But I had the impulse and decided to go online. If I hadn’t followed that impulse at that exact moment none of this would have happened. Within 10 minutes I was talking to a woman and got her number and texted until about 2 in the morning. Not only did I talk to someone when the chances were nil, she lives about 20 minutes away but she spends 2 hours every afternoon in my little town with nothing to do. We made plans to meet today.

Today came and we texted in the morning while we waited for the afternoon. She came across great in writing and I came across great in writing but when she showed up, boom! We are both schizophrenics! She didn’t tell me she was diagnosed, that is just my personal blanket diagnosis when I meet someone who acts and does exactly like me. JFC… How do I meet people like this so many times? Was she wondering the same thing. It does happen all the time to me. I bet I have been friends with more schizophrenics than anyone and I never joined a support group or anything.

Needless to say we made each other both nervous. From downstairs, up the elevator, down the hall and into my living room she was on her phone. Texting, showing me pictures from her home security cam, showing me pictures of her deer hunting cams. This little tiny girl not even 5 feet tall likes killing deer so much she sets out cameras in the woods to track them. She was on her phone telling me three things at once and one of them was this person keeps texting but as long as she texts back it is fine. So she texted back.

We were in my room and she was acting really nervous but she took off her clothes and got into my bed first so I did the same. I thought it was time but she turned away from me and went to her phone. That was weird but she turned open towards me again. Okay. Then back to her phone. I felt weird and my brain kicked into overdrive. Does she even want to be here? Is she only going to text? Am I making her do something she doesn’t want to do? I don’t want to do that. If she doesn’t want to do anything why is she lying open in front of me in a position to start doing something? My brain won’t stop asking stupid questions. Of course she wants to do something. At this point it would be weird if I didn’t reach out and touch her. She was either going to pull away or not and she didn’t so it started to go well.

Then she turned completely away to her phone again and I’m like, are we done? What just happened. And she pushed her back against me and we started again but my mind still won’t stop with all the questions from before. Does she want to leave? But also, Of course she doesn’t want to leave. We are really going at it and both having a great time. It’s not like in the movies. There is a certain noise and she is making that noise, making that noise and making more of that noise. Suddenly she’s not making any noise because she can’t breath for a few seconds. She made the ugly face too. The face you can only make if you have ugly face orgasms. All the signs of someone really enjoying themselves so why do I keep wondering if she is enjoying herself?

I’m calling myself stupid because I can’t get all these thoughts out of my head. But I’m also really enjoying myself. Like, we were having great sex but I couldn’t realize it. Then I couldn’t support myself anymore and was sweating from doing all the work so I backed off for a second. I think she thought I was done. She went to the edge of the bed and grabbed her phone again. She said she had to keep texting but I didn’t know she meant constantly. She stopped and started telling me stories about people I had no idea who they are. She didn’t have any of the nervousness from before. I guess she was done because she thought I was done but I wasn’t done but it was too late because we were in wrap up time. I thought it was too soon to be done.

She was definitely manic sitting on the edge of the bed putting on her clothes, telling me stories, texting, showing me the deer camera, is that a coyote? It’s too big to be a fox. All at the same time. I’m confused, My mind is still stuck on earlier time even though she is relaxed now. We are definitely done. I don’t want to be done but it is tough when one of you is fully dressed. I got dressed and brought her down to her truck. My building is huge and people get lost. Everything looks the same.

We were talking pleasantly for a few in the parking lot and she said, so, I guess I’ll message you. I didn’t get a good feeling about that and she left. I still had the question of did she enjoy herself. Yes, she did part of the time but was the whole experience enjoyable overall? I waited a while and couldn’t help myself, I texted, thanks for coming by, I liked you. She said she had a good time and I said me too. Then I deleted her number from my phone and deleted the emails where she gave me her number. I don’t want to be tempted to be stupid one night and bother her if she doesn’t want to be bothered by me. I have a feeling she will contact me again. I don’t go very long without having another schizophrenic in my life.

Monogamous for the Moment

Heart colored pencils

I met G___ on POF a long time ago when it was still a fun app to use for dating. I was manic and never slept so I was pretty much talking to anyone who would type back. She typed back the most but didn’t seem interested in meeting me. I didn’t care. She was funny. We spent most of the time making fun of all the other people we met through the app. I was messing around with a few women and told her about it. It wasn’t until I was single, single that she wanted to meet me. I knew she wouldn’t just come to hang and bang so I made a bet with her that was designed for me to lose. Don’t get dirty now, the bet was loser pays for lunch. It was just my way of getting her to drive up here and meet me for lunch. I’ve been wracking my brain trying to remember what the bet was because it was hilarious. But I lost and invited her to lunch the next day. We went to a nice place a couple towns over but they had reasonable priced lunches. And it was good food. I remember we talked in person as easily as we typed and texted so that went well. She wanted Starbucks after and we went for a ride. We came back to my apartments and I used the only canned line I use when I think someone is going to say yes. “Want to come up and see how the other half lives? Anyway, it makes me laugh. I knew she was going to say yes. I knew she was promiscuous (no pejorative) but she also wanted monogamy. It didn’t matter if I only broke up with my girlfriend an hour ago, as long as I didn’t have a girlfriend. We hooked up that day and I think one more time. I don’t remember much more than that. Neither of us drank at the time so that is not why I can’t remember. Whatever. She met another guy and had to be monogamous again so we lost touch.

I wouldn’t be writing this at all if she had not texted me last Saturday around midnight asking me what’s up. It had been so long I had taken her out of my contacts so I was lucky she told me her name in the first text. I remembered the whole first paragraph I just wrote when I saw her name so that was good. We chatted for a bit and she asked me if I had a girlfriend. I said I didn’t and then she steered the conversation towards sexting. She doesn’t drink so it’s not like she just got home from the bar and was drunk and horny. And we had never texted sexually before but whatever. I’ve been a raging alcoholic my whole life but I attract women who don’t drink or drink very little. (go figure?) We did all that and then I said I wanted to follow through on what we talked about.

It was my fault. It was exciting getting looked up by someone I barely remembered. She had Friday off so we planned on her coming up to see me and I thought about it all week. Then she got in here and my memory had filled in a lot of holes faultily. She wasn’t the person I thought I knew. I wanted to back out but we had talked it up for 5 days. I don’t know what to do. I wasn’t sure what she wanted from me because she told me she just broke up with her boyfriend. The one from earlier in the story. So it was a serious relationship she had going on. I mean I know what she wanted from me. It was just strange to look me up after so long. It was several years longer than I thought. I just felt weird about the whole thing. I wrote about it in my journal post yesterday. I don’t think I’m going to contact her back.

GOAT

Sunday the 7th

I have to admit I am a Patriots fan and I wanted Brady to win tonight. I can’t help it. They sucked for the first half of my life so you can watch them win for the second half. Ha. Really though, my first memories were of watching football and going outside at halftime to pretend we were the players in the snow. Don’t get too far ahead of yourself. I’ve never played “fantasy football.”

Slightly off topic. I got a text from a woman I haven’t heard from in 5 years last night after midnight. She ended up wanting to sext! (go figure) We hooked up a couple of times before we lost touch; because she got serious with another guy. I haven’t talked to her since before my accident. It was a good thing she told me her name in the first text because I didn’t have her in my contacts anymore. I asked her what she would have done if she had the wrong number and another guy pretended to be me? She wants to come over this Friday. Looks like I will have to clean up this dump.

Tuesday

I’m making a concerted effort to clean this place. In my bedroom I found clothes I was wearing in the hospital back in 2017! I took out a large bag of other clothes that didn’t fit me. Some of them never fit me. I don’t know why I was hanging onto them. I even took the blanket of the couch I was using to protect it from the cat. He was trying to tear up the cloth when I bought it. I don’t understand how I can put something somewhere and it will stay there for years. But if I was looking for it, I would never be able to find it. I’ve got some laundry to do. I don’t think that is going to happen. Right now the cat is on the couch cleaning himself and will leave hair all over it. Great!

Wednesday

I’ve made a couple videos in the Windows 10 Video Editor. They are less than 5 minutes long. One is my cat stalking his water dish in slow motion with some music and the other is me walking around my building in a snowstorm, talking. I added background music to that also. I made my own music from loops available in Bandlab. It was the only application I could find that allowed me to create copyright free music. I still have to figure out if I can add a narration track to one video or if I have to choose between music and voice. I don’t have a microphone yet so it will have to wait.

It is all new to me and caused me a great deal of anxiety. Figuring out the easiest way to download video and music. It was all new to me. I am sure I made some mistakes.

Thursday

All of the apartments in my building are getting new toilets. They are in there doing mine right now. It sounds like they are using a reciprocating saw to cut the bolts. Then they tried to pick it up without disconnecting the water supply. That could have been a disaster but the helper saw it just in time. I could do the work myself but it’s not my responsibility. I hate plumbing anyway. It’s so gross. I would rather sit here and write about it. I don’t think they have replaced them since this place was built 50 years ago! Now it sounds like they are having trouble getting it to sit flat because some of the 1 inch tiles broke. All they need is a plastic shim and it would be fine. I’m not going to say anything. People in construction don’t like to be told what to do.

Friday

Today was one of those times where expectation didn’t live up to reality. It was exciting hearing from someone from 5 years ago who wants to hook up but the texting was better than the meeting. Maybe that’s why we hadn’t talked in 5 years. Maybe longer. My memory held a different idea. I liked talking to her. Having sex was a different story. I was trying to be passionate and I was at first but I quit halfway through. I didn’t just stop. I kept going through with it because we did all that talking last Saturday. I just disconnected. I didn’t want to be there any longer but it was my bed. I had nowhere to go. So I faked an orgasm. A guy can do it. It’s easy. Especially if you are wearing a condom. Nobody knows what is going on down there.

Ironically, now I have a head ache.

Saturday

I just remembered tomorrow is Valentine’s day. I mean I knew about it, but it was abstract. It was sometime in the near future. This year I wanted to do something for my daughter. It’s never been a holiday for us anyway.I remember looking at the date yesterday, the 12th but it didn’t make me think the 14th was 2 days away. I was hoping she would get that vinyl single I ordered for Christmas. They didn’t have any shipping options and sent it snail mail from England with a Covid warning. I gave it a lot of time until I sent them an email saying, yo, I didn’t get my shit. They got back to me but told me to call my local post office and blah…I know it got lost so I just bought it again. But it’s still going to be shipped snail mail with no tracking info. I know the site is legit because it’s the Royal Blood page. It’s not like nobody has ever heard of the band.

I woke up very early this morning. Deliberately. I went to bed early and even set my alarm for 8. (wishful thinking) I was freaking from the moment I got up. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I drank my usual coffee and that was a mistake. I am so agitated. I thought I would try a relax meditation video on YouTube. That didn’t work at all. I tried a several and the first few seconds of each was horror. I stopped and freaked out some more. I’ve been watching meditation videos for the past week. The thing about them is they only work if I am already relaxed. A few times I could catch myself at night time at the right time and I could zone in for an hour. I could make myself super relaxed for a couple hours. Other times, like today I can’t handle more than a couple seconds but I tried it because that is the time I need to do it. Right? It doesn’t work.

I finally went back after trying other ways to distract myself. I accidentally found a yoga video. I’ve never been into yoga but it was the one video in the list that wasn’t one of the stock meditation companies. They put out the same video but change the title each time so they will show up in every keyword search. They always have millions of views. I like watching the people who have 382 views over 3 years. Anyway, this yoga chick has like 8 million views so I guess I am the only person who doesn’t know who she is. I watched the video because there was a big dog sleeping on the floor behind her. I watched the dog through the whole video. He didn’t open his eyes once for 10 minutes. He moved his leg a couple times so I knew he was alive.

Watching that video calmed me down enough to write this.. Calm is a relative term. I am still jacked up. I will be chill enough to go see my daughter this morning. I still have time to get my shit together. There are 4 dogs at her house so that helps. They get over excited when I first walk in and then they just want to hang out and do dog things. Yeah, I gotta start thinking about that. I did do something right. I got up hours earlier than I needed to because I knew I was going to wake up feeling this way. I knew I would need time to calm myself down. Now I have been up for hours but it is actually still early in the morning. I just need to put this on and find one more thing to distract me for a few minutes.

After Hours

Heart colored pencils

She got to my place just after midnight. The first thing she did was ask if she could smoke. There was no smoking allowed in my building but I said yes because I didn’t want her to leave. I slid open the window for her and made an ashtray out of aluminum foil. She stood there nervously flicking the ash in the tray and blowing clouds out the window. All the time asking me questions about myself. We got along well enough that she calmed down and asked me if I minded if she took a shower. I said yes and found her a towel. I made myself at home on the couch. In a few minutes I heard, “Do you mind if I take a bath?” I thought it was a weird request but again I said yes. I was just going with the flow. I turned to go back to the couch and she yelled out to ask if I had any cleaning supplies so she could clean the tub first. I told her where to look, talking through the closed door. Now things were getting strange. I can understand wanting to be in a clean tub but this was hardly the time or the place. Besides, I had only been living there for a month and the whole bathroom had been professionally cleaned before I moved in. I went back to the living room and flipped on the tv, wondering what was up with this chick.

After a half hour I could still hear the tub running and her making noises. I went to the bathroom door and asked if she was okay. She said she was fine, she is just a neat freak. I’m pretty easy going so I went back to the television and the couch.

Now she had been in there for over an hour and I was wondering what the fuck she could be doing in there. I walked down the hall and asked if she was alright in there. I tried the knob but the door was locked. I could still hear the water running and she said she was fine, just taking a bath. Are you sure?, Yes, Okay, Back to the couch.

I waited another half hour and still the same, and then again. Each time she said she was fine she just needed 15 more minutes. I’m wondering who the fuck this person is I met online who came over to lock herself in my bathroom. Now I was getting nervous. What if she never came out?

I waited, wondering what to do next. I kept going back and she had been in there for hours. Finally I told her she had to let me in, I had to use the bathroom myself. She asked for another 15 minutes and this time she let me in. She was fully dressed and the bathroom had been completely scoured from floor to ceiling!

She said, “I did something naughty in there.” and laughed. I said, “What? Used all my bleach?” She said, “No, I was sniffing Addies.” I’m thinking, great, she seemed normal talking online and for the first half hour she was here. But she grabbed me by the hand and pulled me towards the bedroom. We had sex, good sex, while the sun rose. It was the middle of summer so I did the math. She had spent 3 hours cleaning my bathroom. What did she do? Scrub the tile with my toothbrush?

She said she had to leave early because her son was at her mom’s house and she had to pick him up and bring him to school. I wish I could say that was the last time I saw her but in my book that counts as a pretty good night!

One Lump or Two?

Heart colored pencils

I met this chick on OkStupid back when it was a free, fully functional dating site. Back then there was no paying for extra features. What the hell? I had been divorced a number of years. It was back when I used to fall into the text trap. She got my number and it was texting from the moment she woke up until the minute she went to sleep. I just can’t do that and I’ve found out it is a major red flag. Whatever… We got along talking fine and I only had to wait several days to meet her in person. The weird thing I remember about her was her saying we were very similar. I was on disability for a mental illness and she had a young son with autism. No. You should be paying attention to your son instead of texting me all day and night.


I lived up north with my brother and she lived down south with her parents but she was very interested in meeting me. There was not much to do where I lived so I said I would drive down to meet her in the “big city.” This story is so old it is pre GPS! I had to print out MapQuest directions to find the bar where we were supposed to meet. It was no problem. I come from the age of huge folding paper maps. She knew the place and we both liked to play pool. And have a couple drinks. I taught the bartender how to make Cousin’ B’s Lemonade. My namesake.

We started with our drinks and a couple games of pool. She was horrible. So I made her a bet. I said I could beat her 10 games in a row and she could choose what I win. Two drinks later she was 10 games in the hole and deep in debt. I asked her how she would like to pay.

Well. She totally fucking surprised me! She had me pay the bill and took me out to her mini-van. She grew up in the city and I had only visited the outskirts a few times. She parked down by the river that ran through the middle of town. We got out and she wanted to kiss but I was feeling stupid because we were like two kids outside in the middle of the night. She said wait a minute, I want to take you somewhere.

We piled into the mini-van and went roving. She drove me out of the city and showed me her parent’s house for some reason. She didn’t show it to me, we drove by and she pointed it out. Then next thing I know we are on the outskirts of town and she takes a turn down a wooded dirt road. We talked and it seemed like she drove on forever. I quickly figured out where we were. We were on the back road to her old high school’s baseball fields. She parked and told me she wanted to “pay up.” It turns out my billiards proficiency had earned me a nice blowjob in the mini-van! Then she drove me back to the bar and my car where I left for home.

I lived 40 miles north of her when we met and I was in the process of moving 40 miles east of her after the bet. I don’t know, it all happened within a week or so. I was in my new apartment with a television on the floor but happy as hell to be away from my brother’s house. It was pretty poor house over here. I had lawn furniture in my living room my mom had given me. I technically lived here but I hadn’t yet “moved in.”

I was sitting here one night after not hearing from her in a bit and I got a random text message from her. It said,” Does your new apartment have one bedroom or two?” If we were having a conversation I wouldn’t have thought anything of it. I answered back,” one” but I was thinking JC this woman wants to move in with me and her 4 year old kid based on a bj in the back of a mini-van! That just wasn’t happening! I don’t care how good a bj is?

She stopped talking to me after I said I only had one bedroom.