Chilled Beats

Robot Brain

“So why dispute me and waste my time?
Because you really think the price is high for me
I can’t look without being watched, no!
You rang my buy before I made up my mind

“Free Your Mind” En Vogue

I started to write this post Friday/Saturday around 4am. It was going to be a huge rant about some guy I don’t even know and I’m sure doesn’t remember me who I allowed to piss me off. I know I can’t control other people’s actions but this summer I have been working on controlling my reactions. You can see I still need to work on it as I am still trying to rant about it now and it is Monday morning. I am getting really good at it except when someone crosses my boundaries. I am glad I stopped myself because my reaction was out of proportion. He has no idea about my boundaries. I had a 3,000 word post written in my head describing every detail of who, what, where, when and why plus more imagined details about his life so I could get even more pissed. The whole time I knew I should stop and I was trying to stop. I forced myself to lie down and put an hour long relaxation meditation on the television. It calmed me but when it was over I got back up and started again. Fuck it! Another hour long video! I finally fell asleep around six am. (Look at me… I still want to veer off into those 3,000 words!)

It is something that has really been bugging me because I solved the problem when I was 18-20 years old but I can’t remember how. I didn’t like how people could push my buttons and send me through the roof. Some people would do it on purpose for laughs. I had it figured but it became an issue again a few years ago. I just didn’t realize it until now.

My phone alarm went off at quarter to nine (08:45) to remind me of my Zoom meditation. I didn’t set my alarm to quarter to his dumb ass. (22:Dumb Ass) Two months ago I was afraid to download Zoom and when I first heard of meditating with a group online I thought, How the fuck is that supposed to happen? I could not picture myself even trying it and now I’m wishing they did more sessions. It’s not even the meditation. Half the time when they shut off the cameras and mute the microphones I get up and make tea, eat an apple, take a piss, whatever? Sometimes I do the whole meeting. I enjoy it. I like the group (Community Mindfulness Project) because they are science based. But what I like most about it is the people. I think the most I’ve seen at one session was eight. It’s not the same people all the time but there are a few that I see a lot. But what do I have in common with them besides meditation. Like I said, that’s why I am there but not really. I can do that just as well on my own.

What do I have in common with the main coordinator who is a younger woman with a masters in neuroscience. Apparently a lot. Or the retired creative writing teacher who looks like he just rolled out of bed after a drunk? I guess that one makes sense. But what about the older black woman who I think may be homeless? Maybe not but she is always outside in whatever city with her camera on a selfie stick. We’ve had a couple great talks. I guess that one might make sense too. The other day it was just me, the scientist and someone I didn’t think we would get along. When it was done we talked for twenty minutes. I have more in common with them and feel better after than I do with the people in the online addiction meetings. (OMG… I still want to vent about it)

Saturday morning after the meditation I started getting pissed the night before again. Stop! I pulled out a piece of paper I use to write a plan of action when I am ruminating because I know that is a major factor in getting myself all angry. I only have a few and the plan of action is always the same. “Take no action.” But then I thought, there is an action I can take. Work on my reaction. I thought my biggest hurdle would be self acceptance but now acceptance of others has been popping up. I read some about it and the advice was let it go, forget about it, ignore it. I figured that, but how do I do it? It worked when I was younger. I read something helpful which was, “Accepting something doesn’t mean you have to like it” But if I accept it but still don’t like it. Aren’t I allowed to get a little mad? Is it healthy to just squash it? Something I still have to work on.

Then I was like, Fuck this shit! I know what the real problem is now. Back in June when I set my priorities and all the parts of my life I had to attend to in order to keep them straight; making myself go outside as much as possible on every nice day, bicycling or walking or whatever. That was for exercise, fresh air, sunshine and nature to help my mood and mental health; things I do every summer. It was easy because I was manic but somehow it turned into, “I’m going to screw up all my priorities.” I reset my mind on the plan and thought I got back on track but it still wasn’t right. I was still getting out every nice day but I was getting upset because nothing miraculous was happening to suddenly transform my life. What miracle was I expecting? That wasn’t part of the plan. The plan was each day I go out I feel a little better.

A week ago I started getting depressed but bouncing back and forth. I was actually praying for a rainy day so I wouldn’t have to go out and come home depressed. Friday it was finally cloudy and yes, I can stay home! But I still went out for a walk. I don’t know how or why… I remember telling myself to stay inside. I knew it was making me feel worse, I still did it. It was the worst walk of the year. I got back home thinking why did I do that? It’s not helping anymore. Time to change the plan. I’m feeling suicidal. I wanted to get drunk. I didn’t want to get drunk. I just wanted to stop feeling so horrible and slow the fuck down! Luckily I had reset my brain on that subject also. “You think you feel bad now? Imagine how you will feel when you wake up 4 days from now still feeling like this with a hangover on top of it, looking through your devices to see what you did… and flashes of saying crazy shit to people you don’t even know?”

Oh yeah, back to Saturday morning and fuck this shit. My mom texted and said the Red Sox play at 4:20. I know what the problem is. I haven’t taken a day off in months. Take the day off! Watch the game. Nothing! No going outside, no writing 3, 4 hours a day. Watch the game. You know what? Football is on all day tomorrow, take Sunday off too. All summer long I’ve been telling people to relax and cut themselves some slack but I haven’t been taking my own advice.

I know what you are thinking. (Because I can read your minds) A guy on disability has to take a day off? From what? I’m telling you. I was not resting. I remember the past couple weeks, doing shit all day then supposed to chill at night. No, I’m up, I got 14 tabs open on the computer, my tablet propped up against the monitor with whatever shit going on, typing 2,000 word blogs, while I’m writing 4 more posts in my head, I don’t write on the computer, I just type as fast as I can before I forget anything; getting irritated if I have to go back because I skipped something or have to reword it or didn’t correct a misspelling or change the grammar, switching to my offline journal or one of my lists or notes and don’t forget the pen and paper. And why the fuck does my mother keep texting me about baseball!? Okay, I turned the game on hours ago; it’s on mute to my left; they are winning.

(Saturday) My mother was was texting me about baseball because at the beginning of the season I got her into the Red Sox again because I was texting her the play by play. I don’t even care about baseball. I was just doing it to get through my anxiety and then the beginning of my upswing. It just turned out they had a really good team this year and they were exciting because almost every game you never who was going to do something great. All the players are great. She was texting me because they look like they are on the way to another World Series and I just missed them beat the Yankees in a one game do or die to get into the playoffs and I missed them beating Tampa in the first round! It’s not like the end of the world but I do like it. Somehow I cook dinner too.

[Aside] It reminds me of when I first started online dating and I would tell women I was on disability for bipolar. Some would be concerned and play 20 questions, worried if I’m violent some shit. (I’m not) But, so many times a woman’s first concern was, “What do you do all day?” What do I do all day? What do I do all day? What the fuck do you do all day? You are supposed to be doing your job but you have time to cruise dating sites and text me every two seconds. What do I do all day? “Whatever it takes to make it through the day.” I would say. Sometimes that would be the end of the conversation. [But I digress]

I shut down the computer and turned on the television. I couldn’t believe it! For the first time in I don’t know how long I was calm for more than a few hours in a row. I did try to watch Friday nights’ game and they lost. Doesn’t matter, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Saturday they crushed it! Last thing I remember was August and the whole team was in a slump. After holding first place all season they slipped down two spots. Now they look like the team I was telling my mom about months ago. Not only did they win in good fashion, they also pulled another one; the first team to hit two grand slams in one playoff game. Ever…. In 100 and whatever years of baseball. (Okay, so now I’m not so calm, but not too bad.)

[I’m getting worked up again. I’m looking at the clock and trying to type faster like I have a deadline. I don’t even have to finish this today.]

Saturday night I broke the rules and posted a poem. But it was only a copy and paste job. I couldn’t help it! It was all a dream. It meant something at the time.

Okay, I broke the rules Sunday morning too. I didn’t let myself sleep in, I set my alarm for another meditation. My mom texted football at 09:00 because the Dolphins were playing in London. Cool, it really is football all day. Think again! Halfway through I mute the t.v. and put on some music and I’m rifling through my papers trying to find to find the first draft of the first chapter of the book I’m never going to write. That is what I posted yesterday. I called it “Wet Dreams” trying to be funny but I already have a good title; “Adventures in Vagrancy” but I need really good opening line. It might not be the first chapter. Again, it seemed important at the time. I tell a lot of stories but I have never told that one. Like I just found out I only have a couple months left to live or something. I was reminded of it when I wrote the story last week about Joie and I getting let off a big hook by a cop who could have cuffed us and stuffed us! It was the first day I got depressed and I was going to type some really gruesome shit. Luckily that scene popped into my head and I sublimated.

Back to Sunday. The Patriots lost to the Cowboys but it was worth it. Friggin’ game was nuts! Even Romo who was calling the game and used to play quarterback for the Cowboys and is their biggest fan was getting excited about the Patriots. He didn’t care who won, he didn’t want the game to end. Maybe I didn’t take the weekend off. I was having some serious euphoric recall. After typing the story in the morning and the game in late afternoon, I caught myself and did a half hour breathing video. I could still catch the second half of the game and it was the best. There was still another game to go after that but I don’t like either team so I shut it down. I ate some good food and cooked and ate dinner late and went to my bedroom. Made it through the weekend!

Now I’m back at work! I’m slowing myself down now. Up early but made myself stay in bed. Started with another breathing. I haven’t had coffee for a while. I didn’t want to make my own so I went to the store. I was wondering why the Green Mountain in the dispenser looked so watery and noticed they had 6 new carafes. Labels, Pumpkin Spice, etc… “Eye Opener?” I must investigate. It had a long description but all I saw was, “A sinfully dark coffee with…” Sold! On the walk home I wrote the poem I posted earlier. (Guess who is on my mind) I texted my daughter before school. I stayed away from trying to give her a life lesson. Sometimes she just likes to know I’m there. My mom woke up just in time. She liked the coffee story.

I did have a good one for my daughter. I said, It’s not even Halloween and people are already creaming their jeans over xmas. She thought that was funny so I told her, I remember you were 8 and went on a huge rant when we drove by some xmas trees before thanksgiving. You had my mom and I cracking up!

Now here I am. I think I’m doing pretty good. This is coming from a man whose sanity check is, “Can I care for a cat?” Food, water and de-shitted the litter box all summer… So what do you think? I think I stressed him out. He is tired of taking care of me. He had been acting weird the past few nights, keeping me half awake walking circles around my head and over my chest and talking all night. When he does sleep, he crams himself behind the coffee maker and doesn’t look very comfortable. He never gets on the counter when I am awake so I don’t know. I’ve been pretty quiet and calm and giving him extra attention when he is awake. He has done this a few times in his 8 years.

When I started this blog I used to check my stats like crazy, then I had to take a break last winter/spring and when I came back I rarely looked. I used to be afraid to post more than twice a week but when I got back into it I posted almost every day. I noticed I would pick up followers faster so started checking my stats more. I rarely go back and read my own posts. If one gets more likes than usual or an interesting comment I will be interested in why or what I wrote. Also if someone like a post from a long time ago I’ll go back and wonder why or even how they found it. It’s been happening more often lately. I’m only mentioning because I thought it was strange this one got a like and a few views in the past 24 hours. I have never seen that on any of my posts before. It’s from September 21st at 02:00 and I am telling myself to take a fucking day off! Curiouser and curiouser

But Wait, There’s More!

Robot Brain

“I want to defy
The logic of all sex laws
Let the handcuffs slip off your wrists
I’ll let you be my chaperon
At the halfway home
I’m a full grown man
But I’m not afraid to cry”

“Sexx Laws” Beck

Okay, last month, why did I see a book on a website that had nothing to do with what I was searching, but I stopped what I was doing and reserved it on my library app? The title was something about miracles. I don’t believe in miracles. I’m not looking for a miracle. It pops up on my tablet a couple weeks later and I immediately start listening to it and it’s specifically geared towards women who want to lose weight and find a relationship. Do I stop? No. I keep listening. The first chapter is about recognizing your fears and figuring out which ones are realistic and how to work it. That’s what I was looking for! I finished the first chapter and didn’t need the book anymore.

Not good enough? The woman I met last Saturday online in the meditation session who said was going to send me a whatsapp invite then I figured she blew me off. Yesterday my phone went off and she sent me the invite. Later I got an email from her through the website telling me she sent me the invite. Okay, that’s normal. But why did she finish it with her full name and underneath that is says she is a LADC? It was meditation session. Nobody mentioned anything about alcohol or drugs.

[ Not so brief interlude: While I was typing it was time to log into the zoom meditation I’ve been waiting for because it sounded more my style. There were 5 people including the instructor. I’m the only new person and she introduced me and I said something short. She explains what the practice was going be today and asked if there were any questions. I didn’t have a question but I had something to say. I didn’t want to say it but you know I have to say it, right? “That’s weird, you just listed off 5 things I’ve been working on this summer…”, (I don’t want to say it but you know I have to say it, right?) “Synchronicty” She was right into it. She wasn’t a hippie. She was young and studied the neuroscience behind meditation, which is why I chose the group. That’s great. She started the meditation and the first sentence she mentioned rumination, which wasn’t in the list of things she stated. Now I’m all fucked up. I can’t meditate. I can’t wait for this to end because I want to tell everyone now.

Finally, it’s over and she asks for questions or comments. I have a comment! “It happened again. You mentioned ruminating and I didn’t tell you that an hour before this started I googled, ‘How to stop ruminating’ and of course meditation came up but I’ve done at least ten groups and nobody mentioned it before.” She started talking about the two areas in the brain that are involved in ruminating and one simple trick is to look out the window at the horizon and it helps. I told her that’s funny because my favorite place is the ocean and when I can see far into the distance all the shit in my head stops.

The guy who looks like he looks like he might always look like he just rolled out of bed jumps in and says, I don’t usually tell people this but I won the national award in ruminating. “That’s only because I didn’t enter the contest.”(me) “There is always next year.”, “Well, look out, I’m a perfectionist so I’ll be prepared.” Then he got pretty funny and everyone jumped in. They all live in different parts of the country but they all live close to the ocean like me and it’s there favorite place. The woman I forgot was in the room because she had her camera off and never said a word, couldn’t contain herself and bursts into her story about living near the beach. What the fuck is going on here?

The guy who just rolled out of bed said his favorite part of the beach was the waves crashing on the rocks, he went on for a long time, I forget some but gist was, mountains are great, but they just sit there, Wave are always changing, each one is different, they’re like people talking to you. I tell him, shit’s gettin’ weird now, cause I grew up on those rocks and when I was a kid my favorite thing to do was walk to the end of the breakwater until the highest, highest tide and dare the waves to knock me off until I had to run back jumping from rock to rock to save my life!

I don’t even remember the rest of it. They were all talking over each other remembering all these wonderful things and I’m just sitting there listening. I started out afraid to say anything because I didn’t want to sound crazy and now they are all crazy! Not crazy but all excited! I kept them there until 20 minutes past the hour. She forgot what time it was and that’s her profession. She teaches mindfulness and the only reason she was on Zoom was Covid. I guess I found my tribe.]

Phew! So is this other whatsapp chick trying to drum up business? I met her on some Buddhist meditation I’m not really into. The description didn’t say anything about substance abuse. Nobody in the group talked about substances. Why is she telling me she is a LADC? Am I supposed to say something to her? Like? “Yeah, 12 hours after I met you did an online SMART meeting for the first time.”?

I wanted to go for a walk but now I’m afraid to go outside! I don’t know what is going to happen. I’m pretty sure something is going to happen. I’ll tell you later.

Synchronized Living

“Let’s be heroes, let’s be martyrs, let’s be radical thinkers
Who never have to test drive the least of their dreams”

“Love Ire and Song” Frank Turner

Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit… I don’t believe any of it. I’m not into anything mystical. I wanted to be way back when I was in single digit years. I remember it was 2nd grade, I never slept. I had an AM radio but all I listened to was static between stations. I thought it was aliens communicating with me. I don’t believe that anymore.

I do believe in synchronicity; not minor coincidences that happen all the time; major shit that is just undeniable for me when I am on the right path (in the flow). I only believe it because it is the strangest thing I have ever experienced. I don’t go around looking for it. I’ve only been overwhelmed by it a few times in my life. This whole summer has been one of those times. After I set the intention to make positive changes in my life. The coincidence was a negative choice but it led to a positive. I want to write all of it at once but the biggest one culminated last night.

I didn’t realize at the time I started planning my relapse a few months ago. I was conscious of it, I was taking deliberate actions, I wrote about it in several posts. Sometimes I was saved by dumb luck and others I caught myself by thinking it through and knowing there was no way this could end well. I knew what I was doing/ I didn’t know what I was doing. It was cognitive dissonance.

Back the point. It started while I was still trying to find people, places and things that didn’t revolve around drinking. I did a search and couldn’t find anything but I did see Frank Turner was playing at the Casino in Hampton and bought tickets on impulse. But what is he doing there? He’s from England and I don’t know anyone who has heard of him. I only like 3 of his songs but I really like them. They would be on my deserted island list. Only because when I first heard them I thought, if I had any talent I would have written these songs. I was wondered if I wanted to go because I they serve booze. But, no, I thought I was still sticking to the plan. I wasn’t having any thoughts about drinking. I told myself I can go to a concert and not drink. (Yeah, right) Still, he got straight, he even has a song called “Recovery”. But I don’t like that song. The songs I like are from when he was still using. I mostly forgot about it. But now I realize I lit a slow burning fuse that led to a huge explosion months later.

Another small coincidence was it wasn’t until after I finished the post about the chick I started texting while she was at an atheist retreat. (still don’t get that) She was the one who turned me on to Frank Turner. That’s no big deal, I was probably subconsciously reminded of her. That’s not the fucked up part.

Last night was the fucked up part. I never thought about attending an online meeting. It wasn’t until I was wondering why I couldn’t commit to the idea of a lifetime of abstinence. I came across the paper I had read a hundred times this summer and it was one of the major coincidences. I had always glossed over it because, I’m not a perfectionist. Come to my apartment and you will see. I don’t need to have everything, “Just right”. But it was the fear of failure part that never clicked. The parts of my life that are important to me are the ones I need to go according to plan. If they don’t, I failed. I put a lot of effort into it and I failed. I didn’t live up to the standards I set and then I start kicking the living shit out of myself.

I got sidetracked. A lot of the coincidences were the quick internet searches I would do when I noticed patterns I wanted to change. I would look up how do I change (whatever) and find out I am already doing the right things. (Still off track) The biggest one was “dealing with perfectionism.” I wasn’t thinking about addiction but the article I found talked about it. It said a high percentage of addicts are perfectionists. That made sense to me; no big revelation. Then it said it is the most dangerous combination because they are the most likely to believe they can solve their problem themselves. That is exactly my problem. I still wasn’t going to try the meeting! I’m thinking, I got this wrapped like a mummy. You know the story.

Oh yeah, the fucked up part. I’ve been thinking about the Frank Turner concert and how it probably was an excuse to get drunk. I figured I would have to tear up the tickets if they ever get here in the mail. It would be a waste of $80 but it could turn into a waste of a lot more if I go. (Again) Yesterday, I was depressing and casting a negative light on everything. I knew I have a lot of positives in my life. I’ve been writing them down and keeping them specific and believable. Sometimes I read through it to remind myself. Yesterday I tried and I had a counter-argument for all of it. I disqualified everything. I knew I was doing it so I tried all day to contest it. I started feeling better as the day went on. I was practicing all my healthy coping skills and trying new ones.

(Still in suspense?) Last night I was writing my blog and looked at the clock and thought, cool, I’ll be finished around 10pm, I’ll head over to the store and pick up some beer. Wait a minute! Back the truck up. How did that become the plan? That’s not what I’ve been doing. It’s not a new habit. It still sounded perfectly reasonable. I can’t do that. I was right, I finished at 9:40, time to walk to the store. Seriously? I did everything right today and now I’m going to reward myself by fucking shit up. Cancel that plan. If there is one of those meetings tonight, I’ll log on. I checked the schedule and the next one started at ten. Cool, I’ll just log in and wait. The first 2 times I logged in early, there was a graphic saying they would start soon. Last night, I clicked “join” 20 minutes early and a video was playing and it was blasting. (Do you know where I’m going with this?) It was Frank Turner, “Recovery”! No fucking way! It makes sense because the songs and other clips they were playing were based on that theme. But this song? By this guy who is not very popular? Still makes sense, but that’s where it turned for me months ago. Buy tickets was a deliberate action and I knew I was going to get fucked up if I went and the show isn’t until October 10th! Am I supposed to go and stay sober? Probably not a good idea.

More fucked up shit. They started the meeting asking you to click on the poll if it was your 1st, 2nd, or 3rd meeting. I was one of 11 people out of 200 and something. He asked if anyone wanted to briefly say why they are here. I certainly didn’t! So why did I start the meeting with my camera on even though I’m paranoid about being facially recognized and why did I just unmute myself and rattle off a quick spiel? That is not me. At the beginning the let the people suggest topics and one was what to do after a relapse. That applied to me, I did it again and talked about my problem being afraid to commit because if I drink, I beat myself up for being failure but if I do what most people say, “everyone makes mistakes, get back on track and learn from it” aren’t I giving myself permission to fuck up? He said it sounded like I had a problem with unconditional self acceptance. I started thinking, I don’t know anything about this program other than the basics. Maybe I should have read some of their website. I did “what to do before your first meeting.” The answer? Read about what they call “Tools”. Okay, the first one was, “Unconditional self acceptance”, Still making sense. But the whole fucking thing is what I have been tossing around for the past month. Dealing with feelings of hopelessness and making myself feel worthless. Basic shit, no revelations but I know exactly where they are going with this… “Perfectionism”. Maybe I stumbled onto something here. Some of the major coincidences this summer were I’ve been getting really fucking lucky. Something else I don’t believe in. But I’ve been dodging bullets I’ve intentionally been trying to shoot at myself.

Are you ready for more? I am. I have been relieved because my mania has settled down during the past week and I haven’t crashed into any deep depression. I slept for a few hours last night and when I woke up I was “Top Fuel” again. I turned on the tap to start the coffee and the power went out. Good! I don’t need any coffee. It’s another perfect day, I should get the fuck out of here. I can ride my bike again. Where? Nowhere…

Sit down. No power, no computer, no television. Cool, I charged my tablet last night. No wifi! I can still text and I did. I even texted, N____, not out of the ordinary but I figured she was still sleeping. She wasn’t, she had an appt. I asked her what she was doing later. Then I realized why I wanted to get out of the house so fast. I wanted to race over there and tell her all this fucked up shit going on all summer. I luckily I thought twice. I can’t do that. I’ll be trying to get it all out in 5 minutes, talking so fast I’m foaming at the mouth. All summer long she is the only one who knows I’m manic. I’ve only seen her in person a few times, I’m no over texting her. She keeps telling me I’m manic.

I’m getting to it. In the beginning of July, I blasted out 3 pages in the early hours and waited for her to wake up. I texted and asked who she sees. Why? She wants to know… Since the akathisia shit started I’ve been taking notes and I went through them and typed them all up and I need a professional who doesn’t know me to give me an opinion. She told me that is something I would have to do on my own. Then she said, This is what you do when you are manic. You take notes, you write everything down. When I would do your laundry I would find scraps of paper with scribbles all over them in your pockets. Read what you typed, I bet it doesn’t make any sense. She was right.

That’s not the fucked up part. The scraps of paper. Those were the poems I’ve been posting lately. I don’t write poetry anymore. It’s all from 20 years ago. I would be somewhere, I put it all together in my head. I have to find a pen and something to write on. I don’t read poetry, why am I writing it? I typed them up, put them in a folder. I read them once in a while, only a few people have seen them. They made sense to me. Now, 20 years later, some of them are cheesy but others hit me hard.

What else? That empath woman. Why was I going to spend cash on an Uber to travel all that way to meet her. She wrote 3 paragraphs of shit I don’t believe in. When I wrote a comment saying sorry it will be too expensive to get there, I didn’t hear back and forgot about it. A couple weeks ago she sent me an email saying she also does a group online. That was when I was still against Zoom. I said I don’t know maybe next month, I’ll be able to make it in person. Why did I say that? If I went last time it would have been just the two of us. What would we talk about? I guess synchronicity. She didn’t mention it but it seems right up her alley. Am I supposed to meet her? I don’t believe in fate.

After she wrote the email I checked her page and noticed only a few people had left comments. One of them was M____, my empath friend. Of course she was there 2 years ago! She used to piss me off so much talking about that shit. And the numbers. She would sit there and watch the clock until it hit 2:22 and say that’s strange, I’ve been seeing that a lot lately. She pumped $22.22 worth of gas into her car and made a big deal out of that. I’m just like , will you please shut up. I know how many times a day numbers repeat on a clock. It’s not that unusual. I kept it to myself because I liked her and didn’t want to hurt her feelings.

Last month, I thought it was funny, I jumped up and just had to leave the house, I glance at the clock and it was 2:22. I laughed to myself thinking how she would like that and it was the first time I had thought about her for a while. But when I walked back in the door the first thing I saw was the clock on the stove telling me it was 3:33. I still don’t believe in it but something is going on in my brain.

There is a lot more but I can’t remember most of it. I wanted to go on about the last time I had it this strong when I was in my twenties but this is getting pretty long and I think it would add another 2,000 words and I imagine I’ve lost everyone by now.

Swipe Left Face, Swipe Right Personality

Robot Brain

I know I’ve been talking about spending too much time in the virtual world and trying to find ways introduce myself to reality. But I really hate winter. I know it is not close to winter but I can feel it approaching quickly. Last year I was lucky and we had great weather through the end of October. I was still out riding my bike in shorts and t-shirt. I even pushed it an extra week by wearing a hoodie. It was not out of necessity. I had money in my Uber account and only had to pay the tip out of pocket.

Yesterday (Friday) it was cold and rainy which ended my streak of leaving the house for walks almost everyday for the past two weeks. The difference yesterday was I stayed home voluntarily. I still wanted some kind of interaction with another human but didn’t know what to do besides text and I do most of that in the morning. I don’t want to bother people all day and I have never been much of a texter anyway.

My reptile brain was making plans on how to get me drunk. Not really what I wanted to do. Luckily, I had another synchronicity Thursday. It was another in a series. Since I started a couple months ago trying to figure out how to stop the automatic negative thoughts I would think of a new thing I need to work on. Most times I googled, “How do I deal with [whatever], I would find I am already doing most of the right things already. Many of the techniques were had commonality and were logical so they were no surprise. Since I discovered I had no idea I had the criteria of perfectionists and that tied into why I drink, I’ve been hitting on some pretty lucky discoveries in the right place at the right time. [I got distracted] Last week found a webpage that helped me and it mentioned a book. I didn’t think I would be interested but on impulse I checked my app and put a hold on it.

Thursday morning I read another interesting article about perfectionism and fear of failure and learned it is very common among alcoholics. The book I put on hold was supposed to take 2 weeks but when I opened my tablet to text I had a notification the book was ready. I started listening to it and it wasn’t my thing but I still listened to the first chapter and it was about fears in general and ways to combat them. I’ve been working on that for a while and my anxiety has dropped to almost negligible levels. In the book she gave specific instructions to pay attention to the fears you have that day and decide if they are real. I did that and no, they are not. Yes, I have fears but they are created by my mind. It helped Friday to remind myself when drinking popped into my head to remember it is based on fear. It helped. It only took a couple seconds.

I had to find something to do other than sit inside doing nothing. I relented and went online. Again the groups I found were based around drinking and my brain would think, that sounds like a good idea. (Habitual thinking) There are a lot of groups held online but I’ve had a fear of Zoom and they handle privacy worse than Facebook. I’ve never used it. But I thought what would someone find out from my iPad? I text my family a lot? I finally downloaded it. The most popular Zoom group is a speed dating site based in Boston. That did not sound like a good idea to me. I’m not ugly but I’m not going to win many votes in a beauty contest. Then I saw they give you one on one with a person for two minutes at a time. I could just imagine, my face on a video screen trying to answer conventional dating questions as quickly as possible. How many times do I want to get rejected in an hour? I’m not even looking for a relationship, especially online with someone who lives an hour away. Then I saw it was for professionals. And it cost $25. Not going to happen.

I thought there has to be something. I saw something about, social skills and communication. Like an hour long lesson but I thought that sounds like it could be good for me. I’m good with conversation but with some people or certain situations I feel awkward and fall silent. Then I saw it was based on the teachings of Scientology. Okay, maybe I won’t do that. Still nothing else coming up on 7pm and boredom is another factor for me. I figured how much different could it be than any other lesson? Aren’t they basic skills you need to practice to get good at them? Would I dismiss it if it just because it was put on by a Catholic? I joined through Zoom and the first thing the guy started was talking about how much of a genius L. Ron Hubbard is and everything he says is true, etc… (Ugh) Then I noticed, this guy is not very good at communicating. The group started with 35 people and they were dropping out left and right.

I decided to see what happened. I don’t know what kind of genius this was supposed to be. He kept putting up a picture of a triangle and the three points were labeled, Affinity, Reality and Communication. He was explaining it like people had never heard the words before and repeating and he only got to the first two points and it was halfway through the hour. Basically, if you like someone and you share a common reality, such as you both agree the sky is blue, you will have an easier time communicating. Well, thank you very much! I put on the Red Sox, they lost and I went to bed. But my brain had stopped telling me it would be a great idea to take an Uber to a bar in Nashua. I guess it wasn’t a waste of time.

This morning I was up early and I had already seen there were online meditation groups. I didn’t think I would like it but I clicked “attend” on two of them. One was in Portland, ME with 7 people. I hit the link and it was on Google meet. Another app I don’t have. I might as well go all in. I downloaded that. It’s not costing me anything. I had no idea what Sahaja Yoga was and I was the first one there and the guy started asking me a few questions. I think I was the first new person to the group for a long time. It had to do with Chakras and I’m not really into it but what else am I going to do at 8am? He wasn’t doing a great job of explaining it and then showed a video of a woman with a dot on her head giving a speech. They were losing me and then totally lost me when the meditation was silent. I already do that when I’m alone. At least I lasted 45 minutes.

I started typing this post until the next one started at 9am. It was Sahaja Yoga too! They had the same chart on the wall with the Chakras but they only spent a minute on it and got into a normal guided meditation. This time my camera wasn’t on so I kept typing but it was nice to have the voice in the background. Then they started playing the same video as the last group! They lost me and I kept typing this until I heard my name… What? The woman was asking if it was my first time there and did I like it. I kept tapping to unmute the microphone but it wouldn’t and they almost gave up but I finally answered, Oh, yeah, yeah, it was great, thank you. (At least I made it all the way through the hour)

Oh well, it got me through the morning and my daughter will be picking me up soon. Maybe I will be spending more time online. I forgot all about winter. There are other groups they show me are pretty out there. One was about psychics talking to the dead and wanted $150? No thanks! Zoom is all across the world. I’m sure I can find something I am interested in.

The woman I told I couldn’t make it earlier this month in person sent me an email which surprised me. I didn’t think I would hear from her she said they also do an online empath support group. I had no idea so many empaths were struggling. I don’t believe in much mysticism and she believes in everything. Maybe I will watch. I never studied synchronicity but I know a little about it and I do have a lot of strong coincidences when I feel like I am on the right path. Maybe we will have that in common. I want to believe! Ha Ha.


What the hell is going on around here? That is a rhetorical question. I can explain. I’ve had a Twitter account since 2009. I mostly follow small accounts of people I think are funny but also some well known comedians or comedy writers. In the past few years with so much political upheaval, the funny people first went to political jokes and then stopped trying to be funny and went straight up political. A lot of the smaller accounts stopped posting altogether. My timeline was getting depressing. I started another account in February. I was having a lot of mental health issues and my mindset was negative thoughts. I decided I would only post positive messages and follow people with positive messages and repost positivity. I’m not exactly inspirational but you get the idea. I follow about 300 people and have maybe 100 following me.

Soon after I started the account I got a DM from someone. The only person to do it. I never send messages to people. My account gives no indication of my gender and their account gave no indication of their gender. Their posts were similar to mine. I figured it was a guy because they were asking me kind of personal questions. Maybe they thought I was a woman because of what I wrote. I couldn’t guess who was behind the account. It is a small locked account. They liked a lot of my posts but also a lot of other people’s posts. We had a short back and forth and I found a good point to not reply. Then my akathesia started and I really couldn’t do much on the internet because I could not concentrate or sit down for more than a few minutes. So Twitter fit well with that. My posts are short and concise and I could scroll a little and repost. But I was not very active.

I August when I started feeling better and spending more time online I was awake one night in the twilight zone. I remembered the message and reread the conversation. On impulse I wrote, “What the hell were you expecting of me?” I got a reply soon after. It was a long message, I don’t remember what it said but they seemed upset by my question. I responded, “I love you”. They came back, “That was way back in February , why are you answering now and why did you think I expected something from you?” I told them why I started the account and they told me they started their account for the same reason. Then asked, “Second, why did you tell me you love me.” I said, “To spread some positivity.” They said it made them happy and I was doing a good job. We messaged back and forth sporadically and I figured out it was a woman when she told me she had her heart broken by a man recently. It didn’t matter to me but it was another person to talk to and she is interesting.

Last week she started sending me long ass messages one after the other. I knew she was into spirituality and mysticism, but started to get pretty far out there. I began to wonder but I thought a lot of people believe in some crazy shit but that doesnt mean they are crazy. She started hinting around she was in the process of a business deal that would make her millions but no specifics. At the same time she said she was moving to a smaller apartment and needed a roomate. I wondered where the million dollar idea went but I kept my mouth shut.

Monday she went off about her car got impounded for parking tickets and she couldn’t afford to get it back and other money problems but some people helped her. Okay, She’s not a millionaire, she doesn’t own a mansion and a yacht. Still interesting conversation. Then out of the blue she asked if I wanted to see some lingerie pics she had taken recently or if she was daring maybe some of the nudes? What? Sure, send whatever you are comfortable. She sent me picture after picture, each more revealing and it turned into some straight up rated X. This girl was smoking! I figured I was getting catfished but she wasn’t trying to get anything out of me so I went along and complimented her a bit. She said, “You are one lucky man, I get $100 for each of those, I’m about to make $600 in a few, pays my rent.” I said you just gave me a thousand worth, I guess I am pretty lucky. I didn’t know what to think. I’ve seen plenty of pics of nude women so they don’t do a lot for me. We both went to bed.

Last night, Tuesday, I got home around 10pm and checked to see if there were any more messages. We talked as if she never sent the pics. I’m not sure how we got on the subject I think she mentioned things about anxiety and negative thought patterns and trying to keep track of her moods. As I was reading it at a random time the three dots showed up indicating she was typing at the same time I was typing, I got it out first saying careful about keeping track of every little detail, for months I was taking noted on my pocket calendar and driving myself crazy flipping through trying to figure out what happened when, what was important or not, what the hell all my shorthand stood for, half of it made no sense. She sent her message at the same time, it was long as fuck, talking about she is using Excel spreadsheets to keep track of synchronicities and noticing a pattern and her life is affected by something bigger than this Universe and all kinds of crazy shit.

I thought it again for the hundredth time in my life! What the fuck? She is schizo too! How the hell do they find me. I gave no indication of any mental illness in my postings. My bio says, “I am you from another dimension” and my pinned tweet is, “Get in your spaceship and explore your universe”. The most I said and reposted were jokes about anxiety I thought were funny. One of my posts was, “Kats>Klonopin”, so what? Everyone has anxiety. I’m telling you I attract Schizophrenics. I don’t advertise, they seek me out.

We talked about some of that and she got on the subject of having her heart broken and 3 years of shit and he chose another woman. Whatever, I tried to say something helpful, then she said, “I never even held him in my arms, he was never mine to have. It’s all in my head.” I’m thinking she made this guy up? I asked her a few questions, okay, he was real, she was in love but he chose another woman. We talked for hours and it was getting a little depressing, me thinking about my own failed relationships. I said, “Hey”, “What?”, “Do you have any chocolate at your place?”, “No, I wish”, I guess I won’t tell you about the chocolate I just found in my freezer.” Good, I change the subject and she stopped talking the guy and we went on about the food we were eating, Nothing serious, getting really late like 4am, she asked if she was an ancient goddess which one would she be? I said, Aphrodite. She got excited and said that is me! Those are the tattoos I have covering my body. Her symbols. She gave me 2.5 points for that, we had a joke she had me on a scoring system for each time I made her laugh or got an answer correct.

She said something about dying, I told her she would live forever in my mind. “Wow, where did that come from?”. “4am bullshit.” (true), “I guess we can chalk it up to that”, “No, actually you are indelible”. I said a lot of shit last night. I can be impressive but this girl is way out of my league. I am like Cyrano hiding in the bushes feeding the appealing guy lines.

5am. She told me I had an hour to get 1.5 points. Ha ha. No pressure. Then she started sexting me. I was not expecting that. I went along. Sexting is exciting the first time but after that it gets boring if it’s not going to lead to the real thing quickly. I have no illusions about her hopping on a bus to New Hampshire from NYC and falling in love with my old, ugly ass. I wasn’t really taking it seriously because I have no idea who she is on the internet. But then I found out she was real. She sent a close up picture of her, umm… “using” something she had been holding in one of the original set of pictures she sent the night before. Okay, I’m interested. 6am, she told me I scored 10 points in the hour. We have achieved the Rapture. We both went to bed. I haven’t checked if she messaged me again. I can’t figure out how I find these people but I like it. Synchronicity?